First off, we would like to apologize for the wait on this chapter, but also reassure you that the story is almost fully complete so the updates will be much quicker now! Second of all, we would like to thank everyone who followed, favorited, reviewed and read the first chapter! The response was awesome and we just hope you like the rest of it.
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Enjoy! – J and R
Chapter 2:
"Brittany." The resonance of the name as it falls from the tip of my tongue echoes off the acoustics in the loft. I mildly cringe at my lack of volume filter, but what's done is done and what's more, even if I have woken someone else up, they were bound to get up at some point anyway.
"Santana." Brittany returns my greeting a wide smile still displayed pleasantly across her face, her cheerful self still buoyant as ever.
I have to swallow back the lump that lodges in my throat at my lack of how to respond, and where to proceed from here. To say her sudden appearance is unexpected would be an immensely gross misstatement.
Despite my surprise and everything else running through my mind, I have at least not forgotten my manners, "Um…would you like to come in?" Okay they might be a little lacking, but give me a break here. The woman I've literally been in love with since I can remember is standing right in front of me, and I have absolutely no idea why.
Truth be told, as Brittany steps over the threshold of the doorway and into the loft, the only thing I can properly concur is that any reason she might be here is going to make me very nervous. For both good and bad reasons.
Typically when one of us shows up unannounced in front of the other, it's not always the most joyous of occasions. And I honestly never thought things would become so awkward and strained between us.
So many things have changed. I know I still love Brittany beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I know I still care about her greatly, but it's like there's something there that's stopping me from grasping for anything more.
If I had to guess, I'd say Brittany probably feels the same, we haven't really said much to each other since I helped her move her things into her dorm at Next House at the MIT campus back in May.
I don't realize that my body has traveled to the kitchen on autopilot and already retrieved a glass from the cupboard and the chocolate milk from the refrigerator. My lactose intolerance prevents me from drinking the stuff, but it's always been Brittany's favorite and I've always kept it on hand.
Just in case. As they say, habits are hard to break.
The look I glance in Brittany's eye when I offer her up the full glass tells me that she's just as surprised as I am at my actions. But when your life has revolved around the love of one very special person, it's hard to just forget the things you've always done for them without a second thought.
She clears her throat and takes the glass from my hand murmuring a quite "Thank you" and I nod like it's no big deal when really everything feels like it's falling apart and being put back together again inside of me.
Why is Brittany here (besides being called by the Hobbit)? Did Rachel tell her I was in trouble?
There are so many things I want to say and do and ask, but I just don't feel like I'm in the proper mindset yet. This whole situation has severely blindsided me, and I feel like I'm still picking my body up off the ground from where it unglamorously hit the turf.
Brittany takes a tentative sip from her glass, but I still hear the small satisfied hum that she releases as she swallows the milk. It makes something else inside of me prick.
"Brittany, not that it's not great to see you, but what exactly are you doing here?" I finally have to ask, even as my body vibrates with an unsteady hum of uncertainty.
The way she shifts uncomfortably immediately gives her away; she really has no idea what she's doing here and she expected me to know, or at least respond a lot differently than I currently am.
"I…Rachel called me," Brittany starts to say, her eyes darting around anywhere else but my own, "I thought that you were in trouble or something."
Typical Rachel, we've been through so much and she still has to meddle. One of my hands runs through my hair without a second thought, I need to get a hold of my thoughts before I say things that I regret and can't take back. We've both been there before and this is definitely not the time for it.
With a sigh and my gaze off to the left, I'm calm enough to proceed without taking out my warranted frustrations on Brittany. This isn't a product of her actions; in this case she's just the innocent bystander.
"Look Britt, I don't know what Rachel said to you, but…I'm okay and everything you know?"
Sometimes I wish that Brittany couldn't read me so well, because even with a straight face I know she still knows I'm lying. A dissatisfied sigh passes through her lips, pulling at my heartstrings because next to making Brittany cry, seeing her disappointed in me is the worst thing in the world.
I watch as Brittany sets her glass on the counter and her hands automatically reach towards me, but she stops herself before she actually touches my skin, her hands jerking back as her face flushes in embarrassment. I guess she's still got some old habits that are hard to break too. She rubs her hands up and down her own arms for a few seconds, a slight frown adorning her face, before she takes a deep breath and lifts her eyes to meet mine.
That translucent blue still makes my breath catch in my throat.
Then again, maybe that's just Brittany.
