A/N: Hahahaha... Varia.
Warnings: This is a parody of pretty much everything, including but not limited to: Mary Sues, cliches, BL, etc...
Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn or...Pokemon... (This chapter really disturbs me.) Also, if any of these "original characters" remind you of some other OC, it's probably because of the cliche.
Somewhere in Italy
Lussuria, for the first time in his life, was struck speechless. His body was held rigid against the wall furthest from the insanity going on across the room, which he was steadfastly aware that only he was obviously sane enough to realize it was, indeed, insanity.
"Ah, it's Lussuria-nee-chan!"
Lussuria promptly got a mouthful of purple. Spitting out the gleaming violet strands of hair, he pushed the-the thing away from him, holding it at arms length before it could get its scrawny arms around his waist again. The girl - thing - was short, about five feet estimated, with a slender body that didn't stop her from having a voluptuous chest that bounced with every step. She was wearing skin-tight leather pants and a black vest that showed her stomach - Who gave this girl fashion advice, biker gangs? - and silver bracelets and necklaces jingled with her every move. Her skin was pale, almost porcelain, and it stood in stark contrast to her sweeping violet mane held back in a loose ponytail.
"What are you?" Lussuria knew that it certainly wasn't human; humans didn't get to cuddle with Xanxus.
The girl pouted at him cutely, "What do you mean, 'Nee-chan? I'm the Varia's new cloud Guardian! It's me, Fuyuharu Natsuaki!"
"Ushishishishi~ What's going on? Is that baka bothering the prince's princess?" Belphegor cackled from the couch, knives in hand with a wide grin.
Xanxus glared from his own spot on his favorite armchair, "Let go of my girl, trash!"
Natsuaki giggled, pulling away from a dumbfound Lussuria and skipping over to her newly-established harem. Setting herself on Xanxus' lap, she basked in the attention of the males around her; Xanxus and Belphegor were showering her with praises and Squalo was admiring her shiny, shiny hair.
"Aaaah~h! I don't understand what's going on at all!" Lussuria sighed, clutching his feather boa closer to himself. The others in the room ignored him, though Lussuria found their party oddly lacking.
"Eeeh~? Where's Levi-A-Than?" he asked the room at large.
"Who?" Squalo questioned, giving Lussuria a strange look.
"Levi-A-Than! Our Thunder guardian!" Lussuria hissed.
"Who?"
"Le-you know what? Never mind." Clearly his fellow Varia members were being controlled by something. Lussuria couldn't care less about them, but there was Xanxus! He must find a way to free his boss from this unhealthy influence!
"The Thunder pervert is missing."
Lussuria jumped, slamming back into the wall at the monotone admission. He looked down, blinking at the sight of a giant frog hat worn by the teal-haired teen. "F-Fran? What are you doing here?"
Fran looked down at himself plaintively, "I think I'm the Varia's Mist Guardian."
"But this isn't the Future! It should be Marmon!"
Fran glanced at the girl across the room, "I know. I don't understand it either."
Lussuria also looked in the girl's direction, but both members of the Varia looked away when Natsuaki waved at them cheerfully.
"I think we should pay a visit to my Master," Fran suggested easily, strolling out of the room and away from the Influence.
Lussuria followed, steadfastly ignoring the sound of Xanxus laughing cheerfully.
Kokuyo Land was as run-down as Tsuna remembered, and he made a mental note to suggest moving his less-than-amiable Mist Guardians and their cohorts somewhere else. He's sure the Vongola has funds for that, especially with the way that Giannini keeps destroying every weapon he tunes up.
"What nice weather!" Yamamoto cheered.
"Yeah, it's great," Tsuna replied distantly, more concerned with the dark corridors they were walking through. Mukuro wouldn't start throwing illusions at them just for the hell of it, would he? Tsuna had made sure to pull on his best Serious Business expression - basically him looking very scared and on the verge of tears. (This expression usually only worked on Gokudera, though...)
"Oya, oya, what's this? Sawada Tsunayoshi has paid me a visit~"
Tsuna didn't shudder, already too traumatized from the morning full of Tsunako to truly fear Mukuro at this point. The illusionist seemed to catch this change, leaning forward in the ragged sofa he was seated on. Ken and Chikusa were sitting on the ground, munching on some of the gathered snacks, while Chrome had taken residence in the very corner of the room and looked up at her boss in confusion.
