Chapter 1: Delivery Job In The Forest of Magic


Travis had pulled himself out of the small wood. This definitely wasn't anywhere he knew of, or even heard of. The farthest he's ever been in his life was on a vacation to Barcelona with his mother, where he saw the world famous Running of the Bulls and dined on authentic Catalan cuisine. It was a memory he treasured deeply, and being out here in a funky place like this seemed to remind him of that somehow.

Felt like I stepped into a whole other world back then. Is this what I'm feeling now? Travis thought to himself as he saw a small stone path leading to that shrine. This curiosity, this wanderlust… Hot damn. I wanna explore this place. Sure, the over-world in the first game was empty, but to be able to walk around like this… I missed it...

He realized that the tree he crashed into was actually a cherry tree, which was neither native to Santa Destroy nor good to grow in it. In fact, he had just been in a whole grove of them. Travis wondered how far he had gone from Santa Destroy. Judging by the apparent age of the shrine, which was very run down, Travis believed that he was in a more traditionally minded area. Which means a foreigner like me probably won't be especially welcome around here.

Fucking hell, should he even try to check if someone's here? For all he knew, it could be abandoned.

Fuck it. He ultimately decided, and approached the shrine's entrance. His Japanese knowledge gained through Hepburn Romaji subtitles and Thunder Ryu's occasional ranting phone calls were a bit rusty, but…

"Konnichiwa! Ore wa sumisu Toravisu Tacchidaun desu! Amerika kara desu! Koko wa doko?"

Thankfully, the door opened, and out came a girl. Not much older than eighteen years of age, if Travis had to guess. She had long dark brown hair and what seemed to be red eyes. She was wearing a red skirt and a white collared sleeveless red top tied together with a yellow ribbon, and detached white sleeves on her arms. She looked rather young.

"An American?" the shrine maiden said in perfect, though accented English. "Oh, I get it. You're from the Outside World, right?"

"Yeah… I think."

The maiden stepped out into the sunlight, looking at him for a moment. "Let me guess… have you met someone named Yukari Yakumo?"

Travis paused for a moment, and then suddenly realized. "Shit! That bitch got away! And right when we were about to finish our fight!"

The maiden blinked. "So you have already engaged in Danmaku?"

"If that's what you call it here. I was sleeping in my room when that hag broke into my room and dragged my ass outside! She then started shooting lasers at me, and I started swinging back." Travis moaned, pulling the Tsubaki Mk. III off of his belt and activating it, which seemed to startle the maiden for a second, but she quickly shook it off and spoke back as he shut it off.

"Travis Touchdown, right? I'm Reimu Hakurei, maiden of the Hakurei shrine." She bowed slightly. "Welcome to Gensokyo."

Travis removed his aviators and blinked. He felt naked without them for a brief moment, but then he shook his head and put them back on.

"Holy fucking shit. I haven't been this riled up over something since Sylvia showed me her yoga skills… only this time, I feel like complete shit."

"Well, I'm sure I can convince Yukari to let you go back home, if you'd like." She offered, but Travis held up his hand.

"Domo arigato, Reimu-san, but I must decline your offer. She mentioned before that half-assed boss fight in the prologue that she wanted to test my skills. That couldn't have just been some shitty throwaway line. I'm here for an obviously important reason."

"So we're resorting to cheap fourth wall cracking just to make the story seem like it's some humorous and witty take on our characters?"

"Hey, if Tsuki-Sennin wants to be an American Suda51, he needs to get all the practice he can get. If he's gonna shamelessly rip somebody off like that, he might as well rip off the best. But anyway, I'm gonna go find that Yukari Yakumo and figure out why she dragged me here so I can finally-" Travis began, walking down the road, only to suddenly stop. "Oh fuck me! Jeane doesn't have food! Shit, and Henry's gonna realize that I'm gone!"

He could handle a lot of things, but the idea of his brother saying "I warned ya, didn't I?" without any semblance of irony seemed to annoy him more than anything else in the world at the moment.

"Don't worry." Reimu said. "So, have you been down to the village yet?"

That caught Travis's attention. "I haven't. Where's that?"

"Just follow the path away from the Shrine, and you'll find it." She said, tracing the path. "You'll be fine down there. There're a lot of places down there where you can stay if you can."

