Chapter 2: The Hour of the Wolf
Author's Note: In this fic Leah's divorced, but has no child.
The captain and the doctor were both in a very bad mood for the rest of the day. And the next day. Jim Kirk had unsuccessfully tried to get some answers from the brass, but got stonewalled.
The only man he knew would help him was currently unavailable - Christopher Pike. The newly promoted admiral was laying in a thelcian healing trance. A try to help speeding up his healing process.
Leah avoided Jim and tried to make some own inquiries. But the only answer she got was: Accept it, there is no way out of this.
Now she was laying wide awake the second night in a row. She'd tried to tell herself that life would go on and that she could stay in touch with Jim and her other new friends over com. But at the same time she knew that this probably would hurt more than not talking to them at all.
And Jim... she already missed him. And yet she couldn't bring herself talking to him like she always did or spend as much time with him as possible.
She wondered if...
No. Guinan was wrong. And Henderson was wrong. Jim was her best friend. Full stop.
Perhaps this was also so unsettling, because her life was about to be taken away from her a second time. The divorce had brought her to Starfleet, Jim and the Enterprise. Now she was about to lose him and the ship.
Leah turned around once more in her bed and spent another hour of tossing and turning, but not finding any sleep.
Finally she got up, changed into an Ole Miss sweatshirt and some old sweatpants and started walking around on the ship.
Somehow she ended up in front of Ten forward. She stood there for a while before deciding to go in.
The light was low, but even at 312 hours in the morning some people were scattered on the tables. Leah also noticed Guinan at the counter, but she ignored everyone. The doctor chose a table far away from the other guests.
She didn't know how much time had passed when she sensed someone standing next to herself. Guinan.
The El-Aurian smiled warmly and put a cup in front of Leah. "Chamomile tea. Something soothing."
Leah sighed. She placed her hands around the warm cup and just stared into the slight steam coming out of it. "I hate the hour of the wolf", she finally whispered.
Guinan sat down and gave her a questioning look.
"It's the time between three and four in the morning. You can't sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should've gone but didn't. All you can hear is the sound of your own heart." She pulled the cup a little closer. "I've been living in the hour of the wolf since the admiral's visit. The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis."
Guinan didn't answer. She just sat with Leah.
"I can't even get someone to tell me what's going on", Leah continued, still staring into the tea.
"What does the captain say?"
"We haven't talked much. He's as upset as I am. He told me he won't let them stonewall him. But that's exactly what they're doing to us very successfully."
"That doesn't sound normal."
"It isn't. It's as if..." she trailed off.
"Yes?"
Leah exhaled sharply and shook her head. "No, that's ridiculous..."
Guinan just looked at her expectantly and encouragingly.
Leah sighed, lowering her gaze and staring into the tea again. "If I was paranoid, I would think someone is behind this and has everyone else in his pocket."
Guinan shrugged. "Well, it does seem plausible", she replied calmly as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
Leah looked up in surprise.
The El-Aurian chuckled. "You wouldn't believe the things I've seen in my life."
Leah turned the cup in her hands a little. "I don't feel like myself anymore. There's nothing I want more than to yell at them and punch the person responsible for this in the face. But... they would kick me out of Starfleet and I would never..."
Guinan nodded. "... see Jim Kirk again."
Leah rolled her eyes. "Is this going to be a thing with you trying to finish my sentences?"
"I'm right, am I not?"
"I..." Leah sighed exasperatedly. "Yes. Well, partially. I would see him every few years I guess."
Guinan chuckled again. "Even as a civilian you could be on the ship. Look around." She made a gesture. "Me and my staff are civilian."
"I'm a doctor, not a waitress. I'll never be anything else than a doctor." That was true. But giving up Starfleet would be losing the last part of her new life.
"Says your mind", Guinan remarked. "But what does your heart tell you? What would you be willing to do to stay with Jim Kirk?"
Leah closed her eyes for a moment. "My heart and I don't speak anymore."
"Yes, I have noticed that."
The doctor tilted her head and glanced at Guinan again in confusion. "Please don't tell me you're a psychologist or something like that."
"No. Just someone who likes to listen and give some advice", the other woman replied with a smile. "So, what are you going to do now?"
"Following orders", Leah said with a bitter tone in her voice. "This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry, or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
"Is this the hour of the wolf talking?"
"Maybe it's my mother talking. I really don't feel like myself. Normally I would get angry and tell them what I really think... But what point would there be in getting angry now? Unfortunately, Henderson is right. I broke the rules for Jim. I knew there would be consequences and now I have to life with that."
Guinan shook her head. "I have a feeling that what's happening is wrong. You being forced to leave the Enterprise isn't supposed to be happening."
Leah's lips parted once again in surprise. The El-Aurian had a strange undertone in her voice. Selek - well, the older Spock - came to her mind. She wondered what Guinan knew about the timelines.
"Drink your tea. And remember: Problem is just a bleak word for challenge."
Leah watched her stand up and walk away. She let her gaze drift to the teacup again. The steam had something calming, but was slowly disappearing, because the tea was getting cold.
Finally Leah raised the cup and took a zip.
When she put it down again, she saw the door open and Jim Kirk walking in. He was wearing an old Starfleet Academy shirt and sweats.
Author's Notes:
Here are the quotes I used:
"It's the time between three and four in the morning. You can't sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should've gone but didn't. All you can hear is the sound of your own heart. I've been living in the hour of the wolf for seven days, Lyta. Seven days. The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis." (Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5)
"My heart and I don't speak anymore."
"Yes, I have noticed that."
(Susan Ivanova and Lorien, Babylon 5)
"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry, or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." (JJ, Criminal Minds)
"Problem is just a bleak word for challenge."
(Richard Fish, Ally McBeal)