"Mukuro, we need your help," Tsuna began, looking around the room just to be sure Tsunako hadn't materialized herself over here. Who knew what the girl was truly capable of? "Something weird is going on in Namimori."
"Kufufufu... And why should I care what happens in Namimori? Why don't you have Kyoya-kun take care of it, since he loves his city so much~"
Tsuna cleared his throat, looking away from peering heterochromatic eyes, "Th-That's the thing. She got Hibari-san."
Dead silence met this, and Tsuna chanced a look at Mukuro's face. The pineapple-esque man had assumed a blank expression, which meant he had to explain.
"Who?" Chrome asked, in place of Mukuro's (frightening) silence.
"This girl who suddenly appeared. Her name is Tsunako, and she says she's my sister - but she isn't!" Tsuna replied, looking between his two Mist guardians. Mukuro's eyes had narrowed at this information, so the Vongola boss took it as a request to further explain. "When I woke up, Bianchi and the kids were gone and Reborn was an adult! She and Reborn were lovers before he became an Arcobaleno because she time-travelled or something. Mom said Tsunako was like my long-lost little sister, and now she's enrolled at Namimori. Apparently she broke out of Vendicare-"
"Only Mukuro-sama can do that!" Ken snapped, insulted on his leader's behalf.
"-and she knows Hibari-san from before; I think they slept together. Then she told Gokudera-kun that she was trained in secret from when she was two to become my Shadow Guardian and then they spent ten minutes just crying together! Then Onii-san spotted her in the hall and kept trying to get praised by her for his muscles. Everyone in school is acting weird - all the guys are in love with her and the girls are jealous. Except for Kyoko-chan and Kurokawa-san..."
"...So let me get this straight," Chikusa spoke up, face blank, "She's a time-travelling ex-convict that was trained in secret as your Shadow Guardian who's had romantic relationships with both Reborn and Hibari, has become Gokudera's newest fixation, and has earned the attention of everyone in the school for simply existing?"
"Yes!" Tsuna cried, glad someone finally understood how absurd it all was.
"This is complete bullshit!" Ken growled, jumping to his feet. "That bombing psycho would never leave your side for someone else! He's completely obsessed with you!"
"Stalker with a Crush," Yamamoto intoned.
It was sad how used to that Tsuna was becoming.
Mukuro rose from his seat, a small scowl on his lips. "I see. I also happen to know what it is we're facing, but first let me ask you this - do you start to act strange around this girl as well, Tsunayoshi-kun?"
Tsuna shook his head after a small contemplation, "No, but my Hyper Intuition keeps warning me about her. I could just tell something was weird with her. Yamamoto is relatively the same too, except when he does those random explanations..."
"What random explanations?" Yamamoto asked, perplexed.
"Never you mind, Takeshi-kun," Mukuro waved off. "And besides those two girls, is there anyone else...immune?"
"Not that I know of," Tsuna mourned. "Well, Gokudera-kun was saying he saw Bianchi-san this morning, so maybe she ran off with the kids to somewhere safe?" He could only hope.
"Perhaps," Mukuro mused. "Although the root of the problem lies with this 'Tsunako'. I've only encountered this creature once before."
"Really?" Tsuna gasped. "Where? What is she?"
Mukuro grimaced, recalling very unpleasant memories, "On the seventh path of Hell. She has many names and forms, but she retains the same properties - I expect Takeshi-kun has already started listing off her attributes."
"She's so beautiful that she inspires either love or envy as soon as she is in sight."
Mukuro twitched, "It took the Classic route? That's rare for it, these days... It must have something else planned..."
"What is it?" Tsuna asked worriedly. "Is she even human?"
"Of course it isn't, Tsunayoshi-kun," Mukuro scoffed. "Do you really think Kyoya-kun can fall in love with a human?"
Tsuna had to concede that point.
"So how do we take care of her, pyon?" Ken asked.
Mukuro grimaced, "There are a variety of, ah - methods..."
"Has this place always looked like this?" Fran asked, staring apathetically up at the thick, grey clouds hanging over Namimori. The only thing missing was the rain and lightning, but as far as the two Varia were concerned, the strange halo of light shining down from the center of the clouds was what really got their attention.
"What are the chances that she got here before we did?" Fran posed.
"Oh, I certainly hope not! Then how will we save Boss~?" Lussuria whined.
"Oh my gawd - is that the Varia?"