Travis nodded, and turned down the path, muttering "Thanks" as he did so. The Shrine seemed to have been built on relatively flat land. The grounds were fairly spacious and grassy, and at the end he came across a Shrine, much newer than the one he had just come from. How should I put this… well, if Travis thought the Hakurei Shrine was a Citroën DS in a museum, then this shrine was a Hot Wheels Chrysler 300 toy? Yeah, that works. Not only did it look newer and more structurally sound, but it also seemed to be much more intriguing to the residents.

There was already someone here. A girl with green hair, a frog hair clip and what seemed to be a blue maiden's uniform seemed to be praying at it deeply. Travis could feel… something… coming from the shrine, but he elected to leave her alone. Better to avoid making such a bad impression on his first day and anger whatever god she was praying to.

He knew he'll be seeing her around some other time, though.


Travis Touchdown strolled into town and saw how dated everything looked. This Human Village was definitely tight-knit: Travis made note of the amount of shops and traders there. A florist, a bookshop, restaurants, a marketplace… An ordinary resident of this place wouldn't have to go very far outside of the village for anything unless they wanted to visit the Hakurei Shrine (though he couldn't see many of these people willing to leave this place to visit it anyway). It almost reminded him of home, only these people actually seemed content with their lives.

So what kind of fucked up shit happens in this place on a regular basis? What kind of assassins live here? Travis thought to himself. Are these places of sparse human life normal for Gensokyo? Is this place even average in of itself?

Travis approached what looked to be a tavern. Maybe he can rent out a room, just gotta check to see if he's got the right cash and-

Oh. As it turns out, his wallet was completely empty, save for his license for the Schpeltiger II, a picture of Jeane looking up at the camera, and a photo of Sylvia wearing nothing but… know what, you can use your imagination on that.

"Shit… guess I need to work." He muttered. And thus began Travis's search for a job.


As it turns out, finding a job was a bit harder than one would think in the Human Village, especially if you looked and dressed like a foreigner compared to the kimonos and geta these people wore. The people's responses were mixed with varying degrees of curiosity, distrust, and "What the hell are you wearing?" The most he'd get for work were some lazy fuckers paying him in peanut shells worth of money or a shot of sake for moving heavy objects or scaring off kids, but not before saying that he could come back and do it again if he'd like. Thankfully, an old woman pointed him in the direction of a Job Request Board, which offered much better work.

Help Wanted! 20000 LB$ Flat Pay! 5000 LB$ Bonus for every package delivered completely intact!

If you want to gamble your life on mad cash, then this is the job for you!

Zip through the dangerous Forest of Magic to deliver the packages at their destinations!

Battle Youkai and deadly carnivorous plants and carve a path of glory through the darkest thickets!

Your average deliveryman is braver than any superhero, and this job will prove why!

For more information, please visit the Human Village Postal Service!

Now this board was speaking his language! Deadly part time jobs are Travis's forte. It's how he usually makes steady income outside of his assassination gigs.

Super-speed pizza delivery, pest control, coconut gathering, sanitation, gas station work, mine sweeping, plumbing, tiling, catching those goddamn motherfucking bastard sons-of-multiple-whores SCORPIONS… Travis did it all. If anything, he's the most experienced man in the village right now.

Side Job – It's Whore Time! The weird voice said again. Go to the Post Office and talk to the Postmaster!

Travis rolled his eyes, but made his way there. Turns out it was situated near the entrance of town. Just at the gate, where he could properly see a thick and spooky-looking forest on the other side of town. He walked inside, and sure enough, it looked rather wooden and primitive. He looked at the man sitting at the desk. He was wearing a uniform that looked like something belonging to UPS or FedEx. It was a light-blue windbreaker with a silver zipper and black pants, and on his blonde head he wore a cap that bore the letters "HVPS". He looked pretty young, but he carried himself with a sense of authority. Like he was the guy who can get shit done, and Travis felt it.

"Ah, hello there, sir! Are you here to send something out or pick something up?" The man asked, looking at him with a pensive expression.

"Neither. I'm here to talk to you about the job." Travis stated, and upon this the man blinked, before suddenly grinning widely.