"You know I know you well enough Santana, to know when you're telling the truth or not." She starts with, and I falter a little because she's already figured me out, but apparently she's not done. "But, if you want to be here by yourself then I can respect that. I know that I probably should have called, but Rachel sounded so urgent and I just…I…" she pauses, her eyes dropping for a moment to the floor before she raises them again and I see they now shine with that 'just about to cry' gloss, "it was you Santana, I came for you because no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, you still mean so much to me, and I…I still love you San."
And there it is.
All the breath in my lungs suddenly escapes and I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. There are so many things that Brittany could say to me, but those words 'I still love you' are most certainly the ones that hit the hardest.
Before I even know what's happening I feel tears spilling from my eyes and running down my cheeks, and Brittany is quick to step in front of me. Her moves hesitant at first before she confidently wraps her long arms around my shoulders and pulls me into her body. My face instantly nuzzles into her chest, surrounded by the warmth of her embrace, and my arms are quick to snake around her waist and hold onto her too.
I feel Brittany coo softly in my ear as her hand strokes gently over my long hair that's cascading down my back in wild dark waves. It feels like every time ever when Brittany's held me the same way for one reason or another, and for a second I can forget just how loosely I've always been hanging on to my hope and just how closely I still teeter towards being okay when I'm without her.
There's a loud bang that comes from somewhere in the direction of my room and a muffled "Ow" that bursts the happy and content bubble that Brittany and I had allowed to form around us, and I hastily pull back from her, wiping desperately at the tears that stain my cheeks and avoiding eye contact with Brittany. I know it's wrong and I'm being selfish, but I'm still so caught off guard and trying to wrap my head around everything.
Five months away from Brittany and a tired conversation with Bevin the night before and I'd thought I'd moved closer to being okay. It turns out, I was shit out of luck the whole time. But still, jumping right back into it when the main obstacles between Brittany and I still haven't changed, being the distance and the fact we both have lives in different cities, would be too harsh of a situation to place either of us in again.
The remnants of last time still remain tugging at my heart, and I can't stand to lose Brittany to someone else again because I can't manage the distance and I get lost in neglecting her.
"Hey babe, why didn't you wake me?" Bevin's voice is suddenly traveling through the loft before she appears in front of me, and then Brittany turns around to look towards the source of the voice.
I balk at Bevin's poor timing for her very common usage of the word 'babe' when referring to anyone she's friends with. She literally uses the term for anyone she's known for more than a week, but unfortunately the look on Britt's face says she thinks it's being used in a non-platonic way.
Bevin quite obviously realizes her mistake when she takes in the presence of Brittany and shoots me an apologetic look over her shoulder.
"Uh hello, pardon my awkward." She then greets with a tiny wave.
"Bev, good morning." I finally break the tense silence and step up to Brittany, carefully placing my hand on her hip and trying not to let it get to me when I instantly feel her tense under the contact. I guess I deserve that in response to my own reaction just a few minutes ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
"Britt, this is my friend Bevin. Bevin, this is Brittany." I try to inform as cordially as possible.
Bevin's green eyes widen considerably at the mention of the name, "Wow, I thought this might be her but gosh Santana, she really is gorgeous."
Even though my face heats a little at Bevin's disclosure, I'm glad she said it. There's something that doesn't feel wrong about allowing Brittany to know that even when she's not here, the things I say about her are kind, and always true.
Out of the corner of my eye I see the confusion that flashes in Brittany's eyes, before the smallest of smiles plays at the corner of her mouth. I release a breath I hadn't realized I was holding when Brittany kindly reaches out and shakes Bevin's proffered hand.
"It's nice to finally meet the woman that Santana won't shut up about, Brittany."
I roll my eyes but smile lightly when a giggle escapes Brittany's lips.
"It's nice to meet you too, Bevin." Brittany greets back, as kind as always.
"Well, I'm sorry to cut this party short but I've got to get in to work. Earn that money," Bevin says and I quirk an eyebrow at her, something about her demeanor, and the slow pace with which she's going through the motions, makes me wonder what's going on in that crazy brain of hers. Finally she nods and then flashes Brittany a smile.
"Santana, can I borrow your jacket?"
"What? Oh yeah of course."
Bevin smiles and nods to me, "Thanks girl! So, " she starts to say as she lifts my leather jacket off of its position on the sofa and pushes her arms through the sleeves. As she sweeps her hair out from under the collar she glances back in first Brittany's direction quickly before my own. "You work at eleven right?"
I nod.
