My head still hurts from banging it the other day.
I don't know if what Monika gave me was a gift, or a final "fuck you".
I don't even know if I have any control of this twisted world.
All I know is that...
I have to try to make the most of my circumstances.
And maybe good fortune will find me.
But there is something daunting about going to school today. Something has been on my mind.
If what I think is true is real, then that means I'm the only one who knows about what might happen in the future. I'm the only one who can do something about it.
The weight of that responsibility begins to weigh down on me like a lead blanket.
I don't know anything about helping people. I don't know anything about psychology.
Just a few days ago, everything was normal and OK. Then, Sayori...
I told her all the wrong things, didn't I? That's what pushed her over the edge?
I took a deep breath. My room was quiet as the night. I looked up at my many anime posters.
How am I supposed to be able to take on this responsibility? What if I mess things up and make things even worse?
I wouldn't be able to live. I wouldn't be able to go on if anything happened to Sayori.
My hands clenched into fists.
In a heartbeat, my muscles contract and my fist pounds into the drywall.
Violently, I rip down the posters off my wall, rip them in halves, relentlessly rip them into little shreds.
I grab my drink and throw it across the room and watch as it shatters and the glass flies all over the room.
The loud explosion of glass settles into tinkering clacks and then silence.
The loudest thing in the room is my breathing as I stand, all my muscles tensed, staring at nothing as my heart beats out of my chest.
Standing there for several minutes, I wait for my heartbeat to slow down to start picking up.
I start picking up the glass pieces and tossing them into a trashcan.
I left the poster shreds on the floor for now.
I need to do something. Anything. And I'm pissed that I'm just sitting in my room right now.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The time counting down.
My eye catches a glimmer, a reflection of light under the tatters of my posters...
It's a five inch long, flat lightning-bolt shaped piece of glass that tapers into a sharp point at the end.
I look at it, intrigued.
I pick it up. I guess I missed this piece.
Before I toss it in the trash can, I catch my own reflection in the glass.
My hair is tattered. My clothes are trashy and dirty. I look like I saw a ghost, probably because I have. Multiple ghosts.
My skin is pale and my eyes watery. I place the glass on my desk next to my workspace.
I take a deep breath.
I can help them. I can do this. I can do this.
"Oh MC, you're so funny!
Did you ever consider that maybe she's just like that when you're around?"
I think I know where to start. Today, when I go to school, I'll get some help.
"By the way, MC...
Have you decided on a club to join yet?"
I'll talk to the counselor. Surely, they know what to do.
"It... hurts...
DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?"
Maybe I can rent a book about depression in the library. Surely there is something that can help me.
"The world is better off without spider lovers."
My wandering eyes catch a glimpse of themselves in the glass shard on my desk.
"She is really excitable. You should know that when she gets too excited, she goes into a corner..."
Curiosity... Gets the best of me, sometimes.
"Isn't that kinda messed up?"
I hold the impromptu knife in my hands again, turning it around and admiring the pristine reflection.
Yuri was right, there is something beautiful about it, isn't there?
And there is something to... it... isn't there?
I mean, why would she do it if not?
I unroll my left sleeve.
Ever since I was a kid, I had three freckles on my arm that make a right triangle if you were to connect them.
There is no way to know what you're experiencing is real or not.
This reality... Is just as real as the last... and the next.
Would I even feel it?
Would I even feel anything?
If this wasn't real, or if it was, I was about to find out.
Sayori dressed herself up in some casual clothes and stepped out her house at 5 AM, before the sun was fully up and before I was awake. She snuck away and began walking down the streets to the waterfront.
She sat on the edge of a unpopulated dock in contemplation.
The glory of the sunrise hit her as sunbeams hit her cheek and warmed the icy air.
On her face, a determined and thoughtful expression.
She skipped a stone, 1-2-3-4-5, down and away toward the endless ocean.
Sometimes, Sayori thought to herself, she wished she could just be swallowed up by the eternity of it all.
No one would ever find me in there, she thought. There's too much to search. It would just be me and the ocean.
It would swallow me up and keep me there. I would become part of the eternity.
I would never want to leave such a comforting embrace as the ocean.
For it has no preference, no judgment, no right or wrong, no anger or resentment.
It would take my sorrows, my angers, my joy, and wash them away.
And only when I am empty am I finally at standstill and balanced.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts
In tatters and shards upon the ocean floor.
She wouldn't be making it to school on time that day.
Some days, it was just too difficult to pretend.
At first, it felt like a light stinging sensation as I dragged the glass across my arm.
Blood followed wherever the glass tread.
My skin did put up some resistance, though, to that jagged and rough blade, and it tugged and ripped instead of slicing right...
I see why Yuri has such sharp knives.
I trace my freckles.
By the time I'm finished with my art piece, the crimson right triangle is oozing beyond what I expected.
Blood drips and stains the carpets. I can't help but crack a smile. She really rubbed off on me more than I thought, huh?
I feel... strange
The pain I felt was real.
I'm not imagining this.
And now...
I don't know how to explain what I felt.
Oh no... I let my emotions get the best of me now.
What have I done?
I get up and go wash my arm under the sink. The pink water flows down, down, down into the leaden pipes.
I didn't care that I just did that. All I cared about was saving them.
And how could I ever save them if I'm like this? I would only make things so much worse...
There is no way Yuri would trust me to help her self-harm problem if she saw this.
Maybe I should just let them be...
Maybe without Monika, things will be OK...
That day, I wore long sleeves. At least it was winter, so it doesn't matter. Sayori was no where to be found, so I just assumed she went to school without me.
I approached the door to my English classroom but hesitated.
Isn't there something I'm forgetting?
They're better of without you. Monika was what was making them that way. Without Monika, they will be happy, even without you.
Why is it that I'm... feeling this way?