"Whoa, really?!" He asked, looking like a kid in a candy store, before laughing with relief. "Wow! I can't believe it! Somebody's gonna take Forest of Magic Route! That's a cruel joke, but I can't deny that it's funny!"

"So, when can I start?" Travis asked.

The Postmaster then sighed and said "You can't be serious. You. Want to take this job?"

"That's the plan. I need to have the money." Travis replied, stretching his arms out. "All I need is the uniform, some directions, what I need to deliver, and… dude, what the hell? Are you alright?"

The Postmaster looked away, grimacing so hard that it almost made him look ancient. "Shit… you really are gonna do this. Look, it's not that I believe that you can't do it. If anything, you look like somebody who does a lot of crazy shit on a regular basis like that celebrity… what's his name… Johnny Nashville? Anyway, you look tough but… we're talking about Youkai. Literal fuckin' demons! Demons that'll crush your bones and eat your soul and fuck you like one of my old seniors fucked his boss's wife! What if you get lost and never come back out? What if you get lethally ill from the air? What if you take a wrong turn and somehow run into…" the man paused before he shuddered and lost all color in his face. "Yuuka Kazami?"

That caught Travis's attention. "Yuuka Kazami?"

"Don't. Don't even think about it." He immediately responded with such gravity that Travis's wild fantasies of fighting someone as strong as Yukari so soon were somehow stopped cold in their tracks. "You can't defeat Yuuka. None of us can. If you see a woman with green hair and red eyes, be absolutely certain that you don't talk to her, don't look at her the wrong way, and be damn sure you don't harm a single flower under any circumstances. Ever."

Silence lay thick between the two men, before the Postmaster took a deep breath.

"Now that you're aware of all those risks, are you damn certain that you want to go out there and make those deliveries?"

Travis rolled his eyes before repeating "Yeah. I need this cash."

The delivery man stood up straight, and in his eyes Travis could see a twinkle of pride.

"Maybe you are the guy I've been looking for. That maiden from the Hakurei Shrine sometimes delivers the packages to the edge of the forest, where the antique shop Kourindou is. If you ask the owner, Kourin-san, he might be willing to lend you a bike and directions to the people who live in the forest. We've got six packages to deliver today."

Travis nodded. "Alright, I'm ready."

The Postmaster grinned and handed Travis the packages, the uniform.

"Good luck." He said as Travis emerged from the Staff Changing Room, feeling fresh in his uniform.


Kourindou was a small place, run by only one man. "Kourin-san", who introduced himself as Rinnosuke Morichika, was a young-looking man with golden eyes, short silver hair, and blue and black clothing. He was carrying a small red bag on him, which he used to accept his package, which appeared to be a copy of a book on treasure. The bicycle he had given Travis was clearly on its last legs. It was rusted, appeared to be broken a few times, dead, and the wheels were wonky. Because of the forest, no doubt.

"I haven't seen you before, Mr. Touchdown." He said simply. "Are you perhaps a new hire?"

"Yeah." Travis replied, holding out a clipboard. "Just came into town today. I won't stay for a long time, but I do need cash if I'm gonna get anywhere."

Rinnosuke nodded, signing for his package.

"Well, if you're looking to deliver to Marisa Kirisame and Alice Margatroid, you'll find them in the Forest, where they live relatively close to each other. Don't expect it to be safe to go looking for them, however. You've heard about the dangers in the Forest, correct?"

"Yeah, yeah… I've heard. Don't worry, I know how to fight." Travis waved his hand around, before moving his head around to look inside. It looked like fairly old junk from where he came from. He even saw a CRT TV. "You've got a lot of stuff back there. Is the antique business not very lucrative?"

"Not really, no." he replied, as he began reading the book. "Still, it's nice to be surrounded by wonders of the Outside World. You can keep the bike for yourself if you'd like. I plan on getting a new one anyway. Be careful in there."

Travis turned around. He wheeled the bike around the corner and hopped on it. He stared down the forest, and it stared back.

"It's game time!"


TOUHOU – DEATH-DEFYING DAREDEVIL DELIVERY SERVICE!

-Press Start to Begin!-

Select Difficulty

- Easy: (An easy route through the Forest of Magic, perfect for those starting out! People say these modes are for kids, but those elitists bastards were kids too! Take it easy, why don't ya?)

