Disclaimer: If you don't know by now then you never will. Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I'm just having fun.
CHANGE
Bella POV
I was lost. I knew that but for some reason I couldn't seem to find my way back to them. I could hear everyone talking and I could feel both Jasper and Edward's arms but nothing. I tried screaming, crying, plain old talking but nothing would come out. I even tried to talk to Edward with my mind but I couldn't get it to work. I felt Jasper trying to get me to feel anything and it worked. Unfortunately, it seemed that he couldn't tell. It was like all my emotions were locked away with me and I couldn't find the key.
So this was it. This was how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Listening to others and feeling them but not being able to share. Kinda made the last few months look like a picnic. I knew I should have stayed in Forks. I knew that coming down here and finding Edward would do nothing but cause me more pain. Oh and that was an added bonus now. I could say his name and not have to worry about falling apart because apparently I already had or at least that is what they thought.
I kept hearing things like psychotic break and mental illness. I wanted scream that I wasn't ill I was just lost somewhere inside my body. Maybe Jasper or Carlisle or whoever said it was right and I was somewhere in my mind. I couldn't tell. All I knew was that there was nothing coming out.
I felt Edward holding my hand and touching my back and I wanted to let him know that I was okay but I couldn't. On one hand I wanted to comfort him but on the other I was so mad. He did this. He walked away and left me alone AGAIN and now he wants to tell me how much he loves me? Why couldn't he have said that in the restaurant? Or better yet why did he leave in the first place? Why if he loved me so much did he leave me broken in the forest those long months ago? And then to add insult to injury he left me falling apart again in that stupid restaurant.
I wanted to kick him and tell him what an idiot he was but I still loved him. I would always love him, but I didn't know if I could forgive him. He had broken me and that was something I wasn't ready to get over. Maybe that was why I was lost. If I could move and speak then I would have to talk to him and I wasn't ready for that yet. I wasn't sure if I could ever be ready for that.
We were back in Forks now. I felt the change in temperature as soon as we landed. I knew I was being taken to Carlisle but I also wondered what they were going to tell Charlie. I knew this would be dangerous for the Cullens but they couldn't just leave me again; right? Even if Edward decided that this was too much for him they couldn't just drop me off on Charlie's door and ring the bell and take off. Charlie had known that I was with Alice and if they brought me back like this he would know something had happened.
It was strange not being about to move or speak but still feeling everything around you. It was like I was part vampire already. I was as still as they could be but feeling everything as a human with a little extra dropped in. I knew we were on the highway and I could feel the car speeding home and the trees whipping by the same as before but I could also smell the air and the fear coming off of everyone in the car. I should be worried but I wasn't. It was like nothing could hurt me anymore.
I didn't know if this made me happy or sad. After all those months of wallowing in pain and sadness I like the idea of none of that being able to reach me but I wanted my control back. I wanted to be able to move and talk and share what was going on.
I wanted to tell Alice that I didn't blame her and Jasper that I would be okay. They both had done so much for me over the last few days and they didn't deserve to think that their actions had caused any of this. Especially Jasper. Next to Rosalie he had always been the Cullen that I got along with the least. He had always been so stand offish which was only enhanced by my birthday party. But being with him this trip he had really become as much of a brother to me as Emmett. The way that he was worrying about me was so unfair.
And Alice was seemed so sad and guilty. Like I would have traded any of the last three days with her. I would even let her take me shopping again if she would just smile. I loved her so much and she had given me back a part of my life again. How in the world did she think that I could be mad at her for that?
I wanted to tell Edward that I loved him. I hated seeing him so sad and in so much pain. He needed to know that even if I couldn't forgive him or understand I at least loved him. But where did we go from there. If I couldn't forgive him then could I let myself be with him? I didn't know.
Somewhere in all of my contemplating I had ended up at the Cullen's house and in some room I had never seen hooked up to so many monitors. I had missed this house, but more so I had missed the seven people that surrounded me now. It was amazing to have them all back together. This is how they belonged. This is how we belonged.
I could hear part of the conversation and I didn't like the way things were going. Rosalie was talking mental hospital and Carlisle was pushing drugs. Neither sounded like a walk in the park but I would take the drugs over the psych ward any day. Edward was still right by my side and even though I was still mad I had to admit it felt nice; almost right in a way that nothing else ever has.
This was my family; this was home. Sure I loved Charlie and Renee and I wouldn't want to leave them but it was different here. It was like I belonged with these people. Like I had been born to live this life with them. Almost as if I would have found my way to them even if I had never moved to Forks. We were connected. Not just because of Edward but because of fate and if they could hold out then I would find a way back to them.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I was so frustrated. It had been a week and nothing. I had pushed and screamed and concentrated until my head hurt and still nothing. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, and I was fairly certain that if I had a voice I would be hoarse right now. I knew this wasn't good but I just couldn't break out of whatever hold my mind had over my body.
I was also convinced now that Carlisle had been right. I was all in my mind. I don't know if it was fear or pain that put me there but everything that I was currently resided in my head. Which only made me want to scream even more. I was surrounded by these powerful, mythical creatures one of which read minds and I couldn't even reach him. I had always loved that he couldn't read me until now. I wanted him to be able to hear me and let everyone know that I was still here. That I was still in this body. That I was quite comatose, and I was just stuck.
But no he couldn't even do that. No all Edward did was sit by my side and whisper that he loved me and that he was sorry. I got it already. I would feel better about all he had done if he would find a way to get me the hell out of this. That was what he should be doing. Research with Carlisle or making calls or something. Not sitting at my bed like I was dying and this was his last chance at penance.
