A Letter from the Author:
You should probably be informed that the story you've been reading has been rated "NC-17" by the MPAA for the following reasons:
Obnoxious and unnecessary profanity
Implied violence
At least two scenes where a fruit basket features prominently
Actual violence used to imply violence
Repeated use of the word "certainly"
Little-to-no adherence to any basic constructs of plot, characterization, or thematic overture
Willful misuse of dimensional transfer technology
A Shameless absence of Consistency
And worst of all: A single reference to Bill O'Reilly
Fortunately, since this isn't a movie, I guess you'll just have to read this anyways.
Sincerely,
Xirema the Insane
Haruhi collapsed onto the bed and took the wig off. She managed to doze off for all of ten seconds before she heard a familiar voice.
"HAAAAAAA-RUUUUUUUUU-HIIIIIIIIIII!"
She barely had time to get up and look around before she was tackled by her husband, sans clothes, to the ground. Tamaki grinned as he slid his arms around her and nestled his head next to hers. "So honey, how was work today?"
"I see you've decided to forgo your clothes for the day," Haruhi deadpanned with a blank, cheerful expression on her face.
"That's right!" Tamaki shouted, standing up suddenly. "Clothes are for squares, Haruhi! And we shall not be a family of Squares, no sir! WE shall be a family of CIRCLES!"
Haruhi sat upright and stared at him. "So Circles don't wear clothes then?"
"Only on Thursdays, Haruhi! Or Fridays. Or any day that isn't Thursday or Friday."
"So what you're telling me is that you forgot to put on clothes today."
Tamaki suddenly developed a serious look on his face. "Not exactly. For you see, Haruhi, it was not by MY choice that I would not be wearing clothes today!"
Haruhi grinned and leaned back. "And why is that?"
"Because…" Tamaki leaned down to her and began to look around suspiciously. "I have discovered a shocking secret! The reason I can't wear my clothes today is that all my underwear has been stolen!"
"So why not just wear normal clothes without underwear?"
"Ugh, because… Be… Because then my clothes would be underwear, and I'd be out in the streets in my underwear! But never mind that, that's not what's important!"
"I bet."
"You see, I know WHO has been stealing my underwear! You might think I'm crazy, but this is the most sane part!"
"Really." Haruhi stood up and walked to her clothes heap. "Continue."
"My underwear has been stolen… BY THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES!"
"That sounds terrible."
"It is!"
Haruhi picked out a well-worn pair of her own panties. "Here, put these on, put some trousers on, and let's eat. Did you prepare any dinner?"
"Wha—I can't wear those! I won't fit!"
Haruhi slapped them against his chest, snickering and saying quietly, "I don't think you'll have that much trouble fitting."
"So my day pretty much sucked."
Tamaki set his chopsticks down.
"Get this. My first client is some big shot criminal who goes by "Hannibal Lector." Not one person I've asked who worked with him thinks he's guilty, and he pretty much said so himself when I asked him. And somehow I have to prove him innocent."
Tamaki leaned back. "That sucks."
"I have to wear a wig and insist my name is Patricia Martin. It's like some kind of nightmare!"
Tamaki tapped his plate a few times with his chopsticks. "How much are you getting paid?"
Haruhi sighed. "Enough to pave the way for our hypothetical child all the way to college. That's how much."
Tamaki set his food down and crawled around to put his arms around Haruhi. "You know, my family might be doing better. I know how badly you wanted to follow like your mother, but is this really what she would have wanted? For you to be doing a job you don't like just for the money?"
Haruhi sighed and rested her head against his. "I don't know. It would feel really messed up if I took money from your family though, like I hadn't actually earned it. I wish I could ask my mother what she thought of all this. Like, maybe she faced a decision like this."
Tamaki reached across their placements and grabbed his food before Antoinette managed to steal it. "What was the most important thing to your mother?"
Haruhi thought for a moment. "Family."
Tamaki smiled. "So what do you think she would say?"
Haruhi averted her eyes. "She'd tell me that it'll all be worth it, for the future I'll secure for our child. Maybe."
Tamaki took a few bites of his food, keeping one arm around Haruhi.
Haruhi looked at him, and at his exposed chest. "How on earth do you stay fit like that?"
Tamaki grinned. "Well, I have a lot of time, don't I?"
Haruhi poked at Tamaki's abs. "And here I am, all squishy and weak."
"That just makes you more fun, my little buttercup."
They poked and prodded each other playfully for a moment, before Haruhi allowed herself to fall on top of him. But just as quickly as she became amorous, she suddenly felt like her whole body was freezing cold. "Oh god."
Tamaki frowned, noticing the sudden change in her body language. "What is it?"
"I just thought about this jerk that heckled me on the train home. Some reporter for the Prefecture Local News."
"The station we never watch?"
