A/N – First of all, I am so thrilled that many people have reviewed to say they are fellow Bad Girls fans! Because the show was so long ago, and I recently rewatched, I am amazed to find you guys! I remember watching it with granny when I was just 10 and when the Nikki/Helen story progressed, my granny was so nice to me. She said, if you ever find a good woman who fights for your love, then baby don't let her go. I keep remembering that unto today. And even though granny has changed her views, I still remember that saying! I have also made other folks want to watch the show! If you haven't seen it yet, then PLEASE AT LEAST WATCH THE FIRST THREE SEASONS! Trust me, it is so worth it! The Nikki and Helen storyline has remained the BEST lesbian storyline I have ever seen. This story is dedicated to Becky, Jenn, Becka and Tash. Love my fellow 'Babes Behind Bars.'
Confession: I have a HUGE CRUSH on Karen Betts up to this day.
Chapter Two
'Breaking Rule 47'
Excerpt:
"I have to tell you something, to be honest," Emma said hoarsely, standing up, back still facing the door, "I fell in love with someone right? And I thought I could move past them by burying myself in books and...helping others. Lending a hand, you know? And then...then I realized today that I can't ever get over her. Because she's...I am so in love with her at this point, I can't even imagine what it would be like to love another woman. And I just...I just want to..." fists clenched, she heard heels click closer. Her eyes burnt, imagining Terry's saddened face. "I just want to tell her how many times I've dreamt of being with her...touching her and...kissing her."
The scent of White Diamond perfume was so strong, she almost died.
xxx
Swallowing hard, she stepped to the door without looking back.
But the second her trembling hand reached out to take the bronze colored knob, and the door was pulled open, Regina appeared beside her.
Emma gasped when the Wing Governor pressed the door close, standing less than a foot away and completely breathless..
She refrained from moving an inch. She stood there speechless and considered the rushing feelings even before carefully assessing the conflicting situation. So close. Desirably touching her intimately with eyes that remained wide. A woman who was beyond the level of ultimate composure. The flash of something more behind brown that immediately melted emerald orbs.
"Where are you...going?" Regina hoarsely asked, holding her hand upon the door.
Dumbfounded. Speechless. Silence.
A telephone rang outside and the brunette swallowed hard. Desperately trying to find control, she could not be moved from being so close to the younger woman. Her brown boots remained planted on the green carpet the color of freshly mown grass. Dangerously moving an inch closer, lips that were parted trembled from a sudden flame of passion that coursed through her veins. And awakened a part of her sexuality that she never knew existed.
"I'm leaving," the blonde said in a small voice, after what felt like one hour.
"I never…dismissed…you," Regina croaked, a tone the younger woman hadn't heard before.
She reached for the knob that felt cold to the touch and turned it weakly. This time, it wasn't her deliberate move that brushed their hands together. Instead it was the brunette who initiated a touch of trembling fingers. Suddenly, the feel of cold stone snapped Emma's attention to a left hand that was covering hers. And she immediately swelled up with enough courage to block out the bold advance.
If it even was an advance at all.
"I have to leave," Emma whispered.
Taking a firm grip on the knob and turning, she pulled open the door. The other woman had no choice but to step away from the scene. Just as soon as blonde hair slipped out, the distance was sealed off between them. Wood was such a tormenting obstacle now, it was hated and desired at the same time. Breathing fast, chest heaving, she pressed her cold palms upon the door and stayed there. It was then when emerald eyes swept over the empty chair behind the secretary's desk. He had gone for the day.
If she wanted, this could be an opportunity to turn around and take what her heart wanted. To brave the moment and break the ice. But her mind kept returning to that godforsaken ring, a diamond that was touched by a lover's hand. Someone who was the first option before today. Someone who was waiting at home for their fiancée and was probably growing impatient by the minute. So Emma did the one thing Lily had taught her to do. It was the hard way but it was best to prevent further damage.
Emma stepped weakly away from the door and she walked away.
Her footsteps were light and wobbly as the end of the hall was reached. Just at the gate stood Di Barker with headphones on, head bobbing to some upbeat tune. Upon seeing the approaching inmate, she pulled the plugs out of her ears. Smiling sheepishly, the iPod was slipped into the right pocket of her uniform with one swift move. And the gate was opened.
"You look as white as a sheet, love!" a hand as warm as the passion that had been burning in brown eyes was pressed to a cold and clammy forehead. "First day has really done a bad one on you, hasn't it?"
"Yeah," Emma replied weakly, walking beside the prison officer.
"First day's always the worst. But you gradually ease in eventually." Di glanced at her. "If you allow it."
Emma said nothing in reply but kept her eyes straight ahead.
"I see you're making friends already with Ruby Lucas and Belle French." The observation was noted but not even acknowledged. "And that's a good sign. They are two really nice young ladies with good behavior sheets. Quite smart too. Loyal friends that keep their noses clean. So you'd do well by sticking to their company."
"I will," the younger woman said, still trying to control her breathing.
For the entire walk back, Di kept telling her about the rules and regulations. She was grilled on duties and privileges, timings and punishments. The library was now known to be open all day until lock up. The women were allowed two hours outside. One in the morning and one after lunch. But today had been an exception since the discovery of Amelia's tragedy. During the nights, if an emergency was discovered in any cell, the button next to the door was to be pressed but only if necessary.
"Sleeping with four other people is alright," Barker stated as she unlocked Emma's cell and stood back smiling, "Shell will be moved tomorrow so it'll just be three of you. There's Maggie and Patricia who are both elderly women. And they cause no trouble. Just think of it as having two mothers nearby."
Emma forced a smile out and stepped inside the cold cell. When the door was locked, she turned to face inside the room and realized that none of them even noticed her arrival. For about an hour her heart still raced as she stood by the window that was low enough because of being on the tall side. The struggle to breathe properly was dangerously being prolonged. Fingers that trembled still.
What the hell had happened and how did it all happen so fast?
It was all her fault because she had been bold enough to force out a reaction. But this had been the first time another woman ever followed after and tried to move in closer. Every time before she had been the one to dare the kiss. The daredevil. The stupid fuck who managed to give a girl a thrill that left the lingering taste of lip gloss on lips that would eventually kiss a boyfriend. Had she been over-thinking this though? Could it be possible that the Wing Governor wasn't really attracted to her in that way? Perhaps she had come after the younger woman to prevent the disrespectful attempt to leave. But how could anyone explain the breathless reaction and eyes that remained wide?
An honest case of possible possession from a devil that haunted the prison?
So now the Wing Governor was a host for a spirit that somehow managed to place her in such close proximity with Emma, it was a deliberate attempt to draw out a reaction? In other words, she was trying to find every possible excuse to justify Regina's move. She showed her the ring. Her hand had been placed on the table with purpose because it was just after Rule 47 had come up. Emma got up and went to the painting. Studied it, noted that the artist was the Governor. And before getting a chance to leave, her personal space was invaded by an engaged woman.
The window to her cell provided a clear view of the entrance. Not a soul was in sight until Di Barker came walking through the drizzle, pushing up a red umbrella. After cheerfully speaking to the guard in the hut, she proceeded to leave. Beyond to freedom. Away from this dreaded place where everything suddenly changed. Tables were turned and the harsh reality was faced.
Another figure walked towards the gate. Someone with their shoulders hunched, wearing a red leather trench coat that reached their knees. As soon as she cast her eyes upon the ankle high boots, Emma blinked and froze up. Just as the brunette handed in something at the wall to the guard, her face was upturned. She seemed to be scanning the building as if searching for something, possibly checking that the lights were out. But when her eyes lingered on the window where Emma stood, the blonde immediately pulled back. For a full minute she stood back and didn't look out. Heart thumping hard, she eventually did peer out again but hesitantly. And when she saw Regina staring back at her, there was no chance to hide now.
They looked at each other for some time and after swaying on the spot as the wind whipped her coat, the brunette turned and made her way to the gates.
xxx
Karen Betts was the first one to notice that Regina Mills had been avoiding G Wing like the plague.
For one week, the Wing Governor stayed away from the women she so desperately and eagerly wanted to help. In every way, the brunette wished to make every possible change to a positive future for that part of the prison. She had high hopes for Regina, a smart woman with a sharp wit and a very compassionate side. A well-stocked tank of sass that was ready and whipped out when necessary, especially directed at the officers when they attempted to be cheeky or lazy. The worst thing to ever do was probably debating the Governor's methods of change.