The two members of the mentioned group reluctantly turned at the unfamiliar voice, half-expecting another mouthful of purple. Fortunately for them, the owner of said voice had neither purple hair or any immediate interest in invading their personal space. Mostly because she was already invading the personal space of a vaguely familiar redhead.
"You should go with them," Kozato Enma immediately said, face blank but eyes practically begging to be saved. The girl attached to him merely giggled, grinning up at him shyly. She had shoulder-length raven hair with green streaks, wide amber eyes that shined with undilated light and the stars of the universe, flawless pale skin that didn't look at all unhealthy, and a petite figure that was sleekly dressed in the Shimon uniform.
"Oh no, you have one too!" Lussuria positively shrieked.
"There's more?" Enma asked, looking more horrified by the second.
The girl pouted at them, "More what? Anyway, it doesn't matter - I need to introduce myself!" Fran's dry "Please don't," went ignored as she continued on, "I'm Sakura Megumi Luna Hikaru Phoenix Elfina Neko Red Blue Gold Silver Ruby Sapphire Diamond Pearl Reborn Lal Shimon!"
Silence met this proud declaration.
"She's not kidding," Enma offered bleakly. "She showed me her ID. It's all on there."
Fran was clearly not impressed. "You named yourself after the Pokemon video game series?"
"You know, Japanese people don't even have middle names," Lussuria pointed out.
"Whatever, I do because I'm cool like that," Sakura blah blah blah Lal Shimon waved off. For the convenience of the author, she will now be referred to as PokéFan. "So I'm actually not even from this world, I'm from an alternate universe-slash-real world where I was killed in a hit-and-run. When I woke up in the hospital, I was in this world! I love this anime!"
"You should have just stayed dead," Fran commented. "We could always help you with that."
PokéFan looked appropriately horrified.
"Don't bother, I already tried," Enma interjected. "It's like she just nullified all the attacks. I can shoot her from point-blank range and the bullet would never leave the barrel."
"By the way, where is your Family, Kozato-kun?" Lussuria asked. The Shimon didn't always shadow their boss's steps, but surely even they would notice the parasite that had latched on to the boy?
Enma scowled at the girl still attached to him, "I think she ate them. One moment they were all trying to kill her, the next thing I know they're all gone and she's unharmed."
"I didn't eat them!" PokéFan exclaimed, appalled.
"Well," Lussuria cocked his head, "That certainly leads to a different interpretation to the phrase 'Gotta catch 'em all', doesn't it?"
"Pay attention to me!"
Tsuna was used to doing things - unspeakable, terrifying things - for his loved ones. He'd gone head-to-head with an illusionist that went through Hell in both the literal and figurative senses, fought a psychotic assassin with anger issues, got blasted ten years into the future to fight another psychotic mafia boss, went through trials just to claim a title he would forever keep denying, fought a rival famiglia who held a grudge for over 400 years that they eventually learned was entirely fabricated - all for his loved ones. If anything, you'd think Tsuna would be used to putting his life on the line on a day-to-day basis.
Today just wasn't his day.
"I don't think I can do this," Tsuna whimpered, still half-heartedly clinging to the ruins of Kokuyou Land. "I mean, I really don't think I can do this. It's just-Is there really no other way?"
"Tsunayoshi-kun, stop whimpering," Mukuro growled, grabbing the other boy's arm and practically dragging him off. "The only other way isn't accessible to us right now - we'd need someone like the Poison Scorpion for that."
"Crack Pairing," Yamamoto labeled instantly. It was just the three of them currently; after giving a mini-lecture on what Tsunako was and what she was weak against, Mukuro had decided it would be better for them to split up. He'd sent Chrome with both Chikusa and Ken to seek out the missing members of the Vongola and find any others immune; Tsuna and his group would act as the diversion to keep Tsunako occupied.
"So why don't you-"
Mukuro whirled to face the other boy, smile wide and frightening. "What was that, Tsunayoshi-kun?"
"...nothing."
"Good boy," Mukuro chuckled, turning back around and continuing to drag the reluctant heir of the Vongola crime family behind him. Yamamoto was easily keeping pace, seemingly enjoying the warm sunshine.
"Here you guys are!"
Tsuna balked at the familiar voice, practically flying behind Mukuro to use as a personal shield. Mukuro ignored the younger boy, instead turning his attention to the owner of the voice who was approaching with an entourage.
