27th January, 2010

Emmett

Seriously, angel, you have to stop stalking me. I know you know me better than my parents, but there is something about knowing my routine in the evenings when you aren't even here that is sort of scary. I got your letter this morning, and I'm writing this in my office during lunch break. Jake and Ness came round last night and we talked. They're officially engaged, and have promised that they're waiting until you get home to tie the knot and sign the deal, as it were. Tell Edward and Jasper that they're both mad as hens, and, of course, that I love them both very much. You know I'll never abandon you for one of them, although maybe for them both.

And don't ask me not to worry, please don't do that. Then I just worry and feel guilty for worrying. Baby, an honest job isn't really that hard to come by, you know. I did look at leaflets for the police force. I thought you might like that. Charlie says he'd welcome you with open arms. It's not like we have much of a crime problem, I know, but maybe you could do that. Or you could take up mechanics. Jake needs more hands at his garage in Port Angeles. You fix the car whenever you're around to fix it. By the way, we're going to have to start thinking about replacing it. The damn clutch went again. I know you love the truck, really I do, but it is definitely on it's way out. The engine keeps making a funny noise, and Jake says there's an issue with the exhaust and with the pistons, whatever they hell they are. And finding parts for a 1950-something Chevy is not fun and it is bloody expensive. It'll probably work out better if we just replace the damn thing. Jake reckons he can keep on the road until you're home and can choose a decent car, but if he can't, he's going to help me look.

And I'm not pretending you're off on vacation, I'll just get annoyed that you didn't take me with you. I thought Bastion was the British base? What are you all doing there?

Mike is as annoying and crude as ever. He does seem to be trying for a bit of sensitivity, probably because his mother has reminded him that you're in Iraq. Of course it's sandy, you fool, you're in the damn desert.

Carlisle, really? And it's not funny, I can't help being clumsy. Well, remember me to him and I'd love to baby-sit! From what I remember of the girls they were darling little things, although Alice was just a newborn and Rose only three. She'll be moving in soon, so I'll make something nice and take it round for dinner on their first day. Moving house is such a pain, the foods always the last thing you find in all the boxes. Not that I'm eating much these past few days, I'm still feeling sick. If I'm still like this at the weekend, I'll go and see the doctor.

I miss you, darling. Like it's a hole in my chest and I can't help but be thankful that this is your last tour. I know you love the army, I know that, but I'm still grateful that when you step off the plane in six months, that'll be it. No more. I can't apologise for that. Part of me wants to get you home then chain you in the bedroom, and no, you filthy minded toad, not like that. If you don't want the platoon lusting after me, then don't show them pictures of me.

It's sunny, here, for once. I wonder if you've seen this sun already. It'll be dark there now or very nearly. I like it when it's sunny. It makes you seem closer, somehow. The kids are nicer when it's sunny. They get to work off energy in the playground, rather than milling in the canteen and creating minor acts of havoc. Of course, it also means they won't have done their homework. Most of them tend to do it during lunch. One advantage of being in a small town where it nearly always rains, is that they do not have the excuse of having no time to do their work.

It's strange only cooking for one. I'm not sure about measurements, so I'm making what I always do. The freezer is full, so you'd best be hungry when you get home. It's helpful when Jake and Ness come round because neither of them can cook at all, so the only time they eat properly is when they're here with me. I have more or less adopted them on Sundays, and we always have a proper dinner - you'd call them my charity cases if you were here now. I can hear your voice. I still wake up in the mornings and look at your pillow. I half expect you to still be there, snoring away if you're lying on your back. I'm lying on my side of the bed - and I miss my hot water bottle. Whenever I trip I can hear that great big booming laugh of yours and hear you tease me, asking for a postcard when I go on my next trip. I miss that laugh of yours, so much.

I actually asked you to buy me some Pepto this morning - I should have automatically known you weren't there, it's so quiet. I never thought I'd hate the silence so much. I know I always say you're too loud, but I miss it. Miss you.

Jake and Ness are fast becoming unbearable with this wedding business. Ness wants me to be maid of honour. And (drum roll) Jake wants you as his best man. Get speech-writing. I've no doubt you'll get some absolutely appalling jokes from your little gang out there and I've no doubt you'll get up at a wedding, and read them out in front of Charlie and Renee, not to forget Billy. I'd tell you to try and make at least one of them partially acceptable in polite society, but that would be like asking a bat to tell me what colour my scarf is. Ness is insisting that I wear a damn dress, which I will probably ruin walking down the aisle. Seeing as the best man has to escort the maid of honour, I hope you'll be holding me upright at least a little. I know I managed with a dress at our wedding, but I was so busy gawping at you, I wasn't thinking about my feet.

They want to go to Ireland for their honeymoon, would you believe? Ireland. I had our honeymoon snaps out the other day. Austria. Can you believe it's been two years? Two years, and we're only twenty-three. Mind you, I discovered yesterday that I have become bitter and cynical where the students are concerned, and actually said "when I was your age" the other day. I am now panicking that I am getting aged and boring. But anyway, Jake and Ness's wedding! My baby sister is going up the aisle. Renee can't believe we both let her down so badly. Charlie doesn't say much, but I think he's secretly relived it's Jake she's running off with. At least it's nobody unpleasant or anything like that, and I know Jake will treat her right.

I went shopping yesterday - Ness made me go. Brought me a new shirt, and a skirt which may never get worn. You need to hurry up and come home. I can't hold out against her on my own. I'm thinking of actually getting round to repainting the living room during spring break. What colour should we paint it? I'm tried of the white look, it's too pale and cold. I was thinking sort of orange and yellow, sun colours, you know, to make it at least look warm. Plus it would match the red sofa. And the damn bedroom needs the ceiling repapering. A whole strip fell on top of me last night. I screamed my head off. I thought I was being attacked by a spirit or something. The entire bedroom is now covered in flakes of paint and plaster and my hair is still full of it, no matter how many times I wash it. The kids think I have an exceptionally bad dandruff problem. I am now sleeping in the spare room and am thinking about having a yard sale to clear the third bedroom.

I know I promised I wouldn't complain. But I miss you, baby. I miss you so much it hurts. I want you to come home. I need you to come home. It's when it gets dark that I miss you most. Some nights I can't sleep. I want you home baby, I want you home so you can tell me there are no monsters under the bed. I miss you.

With all my love and a million kisses,
Bella
xxx

P.S: The faculty at the school say be safe, and that they love you. Dr. Gerandy says I'm a pain in the neck when you aren't around to stop me falling over things and cluttering up his surgery and Lily from the shop says hello and much love. It's a good job I'm not the jealous type. Charlie and Renee say they miss you very much, because I hassle them less when you're home. Charlie wants you to come home so I can harass someone else about eating properly. Tell Edward and Jasper that half the girls in this town have seen the picture of you three in uniform in the paper, and are now passionately in love. I'm sure I was meant to mention something else, but I can't remember right now. God, I miss you.

Jan 27th 10

It's agony at night. Pure agony. I keep rolling over expecting to bump into him. Keep thinking he'll be stealing the covers any minute. Waking me up by snoring, so I get to push him out of bed and wake him up. I'm sleeping in his boxers and t-shirts. Christ, but I miss him. What is it about this tour? I always miss him when he goes away, but this time it's ten times worse. Same tour as all the others. But oh, but it's painful. It feels like someone has driven a speeding bus right through my chest, but somehow I'm still alive. How can you keep breathing? When the one you love is fighting abroad, and you don't know if he'll come back alive and in one piece, how do you carry on each day?