It's barely been 12 hours!
Overwhelmed with grief, hurting but still finding an uncomfortable level of desire for the both of my two 'captors'. I lie down, too embarrassed to face them.
What do I do? They don't know me, I don't know them. What am I sposed to say? There's a crushing weight on my chest, a headache is coming on. My breaths become shorter. I just want to cut, to feel the blood run for real. My throat is all tingly and I'm struggling to hold in the tears.
Silence. I guess they don't know what to say either.
The bed creaks, then a crackle from the ugly pale green plastic mattress cover as Sam sits down on the opposite bunk. Rolling onto my back I see that his tall frame is making him hunch over to avoid the top bed hitting his head; she stands between the two sets of bunks, this silence is deafening.
"So now what?" I whisper through soft gasps.
"Well you're clearly not okay," he replies gently. "I know what has been happening here is difficult, I'm here to help, if I can."
Sit up, leaning in the corner. "Help with what? He's dead. Everyone dies. Jamie's just the latest and I should've bloody learnt by now not to let anyone get close to me, I won't be making that mistake again."
They are looking at me with pity eyes. I wish they wouldn't.
Colonel Carter takes on a similar tone to Sam. "Sam tells me you were trying to hurt yourself?"
"Trying for some relief, so? I'm fine now and why did youse get involved anyway? I'm a stranger, a nobody."
"It's my job to help people, I tend to notice things; when I arrived I got the feeling something is wrong and you singled out Colonel Carter at the stall, so I figured maybe you might listen to her."
Glance up at her, quickly looking down into my hands when she tries to make eye contact.
"We aren't complete strangers. Grace, we've known each other for a few weeks now and I thought we were becoming friends. Sure we don't know each other well but I like you. I'm so very sorry about Jamie, we will find out how it happened." She adds. "I'm going to miss him too." She puts her hand on my shoulder giving it a quick pat before retreating to the middle of the bunks again.
"Do you want to talk?" Sam asks. I know that talking to someone is a probably a good idea but this situation is so awkward. I'm not talking to someone I don't know.
Strongly reply "I'm fine, okay?" Starting to get defensive.
"You were really trying to hide hurting yourself. What would have happened if I hadn't of come to talk to you?"
"I dunno," shrugging. I really don't. I look at Colonel Carter and wonder if he has told her exactly what happened. This hurt is embarrassing enough without the other stuff also being spread around. Trying to remain calm I say "I just lost my head for a minute, it's passed now."
Carter looks at her watch, "I've got a meeting, it shouldn't take long, I can come back afterwards if you want?"
I nod, she exchanges a look with Sam who gives a tiny nod before she is walking out the door. After a few minutes of staring at me he gets up and sits at my feet. "So?" he says calmly.
"So what?" I reply gruffly.
"The dream root?"
"What about it? What did you tell Carter?" I snap demandingly.
"I only said to her that I was concerned you were going to harm yourself, she has no idea what I saw. I mean, how could she possibly understand that you slashed your wrist and drank your own blood, but have no visible cuts? How do you know about the root?"
"Umm umm..." Crap. What do I say? Even he won't get the blood thing. "Well the root I, ah read about somewhere. I have major trouble sleeping so thought it could help to try it out. I can't really explain my arm." Looking down at it and rubbing the forearm, thankfully my scars aren't currently visible through my navy blue skivvy.
He shakes his hand as if saying 'no'. "Don't worry you don't have to, if you don't want to. I'll understand if you do though. Now I know that you're upset but you were involved in finding Jamie. I need to know what you saw, please."
Shrug my shoulders. "Nothing. I just woke up, went for a walk and there was blood on the wall so started looking around. Ended up at the dorm with the colonel, not Carter. I couldn't go in so I yelled to wake the boys up and that's it, I ran 'cause of the blood." Embarrassed talking about blood.
"It's ok," he patted my shin gently. I can't hold it in anymore, the tears break free, he moves up the edge of the bed so he can grab my hand. Damn he must have a crick from leaning over so long. His large hands are rough but soft, a different kind of tingle shoots through my arm at the touch. His eyes are filled with sadness. I reckon I know some of his story thanks to those dumb books, so not going to let him know that though. Can't imagine what it's like being written about. Don't want to come up looking like Becky! That dumb Rosen bitch!
Once I've been able to stop and wiped away the tears I tell him "You can go now, I'm fine. I'll just try sleep until Tapping gets back. Don't look at me like that - rootless I promise. I'll be okay." giving the Girl Guide promise sign.
I lie back down on my side facing the wall, burying my face into my pillow to stifle the sobs. Sam gets up and moves to the chair at the end of the other bunk and I see in the mirror at the end of my bed that he gets out a tatty brown journal - oh my god is that IT? So he is here hunting?
Don't think about that! I'm so exhausted need to rest; not start jumping to monster conclusions! He could just be caring, he's that kind of person even after what he's been through. Great, now I'm pitying him; bet he doesn't want that either. Just close your eyes and try not to think about crap.
Next thing I know Sam is shaking me awake; "Sorry you were crying out, it's okay."
