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Allie,
After hours of sobbing in his lap and his warm hand rubbing my face, I felt better. Peeta was able to find some food and cooked us some supper, giving us the feeling of being normal again. The house was quiet, eerily quiet as we ate, and I got up and turned on the TV just to get some sound going. Since the Capitol's falling, they have been broadcasting TV throughout all of the districts, allowing us to see everything from news to fashion. I sat back at the table and Peeta and I chatted, smiling to each other when the moments feel quiet. I wasn't sure I was happy, but I was hopeful of one day feeling that way.
Peeta quietly made his way to the door, ready for his short trek across the street to his house. We lingered at the door, unsure of how to proceed. He finally grabbed me by the shoulders, pulled me in close to him, and leaned in to kiss me. I closed my eyes, a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins, but the kiss never came. I reluctantly opened my eyes to see him looking behind me towards the television in the family room, and I turned to see what he saw.
"Gale Hawthorne, the most eligible bachelor in district 2 was seen today in a passionate kiss with someone other than his girlfriend Cynthia Rhone. Still no comments from Cynthia, but we can all assume she isn't pleased…" The reported babbled on, but I was too shocked. Gale was in tabloids now, kissing women and cheating on girlfriends. I stared, my eyes welling up with tears, but I wasn't sad. I started to laugh, almost as if I was insane, cackling at the thought of choosing him over Peeta. Peeta was by my side in seconds, holding me up from falling over in hysteria.
"What?" He asked confused, and I struggled to regain my composure.
"2 months Peeta! 2 months and he's pulling this crap. 2 months ago what did you do?" I asked him, wiping the tears from my face.
"Came… home?" He answers me, confused by my question.
"YES! You came home. You came home to me. Because you love me." I said to him, my breathing finally returning to normal. Peeta looked at me puzzled, probably surprised by my reaction to the news that Gale had moved on. Why shouldn't he? He wasn't mine to have. Peeta was mine. My heart would always long for him and only him, Gale can do as he pleases.
"Yes, Because I love you." He replied, nodding to add emphasis to his words.
I kissed him, pulling him close to me with my hands. I pulled at his jacket that he had just put on, tugging it off his shoulders. He pressed me up against the wall in the hallway, knocking off pictures I had hung of my family. His hands rested on the top of my thigh, holding me in place as his lips explored mine, sliding down my neck and back up again. This was the feeling I never acted on, pure need for him. He hoisted me up and I wrapped my arms and legs around him, but he hardly needed my help. He was holding me in his arms freely, his muscles tense but not shaking. I couldn't imagine being so attracted to his strength, but I guess that is what a woman wants in a man. Maybe it was his gentleness regardless of how strong he was, he could control his emotions. Just as the thought entered my mind the doorbell rang, and Peeta dropped me to my feet, startled by the intrusion.
"Shit…" he mumbled, readjusting his pants before answering the door. I couldn't help but smile, at least I knew I had the same effect on him as he did me.
Haymich stood at the doorway and knitted his brow in confusion. He looked over at Peeta's house, then back at mine and walked in. Maybe he was too drunk to figure out that I had Peeta over.
"Good, you're talking again." He said, making himself at home by throwing his bottle of liquor on the kitchen table. Peeta almost looked angry, but one look back at me he just smiled. I blushed at the thought of almost getting caught in a passionate moment by Haymich.
"What can we help you with Haymich?" Peeta asked, a small laugh cracked in his voice. Haymich looked at him bewildered but didn't say anything. He looked over at me and stared, his eyes sizing me up as he tried to figure out the smiles on our faces. I stopped smiling, looking over at Peeta who had stopped too.
"You two… are acting strange." He said pointing his finger at us. We just laughed a little, unable to explain. He eyed Peeta, who was always the soft one, but Peeta didn't say anything.
"Did you all see the news?" Haymich asks.
"About Gale?" Peeta asks, sitting down at the table with him.
"No…. About Annie Odair, it was just on not 3 minutes ago, if you saw Gale's segment you must have seen it." Haymich said. Peeta smiled a little but shook his head no. Haymich rolled his eyes. "Well the paparazzi are following her and the baby around. I've already called her, she's on her way now." He said taking a swig of his drink.
"Will she be safe here?" I asked him, sitting down as well. Haymich shrugged.
"I think between the three of us we can protect her." He said. I thought about having a baby here, and I couldn't help but feel a little excited.
"She can stay here, it would be weird for her to stay with either of you." I told them. Peeta nodded. Haymich just smiled at me.
