It's nothing big really; all I did was just run away from home and faked amnesia.
Nothing much, right?
Okay, so I was mistaken on that part.
Apparently it is something big; what I've done. But I have a reason for it! And that reason is valid…isn't it?
I mean, come on! Everybody wants to live their life to the fullest right? And this is my way of being able to do so!
No? Well, you wouldn't understand if I don't start from the beginning… Not the very beginning though, I meant somewhere in the middle. Well, not exactly in the middle either…
You know what? Let's just start the story.
All My Heart
A Super Junior Fanfiction
Beta-ed by eternalsnow-chrys
Chapter 1
Dilla Syahdin
All I could see was the color white.
The walls are white, the floors are white, and obviously, the ceiling is white too.
Did I end up in a mental asylum by any chance? And what is with this head-splitting headache I'm having? I've never gotten a hangover before, but I suppose this is what it must feel like—if not worse.
The headache's not the worst part though; it's the numbness that's killing me. My whole body feels numb, as if I had just been given a lifetime dose of anesthetics. Not only was my head still throbbing painfully, but it also felt heavy and… for a lack of proper words; numb.
I couldn't feel my arms, and that scared me a lot. I tried lifting my right arm in front of my face and was relieved to see that it was still perfectly intact. Although I was a bit peeved to see a transparent wire of some sort sticking out of my wrist.
And then it finally hit me! I was in a hospital.
The memories prior to my accident hit me like a ton of bricks, making the throbbing of my head worse even worse by the second. I actually did it; I ran away from home—well, the hotel my family was staying at. But there's not much of a difference… However, up until now, my family hadn't searched for me— if they did, they would've been here in my hospital ward by now, wouldn't they? Maybe they really did hate me? I mean, I'm in Seoul, far away from home. They wouldn't leave me here for real, would they?
I found myself having some difficulty in believing in the fact that I did it; I ran away from home. Never before had I attempted something as extreme as this, and to think that I actually succeeded. It was definitely something, alright.
I am, in a way, proud of myself for finally having the courage to do it. But the questions that were better left unanswered kept popping up in my mind; did my parents even tried looking for me? Are they worrying about me at the moment? Did they notice that I left? No, perhaps the right best question would be; do they even care?
On the other hand, I feel disgusted at myself. Was my life back then so terrible that I had to run away? For some reason, the thought of it made me sick. It's like I couldn't even face a challenge in my life and decided to run from it, and worst of all; it's all true. I ran away because I couldn't take it anymore, but never, not even once, had I tried to fight back.
Was I really that pathetic that I had to resort to running away? I honestly feel like a coward.
But then again, if I hadn't run away, I'd still be stuck in that madhouse, wondering to myself; when will my life begin? That would be even worse, wouldn't it?
Ah, why should I even try to justify my actions? It's not like I could rewind time and re-do everything. And what's done is done. It would be pointless to regret since I decided everything on my own, so there'll be no one but myself to blame if everything doesn't work out.
Now that I'm here, I might as well make the best of it. After all, it's not like I have the power to rewind time at will or something supernatural like that—of course, it would be awesome if I could, but the reality is, I don't.
Ah, I should really stop thinking in circles. It's doing nothing but worsening my already unbearable headache.
"—Concussion to the head," An unfamiliar voice spoke just outside of my room's door—effectively breaking my unwanted train of thoughts. It sounded so professional-like, but I couldn't be too sure either. For all I know, I could be hearing things.
"A concussion?" another voice piped in. I can't be imagining this, could I? It must be real. If it wasn't for the throbbing head and the feeling of numbness, I probably could have accurately guessed who was the one speaking by now.
"Yes, we won't know how extensive the damage is to the patient until she wakes up," the professional-like voice spoke. I could barely hear the footsteps, but it was getting louder by the second—although not as loud as I'd like it to be. "It's not a very serious concussion according to the x-ray. But her hippocampus was shaken by the concussion, so the worst thing that could happen to her is amnesia."
Amnesia?
By now I was 90% sure that it was a doctor talking just outside my door. Only a doctor would explain in such scientific details without flaw. But that's not what attracted my attention, no, not at all.
It was the word 'amnesia'.
As far as I know, amnesia means having the brain unable to recall past events and/or unable to record new information—or something complicated like that. The thought of having amnesia interested me somehow. I felt as though I could start anew by having the condition. But sadly, I don't. I could still remember past events clearly, and although my head is pounding like crazy, I could still record new information—like what I've been thinking about the past few minutes.
But nobody said that I couldn't feign it, right?
This probably doesn't make much sense, cause heck, I don't even understand it myself. But that's what life's all about, isn't it? Making choices, even if we're not sure where that choice would lead us to.
I don't know what crazy stunts I'd have to pull in the future, but I'm hoping that it'll be worth the trouble. Experiencing crazy things, doing the impossible, breaking the rules; that's what I've been waiting for my whole life. Now that I'm free to make my own decisions, my actions are justified, aren't they?
Ah, I really have to get rid of this nasty habit; cooking up reasons and excuses for whatever I'm about to do. I definitely think too much, and people say that thinking too much isn't good. They're probably right.
I was, again, interrupted from my train of thoughts by by the sound of my room door opening. A man draped in a white lab coat with a board in hand—who I suppose is the doctor—entered, followed by a slightly shorter, bespectacled man with a messily-styled hair. I eyed the both of them curiously—what? I can't help myself. When all you can see is white, a new view is surprisingly breathtaking.