"I don't care who he worked for, he was a creep! He kept asking me all these invasive questions about the case. It's almost like he was trying to convince me to abandon the case."
Tamaki's eyes widened. "Wow."
"The worst part was his first question, it was like…" Haruhi directed her gaze away from Tamaki's eyes. "It was like he was trying to flirt with me or something."
The change in Tamaki was instantaneous and drastic. He stood up, his food bowl flying to the ground. "WHO THE HELL WAS THIS BASTARD?"
Haruhi thought for a moment. "I think… His name was Light."
Antoinette dashed for the food Tamaki had discarded and began to lap it up intensely.
Tamaki stared at her. "What was the son of a bitch's last name?"
"Um…" She thought for a moment before she remembered. "Oh yeah. It was Yagami. Light Yagami."
Tamaki stared at her for a few seconds. Then, all of a sudden, his eyes glazed over. Then, he grasped his head. "Ow, I think…" There was a sensation within his head of a powerful pulse, like a single heartbeat. "You said… What's…" He fell to his knees, clutching his head.
"Tamaki!" Haruhi rushed to him.
Without warning, Tamaki began to scream.
Haruhi's eyes bulged from their eye sockets as she began to panic, wondering what was happening.
But as quickly as it began, it stopped, and Tamaki relaxed, panting quickly and coarsely.
"Tamaki! Tamaki, darling, are you okay?"
Tamaki grasped his head for a few moments, before a look of horror spread across his face. "Haruhi…"
"What?"
He grasped her around her shoulders, and she noticed that his eyes were watering up. "Haruhi… Please tell me he doesn't know your name."
"What? I don't…"
"PLEASE! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM YOUR NAME!" He looked hysterical.
"I… My boss told me to use a pseudonym, so I told him that. Is that okay?"
Tamaki's horror began to break into a relieved grin. "Oh." He grabbed her and squeezed her against his chest, laugh-sobbing against her.
"Ack! Tamaki… You're crushing me…"
He slowly eased his grip on her, but maintained its duration. "Thank god…"
"Tamaki, I'm glad you're so affectionate, but what's the matter? You're freaking me out."
Tamaki let go of her and his look of horror reappeared on his face. "Oh no. Oh no. No, no no no no no no no no no no no this is really bad this is really bad this is really bad..."
Haruhi stared bewildered at him.
"That means… That means he's going to come here, and he's going to figure out who you really are, and he's going to kill you, and then he'll kill me, and we're doomed, and oh god oh god oh god oh god—"
Haruhi slapped him across the face. "Tamaki! Snap out of it! What are you babbling about?"
"Haruhi, I know we've only had five years together, but I just want you to know, they've been the best years of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, I love you, and I—"
SLAP! "TAMAKI! Stop freaking out, and explain to me what the hell is the matter with you!"
Tamaki stared at her for a moment, and then bolted up and began closing curtains. "I saw something, Haruhi."
"What?"
Once all the curtains had been closed, and the room became very dark, except for a single light from the candle sitting on their counter, Tamaki approached Haruhi. "Or, I guess… I don't know what it was. But… When you said his name. Light Yagami. I… There was like this burst of color and sound. I don't know what it was."
Haruhi stared at him in disbelief. "What are you talking about?"
He sighed. "Okay. I think… I think… Yeah. That's it. That has to be it. I think I know what has happened."
Haruhi nodded, indicating that he should proceed.
"You see, when you mentioned his name, I had this burst of knowledge, and now, I know everything about him."
"What?"
"I…" Tamaki smiled. "It was like watching a biopic of his life, really really fast, only I managed to remember everything that happened." He leaned back for a moment as his eyes glazed over again. "Whoa, hang on…"
"Tamaki?"
He snapped out of it much less painfully this time. "Right." A look of apprehension formed on his face, and it quickly gave way to realization. "RIGHT!" He stood up. "I think I understand what's happened!"
"So explain it!"
"I've gained all of Light Yagami's memories. I don't know how, but I do know why." He raised one hand a pointed with it into the air. "You see, he and I share a bond that I didn't know about until just this moment. I don't know what it's called, but if his name is ever uttered to me, I instantly learn everything about who he is, and what he's done." He paused for a moment, "and I bet… If he heard my name, he'd learn everything about me."
Haruhi gawked, unable to understand what was happening. "Okay, fine, but why?"
"BECAUSE!" Tamaki smiled. "Because Light Yagami and I… Share a voice actor!"
Haruhi wasn't quite sure what to make of this statement. You share a voice actor? What the hell does that mean?
"You're probably wondering what the hell that means."
Haruhi nodded. "Uh-huh."
"Well, it's really very simple." Tamaki stood up and stared off into a corner of the room with his fist raised. "You see, in the Anime Adaptations of our respective series, Light Yagami and I were both voiced by the same person, Mamoru Miyano!"
Haruhi sighed.