"Yeah, well I wasn't really giving you an option." He said taking another swig of his drink.
"This means they will probably follow her, and you have to keep your cool, no punching out anyone." He said, pointing directly at me. I nodded, but I wasn't going to promise I wouldn't. Annie didn't need people in her face asking for autographs and photos of Finnick Jr. Finnick would want me to protect her, I owe that to him.
After a few hours I tell Haymich I'm tired, and I want to go to bed. He gets up and saunters to the front door and waits for Peeta.
"Oh yeah, right. I'll see you later Katniss." He said holding open the door. He smiled at me, and left the house. I watched them go from the kitchen window, wishing Peeta hadn't left me. I guess we had an unspoken agreement that we wouldn't tell anyone just yet that we were an item, maybe it was good we didn't tell Haymich. He would tell us it was too soon, but when is it too soon to love someone? I think I had finally made the right choice.
I woke up that morning to light rapping on the door. I almost didn't recognize the sound, and I quickly got my robe on and ran down stairs. I opened the door to find Annie on my front steps clutching little Finnick in her arms.
"Hi Katniss, Haymich won't answer the door…" she said to me, and I picked up two of her bags and pulled her inside, checking to make sure nobody followed her. I see Peeta emerge from his house and run across the street, the pale morning blinding my eyes as I watched him. I left the door open for him to enter.
"Annie you can stay with me, we'll make sure nobody bothers you two anymore. " I said, grabbing the rest of her bags.
"Hey!" I heard Peeta say, and he crossed the room to hug Annie. She smiled and hugged him back, but her face showed the grief she had been enduring. She was very thin, her eyes sunken with sleeplessness. Peeta must have noticed too, and he grabbed little Finnick from her arms and told her to go into the guest bedroom to get some sleep, we would watch the baby. Finally Annie agreed, her eyes closing on their own, and we were left with Finnick Jr.
Peeta held him while I struggled with a pop up crib Annie had brought. I fought with the clasps that held the thing in position, but couldn't get them to click in. I sighed frustrated, and looked over at Peeta. He was bouncing little Finnick in his arms, keeping him quiet as his mother slept. He was beautiful as he held him, and I wondered for a moment if Peeta wanted kids. I pushed the thought from my mind.
"Can you help me with this thing? I'm going to break it." I said, kicking it a little in frustration. Peeta handed Finnick Jr. over to me and clicked the crib into place with ease. Finnick Jr. began to cry in my arms, and I shushed him to quiet him. After a few tense moments he quieted down, adjusting to my arms around him. Peeta sat down on the kitchen counter and took out his pad of paper.
"Turn this way I want to draw him." He said, and I turned to face him. He drew Finnick Jr. and I watched him, his face concentrating on his task. He was so beautiful when he concentrated, the look of a man on his face and not just of a young boy. He was so commanding yet so gentle; I wish I had his composure. Instead I was a jagged rock just waiting to cut people. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him after all.
"You will be a wonderful mom." I heard behind me. Annie looked down at me from the stairs, looking well and rested. I smiled, my arm completely asleep from holding Finnick for so many hours. I handed him back to her, and she quickly cooed him to sleep and placed him in the crib.
"You hungry?" Peeta asks, and Annie nods. He fixes her some food, running over to his house for ingredients and tells me he's taking me shopping later. We eat together, making light conversation.
"I have to tell you something Katniss. Finnick made me promise." She said, putting down her fork down. I looked at her. She had his last words for me, and I had no idea what they could be. Were they pleasant? Or were they angry for getting him into this mess?
"He told me to tell you… That no matter what they take from you they can never take your ability to love. "She said, her words clear and direct, as if they were coming straight from Finnick's mouth. Peeta looked over at me, watching for a reaction, but only a small smile came onto my face.
"Thank you Annie. I will always remember that." I said to her, and she smiled. Finnick Jr. stirred and she looked over him. He rolled over and quieted down, allowing us to continue to talk.