"Sweet, I'll see you in a little bit then. Nice meeting you Brittany!" And with that Bevin is out the door, leaving a lingering silence and peculiar atmosphere behind.
After enough minutes have passed, Brittany turns away from the door to face me. A curious look covers her face, and her bottom lips quivers in that way I know it does when she has a thought or question she's just dying to tell or ask me.
I smile softly, "What is it Britt?"
She chews on the inside of her cheek for a second in consideration before enlightening me, "So, she's a friend?"
My heart flips at her tone but I nod.
"A friend you talk about me with?"
This time it's my stomach that flips. Like my insides are competing in the fucking Olympics. I swallow nervously but nod again.
Brittany nods, she doesn't display it but I can tell she's happy about my answers, but then her attitude becomes more reserved and her eyes slant down to the floor where her shoe is toeing the ground.
"Is she…just a friend?"
I kind of had a feeling we would get to this question, and I have every intention of telling her everything when I step forward and open my mouth. To my most unfortunate well-being, Rachel 'Still Doesn't Have Much of a Filter" Berry makes her appearance known in the loft by letting out a vociferous squeal.
Even Brittany's eyes widen in alarm.
"Brittany! You're here!" Rachel shouts as she rounds the furniture in her way to deposit herself in Brittany's arms, arms that remain awkwardly flailing at Rachel's side as she obliviously grips her taller counterpart in an embrace.
Even over Rachel's shoulder, Brittany gives me a look. I've seen it before. It says 'I'm sorry, I didn't expect that' and I just smile at her and nod my head, my eyes telling her 'Don't worry, there will be a chance to continue talking once Berry is out of the way', in probably not as many words but I think that Brittany gets the point.
On the other hand, I have to keep up with your reign of bitchery, especially in regards to Rachel "Can't Mind Her Own Business" Berry.
"What do you mean 'you're here' Berry, you're the one who invited her. Might I say that was quite the unexpected surprise," I verbalize to Rachel with a lift of my brow and a stern purse of my lips. Rachel has seen that look enough to know it says 'While I'm happy to see Brittany, you should have told me' and even though her face colors in embarrassment and understanding, she still changes the subject.
"Don't you have to work soon Santana?"
My eyes scrunch, "That's not…" I start to say but then catch a glance of the clock and realize that I am in fact due at work in a good thirty minutes, and the job is a good twenty minutes out.
This time my eyes widen, "Shit!" I exclaim before I'm rushing back to my room and haphazardly throwing on a set of clothes that will just have to do, I try not to think about the fact I just wore them yesterday and Bevin's going to tease me relentlessly for it.
When I rush back into the kitchen area, purse and shoes in hand, Rachel appears to be animatedly talking to a not so intrigued Brittany. I halt before them.
"We're going to talk about this Berry," I say pointing a sharp finger at my short roommate, she grimaces in embarrassment but give a small nod of agreement. I turn to Brittany, "Britt, I'm so sorry I have to rush out now, if I could call in I would but with such short notice I'd be more likely to get fired."
Brittany smiles in acceptance, though it doesn't reach her eyes, and nods, "It's okay San, I should have called you and everything. I…I understand." She says sadly and I realize she thinks that I'm just kicking her out.
Stepping close to her I release a soft sigh, my hand coming to rest on the back of hers and I meet her eyes, "I get off at six tonight and if you'd like, I think we should talk then." I tell her softly and see the relief that floods her body.
She smiles, genuine this time, and nods again, "I'd like that."
I'm nodding back and leaning in before I even register my instinctive reactions, and I've already placed a soft kiss to her cheek before I can stop myself. With an shaky clear of my throat and a small incline of my head to let Brittany know that while I hadn't exactly intended to do that, I don't regret it and I'm turning around and walking out of the loft.
I'm partially thankful that I'll be able to spend the next several hours able to get inside my own head and think. I'm going to have a lot of things to talk about after I do.
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I'm only two minutes late as I scramble through the door of the low-key coffee shop and café that I work in with Bevin. The tips were great at the bar I used to work at, but the late hours cut into a lot of my dance and school time. And I had to leave the diner a few months ago because Dani still works there and I didn't want to have that awkward tension between us anytime we worked together.
The coffee shop isn't bad. We're busy enough to keep things going, but not crazy or over priced like other places around the city. Plus the owner's nice and she usually doesn't mind my lateness.
"Santana, how nice of you to join us!" Stephanie, the owner, calls as she comes from somewhere in the back. I guess I sighed in relief too early, thinking my lateness would slip by. I quickly rush behind the counter to put my things up and slip my apron on before coming back out onto the floor.