The Number 1 always ushered in every suggestion offered by the Wing Governor. Even when the approach seemed a bit too compassionately put, pertaining to hostile criminals.
But Karen noticed this avoidance and immediately decided to question it by all means. Four days after Amelia's tragic death, her fist knocked on the door, head inclined towards it. Listening to detect if the younger woman had any visitors. Perhaps an officer was receiving a thrashing, specifically Hollamby. The lady had no limit when it came to cheekiness herself. And her ignorant lamentations on the inmates was becoming quite a sore under Karen's shoes.
"Come in," Regina practically groaned.
Betts pushed the door open hesitantly and cast her wide eyes upon the brunette holding a head of disheveled hair. Eyes lowered to the desk that was scattered with papers and folders, she looked terrible. Wanting to find out the source of this downfall was at the forefront.
"You look like shit," Karen was blunt but considerate anyway. Taking a seat, she studied a frustrated face. "What's happening to you? Are you okay?"
"Yes." The lie was acknowledged and frowned upon as hands that trembled tried to gather up the scattered papers. "Just that time of the month again."
Betts frowned deeper. "I thought you were on the Pill?"
Regina was caught like a deer in headlights. Frozen in her chair, she sighed eventually. The twisting of her silver diamond ring followed, almost like a gesture that signaled something deeper. Having being able to read women carefully for ages now, Betts caught the worrying move and her eyes flicked up to meet brown ones. Trouble in paradise. Men were and always would be disrespectful and ungrateful shits. Just like Fenner but he had been at Level 1.
"Let's talk about it," Betts offered. She leaned forward in her chair. "If you want to, that is…"
Regina tore her eyes away from the other woman and began to full up a form. "I'm neck deep in paperwork, Karen. Perhaps another time."
She wouldn't let this slip by because something was clearly bothering Mills. "Tell you what. Let's both take a deserving break from this place after eleven and grab a pint. You and me…"
Hesitant eyes considered her boss.
"Or…if you prefer orange juice?" Betts added quickly. "Look, Regina. Getting things off your chest is the best thing at this point. I've noticed you avoiding G Wing and am just concerned. If one of the inmates have been getting to you, then something should be done about it."
The brunette shook her head fast enough. "No. It's nothing like that."
"Robin giving you a hard time then?" she was pushing it but Karen had become bolder now.
"No…it's…" fists clenched and Regina breathed through her parted lips, "this job has such intensity attached to it. And my adjustment into this chair and the prison system is not proceeding as expected."
"Let's have that drink then?" Karen urged.
When the brunette agreed, a hand tucked blonde hair behind an ear. The older woman stood up and tentatively approached the door. Lingering by the threshold, she kept her back towards the Wing Governor. Perhaps it was indeed a prisoner. Or possibly trouble in paradise already. The latter could not come as a surprise to Karen because a beautiful woman like Regina would never fit any man perfectly. That was just her opinion, thought of as quite selfless. Not a romantic inclination of any sort. Just an observation. As a friend and coworker.
So when they finally managed to break away from stressful work, a glass of orange juice and a ginger ale was ordered. There goes all promises of anything else. Beer would have been a chilled treat but suddenly the weather wasn't exactly hot. It was dangerously cold, a bitter rain as cold as ice coming every now and again.
"I suppose everything for the wedding is in order?" Karen asked, fingers wrapped around her glass of ale.
"Yes."
Regina shifted on her stool and drew nearer but distance was still kept. To touch thighs with a woman who was openly gay in the prison pub; now that could ruffle some feathers. Especially with men like Jackson present, one of the officers that worked on G Wing. Careful consideration had to be made when holding a position at the top.
"Already ordered the wedding dress?"
Brown eyes focused on the many bottles lined up on the wooden shelves before them. The bartender wiped glasses and rested them on the counter. Every now and again the bell on top of the door would tinkle and someone hustled in and out of the drizzle.
"I take that as a no?" Karen was trying, she really was.
"Brushed through catalogues and websites," Regina warily said, "nothing jumps out."
"And the wedding is in five months..." emerald eyes widened when only a nod was given. "Oh come on, what has he done now?"
"Nothing," the brunette said, staring at her glass that was half empty. "He has done…nothing." Thighs squeezed together, she pushed the thought of having someone touch her intimately from a mind that was so desperately craving it.
"Having second thoughts can be frustrating, especially when you're already engaged." She had really pushed far this time in assuming. But since the move was made and a reaction was finally sparked from the other woman, Karen decided to continue. "I was in the same position. My first marriage. He was all perfect and had all the right things to say. He was the perfect man. And then..." tilting her head, blonde hair tumbled over hunched shoulders, "something inside of me kept saying over and over again, Karen, is this what you really want?"
Regina's eyes were intensely focused on her colleague who was quickly becoming a friend.
"Looking back on it now, I would have saved a lot of time and effort and money. But my son wouldn't have been born. So naturally my line of thinking is that everything happens for a reason. We gain some, we lose some..." she rested her gaze on Regina.
After a few seconds, a response was finally given. "Everything was going so...smoothly, so...perfect. And then something happened that has me second guessing everything about my life."
"You met someone else," Betts fished, never looking away. When no reply was given, she merely sighed. "It happens. The question you have to ask yourself is, which one of them sparks up the most passion in you? Which one of them gets you going, gets your heart racing every single time they come by?"
Elbows resting on the counter, Regina leaned unto it and her dark hair tumbled unto the surface. She groaned, face hidden from view as Betts eyed her colleague's shapely butt with a smile. Wearing a red long sleeved shirt in black pants today, it appeared as if every outfit worn by the woman could never look less sexy than the previous one. And that black leather jacket strewn across the stool next to them was fitting enough to draw attention anywhere, turning heads.
"At this point," Regina eventually said, "I have been struggling with a decision to be made. A distraction. Should I welcome doubts, accept the harsh truth. Am I being utterly stupid? Perhaps staying away, I thought, would have achieved some change."
Karen's eyes grew wide. "Is this why you are avoiding G Wing? Because of being distracted?"
Head lifted off the counter by an inch, the brunette held her breath.
"Is it because you don't want to bump shoulders with him after his classes?"
Regina exhaled, eyes fluttering close. Almost discovered but false alarm. Thank goodness for the save; Betts resorting to one instead of the other. She finally managed to drain her glass and swallowed hard. Eyes stinging, feeling entirely tired from lack of sleep for almost a week now, there was no easy way out of this. Unless she decided to allow something as silly as that to hinder on her job. What was she doing? What was she playing at? Staying away from all interactions because of one particular person?
"The women have been asking for you," Betts said after a while when no response was given. "They want to see more of their new Wing Governor, listen to what she has to say. Others just want to see Miss Mills walk past to grab a chance in checking her out. I don't blame them if you ask me..."
"Karen..." the brunette sent her a look, lips pursed.
"I know, I know," Betts drained her glass too and smiled. "You're engaged, you're straight as an arrow. And you're not my type anyway. But do remember that if I ever so feel inclined to play with your hair." A finger was pointed at her colleague. Regina smiled. "Then I will not be stopped."
"This choppy mess?" the brunette fingered the strands of her mane and sighed.
The wind was picking up speed and howling around a building that appeared haunted as afternoon approached. As they walked back to the main building, side by side, the inmates were on their one hour break after lunch. Checking her watch, Karen frowned at them being let out at 2pm instead of 1 which was procedure. Alternating the times was nice to be spontaneous. But they needed to keep a sense of strictness within the walls if the women were to learn anything about rules and following them.
"They alternate every day," Regina told her, probably reading the older woman's mind. "Besides, it's not quite a dramatic change like your strict regime to have each one of them take up gardening duties."
Betts turned to her. "Learning to plant flowers, watching them grow as they're taken care of, I find that it is a process of learning to have patience in the simplest things."
"Miss Betts!" Lucas called from the mesh fence, hanging unto it and smiling. She was wearing an entirely short red skirt with knee high red socks and a black shirt. "How art thou?"
"Good afternoon, Red." The blonde smiled, and approached the younger brunette.