Tsunako grinned brightly at the three of them, reaching the trio first as the other Guardians hurried to catch up with the girl's quick pace.
"You're EXTREMELY fast, Tsunako-chan!" Ryohei congratulated brightly, panting.
"And you found them so quickly! As to be expected of the Shadow Guardian!" Gokudera fanboy'd.
"Hn, your skills haven't slackened at all, omnivore," Hibari grunted.
Tsuna clutched at Mukuro's sleeve, gesturing wildly to the group who were salivating over the lone girl present. "See what I mean? How is 'that' gonna cure this?"
Mukuro ignored him, glancing over at Yamamoto, "You know what you have to do, right?"
Yamamoto's eyes narrowed, face going serious as he gave a sharp smile. "Yeah, it's just like one of those dating sim games, right? I've never played one before, so this should be fun."
"So what were you guys doing out here?" Tsunako asked innocently, although her eyes rested solely on Mukuro in a clear evaluation. Mukuro remained indifferently smiling under her gaze, even as he released his grip on Tsuna.
"Yo, Gokudera!" Yamamoto greeted, smiling cheerfully as he sidled up to the silver-haired boy. For his part, the chain-smoker looked surprised at being addressed and perturbed at the subsequent invasion of his personal space.
"Baseball-idiot, don't ignore Tsunako-sama's-"
Gokudera's chiding was immediately cut short as Yamamoto leaned forward and kissed him.
Tsuna looked away. Find my happy place, find my happy place, find my happy place!
Mukuro just looked grim, "Be ready, Tsunayoshi-kun; this particular Shounen Ai Tactic may be too light to really have any effect."
Tsuna cringed even more into himelf. Happy place, happy place, happy place-
Yamamoto pulled back, eyes sharp as he regarded the silver-haired boy he'd pretty much just sexually assaulted. Gokudera's slack-jawed disbelief quickly moved into undilated fury-
"I knew it! You and Takeshi-kun make such a cute couple, Hayato-kun!" Tsunako declared with a proud smile.
-before just as quickly morphing into embarrassed adoration. The bomber gazed up at Yamamoto with a look of absolute devotion. "Yes...despite threatening his life numerous times, insulting him constantly, and being a vicious yandere for the Tenth, I've always loved Yamamoto. Takeshi, let's make man-babies!"
HAPPY PLACE HAPPY PLACE HAPPYPLACEHAPPYPLACE-
"Tsunayoshi-kun, stop crying," Mukuro hissed.
"You said Boys Love would work against her!" Tsuna whined, keeping his death grip on Mukuro's sleeve. (Which should speak volumes about just how desperate he was.)
Mukuro's eyes narrowed. "It's evolved since I've last seen it. The one down in Hell tried to dismember me when I cast an illusion of Boys Love."
He evaluated Tsunako coldly as she proceeded to fangirl over the new couple of Yamamoto and Gokudera, "And she's learned some proper grammar and spelling. She used to speak only in chatspeak."
"Now what do we do? Boys Love isn't working!" Tsuna pointed out, voice edging closer into hysteria. If Reborn had been nearby and in his right mind, this would have been the perfect opportunity for a roundhouse kick to the head.
"Boys Love might still work; she's lost at least one love interest, at any rate. At least it isn't the harem type..." Mukuro trailed off, giving Hibari and Ryohei a dark look. He followed their loving gazes back over to Tsunako, his lips still twisted down into a frown. Boys Love hadn't proved to be effective enough, but right now it was all they had.
"I really love the 8059 pairing!" Tsunako squealed. "Especially how you two always bicker like an old married couple!
"Slap Slap Kiss Mentality," Yamamoto called out instantly.
"Oh god, does he have a label for everything?" Tsuna wondered aloud to himself.
"You know, Tsunayoshi-kun, your sister actually has quite the impressive style," Mukuro noted, staring at the girl's fishnets and decorative chains with clear desire.
Tsuna, nerves on edge, slapped him.
"...thank you," Mukuro muttered, rubbing his offended cheek and resolutely shirking away from the completely out-of-character desire for everything Tsunako.
A/N: To be perfectly honest, I find my little comedy trio of Enma, Lussuria, and Fran completely endearing. XD And I have nothing against biker gangs, mostly because my best friend's lifelong dream is to join one and she keeps waxing poetic about it...
Yeah, so this will probably be five chapters. I blame PokéFan.
Drop a review, please!