Medium: (LOCKED)

Hard: (LOCKED)

Lunatic: (LOCKED)

How-to-Play: Hope your riding skills are up to snuff, because you're gonna eat shit otherwise! Weave in and out of the bramble and spores. Use your beam katanas to cut down the hungry plants and the Bakebake! Don't take too long to deliver the packages! The air around here'll get ya if you're not used to it. Get knocked off or fall down, and a package will get busted. Bust them all, and you're not eating tonight, you spaz. Deliver them all safely, and you'll get a surprise! Go get 'em, tiger!

Travis pedaled with great haste as he studied the forest around him. He felt woozy just being around it. He could probably bear it for about… 5 minutes before he started really getting sick. He rode around, occasionally dodging roots and branches and using the Blood Berry to cut apart the monstrous plants or knock away the many Bakebake (derpy looking ghosts that looked like they were trying to be Boos made from colorful construction paper, which caused Travis to start calling them Mr. Ghostlies) that tried to steal the bag. It was dull, but at least he got a bit of extra cash for doing it.

One of these Ghostlies in particular tried to knock the bike over by sweeping in on under it, only for Travis to bunny hop over it (which sounds dumb but hey it worked) and crush it with the back wheel of the bike, which squeezed the poor spirit like a stress ball, and left it looking crumpled afterwards. It let out a pitiful squeak, before immediately popping back into shape, feeling rightfully miffed that its plan to steal people's mail had come up as a failure. Its new goal? Kill the Postman. And that thought spread among that shared connection the Bakebake have. Kill the Postman. Kill the Postman! KILL THE POSTMAN! KILL THE POSTMAN!

Travis turned around after narrowly ducking under a thorny vine and was slightly taken aback to see a literal army of the white/colored bastards. It's good that white folk and colored folk are uniting together as friends and comrades working towards a common goal as many great leaders of the past wished, but Travis didn't care about their unity right now. "Come Hell or High Water, the mail must go through!" That was an unofficial motto of the United States Postal Service, and it's only at this exact moment that Travis learn what that phrase meant, as he kicked the bike into second gear.

"Come on!" Travis shouted. "I'll deliver you to Hell where you bastards belong!"


Somewhere, very far away, a girl with red hair and eyes sneezed for seemingly no reason while speaking about one of her more… "Out there" subjects.

"Hecatia, are you alright?" a woman with long orange hair asked in concern.

"Mm… yeah, I'm fine." The girl said, grinning again. "Anyway, this guy, Skelter Helter… he has a brother here..."


The Bakebake darted past Travis, organizing themselves into walls, X formations, V formations… there were so many of them... they even seemed to be carrying those spores that he heard about. Travis wish he had a reliable ranged weapon, but since he's got no other choice… He slowed down a bit, and deactivated Blood Berry. He was surely going to regret this, but… he drew a katana with a red beam. It was a bit short, but that's not the gimmick of this one. He pointed the Peony behind him and poked a Ghostly. It left a distinct burn mark on the spirit's form, which then left it open to attack with a brutal finishing slash, and he watched the spirit fall down onto the ground, dead.

In the back of his mind, he saw a slot machine spinning. His fingers were crossed…

Bell… Bell… BAR!

Damn, so close! Travis would've appreciated Dark Side Mode at the moment, but to be fair, he would get plenty more chances to activate it. His Ecstasy Gauge was rising rapidly, as he cut down the Ghostlies, and it'd be a waste if he got Dark Side Mode now and wasted it after leaving it be for so long. Once the Peony was at full length, he felt his inner tiger roaring. He held the brought the Peony back in front of him, ready to ram through the Ghostlies and add to the pile of defeated spirits. He kicked a rock at a Ghostly and through its wall with a mighty swing of the Peony. A certain familiar feeling welled up inside his soul.

Cherry… Cherry… Cherry!

"Yeah! Time to cause some chaos!" Travis shouted as he felt energy well up inside him as his hair turned a bright yellow, Super Saiyan-style. And with this rush of energy in his heart, he called out the name of his power.

Dark Side Mode "Bizarre Jelly – Strawberry on the Shortcake!"