It was a first, Regina witnessing Karen referring to a prisoner by her first name. She watched the blonde approach the fence and decided that maybe this was her chance to enter G Wing again. All of them were stretching their legs in there, some sitting on the grass and she strode forward, fists clenched. Signaling for Di Barker to open the gate, the brunette stepped through it and surveyed the scattered faces here and there briefly before turning to her officer manning that one hour break.
"Glad to have you walking around again, Miss Mills," Di smiled. "Some of the women have been asking for you, just wondering where you been. Is everything alright?"
"Yes it is," she smiled back, trying to soothe her aching nerves, fists clenched. "How have the women been thus far?"
"No trouble, if that's what you're worried about." Barker huffed out a sigh. "No fights. All of them have been taking Amelia's death rather well. And it's all because of Emma Swan." The Wing Governor stared at her officer with wide eyes without saying a word. "She's been in practically the same position as Amelia. So the women have been listening to her story more. And they're taking a lot of time to think. I guess that you will be happy to hear Emma Swan has signed up to start the Literature and English Reading Course two days ago."
Regina was just easing into this tranquil feeling and now her heart stopped beating. "She did?"
Di stared at the Wing Governor with a puzzled expression. "It's a good move, isn't it? She's trying to fit in."
The brunette composed herself and concealed anything further. "Of course it's a good move. I appreciate you informing me about that, Di. Thank you."
"I think what your fiancé is doing for the Wing is remarkable," Barker added just as Regina was about to walk away. Brown eyes were pinched with a strained smile. "He's quite a handsome fellow too. Got all the inmates smitten."
"I'll have to bat them off in due time then," she joked before eventually walking off. As soon as her back was turned on the female officer, brown eyes were rolled in disbelief.
How brazen some people tended to be. Of course Di could have possibly meant well by her comments. But certain sentences shouldn't be uttered at certain times. Quite inappropriate it was for her to point out the inmates being smitten. He was her fiancé for crying out loud. Not her fucking husband as yet.
Heels clicked upon the stone walkway as she spoke with women along the way. Asking them about their classes taken and duties. Such as gardening, and rotating tasks every now and again. None of them appeared to have any complaints to lodge this week thus far. So that was one headache to discard.
That was a glorious thought until she cast eyes upon Emma curled up on the stone steps with her nose buried in a book. Stopping immediately, the young woman's attitude of sitting was studied from across the distance with prying eyes. A gaze that was enacted and held even with witnesses busily chatting around the compound.
There Miss Swan was, forcefully turning off the world around and completely engrossed in words on a page. Something the brunette found rather...enchanting to say the least. The ability of a young woman to let her imagination soar in a place like this was amazing. She gazed at the new inmate and was so drawn to the steps, every ounce of her composure had to be used up to stay just there. To stay away.
When the Julies approached her and began a heavy conversation on flowers and seeds being brought in, Regina eventually tore her eyes away from Emma and listened in. She listened to their suggestions with half a mind, concentration torn and still latched onto someone else even when Betts had been told that all distractions would be cut off.
Upon hearing the discussion of flowers, and reading a poem about the exact item, emerald eyes were lifted. Her chest heaved when she sighed. Toes pointed, Emma stretched upon the steps and stared at the Julies speaking animatedly to someone. When she realized who that particular person was, her breath was held. Heartbeat turned up loud, a gloomy week turned into a red and passionate moment as the color of the Wing Governor's shirt was gazed at. From across the distance Emma allowed her eyes to roam the older woman's figure. From her exposed neck to slight hips, a curvy butt and gorgeous hair.
Licking her lips, the cold wind whipped blonde strands of hair into a frenzy. The pages of her book were swept through. Lucas' laughed by the fence, in the company of Belle and Miss Karen Betts. The weather was so perfect. Her kind of weather. A weather to snatch a book and swallow every word whilst lightning streaked across a sky that rumbled from thunder. The wind caressing grass and leaves in trees. The smell of wet earth. It was the perfect moment. It was supposed to be a perfect day. And still, something was missing and aching inside of her. What was missing stood right there in her line of sight, a married woman who could never ever be entwined in her future.
Looking at the Wing Governor walk away was painful for Emma because she realized that her location had not even been sought out. No effort was made to even seek her out. The brunette walked away, speaking to almost everyone and then someone called her from right behind Emma's head. It was Maggie. The woman who shared her cell, sleeping at the bottom of Patricia. All puns intended because the two older women really got touchy touchy with one another in the showers. Even though they were best friends, the intimacy between them were a little too much. Maybe Emma was pissed because every gay move just reminded her of the woman approaching.
"Ah, Miss Mills," Maggie provided in her dramatic British accent. "How grand it is to see you among us. Tell me, how was your day thus far?"
"Fine, thank you," Regina said from behind Emma. Her voice. That hoarse quality that curled the blonde's toes in her boots. "And yours?"
"Quite productive considering that we managed to plant a bed of hibiscus within the hour this morning." Patricia was like the ying to Maggie's yang. "I dare say, Miss Mills, would it be wise to have Lucas in control of the potting shed when there are much more suitable hands available?"
"Perhaps an...older...touch to the entire gardening process would be...ideal?" Maggie suggested. "Hands that already rocked the cradle and can delicately bring up small seedlings?"
The scent of White Diamond perfume. Please go away and leave. Emma squeezed her stinging eyes shut, head resting upon the cold concrete wall. Leave and just stay away because I haven't seen you for a week. I have been trying to make the most of the pain you caused me unintentionally. The feelings I suddenly have for you. All of the things you're forcing me to think about you. And now you're back and acting as if nothing happened. As if I'm just...invisible. So if Regina wished for her to be invisible, then Emma wanted nothing to do with the woman.
She decided that there was only one thing to do. Snapping her book close, the blonde stood up and without casting a look behind the wall, she strode away. In the Julies' direction footsteps led, never looking back. They both studied her face with a frown and asked whatever the matter was. When no reply was given, they shrugged.
Regina watched Emma walk away and her sentence died out. Clearing a throat that hurt terribly all of a sudden, brown eyes lingered every now and again on the young woman as she stood there. Never looking back.
"Ah, our new roommate is quite a lovely doll," Maggie said, following the Wing Governor's gaze. "She's quite respectful and beautiful in all aspects."
"She really is," Regina still couldn't peel her eyes away from the tumble of blonde hair.
Maggie sent Patricia a look.
Xxx
"Okay now who would like to approach the front and read their careful words of poetry to the class?"
As the rain lashed upon the window outside, the small classroom of women huddled together. Books were opened, scrawled with words. There were ten of them in total and possibly all of them except Emma and Red were romantically attracted to the man who stood in front of the class. She was more awed by his remarkable knowledge on English Literature. His intriguing method of teaching that involved reading and expressing one's self without holding back.
They had all been asked to choose a book of their choice. Select a character they wished to switch places with. And rewrite a scene from the book in the first person, entirely astonished that they were actually in that moment. As expected, Emma had chosen Lizzie and Red had chosen Prince Charming because she wanted to change the norm of fairy tales and actually tell it as it was from a lesbian perspective.
Red raised her hand and smiled widely. "Id' like to read my poem, if you don't mind..."
"By all means, do not hesitate in voicing your piece of talent," Robin ushered her to the front of the class. "Let the words flow."
All of them listened to Red recite a poem about Belle, entitled 'Falling Between the Pages'. It was short and sweet and by the time she was finished, her girlfriend's eyes were wet, cheeks pink.
Oh thy heart must not know what it feels like to touch a book,
A book that freshly mewls when pages are turned,
Pages that are brushed with trembling fingers and delicately caressed,
Kisses pressed to words that travel across soft pages,
Oh thy heart must not know what it feels like to love Belle.
Shell Dockley was brave enough to write a very deep poem that no one quite understood. It wasn't because she couldn't write poetry. But as Robin said, her feelings were entirely deep and such words expressed the intensity of her topic.
"It's all about trusting the wrong people," Shell explained, balancing on her high heels in front of the class. "See, I was all about wanting someone to love me. And three kiddies later, none of them stuck around. Now me kids are out there somewhere and all I can do is imagine what their lives must be like." She shook the book and sniffed. "I'll fill this with my feelings. Can't keep them inside all the time anymore."
"What an intelligent idea," Robin agreed.