Annie told us about the paparazzi and how they'd been harassing her, asking about the baby and her life without Finnick. I couldn't help but feel enraged; I couldn't believe that people would be so heartless. Then I remembered, even though we've over thrown the Capitol we still have evil in this world. The thought made me sick. Annie told us about her struggle without Finnick, how she often heard his voice in her head. She worried she was completely insane, and I reassured her that it was normal, especially the screams. I took a moment to thank God Annie didn't hear Finnick die, or she may actually go insane. She began to sob, the thought about having the burial without a body was heart breaking to her. In district 4 they often lose bodies when people go overboard in the sea, but this was different, there wasn't anything physically left of him. I held her in my arms, unable to console her any other way, and Peeta just sat there, his mind in a fog of confusion. I wondered if he was having some sort of flashback, and I watched him, his eyes glazing over as if he was changing into another person. When he looked back at me the fog faded, and I couldn't help but sigh with relieve. I wondered what triggered him to lose it for a moment, but I figured it wasn't my place to ask.
Annie excused herself back to the guest room, not wanting to burden us with her plight. Peeta carried Little Finnick up to the room while I followed closely behind them, placing his crib in the middle of the room. Peeta put him down again, and we left Annie to herself. Maybe it was good to let her be.
We decided I needed something more than mustard in my fridge, and Peeta and I walked to the new market place Greasy Sae ran in the middle of town. It was right next to the old Hob, and Peeta and I walked the market place, perused the vegetables they had available. There was a lot more to choose from then we had ever had in 12, and I was quite surprised to see almost every vegetable or herb I could have found in the woods. I picked up what I needed, well, what I thought I needed in case of injury, and Peeta grabbed things to make food. It was nice seeing everyone, seeing people I hadn't seen in months.
"Katniss!" I heard behind me, and turned around to see Rory Hawthorne.
"Hey, how is the family?" I asked awkwardly. He looked at me and kicked around some dirt.
"Alright." He said, probably as uncomfortable as I was. Hazelle appeared behind him and I smiled, but she didn't return the favor.
"What is wrong with my son?" She asked me, her voice harsh. I looked past her at Peeta who had moved onto the next vendor. He stopped to make sure I was alright and I nodded that I was.
"I don't know…" I replied shaking my head. Hazelle scoffed.
"I thought I raised him better than all of this, I thought you would end up being my daughter in law!" she exclaimed, frustration etched on her weathered face. She had aged at least 10 years during the war. I shook my head, unable to speak. I didn't ever want to marry Gale. I thought about us being together once, but only just so that I didn't die of boredom had we ran away together. Even then, my running away with him involved Peeta.
"Can't you talk to him? Ask him to come home Katniss?" she pleaded. Peeta's eyes pierced through me as he waited for me to respond.
"Hazelle, Gale doesn't love me, and I don't love him. He wouldn't come home for me. I'm sure he will find his way back somehow, but he needs to go through these things on his own. We had our childhood taken, and maybe he needs time to act like a child." I said, Peeta's smile telling me I did well. I hadn't hurt him. Hazelle laughed a little.
"Yeah, a child with hormones." She said. I laughed too, the tension from this conversation leaving both of us.
"Do you have any plans for the future?" She asked me, her voice hopeful. I smiled again and looked at my feet.
"I have one plan…" I said, looking at Peeta from across the way. She followed my gaze and turned back to smile at me.
"He's wonderful you know…" she said, giving me a kiss on the cheek before walking Rory further into the town square. I knew. I knew he was wonderful. That might be the problem.
We made our way back to victor's village, him bumping into my arm slightly as we walked. My face begin to feel sore again as I smiled, but my mind was preoccupied with Gale. What was he thinking? I never thought he was like this, a manipulator of women. Why hadn't he tried this crap with me? At one point I might have fallen for it, him being one of the best looking in the Seam, but I never thought I would have the ability to love. I didn't want marriage; I didn't want children only to have them stolen from me in the arena. I'd made my choice to stay single, and now, as I look over at Peeta I can't help but kick myself. He brings me more joy than anyone can in this world, and I owe him everything. Still I can tell Peeta is worried about my relationship with Gale, mainly just because of the history we share.
We entered my house to find Haymich sitting on the couch holding little Finnick. Annie watched a few chairs over, smiling as uncle Haymich loved on him. I'd never seen Haymich so loving, and I couldn't help but wonder if he would act that way towards my children. My children? Did I really just think that? I shook my head a little as to dislodge the thought. We sat down at the couch and watched the baby, Peeta fighting with Haymich to hold him. I really do not deserve this man, and I wondered why had he come home? Why didn't he pull a Gale and rid himself of me? I couldn't stand to think of losing Peeta again, but would he always be in love with me? Or could a beautiful blonde come walking through the district and steal him from me? The thought made me sick, and I stared off into the distance, stewing in my own self-pity until Peeta's voice halted me.