She raised a hand to her forehead and lightly bopped herself on the head with her fist. "It's really come to this, hasn't it?"
Tamaki turned to face her.
"Alright, explain all of this to me, but in a moment. I think you and I both know what has to be done now."
Tamaki nodded, understanding instantly.
"I really hate to have to do this, but I guess we don't have a choice at this point."
Haruhi closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them and turned to face the now-broken Fourth Wall. The Fourth Wall had become a pitiable creature. Though it had gallantly stood for almost 5000 words, it now found itself crumbling before their very eyes.
"I'm really sorry guys. We tried to keep this as self contained as we could, but that's not possible anymore." She grinned. "Try not to be upset by this development."
Tamaki bowed solemnly towards the remnants of the Fourth Wall as it continued to pathetically crumble, almost making a soft 'mewing' sound as it did so. He then turned to Haruhi. "Can I continue?"
"Yeah, I think lingering any longer on that would only make things worse."
"Right, look, the important thing is, because he and I shared a Japanese voice actor, I know everything he knows, he knows everything I know, and I know everything he knows that I know, and what I know, is what he knows, which is that he knows that if I know what he knows he knows he has to kill us, before anyone else knows!"
Haruhi's eyes rolled around disconcertedly as he unleashed that spiel, before she managed to figure it out. "Um, okay. What do you know that he would want to kill you for?"
Tamaki knelt down to Haruhi. "Light Yagami… Is Kira."
Haruhi blinked at him.
He waved his hands. "Right, sorry. It feels like this stuff is common knowledge, but you wouldn't know any of it." He took a deep breath.
"Light Yagami found a notebook one day called the Death Note, he discovered that he could write someone's name in it, and as long as he did so with an image of the persons face in his head, doing so would cause them to die. Having discovered this power he developed a god complex, and convinced himself that he should use the power of the notebook to kill off all the criminals in the world, thereby making the world safe for law abiding citizens. But when he attracted the attention of various law enforcement agencies around the world, he realized that the only way he could succeed was to kill off anyone that knew his secret, such that he could continue to kill criminals even in spite of their distain of his actions. This obsession eventually corrupted and twisted him, until he was killing anyone who stood in his way, and it got to the point where he would even have killed innocents, if they were so negligent as to be lazy or apathetic towards others."
Haruhi continued to blink at him. "But how does he know you know about his secret? He's never met you."
Tamaki stared at her. "…Oh yeah. Well, then I guess we have nothing to worry about!"
"Wait, wait a minute. Why would he have tried to kill me? I don't know anything about him, and I'm not a criminal!"
Tamaki sat there and thought about it.
"Unless…" Haruhi placed a hand against her head. "There is, of course, no one who has lived in the last century and a half with that name, so it is obviously a pseudonym." "The guy I'm defending uses a pseudonym, and no one knows his real name. And you said Yagami needs a name and face to kill someone?"
"Yeah."
Haruhi stood up and began pacing the room. "Then that's it, isn't it? That son of a bitch! He knows Lector is guilty, but also that he can't kill him, so he's going to kill me to ruin his chances of getting an innocent verdict!"
"How does he know Lector is guilty?"
"EVERYONE KNOWS LECTOR IS GUILTY! That's literally what he is. I bet you could imagine some random crime, and he'd be guilty of it!" Haruhi stopped pacing. "He's going to know I gave him a pseudonym."
Tamaki's eyes widened. "How do you know?"
Haruhi glared at him. "Well, I imagine when I show up at the trial, you know, NOT dead."
"Oh crap!"
They sat in silence for a moment.
"You know Tamaki, I probably won't be able to do a lot of mothering if I'm dead."
Tamaki averted his eyes.
"And it seemed like Yagami was trying to convince me that I shouldn't be defending Lector. I bet he would avoid killing me if I decided to drop the case."
"That's probably one way out of this."
Their doorbell rang.
SO THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS STORY WAS GOING TO BE A DRAMA ABOUT CORRUPTION AND THE SACRIFICES PEOPLE MAKE FOR THEIR FAMILIES?
Yeah! They totally bought it!
I WISH I COULD SEE THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY REALIZED IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A BUNCH OF POSTMODERN CRAP!
Yeah… Hey, want to get some coffee later?
WHAT?
Just, you know…
LOOK, I DON'T SWING THAT WAY, ALRIGHT?
Who said anything about that? I just…
I'M PERFECTLY FINE, AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.
Well, okay. Just wanted to hang out, but if you're busy, then that's cool.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WHETHER I'M TOO BUSY OR NOT. I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.
Hey now, I never suggested you were. No need to get all defensive about it.
WELL OKAY THEN.
"Hey Tamaki, do you hear that?"
"Don't worry Haruhi, it's just the narrators. They're going to be showing up occasionally from now on."
"Oh. That kind of sucks."
"Yeah…"