Emma lifted her attention from the book she was reading and stared at him. That sentence, simple but recollected as a heart stung. Just then, the teacher managed to catch her scrutiny. Waving her to the front, she was urged to read her piece before the hour was up. A bit hesitant to do so, regardless of her neutral use in referring to gender, she found it hard to start the poem. It was simple but deeply felt. She began to recite it, head lowered.
If I could just rewind time again,
I'd turn around and run back to you,
Maybe it would have erased the pain,
Of now knowing not what to do.
Maybe a kiss would have been right,
In a moment that was so suddenly beautiful.
Sometimes I keep thinking of you holding me tight,
After then my future would end up being so wonderful.
To love someone who belongs to another,
Has always been my biggest fear,
Would you run to me if your heart only saw the torture?
The torture of your love that keeps drawing me near.
As the class clapped and Red winked, Emma felt her cheeks grow warm. Heart racing, she carefully closed the book and tucked blonde hair behind her right ear. But the entire world went on mute when emerald eyes met brown ones belonging to the brunette standing by the door. The one person who had fueled that poem from start to finish. There she was, head resting upon the frame, lips bitten as they shared a look for the first time in a week. A dreadful week. Emma couldn't take her eyes off of the older woman, no matter how hard she tried. Dark hair that was so tempting to touch, nights spent imagining what it would be like to run her fingers through it. To touch honey colored skin and feel warm breath upon her face.
Their gaze was diverted when Lucas loudly announced the Wing Governor's presence by the door. All heads turned to capture her intrusion and immediately she was ushered in. That was Emma's queue to return to her seat because keeping distance between the two of them was still preferred. Emerald eyes still sought out the ring no matter how hard she tried to avoid that. And seeing it there still made the blonde's heart sting with pain even more.
"You were just in time to hear Emma recite her poem," Robin told the Wing Governor with a smile. "Such simple words with so much meaning. All of your work today," he looked around the room, "every piece was remarkably written. Keep up the good work. And see you tomorrow at the same time."
"Goodbye Mister Robin," Red purred, taking Belle's hand, "of course we'll come back just to see your handsome face."
"Thank you, Ruby." He smiled and set eyes upon Emma gathering up her books. "Ah, Emma, might I have a minute of your time before you leave?"
Emma froze by her chair and stared at him. Her only wish was to leave the room without any further delay. But there was still one small problem. The Wing Governor was still standing near the door, so to walk past her would only be a reminder of that night. Instead, she willingly stepped towards Robin.
"I have a collection of poetry here by a woman who comes from Australia. Her name is Emily Winters." He picked up the volume with red velvet looking covers from the desk and held it out. "Why don't you have a read? As you might find, your style of writing is similar to hers. Simple yet deeply written."
"Thanks," she took the book and hugged it along with the rest.
He eyed the volume of Pride and Prejudice as the sound of heels clicking approached them. "I find that when a young lady savors Jane Austen as much as you, she tends to be quite a compassionate soul."
Holding her breath, Emma's knees grew weak. "I love Jane Austen, and Charlotte and Emily Bronte."
"You heard that?" Robin sought out Regina's eyes. "Another fan of Austen and the Brontes. You two would chat for hours on end about their novels. I dare say," he inclined his head closer to Emma and whispered, "she cannot be started on that particular book you're hugging because we wouldn't get past dinner after her quoting and intense analysis."
Emerald eyes stung but nevertheless she smiled back. "Same with me. I've probably read each book two times or more. This one, I've read at least four times."
Regina went to stand beside Robin. Something wasn't comfortable about this situation as she studied the toes of black shiny shoes. If you could only imagine the torture of standing next to an older woman who held such control over your aching heart. Emma could not believe how meeting a stranger could throw her life off balance like this. The Wing Governor seriously damaging her mind and the need to confess the truth was like being tickled with a feather whilst someone stuck nails inside your heart.
She finally asked, "Miss Swan, are you enjoying the class?"
Her throat felt like a ball was inside. But a reply was given. "Yes, Miss Mills. I always enjoyed any English class."
"I am thrilled to hear that," Regina replied, never taking her eyes off of the younger woman who stood studying her brown boots.
"Which reminds me, Emma," Robin laughed, "at our wedding, your Wing Governor wants our first dance to be like the one Darcy and Lizzie shared at the Ball at Netherfield Park. She's a hopeless romantic." He pressed a kiss unto the brunette's right cheek, pulling her in close.
Emma thought that she would die right there and then. The fright of the moment, suddenly realizing what those words meant as they sunk in. His utter joy and warmth directed intentionally. Just there. Everything in plain sight, even the ring. She stared at the two of them and felt her eyes tear up.
"You're...engaged?" she asked, staring at him. "To her?"
He smiled back warmly, tugging his obvious fiancée closer. "Yep."
Blinking fast, the blonde swallowed, eyes lowered to the floor as Regina stared back stiffly without offering the man a welcome back of affection. She was staring and Emma couldn't look at her. She just couldn't do it. Her heart began to hurt terribly, feeling like a blade was stuck in there and someone was turning it. Obviously it was in the hands of one person. The very person who gazed at the younger woman and had to blink back tears without being discovered quickly.
"I have to go," she said in a small voice, "it's almost lock up time." Which was a lie because an entire hour remained.
Without awaiting any response, she turned on her heels and headed towards the door. Her footsteps led out of there and never stopped until she was seated upon the carpeted floor in the library way at the back next to a barred up window. Hugging knees that felt severely weak, the silence around the place was ringing again. Ringing like inside the van. Driving a racing heart insane. Holding out hands as white as a chalk, emerald eyes stared at trembling fingers. For an entire week not a full meal could be consumed. The urge to eat had been snatched away, not because the food sucked. But because her stomach had been tied into knots.
She blindly pawed through the copy of Pride and Prejudice and found that particular scene. A scene that was constantly dreamt of since she was fourteen and had the first read. A breathless scene that captured the intensity of a romantic struggle, a happy ending that could be possible. Even after all the pain and sorrow. Even after he had fought against his own will to love a woman. Mister Darcy expressing his undying love for Lizzie Bennett.
Darcy was breathless: You must know, surely you must know, it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night and it has taught me to hope as I had scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings had changed, I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul and I love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.
Elizabeth was completely in love: Well then... [takes Mr. Darcy's hands and kisses them] Your hands are cold.
Mr. Darcy:[nods]
They kissed.
Emma sniffed and curled up against the cold wall. Staring at the words with lips bitten, reading them over and over again. If she could just capture one breathless outcome from being locked away inside this place for six dreadful months. If she could have returned to that office and done the one thing that would spark some hope. But to love a woman who had given her beating heart to a man like Robin. How could a young woman like her even compete with him when he carried all the handsome looks and the charm? Giving her exactly what she wanted, a stable life on the outside of these walls that promised a lifetime of kids and happy memories.
"I will have to tell you, Regina," she whispered, shoulders hunched over the book spread upon her lap. No one was inside the library. No one used it except for three people; Belle, Red and herself.
"I will have to tell you that you have bewitched me body and soul. You have made me realize that you can fall in love with someone from across a room without knowing them. Knowing they're just looking at you. And then my heart just…" head lowered, emerald eyes were squeezed shut. Tears slipped through anyway. "My heart wants you so much. How can my life be so unfair?" her hoarse question was asked, tears staining faded blue jeans. "How can I want someone who doesn't want me as much? Is that some punishment in this life? To have everyone love me less when I just want so much more?"
The rain came down so heavy, even her breathing was hidden under the sound. The beating of water against stone and glass, like the beating of her aching heart within a chest that was squeezed tight. Hugging her knees, she buried a head of blonde hair into blue jeans and cried because walls were crumbling. One year out of university, all the high hopes of living a wonderful life with a Degree in Law. Finding courage in entering the Police Force and wearing that uniform. Braving it through whatever. And now she was just crumbling because of one woman.
She could even smell her perfume stronger than ever now. It was maddening.
Dark hair fell into a face that was wet from crying. Leaning unto the shelf crowded with books, she couldn't manage a single breath without feeling the sharpness of pain within her chest. Longing to be touched. It had to be done. This was something more than expected. It was something new and profoundly disturbing. But if one simple look could drive her body into a bout of passionate feelings that only grew stronger. If knees grew weak from a simple thought of the woman behind the shelf. Then surely it must be a challenge but one that she was willing to accept no matter the cost.
