It was dark in his room. He didn't care to turn on a light and since the deep inky blackness had started to consume him he wasn't afraid of the dark. Why fear what was becoming you? The thoughts in his head were driving him mad and keeping him from sleep. He tossed for a while getting tangled in his sheets and getting frustrated. He yelled out to try and ease the emotions but it left his throat raw and hadn't helped the mood at all. He checked his phone to see the time. Two a.m. he wondered if it would be too much of an intrusion to call Rossi, take him up on his offer. With a sigh he hit the speed dial number but hesitated over the send button.
"Dave," Spencer whispered into the phone.
"I'll be there in twenty. Unlock the door for me in case you fall asleep," Rossi said hanging up.
If Rossi had stayed on the phone longer he would have heard Spencer's acerbic laugh. There was no way Spencer would fall asleep. He was too lost and emotional to get enough control of himself. Weakness made him feel uneasy but that's all he'd been feeling. If he weren't worried about his team's reactions he probably would have quit and found a more suitable job. He'd always thought he's make a good librarian. Maybe open his own book shop or write like Rossi did. But he knew he could never give up his family. They had all been through so much together for him to abandon them.
The loss in Spencer's voice from that single word, his name, had told him everything. He knew why Spencer was hurting and also knew he could relate to the man. Heartbreak did things to the mind that the body couldn't stop and without the mind working at full capacity the body tended to fall off by the way side.
Rossi let himself into the unlocked apartment and made sure to lock all the locks before venturing into the apartment. He heard the bed moving as Spencer tossed trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. With a soft smile Rossi knocked on the door before stepping in.
"You're going to get yourself all worked up and you'll never get to sleep," he said.
"I can't sleep as it is so what does it matter?" Spencer sighed brokenly.
Spencer felt the bed dip and watched as the older man climbed in and under the covers. He opened his arms and Spencer gladly let himself be pulled into the embrace.
"I know you feel like it's the end Spencer, but it's not. Things will get better and before you know it all this pain will be nothing. It'll be a scar on the inside that will remind you to feel," Rossi said.
Spencer rested his head on Rossi's chest and listened to the older man's breathing as he slowly drifted to sleep. Not long after Rossi was asleep as well. When they woke in the morning Spencer wasn't sure what to do. He was wrapped around and by Rossi so moving would have jarred the other man, which he didn't want to do after all he'd done.
"If you want to move I'm awake Spencer," Rossi said quietly.
"Do you mind if we just stay like this?" Spencer asked closing his eyes even though Rossi couldn't see his face.
"That's fine but I'd like to use the bathroom first if that's alright," Rossi said.
Spencer nodded and they both got up to use the bathroom. Rossi went to the guest bathroom and walked back into the bedroom to see Spencer standing by his window with his head lowered. Sorrow tore through him at recognition of the stance. The young genius was broken and couldn't see himself ever being whole again. It brought a pain to Rossi's heart and determination to prove Spencer was worth life. If it was the last thing he did he would show Spencer the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't always a train waiting to destroy him.
"I think we should talk Spencer," Rossi said sitting down on the bed.
Spencer turned to the older man with unshed tears in his eyes. Rossi opened his arms and Spencer fell into them again curling his body as tightly as he could in Rossi's grasp. If he were a weaker man the tears would have fallen. He was trying to get control of himself when Rossi entered and he would have been able to look forlorn if it weren't for the damned tears in his eyes. Slowly Rossi ran his hand up and down Spencer's back in a reassuring gesture.
"Thank you for being here for me," Spencer murmured.
"You have nothing to thank me for. I told you I'd be here for you. This is a hard time for you and I know what you are feeling. I may not know how you're feeling them, but I've gone through this and I know you need someone to understand," Rossi disclosed.
"I don't want to complicate things Dave, but you're the one I want here," Spencer confessed.
"Well then I guess it's a good thing I'm the only one I would let be here," Rossi divulged.
They were silent for a while just being with each other. Their confessions hung fresh in the air but Spencer wasn't willing to ask further what Rossi meant nor was he willing to lay himself down on the train tracks. Rossi was waiting for Spencer to continue, he was there for the younger man and didn't want to overstay his welcome by continuing a subject the younger didn't want to discuss.
"I don't know how to live," Spencer finally broke the silence.
"Seems like you're doing a good enough job now," Rossi confirmed.
"When it comes to books and math and science I'm great but when life happens I'm lost. I don't know what to do with all the emotions I'm feeling and I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know what I need help with. Sure I'm sad and lost and lonely and broken but that's the surface. Underneath is something else that even I can't describe but I don't want it there. I feel like I don't know what I want and can't identify what I need," Spencer talked.
"Desolation," Rossi offered.
"That's as good a word as any. It's swallowing me and every time I think I've gotten free I find out that it's got me by the foot and is sucking me back in. Like a big black tar pit just wearing me out until I've got no energy left to fight it as it pulls me under. How do I stop it?" Spencer almost begged for an answer.
"Someone throws you a lifeline and cling to it like nothing else is ever going to come for you. I was in your shoes once Spencer, and if I hadn't had someone there to pull me out we wouldn't be having this conversation today. I'd be burnt out, lying drunk or dead in a ditch. I can be your lifeline if you let me. I can show you what it feels like to live again. Only if you want me," Rossi offered.
Spencer let the older man go and scooted away to get a look at him. He understood the undertones of the statement but wasn't exactly sure he could figure the rest of it out. Maybe he was over analyzing things. There had been an obvious affinity between the two of them but he was bringing it up at a time when Spencer was most broken. It was a perplexing idea that and he had to know why then, and what the catch was.
"I don't think I understand what you're implying," Spencer said with downcast eyes, "I don't have anything of value to offer."
"I'm not asking for anything in return Spencer. All I want is to be the one that's there for you. This is a tough time for you and I expect nothing you aren't willing to give, I won't ask or take more than what it is. But I want a chance," Rossi explained.
"Why?"
"There doesn't always have to be a reason. Sometimes people do things just because they can or want to."
It was enough for Spencer. He had a hard time believing that Rossi would stay through the turbulence but also had no reason to believe he wouldn't.
