Connie
When my phone beeps with a message from Sam, I'm in two minds whether to read it – or delete it. My first thought is, of course, is that it could be about Grace, but no. If it was about our daughter, surely a phone call would be a more preferable option – certainty quicker, more urgent. The only reason I would pick up a call from Sam is in case it was about Gracie.
What on earth would he text me for?
It can't be for a good reason - this is the man who showed raw cruelty towards me. A man who claimed to love – and a man I do indeed love back. Did.
Whether I still harbour feelings of tenderness towards Sam Strachan, I can not say because I am not even sure myself. He knocked me down when Grace chose to live with him over me – yes, he did try to show kindness after, but I saw the initial smirk and it spoke volumes – it was like a red-hot poker in my heart. Then he kicked me while I was down by taking Grace thousands of miles away behind my back. Should I really give him the chance to stamp on me too? Would it not be better to save myself from the inevitable pain?
Because it can only be pain now. There is nothing else where he is concerned. If he can do what he did to me, then he can never really have cared about me. We've always had a volatile relationship, Sam and I, but we've always enjoying playing for power over each other. The moment Sam chose cruelty to gain the upper hand, the balance tipped for good. It was a game-changer and it is irrevocable. There is no going back. Whether I want to love him or not – and part of me does, for the Cancer was also a game-changer - part of me dreads being alone and yearns for a simple family life such as he offered. Whether I want that or not, the other part of me, yells that he can't be trusted and his words are nothing but lies. Lies with no meaning.
Sam has no idea what has been going on in his absence. That's the way I kept it – the way I wanted it before I realised that I might actually die. When the terrible realisation hit, it was far too late to do anything about it and I nearly died without seeing my daughter again. In my ignorance, it was my choice not to tell them, but if he hadn't disappeared with her, then they would have known and they would have been here when things got bad. There is also the fact that Sam is a heart specialist – and a bloody good one at that.
I made him that way.
Anyway, had he been here, I'm certain he would have noticed I was ill before anyone else. I know don't how much difference it would have made, but as much as I hate to admit it, Sam does seem to have a way of making me listen. Perhaps, he would have persuaded me to get the treatment when Ethan couldn't. Would getting it sooner have made a difference? I don't know, maybe it would have – maybe it wouldn't. I guess we'll never know.
The only thing I know for certain about Sam is that I don't know if I can forgive him. Does he deserve forgiveness? Or would he do it again, given the chance? That's the thing. The part of me that wants what we had back, just wants to forget he did that, but I can't. Can I ever forget it? And why the hell did he do it anyway?
As much as I long to delete the message without even a glance and avoid the anguish it promises, my curiosity gets the better of me.
Dear Connie, I know I am probably the last person you want to hear from...
Well he got that right.
And I can't blame you. There is no excuse for the way I took Grace and left. Out of shame, I have not been able to bring myself to contact you until now. I wish that I had a reasonable explanation for what I did...
So do I, but I don't think there is one. It wasn't a reasonable thing to do! I suppose, at least he's not trying to make excuses for what he did.
...but I don't. All I can say is that I regret it completely and I am sorry.
Sorry isn't good enough. Not anywhere near.
Grace believes that you will feel uncomfortable if I'm around and I can't help wondering if she's right. I know I haven't exactly made any effort to make you feel like you would be welcome...
I really couldn't care less whether you're there or not. Does Grace know what he did? I hope not. I won't put her through that – I won't.
I know that you will probably say that you are totally indifferent to me and I only have myself to blame for that...
Right again, Sam.
Grace and I were both so disappointed when you were unable to join us last Christmas and we hoped to visit at Easter or in the Summer, but I was unable to get long enough off work and I didn't want Grace to travel on her own. I have rented a chalet in Aspen again this Christmas. Grace and I would very much like you to come. I really hope that you will. We both miss you terribly...
Who's fault is that, Sam?
And I am truly sorry for what I did. I'll make it up to you anyway I can. Love Sam xx
He's sorry and he'll make it up to me?
Pigs might fly.