Sucking in air through her parted red lips, Regina stepped around the shelf and stared at Emma huddled near the wall. She was hugging her knees and sobbing. The sound sending slices of pain into a heart that was engaged to someone else. Taking tentative steps towards the wall, the rain poured on outside as the time moved closer to 6pm.
"Within an hour," she began hoarsely as the blonde snapped her head up and stared in bewilderment, "you have managed to kill me with your bluntness…in…expressing everything your heart feels."
Emerald eyes latched onto the Wing Governor as she lingered by the shelf still, distance between them. But not for long. Steps were taken forward and when the tips of black shoes were inches from brown boots, thunder rolled above. The lights flickered.
"Dear God, Miss Swan," Regina's chest heaved, "please explain this to me. I beg of you."
"What?" the blonde choked, face turned upwards, her entire body trembling.
"What are you doing to me?" brown eyes were wide and frightful, a look the younger woman couldn't believe she was witnessing.
Silence. She sat there on the ground and choked on her feelings.
"I am engaged…" Regina continued, hoarsely as her chest heaved, "to a man who has everything to offer me. Everything a woman can ever have. A fancy house and…promises and…hopes and dreams."
Emma uncurled herself. She sat up and glared at the brunette for such bold statements. The silence between them stretched on as those words still hung in the air.
"Please don't look at me like that," brown eyes pleaded, fists clenched. "You must understand how conflicted I am at this point. It is maddening. Entirely unbelievable."
"If he's so worth it, then why the hell are you here?" Emerald eyes were growing cold.
"Because I wanted to speak to you. To see you." Regina couldn't breathe. "I have tried in vain and I cannot stay away from you. I have suffered through a week of severe torture, sleepless nights. Next to a man who I have known for three years –"
"Why don't you just turn around and go home to Robin then?" Emma asked harshly, "since he can offer you so much that I obviously can't. That I can't ever live up to. Because apparently that's all that matters anyway to everyone. The fact that a man can give you everything your heart has desired since you were a kid. Planning weddings with a groom on a cake and then rushing off to a honeymoon with straight kisses and straight…"
"I am engaged. I am not married so don't –"
"Then congratulations," her voice was bitter enough, "congratulations on finding the perfect man because he had to mean the world to you if that ring is on your finger."
"Emma –"
"Don't fuck with my feelings, Miss Mills," Emma gathered her books up and swallowed hard. She stood up, "don't you ever do that to me. You have no right to do that to me. So stop it. Stay away from me and plan your…amazing wedding." Emerald eyes avoided brown ones. "I don't give a shit about your happy life on the outside right now."
Without awaiting a response, she strode down the aisle and blindly reached for the door handle through tears. Eyes that burnt as the pit of her stomach felt terrible. Heels clicked upon the tiled floors as fast as possible. She ran and couldn't stop herself because the passion inside of her was overbearing at that point. The need to stop Emma like the last time and have her words that were recited earlier come true.
Just as she followed blonde hair outside the library, about to close the distance and pull the younger woman back, the bell tolled. It was 6pm. Lock up time. Without giving a shit about curfews and that one of them had to return to solitary confinement, Regina advanced on Emma and the younger woman eventually felt the wall behind her. Eyes wide, they gazed at each other breathless and completely out of their minds.
The brunette's hands reached out bravely, attempting to touch Emma. But her arms were snatched and held around the wrist, eyes searching each other. Wondering and fighting back what wasn't supposed to be at this point. She fought her. Regina tried to move in closer but Emma did the one thing Lily had taught her to do. Perhaps it was painful but it was a hard lesson learnt.
"I'm not going to let you screw my life up," she said through tears. And with one shove, distance was created between them. Emma's chest heaved as she stared at Regina's look of astonishment. Brown eyes that were so wide and terrified. "I don't want to be your…experiment. Pawing around with me and then running off to marry –"
"Hey!"
Both of them jumped as the gate clattered open, keys jingling. Betts came through the entryway quickly, eyes wide. And she advanced on them, eyes flicking from one to the other.
"Swan, that's out of order!" she exclaimed, staring at the younger woman in astonishment. Standing in between as if acting up a referee role, Emma's fists remained clenched when she stared at Betts.
"I'm fine," Regina said in a hoarse voice barely audible as tears clouded her eyes.
"It doesn't appear to be that way!" Betts stared at her in astonishment. "What has she done?"
When there was no response, Karen turned to the younger woman and glared at her. The tension was sparking with anger and passion, being completely misunderstood and utterly passing wrong judgment.
"Rule 47," Karen said through gritted teeth. It was like a slap upon Emma's face, a cold one. "You're going down the block…for the first time…and it has only been one week. I am ashamed of you, Swan. Such high hopes and you just managed to prove me wrong in every possible way."
"Karen," Regina's voice was weak and unsteady, trembling fingers covering her eyes as the ground was stared at, "let me handle this."
"I saw what happened," Betts would not back down. The situation could not be reversed. "She shoved you…in front of me…I saw it, Regina. And this kind of behavior is not allowed. We will speak about this further tomorrow. You." She rounded on Emma, "come with me. Now."
"I don't mind anyway," Emma returned, glaring at Regina, "it's better to be down the block, than to be a distraction to someone who obviously needs to get her priorities in order."
Karen blinked two times fast. Surely it must have been a coincidence that the word 'distraction' was used? Hadn't the brunette only used that specific word earlier in the pub? It probably was just a figment of her imagination. But why were the Wing Governor's brown eyes wet from tears? She turned to Regina and scrutinized a face that was terribly strained from some sort of emotion. Catching the older woman gazing upon her with prying eyes, the brunette looked away quickly.
It was then when Betts realized what had occurred here. After all, her senses had been spot on since the return to work. She caught up with the alarming situation and her heart was pinched. Shaking a head of blonde hair that was shorter than Swan's, she took a light hold on Emma's shoulder and led her away. Leaving the brunette there was probably a smart move, and it was a relief that the position was maintained. For them to be followed, a confrontation would arise and Betts wasn't prepared to handle one at that moment.
Emma was led to the Segregation Wing and she welcomed it with folded arms. Before leaving, Betts cornered her and stepped closer. They stared at each other whilst the younger woman deliberately held up a front. To act the role of looking extremely angry.
"I don't know what has happened, Swan. I really have no idea. But as personal as it might be, as hurtful as the situation could be, I'd like you to draw the line immediately between yourself and Miss Mills."
"I didn't do anything –"
Betts refused to believe such a statement. "Well you obviously did something!" she stared in disbelief. "She's seriously devastated. She's been avoiding G Wing for a week now! Don't try to conceal that kind of behavior from me, because you are fully aware that I am more than capable of detecting any lie in that department."
"Then keep me down the block for the remaining six months," Emma said through tears, "because I'd rather be away from her and suffer whilst getting over it. Than see her every single day, knowing that she's trying to use me as an experiment." She couldn't control herself. She just couldn't. And the minute Betts absorbed her hurt, and detected the honest conflicting feelings in emerald eyes, she softened up.
"So it's you," Karen said softly, hanging her head, a sigh escaping. "I would have never guessed. This is unbelievable."
"Tell me about it," Emma muttered.
"What happened?" the older woman asked, "how far did this go, Swan?"
"As far as you just saw," the blonde confessed. "That's it."
"Then you have one of two choices to make a firm decision on," Betts's voice took on a serious tone, "either you avoid her at all costs and cut the feelings immediately. Or one of you leaves Larkhall. That's what I'm putting on the table. And I am being quite reasonable here, Emma. So take the time spent in that room to think about it."
"But I didn't make any advances or anything!" Emma was defensive. She suddenly realized that her intentions were never to put the Wing Governor down. Her feelings were genuinely present, heart wrenching feelings that must go away. And she would never allow Regina to take the fall no matter what.
"Did she make advances on you?" Karen held her breath.
"No, we just happened to be in the same room together and then…"
"Then stay away from those situations and mingle with Lucas, Belle, anyone."
"I use the washroom alone," Emma replied smartly.
