"Can't we just sit… for a while?"
"Yeah"
Seconds turned into minutes for the two teary eyed girls. Their only connection a tiny unused cat flap in the front door. It was well over ten minutes before Emily realised that if she didn't move fast, this is how it would always stay, always close, but never near enough.
"Naomi"
"Yes?"
Her voice was raspy and made Emily shiver with anticipation.
"I…I love you"
Emily heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the door, and the warm hands that had been clasped around hers slipped away.
Too much, she thought, suddenly feeling completely exasperated, defeated, it's always too much for her.
A warm tear rolled down her cheek, and landed lightly in her lap. She didn't know why she was crying, she knew that this would happen. She knows Naomi, she knows she runs. But deep down she wanted to believe that Naomi would be there this time, that their time together had finally changed her. The realisation that she wasn't the one to change Naomi wounded her, stole her breath.
How could Emily possibly break through Naomi's thick walls she had built herself over the years, encasing her like a prison, when she was a nothing but a mere doormat? That's all she was, at the end of the day. What would Naomi Campbell want with her anyway? She'd been kidding herself, thinking that she was worthy, that she could live in Naomi's world, clutching onto the last fibres of a relationship. It was nice to be wanted by someone like Naomi. It was nice to be in love with someone you adored.
Emily groaned as she reached up to the door handle and lifted herself up, letting a small sigh escape as she let the door swing open.
A part of her still hoped Naomi would be there, with her cheeky grin and a hand held out like it was all another game for Emily to overcome – a joke to be laughed at later.
She just stood there for a while, trying not to stare at the empty space Naomi had left. She let the breeze sting her tearstained eyes, and her hair flutter around her face.
Needing to feel something other than the ache consuming her chest she eventually stepped out of the door and into the cold, closed her front door behind her and just sat. Sat in the exact same place as the girl that had held Emily's heart since the moment she saw her had fled from. She didn't care who could see her, she didn't even care if she was found by Katie or her parents, she just wanted the pain to end, and it was peaceful like that.
The silence of the night gently eased her back into her thoughts.
"Ems…Ems!"
Shaken from the daze the book spines always left her in, Emily glanced around the hoary bookcase and tried -she'd become good over the years- to bottle up the urge to tell her best friend to move her boots from the chair. Effy noticed the redheads lip quiver and smirked, she sat like this every day, sprawled across two chairs with her jacket and any book she was reading at the time thrown across the table, just to see that quiver. She didn't know why it annoyed her friend so much, they seemed to be the only two students to use the schools depleted library anyway.
"What Eff?"
"Is this book any good?" Effy regrettable pulled her gaze away from the redhead and towards the book on the table, she picked it up and held the cover towards the bookcase the other girl was half hidden behind.
Emily slipped round the bookcase to get a closer look, unhappy about her thoughts being disturbed.
Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters, Emily mused, she'd read it. Of course she had, long ago when she was first discovering herself, and thus felt compelled to get her hands on any literature that described how she felt. It was a classic, yet slightly over-rated in her opinion, she'd been disheartened by the less than fairy tale plotline. She didn't understand how two people that loved each other, and had the instant chemistry that Kitty and Nan obviously shared, couldn't be together, the whole concept seemed pedantic and inane to her, yet it happened all the time in books.
"Yeah, it's pretty good" Emily had never been one with words, she'd not once been inspired to write, much preferring to devour other peoples prose.
Effy nodded to idly herself, and continued to thumb through the pages, the other girl took this as a sign that her role in conversation was over, and wandered inattentively towards the psychology section.
They did this every Friday after school, books have always been their thing, their connection since they were kids. Effy would lounge effortlessly on the exact same table, flicking through endless books until she found one that was just right.
Libraries made Emily restless, she would always be wandering around, letting her fingers run against the books spines, if it looked interesting enough, she'd pick the odd one up. She could never fathom how Effy could sit motionlessly whilst all these books were just gathering dust, waiting to divulge their stories.
Sometimes Emily would find a phrase in a book previously highlighted, or a page corner hastily folded over. Defacing books usually frustrated most avid readers. But not Emily, she loved spotting the tiny things that made every book original, different from the thousands of mass produced copies. These little traits signified that this book had been read by a small number of people, a group of people that had shared words and adventures. Emily had spent countless hours stopping at a previously folded page, contemplating what the foldee had thought when they had paused reading. Had they imagined the same scene as her? Empathised and agonised alongside each character like her? Did this book change their life? It blew her mind. She loved people, they never failed to amaze her.
