Chapter Two: Villains
Ellie leaves pieces of herself behind in the places she's been like bread crumbs. She's slowly crumbling from the inside out. She's afraid of smiling sometimes because it could crack apart her face and then there really would be nothing left, would there?
There is something dead lying in the street and the crows are picking at it from afar. She watches them stock-still like a statue. Sometimes she remembers and other times she pretends. The pretending is all she has now.
She pulled a crumbled piece of paper out of her backpack and straightened it in her fingers. It was her list. Their list. Some were names and others were just descriptions. She stared at the letters on the page until they began to seem unreadable. She read the next thing on the list like they were going shopping, "The bald man." Joel walked ahead of her without a word, holding the strap of his green tattered backpack. She watched him walk past the carcass and the birds didn't even flinch at his presence. She closes her eyes tight. The daylight seemed false against her face. It didn't seem to warm her like it used to. She used to love the sun.
Ahead of them was a partially destroyed town hall where a plane had crashed into it. The tail stuck out with vines crisscrossing it as if the earth was holding it in place. She listens closely to their boots crunching as they amble on. Her words tumble out of her, "I should have never—" He interrupts with a quick, "Ellie.." and holds up his hand. He didn't want to talk about it and neither did she but these thoughts kept swirling around her head. She had to let some of them out before she drowned. She pushes on, finishing her sentence, "I should have never left."
Once upon a time she had been willing to die for a cause. She had been willing to die so that the world could finally start to heal. She was so angry those years ago at Joel for taking that away and changing her fate. She was so angry. Now she feels nothing for the Fireflies. Nothing for Marlene. Nothing much for this world she so desperately wanted to save once. Once upon a time.
She bit into the apple she had been holding only to find it was rotten. She tossed it into the dirt beside a decade old trash pile. One town over was burning. "Another town." Joel comments out of the silence. It scares her sometimes because she's gotten so used to the quiet.
Another town. Another. Jackson was a town too in its way. It was.
That year on the road with Joel was the most brutal and beautiful part of her life. She wouldn't change it even if the dead still followed her.
Even if…
She was shaking again from the adrenaline. This time the blood speckled patterns across her lower arms like a map. Her map. The bald man was a mess on the floor and his blood moved down her blade until it stained itself on the eroding wood.
It shouldn't be so easy to hate. It really shouldn't. It's what keeps her walking, breathing, being. She needs it more than the next can of beans or that precious sip of water. Without it, she would just disappear and no one would know. No one would know all the people that once mattered to her, no one would know how hard they fought, no one would know how they tried to save the world. She almost feels like laughing but she's not sure the dead man in front of her would appreciate it much. So, she presses her finger to her lips to quiet herself and she knows when she pulls her hand away, her face would be smeared with red.
"Ellie!" Joel calls but it's muffled. "Did you hear me?"
She shakes her head and he sighs, "We should get a move on." She turns her head to look over at Joel and the way he's standing, looking serious, concerned. He is very much like Joel but if she's honest, he's like a mirage. An image left over that burned its way into her heart. She can tell by the way he's looking at her that she must look terrible. He was worried.
Something was wrong. Something was really wrong.
She squinted when it grew brighter inside. There was something menacing about the light. She suddenly didn't want it in here with them anymore. As if the light was a third person, an entity of some kind. She wanted to scream, so she does. She screams so loud until she can hear the clickers replying with their wails of anguish. Joel at that point grabs her shoulders and gently tugs her outside with him. She goes willingly. "I told you, you ain't been sleepin' right." Joel supplies. This was his explanation for her behavior, lack of sleep. If she could just close her eyes and rest then she would wake up refreshed. She would wake up fourteen years old again and reading 'No Pun Intended'
'A book just fell on my head, I only have my shelf to blame.'
Isn't that something. All she needed to do was sleep and this fucking nightmare would be over. So, she does just that. She rolls out her sleeping bag against a crumbling brick wall as Joel starts a fire. She watches the flames dance between her and him. He seemed so far away.
She dreams. Of course she does.
Gunshots.
They're muffled but she can tell they are loud wherever they are coming from. When she opened her eyes, she was standing at the gates of Jackson.
No. No. No. She can't do this again. Not this.
There's smoke collecting in the sky and ash in the air. It falls ever so gently on the tip of her nose like a snowflake. She forces her eyes closed and the gunshots cease. It was so quiet now. The kind of silent that your ears create sound to avoid.
"I got you." She hears in Joel's voice. It was soothing, it was relieving, it was familiar.
"Swear to me."
"…I swear"
Her eyes snap open. It wasn't a gentle, sleepy wake up. She was just….awake as if she never slept. It was still dark outside but as usual there were no stars to greet her from above. The fire was still crackling. She would guess she only fell asleep for no longer than an hour or two. She moves to her side and sees Joel still sitting there, poking at the fire with a stick.
There was the vicious hope that no matter how bad things got they would right themselves into some disturbing balance. A disturbing kind of balance that she could get used to. Wasn't that better than always listening for the screams? Whether they were real or not.
"You're gonna have to eat something, Ellie." Joel says, quietly. He holds out a can of beans to her. He's wearing a dusty blue shirt that tends to look cleaner than some of the others. She wasn't hungry but she took the can from him anyway. She grips the spoon and observes, "You look tired."
"I'm fine." Is all he says and he watches, nodding at the can of beans. She eats the entirety of the can and Joel looks pleased. His face was aglow from the firelight and she tries to pretend this was years ago. She tries to pretend they never left Jackson to look for the Fireflies. That winter would have never existed and this…whatever this is…would never have come to be.
"The bald man." Ellie states and Joel doesn't look at her, just digs at his can of beans like it's casual conversation. In a way, it was. Killing was part of who they were. Joel chews, "He told us nothin' because you didn't give him the chance to." He sets the empty can down and wipes his mouth.
"He wouldn't have said anything. Either we find them on our own or not at all."
Joel eyes her and leans back, tying his shoe. She could pull out the list of names and descriptions to get on with their agenda but she already knew who was next and she knew Joel did too. There was nothing left to do but continue to carve their path until there was nothing left to carve. A clicker spasms its way out of the woods and Joel stands, smoothly. His handgun already pointed and fires twice, sending it back to the earth.
Ellie wonders about the heroes from the comics she used to read. She wonders if she'd be the villain or the monster at the end of the book. They all must start somewhere.