Karen pointed a finger, "don't play smart with me. I am warning you, Swan. If anything like this happens again, real action will be taken. This is a warning. I am sticking my neck out here for you. Only because I am aware of the intensity of this situation, far more than you even know. So wait out the six months and keep your nose clean or else you'll be shipped out or she leaves a job she has been dreaming of having for a long time."
After locking Emma in the cell, Betts rested her forehead on the cold door and sighed. This reminded her of two people that she had close relations with before. Two women who had moved on in life but at severe costs and risks. Nikki Wade and Helen Stuart. It was like a repetition of almost five years ago.
When she had been trying to keep composure, preventing herself from ending up in the same situation, her own engaged Wing Governor was slipping into quick sand.
Helen Stuart, the woman who sat in Regina's chair a few years ago had been engaged and had promises of marriage until Nikki Wade woke her up. The two of them were literally together in secret and Karen was aware of it. Especially walking in on certain instances when Helen was in Nikki's cell. The intense gazes and stolen conversations. All of it was damaged by Fenner who eventually forced Helen to resign. But Nikki's case was heard again and she was set free, meeting Stuart on the outside.
"Be strong, Emma," she said, even though the line was being crossed between her and an inmate. "If it's really meant to be then you must have patience and wait. Things have a funny way of showing themselves when least expected."
"What kind of shitty comfort is that, Betts?" the younger woman asked from behind the door. "She's going to marry him and you're telling me to wait it out if I really want this?"
"Then if you want this, and I catch you two, I have no choice but to do exactly as was said earlier." Betts swallowed hard. "One of you will have to leave."
"Life is so…" Emma kicked the door, "…fucked up!" She strode into the room and threw herself unto the bed without assessing its condition.
Betts gave the door a final look before returning to the library. When she reached there, Regina was nowhere in sight. By the time her footsteps led outside into the downpour, the brunette had already left. There wasn't a sign of her Mercedes Benz.
Xxx
One week after Regina received her scolding from the Number 1 on the consequences of her actions if anything proceeded further, she left for two weeks' vacation. Two weeks ended up stretching out to four weeks, the additional two taken without pay. And within that time, Robin could not get close to her without sparking up a surprising defensive reaction. Regina closed up and refused to further their wedding plans. She drank herself into a stupor, drowning in Bourbon and he couldn't understand the meaning of the sudden drama. Her display of utter devastation turned into an argument. Somewhere in that argument, she snapped the truth that she had met someone who made her feel so passionately in love again. Something he had let die down after two years of dating and intimacy.
She made the step to move out, confiding in Betts who willingly offered her a place to stay. Betts was beyond bruised when Regina confessed her true feelings for Emma one night after suffering for four weeks in doubts. Over a bottle of Scotch, they placed everything on the table, the older woman leading with her current attachment to a married lover.
"I don't even know her," Regina said, a finger caressing the rim of the glass half empty, "Karen, I don't even know a single thing about her. Except her charges, her involvement with this…horrible person. Her interest in becoming a Police Officer. Her passionate interest in Jane Austen and my favorite authors, poetry, the fact that she has recently graduated from college. She studied Law and she used to party at nights, couldn't sleep. She'd study between classes. She slept between study breaks. Now after lock up, she reads.
Karen's eyes widened. She snorted. "I'd say that you know more than enough about her."
"But she's twenty three and I'm…almost…fifty." The brunette didn't look her age. She glowered and was often mistaken as younger.
"You're forty five for crying out loud. Look at me," Betts laughed, "I'm fifty. You could easily pass for a thirty year old without much effort. So don't play the age game. The woman I'm with. She's thirty seven. Age is just a number. Once you start counting the years between you, then your heart will die. And trust me, being with a younger woman at this age is quite…exciting. Daphne helps me feel younger again."
"She's half my age, Karen." Regina would not let it go. "She's half my age and I'm behaving like a smitten teenager –"
"That's because you're in love with a woman for the first time and the feelings are really brand new," Karen poured them another drink, "intense! You wish to explore these feelings immediately. And that's where you must be careful. Because using someone as an experiment isn't promising. A touch and go situation. If you wish to simply have a one night stand with…" she refused to say the younger woman's name. Her head was shaken. "You see what you're making me do here? I am actually drawn to aiding you on in pursuing an inmate! It's completely out of line!"
"I can wait six months," the brunette said hoarsely, "if it means that she'll wait on me as well. Then I will wait as long as it takes just to…"
"Just to what?" Betts urged on.
"I want her to show me what I have been missing for my entire life," Regina confessed. "Why she has awakened me at this point in time. And what it feels like to be loved by another woman. Because suddenly I have realized that she came into my life. And I have given up everything because of her. Everything. Why?" she held her head, voice hoarse. "I am completely in love with a young woman who has no idea what she has done to me."
"You're a fool in love," Betts said softly, "one of those fairy tale romances that begin with a simple look and turns into a fight that basically ends with two people living forever with each other. I envy you, Regina. If my love life could have been so alluring. Daphne is married. You're obviously single again and the woman you love is being released in six or less months."
They almost drank the entire bottle of Scotch mixed with ginger ale. Feet curled up under her, Regina definitely eased into a zone that softened the pain of not quite understanding how intense such an affair could be. One minute her life had been shared with a man who had stolen from the rich many years ago as a lawyer and he willingly helped the poor with the excess money. He donated to charities and good things came his way eventually. They both studied hard and met at a conference. He owned one of the nicest mansions in the neighborhood. She drove a Mercedes and he rolled around in a beat up jeep that was specifically bought to hide his wealth. But wealth soaked his compassion up and they both down spiraled since last year. He began to find thrills in his drinking buddies and staggered home past the midnight hour when her mind was already asleep.
He stopped trying to win her, to please a woman who was aching to be touched. To be caressed and hugged. A woman who wished to find love in the pleasurable moments and cuddle in the arms of someone who kept on caring. She had experienced none of these things with Emma. So why was her heart pulled towards such a dramatic situation?
Xxx
Within two months, Emma managed to significantly prove herself wrong whilst the Wing Governor's office remained empty and all the inmates drew the conclusion that the woman had left the job. Betts didn't assist in stating a clear answer either as to if the brunette had left. But gradually it was assumed that she had gone for good.
A certain someone fought with her inner feelings to overcome such weaknesses immediately.
When her outer appearance on life seemed tragic and there was every belief in lowering the flimsy self-esteem built thus far. She managed to push herself into the depths of healing that arose from continuous delving through the pages of literature. Words that were written on a page and many people overlooked. A simple sentence that unfolded with extreme meaning. The strength of characters like Kay Scarpetta from Patricia Cornwell's novels, a pathologist that created this fire in Emma and kept her burning bright. Eventually this awe in a fictional character's personality pushed a young lady to really reconsider her approach on life.
She began to take things easy and work to build her mind into becoming someone who could actually make a difference.
Lucas was terribly surprised when the thought was suggested at first. Staring with wide brown eyes at her newest best friend, lips were parted.
"You're serious?" the lady with the red streaked hair asked, eyeing the copy of Pride and Prejudice in Emma's hand. "Are you seriously fucking serious?"
"Yeah," Emma hung her head, blonde hair tumbling over shoulders that were exposed. A green tank top made her appear somewhat stronger than usual, confident. "I was thinking that we start with Maggie and Patricia and Alice from the 3s. Also Jenny and Lexa. I'm not so sure about Terry because she doesn't like to talk much."
Belle smiled warmly. "But Terry has read possibly millions of books already since she's been in here for almost twenty years now. I think the library has been run over at least twice by her hands. And she's even managed to have them add new books over the years."
"I dare say the woman is a fucking encyclopedia," Red provided smartly, "speaking of the devil. Here she is at last."
The three of them cast eyes upon the brunette as she neared the table. It was Lucas who stood up and blocked her pathway nicely. Nearing forty years old, Terry Beckett was one of the lifers who had spent possibly the longest sentence thus far in G Wing. When everyone would avoid the woman because of her shyness and reserved personality, Emma had noticed how remarkably beautiful she was. A lady who was well set on making an appearance but doing so quietly. The need to wear her hair in the best style, just below her ears and choppy. Gold tints that brought out blue eyes. Heavy black eyeliner and blood red lipstick. Studs running up her right ear and the excess of rings on well-manicured hands.