You've engaged Dark Side Mode! And lucky for you, the special technique Strawberry on the Shortcake! By channeling the will of Ichigo Beniyama, AKA Red Counterattack Strawberry, your speed and strength kick into overdrive and time slows to a crawl around you! But be careful, it can be hard to control yourself with speed like this, and your Ecstasy will drop to zero when it's over!

Travis was feeling the power spread throughout his body. He hopped off the bike, which began to fall to the ground in slow motion until he effortlessly lifted it off the ground. He began to run through the forest, swinging the Peony with one hand and carrying the bike on his shoulder with the other, which had the unintentional side effect of making him look like some kind of doofus. Fortunately, he didn't quite lose his senses to the spores just yet. Only 2 minutes left, he estimated, but that should be plenty of time to get to this Marisa Kirisame's house, especially with the speed he gained from Strawberry on the Shortcake.

Travis brought his blade down on the Ghostlies, who had rather delayed reactions to their bodies being torn apart by the heat and precision of the beam. He ran further and further down the forested path, gleefully slicing and dicing through the hordes of Ghostlies, even as he felt himself winding down. Subsequently, he felt time returning to its original speed, and he was eventually forced to put the bike down and shut the Peony off.

He looked back and saw the "bodies" of the spirits that littered the forest floor as he set the bike back up. He rode down the remaining bit of the path for a solid minute and finally came across a clearing. For the first time in this fucking forest, he could finally taste fresh air and not have it be ruined by spores and the like. He saw a rather nice looking, albeit simple house. The residence had one floor, but he believed it had an attic. It had a bit of vegetation growing on it, and Travis could pick up a rather strong smell mushrooms but thankfully it wasn't anything as sickening as the Forest he just exited out of. He followed its gravelly walk way to the wooden front door, he knocked.

He heard someone approaching, albeit with a bit of crashing and one explosion. Travis's eyes widened, but then the door opened.

"Hey, you the delivery guy?" the girl asked. "Just give me the ones that say Kirisame."

Marisa Kirisame seemed to be wearing a black witch's dress combined with a maid uniform. Over the dress, she wore a white apron. She had yellow eyes and blonde hair, and looked to be about Reimu's age, give or take a small amount of time.

Travis opened the bag, and both of Marisa's packages were taken out. "Here you go… sign right here."

"Wow! You rode all the way here on Rinnosuke's bike?" she said, noticing the rusted two-wheeled transport he rode through the forest.

"Yeah…" Travis replied. "Poor thing's barely still alive after my war with the Bakebake population."

Upon saying this, the rust and wear-ridden bike collapsed, sending the front wheel rolling around in a circle and a few screws flying, while the duct-tape holding the body together let out a loud ripping sound.

Travis sighed. "Whatever. He was gonna get rid of that thing anyway. You don't mind if I leave this here while I deliver this to… Alice Margatroid, do you?"

Marisa shook her head and grinned. "Nah. Not at all. I'll take it off your hands, as well as give you a ride to Alice's. I know where she lives, and I was planning to ask her something anyway."

Marisa went back inside and Travis heard that familiar crashing, but this time he heard honking, the sound of her cursing up a storm, glass breaking, and not one, but two explosions. Before long though, she emerged with what looked to be a broom made out of bamboo. She hopped on it, hovered in the air slightly beside him, and said "Grab on to the tail. I can take you there instantly. You could walk there on foot, but you're clearly not used to the Forest's haze yet."

Travis, eager not to get back in that musty hellhole of trees and ghosts he attempted to slaughter indiscriminately, grabbed on, and immediately felt himself being forcefully yanked off the ground.

"AHH!" he let out as Marisa Kirisame darted off into the sky.


Henry Cooldown stepped out of Airport 51 and into Santa Destroy, and he couldn't wait to get back home. But first, he had to make sure his brother wasn't kidnapped. It's what good brothers do, right?

He had taken a ride to the closest bus stop to Motel "NO MORE HEROES". God, his brother still lived in this dump? Even after all that money he made? What a waste.