"Ah, you're already awake?" that brought my attention to the doctor's face. I nodded absentmindedly and continued to stare at the person next to him. He wasn't all that special, not at all, but he just looks important. It's not that I know him or anything, it's just that the man seems to expose this aura of superiority? I'm sorry, but I can't really explain it.
"Well, then how are you feeling?" the doctor asked, heading over to the side of my bed. He seems to be taking notes while checking the few transparent cables attached to my arms. Now that I'm aware of it, I feel uneasy…
"My head hurts," I answered truthfully, taking my eyes off the man who hasn't introduced himself? —not that the doctor did, but it's obvious that he's a doctor. "And for some reason, I also can't feel my legs." The feeling of numbness from my arms has been slowly subsiding since I've last seen them, but up until now I still couldn't feel my legs. I'm positive that I still have my legs since I could see its shape from the way my covers are draped around it, but not being able to feel it unnerves me.
"You are suffering from a minor concussion, so it would be natural for your head to hurt. I'll get you some pain killers later on," the doctor explained. "As for your legs," he hesitated, "Well, I'm not too sure if you would want to know about it right now."
"Tell me, I don't mind finding out," I answered. Truthfully, I was a bit scared by the doctor's words. But it couldn't be something serious right? I mean, it's not like my legs have been amputated or something…
"Well, we're not really sure if you're still going to be able to use your legs, since it received quite a lot of damage from the accident." The doctor explained, putting down his board and looking at me in the eye. "We can't tell for sure, yet."
I nodded, slowly taking all of the information in. Well, at least it's not amputated. The doctor's merely unsure of my condition, so that means that there's still a chance that I'll be able to recover. Yeah, there's a bright side to everything. Just look at the positive side of things.
"Also, I'd like you to meet someone," the doctor said, then gestured for the man standing in the corner of the room to come forward. "This is Mister Lee Seunghwan."
"Hello Mister Lee Seunghwan," I greeted him, raising my hand to wave. The man answered with a nod of his head.
"Do you know who he is?" the doctor asked me, gesturing to Mr. Lee Seunghwan. I answered with a simple, "No."
"Well, he's the man who—" the doctor was cut off by Mr. Lee Seungwhan who decided that he should speak at that exact moment, "I am the one responsible for your current condition."
Having the person who injured me right there should've ignited at least a small spark of, I don't know, anger maybe? But oddly, I don't feel any. I felt like there's no point to bother with things that had happened in the past, now that I'm pretending to be amnesiac. I'm not supposed to remember anything, so I shouldn't feel anger towards something that was meant to be forgotten.
"So that means?" I asked back, not really getting the point of this conversation. Don't they know better than to let the man who's responsible for someone's hospitalization into said someone's ward? It's not like I'm bothered by it though.
"Well…" the doctor started to break off the uneasy atmosphere in the room, but before he could even come up with something to say, Mr. Lee Seunghwan left my room discreetly.
"That was very polite of him," I commented dryly, not caring if I were insulting him behind his back. He should know better than to leave when a question was directed at him.
"That's just the way he is," the doctor shrugged, picking up his board and scanning through it. "Ah, let's start the check up."
"Sure," I leaned against the headboard of the bed and waited for the doctor to start his examination. Ah, now that I've thought about it, I never really knew what his name is. "Hey doctor, what's your name?"
"Me? I'm Jae Ho Jin." He answered, still scribbling something in his board. "What about you?"
What about me? What am I supposed to say? Think of something!
"Me?" I raised my eyebrows as if the thought of introducing myself never came to mind. "I'm…" I purposely trailed off at the end so that it'll seem like I'm having a hard time trying to remember—or something dramatic like that.
During school plays, I have always played the part of the antagonist. That's why I wasn't too sure about what I'm doing right now, feigning amnesia and the like. I'm not even sure that I'll be able to pull it off, since I basically know nothing about acting innocent.
Dr. Jae Ho Jin looked at the expectantly right after I trailed off at the end of my sentence. It was funny in a way, lying to a doctor, but it's not like I could blurt out, 'I'm Dilla, but don't tell anyone! I'm feigning amnesia.'
"This might sound weird," I started, "but I can't seem to remember my name."
Dr. Jae Ho Jin dropped his board in surprise. Perfect, he bought it.
"Oh my," he quickly composed himself and walked towards the door. "Wait here okay, I'm going to go and get the nurses."
It wasn't long before the doctor came back with a few nurses behind him, but during that short period of time a disturbing feeling made its way into my mind. I felt like something was very wrong, as in; wrong to the point that I'm supposed to realize it easily. But up until now, I still couldn't figure out what the problem is.
The checkup wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be. In fact, it was pretty relaxing. I guess with me being all amnesiac, they decided to take it slow so that it wouldn't scare me. But really, even if I was amnesiac, it's not like I'd be able to run off in a condition like this. I was probably having a cardboard-like, stiff expression on my face right now.
Dr. Jae Ho Jin had told me that my name is Dilla Syahdin, so it should be safe for me to mention about my name. He found out from the overcoat I was wearing; it had my name sewn into the back of the collar.
.
.
.
.
My first night in the hospital was…to be honest, dull. But I can't say that it wasn't eventful. In the afternoon, Mr. Lee Seunghwan came by and told me to sign some important-looking papers. I merely signed them without really going through the contents of the documents. Just before he left my room, he announced that from that point onwards, I would be completely under his care. In other words, I was adopted by him.
Don't ask me why, I have no idea what he was thinking about either. But now that I think about it, he's not a bad guy after all. Maybe he adopted me because he felt that the accident was partly his fault and that he should at least take responsibility for me since my parents were missing? Yeah, that's the only scenario that I could think of.
This is probably going to be fun.
Chapter 1/END