The Julies said that she reminded them of Yvonne Atkins. The amazing woman and friend Fenner had offed about two years ago. Whenever a situation went out of control, Terry stepped in with her mature opinions and broke fights up. She even managed to stop a riot three weeks ago that was initiated by Shell. Because the other woman reminded Emma of Kay Scarpetta, her pride in the individual was beyond awe. It was like having a role model who had been thrown in prison for feeding her abusive husband poison. A man who had tried to beat the shit out of her and strong hands fought back.
"We three were thinking," Lucas began, leaning upon the table, voice lowered, "that we could start like a reading circle where we meet and discuss books and stuff. And we figured that maybe you'd want to join us..."
Terry's blue eyes flicked from Red then Belle then lingered on Emma. The younger woman offered a smile and her copy of Pride and Prejudice was focused on eventually.
"A reading circle," she said in such a cool voice, it amazed Emma. "When would we meet?"
Emma was astonished that the invitation was accepted without questions. "Fridays after lunch?"
"Right," Terry sat upon the edge of the table facing Emma and didn't hide her scrutiny on the younger woman's appearance. "And the first book up for discussion is...Pride and Prejudice?"
All three of the ladies smiled widely at the older woman.
"Well if you must know, we're all suckers for the classics. So Bronte and Austen will be explored a lot more than usual," Belle piped up with a smile. "We can take turns suggesting another book as one is finished."
"I'm in. Whose idea was this?"
The blonde's cheeks turned pink. "Mine actually. I decided to find myself in here. And I need the help of books."
"Books..." Terry began, blue eyes lingering on Emma's copies displayed, "are an intelligent woman's closest companions. Men are simply nothing compared to such pieces."
"Men are fuckers," Lucas boldly pointed out.
"Well after what my husband did to me," the older woman slipped Emma's book from between her fingers and studied it, "I couldn't agree more. Women are no different either. Bitches in all aspects."
"I like you already," Red said smiling widely, "don't you like her guys?" She stared at Emma and Belle in fascination, "I like an older woman who's as hot as hell but she also knows to use her fucking brains."
"Thank you," Terry said smiling.
And it is after one of these reading circle sessions that Emma found herself alone in the company of Terry one night. Perhaps it was just a coincidence that this occurred. Maybe it was bound to happen. And as they sat discussing the true intentions of Darcy next to each other in the dim lighting of the library, the older woman leaned in and pressed a kiss unto Emma's lips. At first she was astonished by the move and stared. But after realizing how hurt her heart had been for quite some time, especially since a certain person had clearly left the job, a change was needed. What it felt like to kiss a woman after Lily and...
Those nights spent dreaming of her and the last time they cast eyes on each other. When she was pushed away and taken down the block to spend a week in segregation. Crying and cursing life, realizing that the brunette did not give a shit because no visit was made in that cell. She had stayed away until Emma was let out and then everyone informed her that the Wing Governor had gone on vacation. In other words, the same thing had occurred again. Another female managed to fuck up her composure and attempted to destroy what little bit of a beaten heart she had left. But as mentioned before, the bite was hot but it was quick and easily brushed under the mat.
At least that's what she wanted to belief and forced herself to belief.
Within her third month spent in prison, already adjusting to the inside because she was in the company of amazing people, Emma was proven wrong. Her strong belief in making it happen with someone else could appear sturdy for three weeks thus far. Stolen kisses and hugs that basically led to nothing too fast because she had learned to face the harsh reality of life. Terry wasn't going to get out of here. Therefore there wasn't a future in that area of love. They eventually faded out but comforted each other anyway.
One afternoon whilst they were brushing through Mansfield Park, just in the recreation area about 4:30 pm, Betts walked in. Ruby had received a serious tongue lashing from Belle about flirting with the older woman. Therefore no catcalls or flirtatious remarks were made anymore upon casting eyes upon the Number 1. Sitting with her mouth clamped shut, she stared at Betts whilst the room grew silent. Everyone was suddenly uneasy, wishing to know why Karen was there all of a sudden. Perhaps it was tragic news.
"Hollamby has left the job," Shell did a great impression of Betts and received an applause and downright hoot from the other women.
Karen glared at her but eventually smirked whilst hugging a clipboard. Her eyes sought out Emma and she held a gaze that troubled the younger woman.
"I am just here to hand out assessment sheets based on your time spent in prison thus far..." snorts and rude exclamations followed, "you can all use the opportunity to suggest changes that will be looked at thoroughly."
"By who?" Shell stood up glared. "By you lot? Don't pretend as if you care because you don't. Look at the state of this place for crying out loud. You have us doing gardening, dirtying my nails -"
"It's a pity that you cannot take away something positive from a wonderful thing such as planting a flower and watching it grow," Betts replied.
"I want to watch my kiddies grow up! Not some sodden plant!"
"You should have thought of that when you murdered someone." Karen still had her eyes on Emma and it wasn't a nice occurrence. Was the older woman checking her out or something? Surely she couldn't be. "Anyway, I'm going to pass these around and you'll return them to me by tomorrow afternoon to be assessed by the top."
"You mean you alone," someone said as the papers were distributed. "Anyway, it's good to have a woman reading the papers for once. Our thoughts."
"Oh Miss Betts will read our suggestions," the taller Julie said smiling. "She always does."
"Always," the shorter one confirmed, "we just miss having two women at the top, is all. We miss Miss Mills..."
Emma lowered her eyes and focused on Mansfield Park, eyes that burnt suddenly. Terry had an arm around her and she didn't feel calm anymore because indeed the Governor's absence had destroyed her. Even trying hard to move through it was like just building up a facade. Like a Styrofoam wall that could be punched down easily. Who was she fooling?
The jingle of keys and the gates were being opened as she studied a page without reading any word. The heavy whispers that began and then the sound of heels. Betts was probably coming her way to hand over the sheet of paper.
"Miss Mills!" The Julies piped up, and Emma's eyes flew open wide. "It's so good to have you back!"
"Three bloody months!" Lucas exclaimed in awe.
Emerald eyes immediately fixated on the approaching brunette through the gates and she couldn't believe it. Even when Ruby gave her a small kick under the table, completely understanding how shocking this was, Emma still couldn't process the occurrence.
In walked Regina dressed as usual to stun any room full of people. Wearing a black long sleeved tailored jacket, a knee length black skirt and Emma's favorite color shirt: purple. The same purple one she had been dressed in when they first met. With her black killer heels, she took confident steps towards the pool table and rested a folder upon it. Dark hair touched her shoulders now, after three months and maybe it was possible to appear even more beautiful after so much time. Especially to Emma who immediately forgot the arm wrapped around her, belonging to a woman she had given a chance, desperately trying to muffle these unbelievable feelings.
"Good evening, everyone," she appeared absolutely different. Something about her eyes were sparkling more than ever. "I have returned in one piece. After quite a long vacation and a considerable amount of relaxation."
"You go, Miss Mills!" Lucas pumped her fists in the air. "Show them!"
"Did you get married already?" The Julies asked in unison, eyes wide and eager to know. "Is that why you're glowing?"
The brunette smiled but not once did she look in Emma's direction. It severely had an effect on the younger woman, immediately believing that she had indeed been played like an instrument. That everything had been completely unfair. Used and led on. She stared at the table hard, fists clenched. Anyway, it wasn't as if she actually still had feelings for the horrible woman who came back with a mask. Like some kind of an Evil Queen who played with hearts and destroyed them.
"There was no wedding," Regina said. The Julies gasped and so did some of the other women. Ruby turned to Emma with wide eyes, completely astonished. "Bad mistake. Moving on."
Emma couldn't believe it.
"Anyway," applause started because generally in there, most of the women were men haters these days. Regina smiled at the pool table, hair falling into her face. "As Miss Betts informed you, I'd like those sheets to be handed in by tomorrow so that we can both have a look at your suggestions. Please be assured that I will read every single one of your feedback with the utmost care in making changes that will benefit all of you."
Pressing the heels of her hands into stinging eyes, Terry asked what the matter was. She hadn't looked at her even once.
She hadn't even searched. Even if it was a mistake, which it obviously was, at least searching out a face would have been appreciated. To know that it wasn't all a figment of her imagination. And all those nights spent imagining their life on the outside wouldn't go to waste as being dreamt of by an obviously insane young woman. A woman who had honestly loved this older woman back. But believed that she should not be used as an experiment during an engagement.