He's grabbing my hands in his, kneeling next to the bed. Caresses my forehead, tucking some stray hairs off my face, behind my ear. "You're okay," he says soothingly.
"Sorry, thanks." Sobbing a little, having some difficulty breathing normally.
"It's alright." His sympathetic tone helps me calm down a little.
"Has Tapping been back?"
"Not yet, I'm sure she won't be much longer."
My breathing is slowly back under control. Still at a loss what to say, I don't want to know if he's on a hunt. Damn he's so hot, so gentle. Those deep hazel eyes, that flowing mane of soft brown hair. I can't stop staring.
Well, this isn't awkward at all! Inwardly rolling my eyes. There's a light knock on the door, Carter's back - more awkward, Sam gets up. "You okay now?"
"Told you I'm fine! Just go." Smiling at him shyly. Colonel Carter sits down at the head of the opposite bunk while Sam picks his jacket up off his chair and leaves.
"Sam, no one out there knows anything?" I plead with her.
"No. They know your grieving, that's all. How are you feeling?" Shrug. "Wanna talk?"
"Why?" I mutter.
"You're hurting; and a complete stranger became worried about you as soon as he got here and it seems he was on the right track?"
Reluctantly I admit it. "Yes. I guess I was going to try, I dunno something. I feel like I'm cursed and have to punish myself somehow. I felt like I was going to explode. Think I'm all cried out for now though. So what now? You gonna watch me 24/7?" Pause to take in a deep breath. "How's Moira doing?"
"She's okay, considering. I don't think you need to be watched but I'm your friend I want to keep an eye out. You're not cursed." Try to smile at her, my stupid heart's beating like crazy. The silence is seriously uncomfortable, I'm sure she can hear it.
"Thank you. You don't have to stay with me, I'm pretty sure you have better things to do than babysit a crazy civilian."
"Maybe you'll feel better after a shower? And you're not crazy, you are a lovely person going through a tough time. One who needs a friend, which I am. Okay?"
How much more embarrassed can I get? I need to get out. Now. A shower it is then. "I guess you're right, about the shower."
Slowly get up, stretch a little and grab my bathroom bag and towel out of my bag; head to the cute blue private bathroom two doors down, lock the door, leaning my back against it for a minute.
Deep breathing techniques as I turn on the water, get ready and carefully climb into the bath. Quickly do my hair, then get start to get a little dizzy so slowly run the puff over my body, put in the plug sit down under the running water, placing my head between my knees trying to breathe evenly.
Geez this is ridiculous. I know it's not just Jamie, it's the others as well. As much as I want to ignore it Sam must be here on a case. Why else would he have followed me, or even be here in the first place, asking me about it. What could possibly be here? Shit I don't wanna know! This is absolute crap.
Staring at my arm, I could do it again. Go hide out somewhere with the root. I need the release but don't want anyone stopping me again; it's only a dream no one needs to know and I'll be fine once I can do that, I'm sure of it.
Guess I've been lost in my head because now the water is cold, and Tapping is standing there with the plug in her hand. She turns off the water and wraps the towel around me. Well obviously locked doors are no barrier around here, gonna have to think harder about a place to hide.
She's rubbing my back. I'm shaking but don't feel the cold like I'm numb, don't even care that I'm a naked mess. Wrapped in an awkward hug since I'm still sitting in the bath having trouble standing. Sam's trying to help me stand while holding the towel up, helps me out and pulls me into a proper hug still rubbing back. Not good with silences and what am I supposed to say? I've been trying to convince them I'm fine; though having her so close is bringing me out of the fog I've been in.
Look up at her, "how many times am I going to have to thank you?" trying to smile, giving a nervous giggle.
Damn she is hot, so sweet and caring. I can dream, and even if she could be interested… with how I've been today, hell what does she think of me? The same goes for Sam. I'm a total freak.
"You don't have to thank me Grace. I told you that I'll look out for you. Now you should get dressed before you catch cold, you're still shaking like a leaf."
She turns her back to give me some privacy. While I finish drying myself off, can't stop thinking about just grabbing her and kissing her but way too chicken. I get dressed, needing to change what I'm thinking - wondering where abouts I can hide. Can't think of anywhere at camp looks like I'll have to leave, feel sick thinking about it, the unknown, no plans, but don't feel like going home either.
"Hey umm Tapping. Sorry for being such a headcase; I should be used to grief by now."
"I know you didn't know him long but I know how close you both were. I would be more worried if you weren't reacting especially since you're not military, not trained with how to handle death. I really don't think you should be alone in your dorm tonight either."
"Fair enough but aren't you on duty tonight? Haven't you noticed I have no other friends here with Jamie gone." Picking up my stuff and go back to the dorm, chuck my things under the bed and sit on the edge.
"Well let's start with you eating some dinner, I know that you haven't eaten all day; you haven't even touched your favourite slice." I stare at her. "I saw it in your bag when you grabbed out your shower things."
"Alright, let's go."
Force something down, taking no notice of what goes in my mouth, just whatever she puts in front of me. I just want to get out of here.