I push the door open and slump in and into my chair.
Am I betraying Sayori by ignoring her?
"Don't be silly! I know you would do the same thing for me if I had a really bad dream too."
…
What kind of friend am I?
I raise my hand and ask to leave to go to the bathroom, but I take all my stuff and run out.
I had to do something. So I went with the plan.
I went to the library and got a psychology book. I was in a rush, so when I ran out the door I bumped into a small girl and her stuff fell all over the hall.
MC : "Oh god, I'm so sorry!"
That's when I saw who it was. She was short, tiny, and frail-looking, wearing the usual girl school uniform and a pink clip to match her hair and eyes. I scrambled to pick up Natsuki's things.
But she has no idea who I am.
MC : "Here, let me help you."
Natsuki : "Jeez! Watch where you are going next time, OK?"
Natsuki makes little effort to pick up her own things, and I grab it all for her and hand it to her.
Natsuki : "...Thanks."
I stand there awkwardly, unable to think of something to say to this girl who I got so close to, who doesn't even remember me...Her eyes catch the title of the book I'm holding in my hand, and I see a glimmer of something in her eyes.
MC : "Oh... Um, it's a book for my friend..."
Natsuki gives a faint smile for the first time.
I swallow. I know that I'm going to need everything I can get to help Sayori... And Natsuki is her friend, right? So she can help me!
MC : "Hey, you made the cupcakes right? Sayori told me about you."
Natsuki : "Yeah, so I did. What of it?"
MC : "Well, umm, they were really good, is all..."
I trail off. I actually didn't eat one the other day at Sayori's, I was far too upset to eat, let alone something so sweet.
Natsuki : "Of course. I'm the best baker in this school!"
MC : "Uhh, I don't doubt it." It's getting a little tiresome to hear this. "I certainly don't know how to bake."
Natsuki : "I wouldn't expect someone like you to know how to bake, don't worry."
Ouch.
MC : "Um, well, yeah- I was.. wondering..."
I spoke without really thinking, just in case this was my last chance to talk to her in a while. Even if she doesn't know me, maybe I can... try to help her, too?
MC : "You're... Kinda cute. And seem really nice."
It was difficult for me to up front. But I was tired of waiting around for something to happen.
MC : "I was wondering if you would like to hang out after school some time?"
Natsuki blushed immediately and gave me an angry once-over.
Natsuki : "N-no way! I don't even know you, you creep!"
That went about as well as I could have predicted.
How can I save this?
"Sayori talks about you more than anything else, you know.'
MC : "You mean Sayori hasn't mentioned me? I'm only her best friend, MC."
Natsuki's face relaxes a little bit, but she keeps blushing.
Natsuki : "Well, fine. Just this once. Don't think I'm doing it for you! It's for Sayori. She says a lot of nice things about you, and always wanted to introduce you."
Well, Natsuki and I are on the same page, then. I'm pretty much doing this for Sayori too.
It doesn't hurt to get close to her, too.
Oh, what am I saying? I should really focus. What has gotten into me?
I shouldn't have done that! But now I can't just stick her up. I have to go.
It's really not nice to play with girls hearts. I know from... last time, that she does like me, at least a little.
It's not fair to Sayori for me to do this, either... unless...
Maybe it really would be beneficial to know her friends. Maybe Natsuki and I can help her together?
We set up the time and day and then moved on. I played it cool until she walked around the corner, then sprinted to the counselor's office.
When I approached, my hand reached for the doorknob but was quickly blown back by the door flying open.
A girl with long purple hair, and purple eyes, came out. Her eyes were watery, her face red, and she turned and gave me one look in the eye.
"Yuri..." I wanted to say. But I can't.
She turns away and runs down the hall, without saying anything.
A conflicted feeling wells up inside of me.
I could chase after her.
Or I could try to get Sayori the help she really needs.
Yuri didn't look like she was in a good situation.
But Sayori... I know she's hiding her depression from me.
By the time I am finished thinking it through, Yuri is already down the hall and blended in with the groups of people.
I open the door.
The wait for the counselor is short.
I step inside his office. The counselor is a large, seedy man with a beard and a nice professional outfit.
C : "Hey, what can I do you for buddy?"
MC : "Hello."
I struggle with what to say. The marks on my arm are still burning.
Then, it all comes out.
MC : "I have a friend who really needs help and I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid that if I don't do something soon something bad might happen to her, and I don't know how to help her because she pushes people away, and I know she had really bad depression even though she would never tell me that, and I-"
C : "Who-okay, alright buddy. I feel for you. And you know what, we all feel a little blue sometimes."
I'm confused.
C : "Why don't you bring your friend in some time? We'd love to do what we can."
MC : "I can't do that right now. I don't even know where she is. Just please give me some help."
C : "Sure, sure. You know, I was in a real dark place myself when I was your age. My parents didn't care at all and you know, I thought about ending it. I really did. But in the end I decided that it was worth it, and I don't regret anything."
I'm getting angry now.
MC : "You're the counselor, right? So what I am asking of you is if you have any resources or help for me. She is very depressed. It isn't something she can just... get over."
C : "Listen, I do everything I can for these kids and I never get a thank you, or a yes-sir. Don't you get it? Life is difficult, son. And I can't really help her through you, now can I?"
My furrowed eyes meet a pamphlet in the corner. I reach over his desk and grab it while he sits, bewildered. I throw it in my bag. For a second, I stood near the door collecting my thoughts and honing my anger.
MC : "You... disgust me." I seethed. "I've never had the disdain of speaking with someone so revolting and useless. Firing you... would be..."
Happy thoughts in shards upon the floor.
I get up and leave without further statement. There are better uses of my time.
The second I step out and try to cool my head, I remember Yuri. I should have gone after her!
I hope it's not too late.
I sprint down the hall.