Henry Cooldown was a man about 30 or so years of age, just like his twin brother. He too worked as an assassin, and he too wielded a beam katana. Though honestly that's where the similarities between the two really ended. He was a man with blackened hair and blue eyes, like his brother (though his used to be more of an auburn color), but in his honest and humble opinion, he was the handsome one. While his brother preferred to dress up like a reject member of the Clash who became addicted to the Japanese as protest, Henry opted for a more stylish and matching attire, using grey and white clothing and a black tie and gloves to provide contrast. He opened up the door using a rather simple method of lock-picking, and entered to see that his room was a mess. Too much of a mess in fact. He walked in, as his cat… Jeane, he thought her name was… looked at him in confusion. Never fully recovered from her, did you, little brother?

He nearly kicked over a trash can as he came to inspect the cat. Oddly enough, she still had a relatively full bowl of cat food, as well as a dish of water. He gave her a slight stroke behind the ears, and she slowly started to accept her guest.

"Who's been taking care of you while your master's been gone, eh?"

He looked up at the answering machine, and turned it on.

"You have -THREE- new messages." The feminine automated voice stated, and Henry listened to them both.

"Hey, Travis the Great! Do you remember me? Yeah, it's me. Kimmy Howell, your number one fan! Before you freak out about me getting your number, you should know that I got it from that UAA lady. Uh… Sylvia, I think her name was? The one with the French accent? She didn't mind giving it out to me. She seemed to recognize me, I think, from our totally awesome fight at my school!"

Henry grimaced. Travis seemed to have found himself a friend. She had a young, English-accented voice, like she was still in college. Hopefully she doesn't get too obsessed with him. Otherwise he'll be having some very stern words with Sylvia when he finds her later.

"Um… I was thinking that maybe you'd like to hang out sometime this summer? I don't think it's really a date, but I'll pay for dinner if you'd like me to! Um… oh my God, the time! Uh, I've got to go! I need to get to class soon! Bye, Travis the Great!"

She made a kissing sound before she hung up. It wasn't like a simple peck on the cheek or an exaggerating smooching sound. It almost sounded like she was trying to eat her phone. Needless to say, this disturbed Henry to no end as he stood there for a moment in both disgust and disbelief. He sat there for a whole ten seconds with Jeane, who seemed to be feeling the same feelings her owner's brother did, before Henry ended their suffering by stopping the message. He nearly tasted vomit in his mouth as he gagged, but thankfully the next message wasn't nearly as bad. It was from another girl, but thankfully it was somebody he actually knew.

"Hello, Master?" Scarlet "Shinobu" Jacobs said from the other line. "It's me, Shinobu. Listen, about last week, I'm sorry for coming onto you like that. I thought that we were in a moment, but it's clear that I overstepped my boundaries, especially with the whole nine year age gap thing. I just wanted to call you and see if you're doing alright. You seemed pretty stressed out. If you need my help, just call and ask. I'll call you again. Good night."

…well, at least Travis has some standards about younger women. Nine years younger, good God… what do these girls see in him?

The final message played and then he heard the voice of Sylvia Christel… his ex-wife. "Hello? Travis? You haven't called in a week. Are you alright? Oh dear, you ran off on me, didn't you? Well, I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. But if you've been fooling around with some other bitch, I will personally kill you with your own beam katana! I will be coming around tomorrow at 2:05 to make sure that you're still alive. If you've been kidnapped or something, I will organize a search party to come and find you. But if you're planning to kill an assassin behind my back… make sure that you use the restroom, brush your teeth, and make sure that you're ready. Trust your force, and head for the Garden of Madness… ah, I seem to have accidentally been reminiscing. You do that to me, you know?"

Henry sighed. Hopefully that was made today. He'd do anything to not have to interact with Sylvia again.

"Oh my, Henry?"

Just his luck… Sylvia Christel had shown up at the door, and was listening in.


A lot happened this chapter, didn't it? Travis met Reimu and Marisa and had his first major fight in Gensokyo, while Henry is now fully aware that Travis is gone! And Sylvia's here too! An effective second chapter, wouldn't you say? …Nah, I shouldn't brag too much. And considering that the last chapter was a prologue, I think this'd technically be the first chapter. Anyway, while the story's not super great yet, but I'm having a lot of fun writing it so far, and I thank you if you've enjoyed it even a little. Do me a favor and leave me some constructive criticism, won't you?

Be on the look out for the next chapter soon!