I could hear the door opening and everyone gathering around me. They appeared to be arguing. I focused really hard to hear what they were saying.
"Bite her." I heard someone whisper. I thought it sounded like Jasper but I couldn't think about that because I was to surprised that I had heard him. He had to have been talking at vampire levels and still I made out the words.
It took me another minute to realize that they were talking about changing me. Would that work? I knew that Alice had been somewhat coma like before her change and she was fine now. If that would work then what was the hold up. Someone should be doing it now.
Then I heard it. Of course it would be Edward. "She doesn't deserve this."
I had almost believed him. That he loved me and that he was sorry and it had all been lies. He couldn't have meant any of it if he was willing to let me lie here in a coma, trapped in my mind for the rest of my life, rather than change me and keep me by his side for eternity. He didn't want me. It was as clear as if he had gotten up and walked out the door yet again.
Well screw him. This was about me and I didn't care if he wanted me around or not. If become immortal could make me better than there were six other vampires here that should be snacking on me right about now.
I didn't have to be with him. If he didn't want me I was sure I could find someone else that did. That guy at the restaurant had seemed interested and what about the airline steward. Both of them had flirted with me. Not to mention dear old Mike. He would do anything if I would give him a chance. No, I didn't have to bind myself to Edward for all eternity. As Alice had said there were other fish in the sea.
But how would that work? I would be a blood crazed vampire. I didn't know anything about when you were first changed but I knew that it took awhile for you to be able to be around humans without attacking them. Just look at Jasper. It had been like fifty years and he was still struggling. So I would have to be around Edward for awhile. That didn't seem fair. He didn't want me and I was stuck being with him.
Unless? Was there a way to hold on to some of my humanity? Could I retain enough to be able to see Charlie and live on my own? Carlisle had brought his compassion and Esme her love. Those weren't big powers like Edward, Alice and Jasper but if I could keep the bloodlust down then maybe I could be free to do as I please and not be a burden to the Cullens.
How would I do it? Was it just a matter of concentrating? Could I lock that part of myself up in my mind and let the rest out? I had to try. I had to do something and this seemed like the best idea so far.
I laid there preparing for the pain. I knew from my previous experience with James that this wasn't going to be pleasant but I could make it through. I just had to concentrate on my human traits and focus on keeping those in my mind while finding a way out.
I felt Edward kissing me. His lips were everywhere on my face and my lips. I heard him whispering I love you over and over again and my heart so wanted to believe him. My head turned and his lips where right near on my neck. I felt more than heard is plea for forgiveness and then his teeth. If it hadn't been for the pain I would have thought it was another kiss but the searing warm began to spread. It wasn't as bad as the last time. This felt more like being submerged in a slightly over heated bath. After everything it actually felt quite nice.
That was until the warm turned painful. Until it began to spread faster than before. Suddenly my body was on hot coals. I could finally move. I felt my voice coming back. I sat up as fast as I could as opened my eyes for the first time since Brazil. They were all there staring at me. Alice and Emmett smiling nervously, Jasper and Carlisle worried, Esme looked as if she wanted to wrap me in her arms, Rosalie actually looked like she felt sorry for me, and Edward. Edward was crumbled on the floor, his body shaking as if he was sobbing at what he had done. He still didn't want me. It was so obvious even now. I could contain it any longer. I let all of my frustration drain out of me in one life changing scream and then I collapsed and closed my eyes concentrating as hard as I could on keeping as much humanity as I could.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Three days. Three days of unimaginable torture and pain and it still wasn't done. I knew it should be soon. I could feel my body changing. I felt my mind expanding and the fire was slowly dying out. I held still and quiet the whole time. It was too hard to try and speak while concentrating on all that I had been.
Edward stayed with me whether out of guilt or remorse I wasn't sure but it did feel nice to have his cold hand wrapped up with my fire ridden one. Before I would have wanted to talk to him. To comfort him in some way and a part of me still did but I could bring myself to do it. I had seen how he felt and I knew that the only way to make things better was for me to be able to leave as soon as I possibly could.
Just when I thought the pain was almost over the fire roared back to life. Pushing its way through my body at record speed. I heard someone say that it was almost time and I could only pray that they meant that it was almost time for me to come out of this but I couldn't be sure. I couldn't think of anything but the pain and my humanity.
I chanted it to myself over and over again in those last moments. Begging myself to hold on. To retain as much as possible. I lost hold on my concentration when I felt my heart slam against my ribs and begin to pump its way out of my chest. This was what I had asked for? This was what I had wanted? In these last what I hoped would be final minutes it didn't seem likely. This couldn't have been what I had meant. Edward and Alice had told me about the pain but I hadn't listened. I guess this is what I get.
But as soon as I was sure that I my body would give out and burn away to ash it stopped. Not just the fire but everything. The pain, the torment, the feeling of being lost, not being able to move, my heartbeat. It all just stopped. It was done. I was changed. I could still feel Edward touching me but it felt different. I also felt everyone else around me. I could distinguish who was were and all their different breathing. I could hear the forest and the highway down the street. I still felt like me but so much more.
"Bella?" Edward couldn't have spoken. It was to soft but yet and still I heard it. He sounded so worried; so concerned. He sounded lost.
I opened my eyes and looked around. Everything was brighter, clearer but it felt all the same. It felt as it should be, like this was how it had always been and I hadn't seen it. And the only thing I could think of was "welcome to the new world'.
AN: I hope you like it. I thought wasn't going to post yet but I got 11 reviews for just the prologue so I figured that I had to give you guys something. I can't wait to hear what you think and for any newbie's welcome and don't forget to review. See ya next chapter.
Don't make me blue; please review (think we could get to 30).