"I have a list here that I'd like to share, in making a few changes for starters," Regina said after a pause.
If Emma had been looking, she would have been proven wrong. That her location had been sought out and brown eyes were focused on her. Even Betts had noticed. Instead, she rested her head upon the copy of Mansfield Park, eyes squeezed shut.
"Your recreational breaks have been set for 10am to 11am and 1pm to 2pm every day without any alternating."
A few groans filled the air but not much because no one cared really. Just the actuality of being let outside was enough.
"Patricia and Maggie, you are now in charge of the potting shed alongside Lucas..."
"What?" Red was mortified. "What the hell?"
"And Emma Swan..."
Amidst Red's protests, she heard her name and refused to belief it had really been uttered. Terry had to nudge her eventually. Emma looked up and focused her wet eyes upon Regina. For the first time, they looked at each other and in that moment, the feelings that had been hidden came rushing back into her head. All of them. Emma couldn't breathe.
"Pack your things," Regina said with a bland expression.
The heart could stop. Ice could suddenly fill up one's chest. Little daggers poking about. She's shipping me out. Great. Thanks a fucking lot.
"You're moving up to the 3s because of good behavior and approval by Miss Betts and myself," the Wing Governor added.
Emma couldn't process it. Even when the Julies clapped and Terry as well as her friends cheered her on, she couldn't believe it. Staring at the brunette in amazement, the entire room was muted and for the first time, she realized that maybe, just maybe she could be wrong about the woman. Lingering near the gate as Betts approached them, Regina diverted her eyes to speak to two women. Red had congratulated Emma and was already arguing with Patricia and Maggie about the sudden change.
"Why don't you start packing your things now, Emma?" Karen asked with a warm smile. "In fact, I'd like to speak to you privately during that. So let's get a move on."
She was followed into the room that had been shared with three others for three months. Emma pulled the plastic bag from under her mattress and silently began gathering up the few possessions. Books, mostly books. Whilst packing clothes that had almost become like uniforms from over wearing them, Karen slightly closed the door and hugged her clipboard.
"I noticed that you've taken a liking towards Terry," she observed openly. "But she's a lifer."
"I know," Emma said quietly, collecting her toiletries from the small cabinet.
"Maybe it's not best to attach yourself to someone you cannot share a future with..."
"As if I have any luck otherwise..."
Silence dragged on as the women chattered outside.
"So when you get out of here soon enough," Betts watched her, "what are your plans?"
"I still want to be a cop," the younger woman said, chucking her deodorant into the bag. She looked at Karen. "If they'll let me be one still."
"I can help you get into the prison system as an officer," the Number 1 informed her smiling. "I can even help you earn the title as Head Officer in charge. Or if you prefer, you can take up a job with a deeper connection to the inmates since you are already helping out a great deal. Perhaps Area Management can fit you in a program that assists lifers or...women who have been abused. Or you can teach a course to the inmates..."
Emerald eyes lit up. "Geez, that's..." Emma gasped. Her chest heaved. "That's incredible! You'd do that for me?"
"Of course I would, Emma. Because you are a very special young lady." Betts smiled widely, glad to see a smile and receive that reaction. "You have proven me wrong in every aspect. And even though I had misjudged you before, I must say that I am completely sorry."
Suddenly Emma frowned because something was realized. Those words shouldn't have been spoken by Karen. Instead someone else should have been standing there, offering to help, showing that she 'genuinely cared'. And when that certain someone was thought of, tears came to Emma's eyes. She immediately turned her head away and twisted the top of the plastic bag.
"Why the sad face?" Betts asked, frowning deeply. "Having second thoughts already?"
"No, it's just..." she shook her head, "never mind -"
"No, tell me," the older woman urged. "What just happened there?"
"Everything you just said to me," Emma began, turning her eyes finally to Betts, "everything you just offered, choosing to help me. I just kind of realized that maybe someone else should have been there telling me those things. Not that I don't appreciate what you want to do. But I just wished that -"
"I know," Karen sent her a small smile, "I know Emma. Don't give up hope just yet."
"There you go again asking me to hold onto something I can't have." Picking up the bag, she hugged it.
"Don't give up hope, I said," Betts told her sternly. "Listen to me. Believe me. You are wrong."
"Yeah right," she followed the older woman into the recreational area once more and noticed that Regina had left already. "My life is shit, Miss Betts."
"Maybe I might second guess putting you on the 3s after such a low way of seeing yourself," Karen climbed the steps alongside her. "You have got to have faith, Emma. In all things. Completely speaking from knowing as much, your life will become better. The minute you set foot on the outside again, the change will be remarkable. I can guarantee you that."
She shook her head. She didn't believe it either way.
After leading her to the room next to Terry's, Betts left. Unpacking in a room all to herself was a small glorious moment. At least it was supposed to be freshly amazing. But after resting her books upon a small cabinet, she realized that it wasn't that glorious. It wasn't anything at all. Having her own bed in a room all to herself would soon turn out to be tormenting. Being locked in here alone, fighting nightmares about one woman. Feeling the real feel of sleeping alone.
There came two knocks on the door and she didn't turn around, believing it to be Terry.
"Come in," she said warily, "but don't chuck happiness my way because honestly, Terry, this isn't really a step into paradise. What I want..." her books were fixed neatly into the small space as she stooped, "is something I can never have from the looks of it. Can you even begin to imagine what it's like to love someone who has no idea how much you love them?"
She heard the door clang lightly upon the frame, the bolt preventing it from fully closing.
"I have to tell you something, to be honest," Emma said hoarsely, standing up, back still facing the door, "I fell in love with someone right? And I thought I could move past them by burying myself in books and...helping others. Lending a hand, you know? And then...then I realized today that I can't ever get over her. Because she's...I am so in love with her at this point, I can't even imagine what it would be like to love another woman. And I just...I just want to..." fists clenched, she heard heels click closer. Her eyes burnt, imagining Terry's saddened face. "I just want to tell her how many times I've dreamt of being with her...touching her and...kissing her."
The scent of White Diamond perfume was so strong, she almost died.
Turning around, Emma's breath was knocked out of her. Less than a foot away stood Regina and when she felt fingers entwine with hers, the world spun dangerously. It couldn't be happening. It really couldn't be. She was standing so close to her. She really was there. It was her imagination playing tricks on a mind that had become insanely focused on the brunette. Never wanting to let go. They stared at each other in astonishment and the feel of Regina's fingers next to hers was enough to send her body into a rage of desire.
"You must know, surely you must know, it was all for you," Regina began in a hoarse voice, holding Emma's hand. "The time off I took was all because of you. I spoke with...Betts," her voice was unsteady, eyes filled with tears, "and she has taught me to hope as I had...scarcely allowed myself before."
"Regina..." Emma said, breathless and completely in awe. The Wing Governor was quoting Mister Darcy and it was perfectly...amazing!
"Yes."
"Oh God, is it really you?"
"It is...really me."
"You really came back..."
"I could never stay away even though it was attempted..."
"I broke Rule 47 for you," Emma couldn't control herself as she smiled, "I was sent down the block and it was horrible. I really tried to forget you. I wanted to forget..."
The brunette gasped through parted lips and smiled, chest heaving.
"Emma, if your feelings are still what they were, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not...changed, but one word from you will silence me forever." She drew closer, close enough to force an immediate touch between the two of them. Bodies meeting. "If, however, your feelings had changed, I will have to tell you. Emma, you have...bewitched me body and soul and I love..." she breathlessly stopped, resting their foreheads together, "I love you."
Their lips grazed, sending electric bolts shooting through bodies that had been longing for this moment. Parted lips allowed warm breath to caress tingling cheeks. Shoulders held with shaky hands. Emma waited to be kissed. She wanted this so bad.
Then there was a knock on the door and they both moved away from each other, pink cheeks glowering in the dark.
It was Red. And she finally put two and two together and realized what the hell had been going on with Emma for three months now.
Xxx
A/N – No. I refuse to give you the kiss that easily. I never give kisses easily. As a reader that has followed me for long, then you'd know that. So let me hear the feedback. Hit me with it hard. Two chapters left. I think. I don't...know...as...yet. **wink**