"Katniss are you alright?" He asked bent down in front of me. I smiled a little.
"Of course," I said placing my hand on his cheek. He lightly kissed my palm before standing up. We both looked around as the room fell silent. Haymich sat on the couch; his eyes narrowed and chin on the floor, while Annie just smiled a little at us. Peeta stroked the back of his head, nervously looking from me to them.
"Huh…" Haymich finally says, his face looking a little more inquisitive than shocked. Peeta chuckled a little, both of us turning red. I guess I was really lost in my own little world.
"Finnick knew this would happen…" Annie said, a small but sad smile on her face.
"What would happen?" I asked her, not wanting to upset her more, but I needed to know.
"He knew you loved him Katniss, you just didn't know how. He actually asked me to tell you, 'They could not take your ability to love Peeta, but I thought I should let you figure that out yourself." She said matter of factly. I looked down at my hands, maybe I was this transparent? Everyone seemed to think I loved Peeta but Peeta himself. Gale may have even had an idea, and maybe that's why he left, to leave Peeta and me alone. I found myself feeling angry, as if everyone had chosen this path for me and I'm finally getting with the program. I wasn't sure if I loved Peeta for him or because of subliminal messaging.
"I'm going for a walk." I said abruptly, and stomped out of the house. I ran as fast as I could, knowing Peeta couldn't catch me if he tried. I ran and ran until I found myself outside the fence and sitting in the small hut by the lake. Peeta may have found me by the rock, but he couldn't find me here. I wanted some space, to see how I was actually feeling with all this, emotions swelling and surging in my stomach making me want to vomit. Was I lonely? Probably, but I still felt like I needed him, that my life without Peeta would be pointless. Do I feel like he is my last resort? I don't think so, I actually feel like I'm undeserving of him or his love. I forced myself to think about Prim and what she would say to me. She always loved Peeta, so I don't doubt she would approve of him, but would she think I loved him?
I thought about the arena, and how I felt as Finnick tried to revive him. I almost died with him that day, my whole body ready to explode if Finnick had said he was gone. Had I actually found him? The man my heart longed for? I'm beginning to feel like I have, just judging how my body reacts to his kiss and touch. I think about his lips on mine and can't help but smile. A warm feeling rushes through me. Could I actually be happy? Maybe. Maybe it's my job to be happy, in memory of everyone I've lost.
"Katniss!" I hear out in the distance and I know Peeta is looking for me. The sun has almost set now, so I come out of the hut not wanting him to get lost in the dark.
"Peeta I'm here!" I yelled back to him and slowly made my way to him in the brush.
I found him trudging through the leaves, and we stared at each other much like we had the day before, only this time he looked angry.
"What's going on Katniss?" He asks angrily, his footfalls snapping every twig under him as he stomps towards me.
"What do you mean?" I ask hesitantly.
"Well for starters, our friends find out about our relationship and you flying out of there like a bat out of hell." He said crossing his arms across his chest. I couldn't help but notice how nice his arms look in this position, but I decided not to say anything about it.
"I just had to think…" I said quietly.
"This is exactly what I didn't want! I wanted you to want this with me, and you can't even handle telling Haymich and Annie. I think you were hurt by Gale and that's why you decided I was your only option." He said, his voice commanding and harsh. Where was my Peeta? The sweet and kind man I fell in love with.
"No Peeta, what I told you was the truth…" I said, my voice almost a whisper.
"No Katniss… I won't be Gale's replacement. I deserve someone who is actually going to love me." He says, turning on his feet to walk away.
"PEETA! I do love you! I just had to sort out my feelings. I haven't felt this way before, and after everything that's happened I don't feel like I deserve to be happy with you. You do deserve to be loved, and I am just this broken person that can't handle that kind of emotion. I needed a moment to think!" I said pleading with him. His breath started to show in the moonlight, his features beautiful as I looked at him.
"Be with me then. Be mine and no one else's. Your family would want you to be happy." He said, taking one step towards me.
"I know…" I replied, taking a few steps towards him. He looked at me wildly, his eyes fogging over and he winced in pain, stepping back and putting his arms in front of himself to shield me from him.
"Peeta?" I called, but he just curled into a ball, clutching his arms to his stomach and breathed heavy.
"Peeta it's not real…" I said to him, bending down to touch him but he hit my hand away, his eyes full of fire and hate.
"YOU don't think this is real?" he yells at me, crawling on the forest floor like an animal, knocking me to the ground. He climbs on top of me and begins to choke me.