From her love of books grew her passion for psychology, the mind fascinated her. She hoped one day she might understand it, understand all the emotions her beloved characters felt, and try and make sense of it all. All of Emily's experiences were through the characters sprawled across pages, and she was happy living through them. Everything was easier that way.
As she pulled out a worn copy of 'Memories, Dreams, Reflections' a flash of blue in the gap halted her monotonous thoughts. It was the most dazzling colour she had ever witnessed, a vivid blue that Emily felt internally compelled to see again. She peered through the gap, but the owner of the eyes were nowhere in sight. Half relieved, half deflated, she exhaled a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding onto.
Suddenly her thoughts were blank, her feet moving her against her will towards where the colour may have disappeared too. Tentatively peering around a line of bookcases she saw her. Slumped against a wall, surrounded by a worryingly high pile of books was a girl. Her striking peroxide hair fell over around her face, which seemed to be engulfed in a book. Emily didn't recognise the book, she didn't recognise the girl. She would have remembered them icy blue eyes. She willed the girl to look up, a sudden desperation to see the colour again overwhelmed her chest, constricting it. The girl shuffled, and grudgingly her azure eyes were pulled away from the book and focused, bemusedly onto Emily. They paralysed her.
"Do I have something on my face?"
Emily fumbled for words, feeling more and more dorky by the second. "huh?" was all she managed to mumble.
"No? so you're just staring at me then?" The girl smirked at Emily, she hadn't expected such a smug comment from, what she assumed to be, a fellow bookworm. Her lop-sided grin effortlessly turned the girl in front of her into a swooning mess.
Lost for words, with cheeks redder than they'd ever been in her life Emily squeaked an apology and staggered off to fine Effy, blinded by flashes of blue ringing agonisingly in her head.
The sound of her own teeth chattering roused Emily from her thoughts. Part of her wanted to shut away every memory of them blue eyes she'd ever had, but a much larger, weaker part of her needed their comfort. If she squeezed her eyes shut and really concentrated, Emily could almost smell her there. Imagine her warm arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her in close, sheltering her from the breeze. The thought gave her an unsuspecting, but welcomed sense of security. So she continued to sit there, eyes closed, imagining a scenario where Naomi didn't leave, and everything ended happily, like it did in books.
A few houses away someone else was sat in their own bed, imagining a different world, one where the person they loved, would love them back.
…
"What the fuck babes"
A dishevelled Emily reluctantly opened her dreary eyes, and saw an exact replica of her standing above her. A searing pain shot through her neck, as she slowly dislodged herself from the awkward position she'd evidently fallen asleep in.
"Katie?" Barely anything more than a hoarse whisper escaped Emily's lips.
"Who the hell did you think it was? Did you sneak out? You better have shagged a fit guy else my lie to mum and dad was a complete waste" Katie moved her leopard print glasses from her head to her eyes, and stepped over Emily as if finding her sister slumped outside her front door was commonplace.
"Katie," Emily croaked "what day is it today?"
"Christ, you were pissed last night weren't you? It's Monday, so get up, because Danny won't wait for you."
Emily cursed under her breath at the sound of that name, it was her twin sisters jerk-off boyfriend, a 'footballer' for the Brighton Reserves team, because Katie only drops her knickers for the best.
"I'm not going to school today"
"Fine," The glasses hid the look of disappointment that flashed momentarily behind Katie's eyes "whatever, just don't go round to that dirty lezzas house… what's her name Noddy?"
"Naomi, Katie, you've met her loads of times, her name is Naomi"
"As long as she doesn't fuck me I don't care what her name is, okay?"
After a few attempts to lift her cramped body from the ground, Emily looked up, desperately annoyed at how self-involved her sister was
"Katie, could you by any chance give me a hand?"
Her twin let out a melodramatic sigh, as if Emily had just asked her to run a marathon. Despite her lament Katie lends a hand, eventually pulling her sister up so she can up enter the house.
The sudden warmth of the house only emphasised how cold she was, how numb she felt. She let her feet plod against the wooden floorboards as she climbed the stairs and hurriedly fell onto her bed, exhausted. She knows she should probably go to school, but the thought of facing Naomi after last night was too much for anyone to handle, and one more glance into her striking blue eyes might cause Emily to crack.
