Who's the Baddest?

Sho'Nuff!

Who is the prettiest?

Sho'Nuff!

Who's the baddest mofo low-down around this town!

Sho'Nuff!

WHO'S THE MASTA!

Sho'Nuff!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

SHO'NUFF!

The Shogun a' Harlem. Also, who owns Neon Genesis Evangelion?

Not you, Master. But you could kick Anno's ass.
Damn right. Anyways, get my keyboard ready, I've got some writing to do.

What's the story going to be about Master?

Shit, I don't know. I make this stuff up as I go along.

So we should expect some really strange crap, right Master?

Precisely, except you may never insult anything graced by my influence in such a way. Die.

And with that, I bit his Achilles tendon in half and then slammed his skull into the floor until he died. That's what happens when someone betrays the sacred duties of the entourage.

---

One of the greatest mysteries of the teenager is why their showers take so very long. Well, not really. Everybody knows what the teenage guys are doing in the shower, and the most recent intelligence suggests similar things for the females. Shinji was not privy to this information, but he knew for practical purposes that Asuka was going to be in there for ages. More today, he presumed…the girl would probably need a lot of scrubbing before she was satisfied. Interestingly enough, this was the first time that he had imagined anything to do with Asuka and the shower without giving it a second thought. Ah, those few minutes of satisfaction…it wasn't much satisfaction though, because other matters were bearing down on the boys mind; specifically, what would be bearing down on other parts of the boy in the near future.

Shinji had dressed himself when Misato left the room acting like she had never seen anything so funny. He hesitantly walked out to find his guardian.

"Misato? What's going to, um…happen to me?"

She quickly put on a serious face and gave an expression of deep thought.

"Speaking from a tactical standpoint and remembering all of my training in military strategy, I would first try to get into the mind of the enemy," Misato firmly told him. "And knowing the behavior of the current foe, I would say that after she gets out of the bathroom, her preferred policy will be one of Vernichtungsgedanke."

"Danke? That means thank you, right?" Shinji asked without even needing to hear the answer. His world view(Or his Weltanschauung, but if he knew what that was he'd already have it confirmed) did not allow for him to get off that easily.

"Not quite Shin-chan. It's a little bit of military theory. It calls for the fast annihilation of the opposing forces."

Shinji pondered on this for a moment.

"So what you're saying..is that…"

Realization dawned on him.

"ASUKA IS GOING TO BLITZKRIEG MY BALLS?"

Barely even taking the time to shove a piece of left-over toast into his mouth, Shinji dashed out of the apartment fueled by the only thing which ever really saved his ass: the preservation of one's legacy.

---

Post-Publication Author's Note: Stop here. Don't read the rest, it's bad and it's disgusting. Not for the prude, to be sure; certainly not for those who want realistic characters or quality. But I wrote it, so I'll publish it.

---

A long while later, Asuka strolled out of the bathroom clad in--not surprisingly--a gratuitously low-hanging towel.

"Mi-sah-tooooooooo" she sang out as she looked into the living room, obviously in a good mood.

"Damn it Asuka, the rest of us like hot water too! What took you so long?"

The redhead smiled as she replied, "Well I discovered the strangest thing about myself today."

Misato raised an eyebrow, intrigued by the girls answer, and the lack of ear damage she was suffering. "What kind of discovery, Asuka?"

"It turns out that I've got a HUGE semen fetish!"

Silence reigned supreme. Oh, it had fought over the rich lands of the Katsuragi residence before, campaigning back and forth against the hated armies of Noise. Now, now it had triumphed, for Noise's greatest weapon had been stolen from it and added to Silence's arsenal. The One-Of-Mighty-Lungs had been turned against her former liege.

Misato tilted her head slightly and calmly spoke. "Asuka? Sweety? What the fuck has happened to you?"

"Crazy, isn't it? I was so pissed off at first, but as I was laying there in the water, I started thinking about what had happened…and I was just so aroused! I forgot all about being angry and just, uh…"

"Oh, I was a teenage girl once too! I know what I did in the shower. Still do." Misato replied, surprisingly acceptant of the current conversation. "I'm just so happy for you Asuka! I remember when I first discovered that I had a gun fetish! Oh, Kaji would pull out his piece, and before I knew it I was pulling out his other piece, and it was just so magical!" She eyes glistened with nostalgic tears as she gave Asuka a proud maternal hug.

---

Shit, I don't even know how we got here. Hell if I know what real "girl talk" is like…I can dream, can't I?

---

Not even the mention of her Kaji plowing Misato like a field could dampen Asuka's spirits. Ain't nothin' gonna break her stride, damn it.

"Oh, you shouldn't go on like that!" she said. "Shinji'd probably have a heart-attack if he heard you. Say, where is that dork anyways? He's got some producing to do."

---

Alright, screw it, chapter over. This is what I get for deciding to start writing at midnight. Strike this one from the records, it shall forever be known as the Chapter That We Don't Pay Attention To. The next one will start from the "legacy." Consider the rest one of those Omake thingies. Yeah.