"I am so sorry Steph, I had unexpected company this morning that kind of threw everything off." I begin to apologize profusely even as I'm clocking in and washing my hands. I glance Bevin snickering over by the cash register and I shoot a pointed glare at her.
"You know I love you Santana, you're a hard worker and I respect what you do around here." Stephanie tells me as she stacks the last of the pastry items for the after morning/afternoon rush by the display case. Standing up straight, she places her hands on her hips and stares at me, "Just please try not to be late unless it's a very serious emergency."
I nod furiously, "I won't be. Thank you."
Stephanie nods at both Bevin and I before retreating to the back to continue her owner duties or whatever, knowing that the two of us can easily handle the floor. As soon as she's gone and I'm working on filling the pastry case with the fresh product, I see Bevin step up to my side, leaning into the counter and waiting for me to speak about the one thing I'm not really sure if I'm ready to speak about yet.
I purposefully ignore her, doing everything I can for the next thirty minutes to avoid the inevitable before the café slide's off into it's down period that will go on until the lunch time rush around twelve thirty. I no longer have any way to avoid this.
"I know what you're doing."
"Well good, then we can make this whole thing easier."
Bevin's hands find her hips, "You're not even going to talk about it? This is Brittany. Last night, that was all we talked about."
"That was not all we talked about," I shoot her a frustrated look but she still calls my bullshit. I sigh and my shoulders deflate, "Last night I got really drunk and talked about something that was on my chest, I didn't expect the actual subject of that conversation to show up at my door the next morning."
My friend nods in understanding, adjusting her stance so that she's still leaning against the counter, but now her hands are folded across her chest. A thoughtful look appears on her face for a brief second before it's gone and replaced by patience.
She's biting her lip before she speaks, "Okay so you have absolutely no idea why she's here?
I shake my head in the negative.
"But as far as you know, there's nothing wrong with her, she just…came here for you?"
This time my head bobs in the affirmative, "Apparently my lovely roommate with the big mouth, of the female variety," I clarify when I get a raised eyebrow from Bevin, "decided that it would be best for Brittany to come down here because she thinks that I am not coping well or that I need help or something."
"Do you?"
This catches me off guard, I mean there are a lot of confusing things going on but that's supposed to all be about adulthood. I'm supposed to be learning on my own and making mistakes and what not. But things just keep coming back and rotating around Brittany.
It shouldn't surprise me. I've built my life around her after all. But it's not only fair to myself but to both of us if I figure things out before I dive into anything. Figure out what I want and how I can have it before I wreck my heart again, or Brittany's heart.
"I don't know…maybe?" I answer, but even then my head is shaking, "But I don't know if Brittany's the one I need to talk to about it when it partially involves Brittany."
Bevin bobs her head in understanding, gnawing on her bottom lip as she contemplates something in her mind. She runs a hand through her long curly locks and her green eyes shift over to the counter before they lock back on my brown ones.
"Can I ask you something?"
I nod.
"Do you…I mean obviously you still have feelings for Brittany, and I know you probably always will but you tried with Dani for a while, and you've been on other dates since then."
"Yeah and they've all been horrible disasters, you know this, I've told you about every single one."
She smiles, "Yeah I know. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to say."
Bevin trails off but I don't follow. She takes a deep breath.
"I'm trying to ask you, Santana, if you and Brittany don't end up getting back together or whatever this time, right now, are you going to give someone else a chance?"
Suddenly I think I know where she's going with this, but before I can open my mouth to say anything, most of which I don't know what I'd say, Bevin speaks up again.
"Because I know I've told you that we're great as friends, you're one of the best I've ever had Santana, but I'm still attracted to you and maybe, I don't know, maybe I could be your right now if Brittany couldn't be."
I find that my heart has dropped to my stomach. I don't think it's out of fear, actually I think a part of me was waiting for this. After all, Bevin has danced around that topic since we met, and she's been so patient with everything and kind about it all. She's been a wonderful friend and I can't deny that she's attractive and that we get along really well.
But I've always just been too scared to think about it more. I've always been too scared of upsetting Brittany or not making myself available for when she's ready or able. Which is silly, I know but again; built my life around her.
"I don't know Bevin, you're…I mean you're basically my best friend here."
"And you and Brittany started out as best friends."
I hesitate, but I can't deny the truth.
"I do like you Bevin."
She steps forward and puts a hand on my arm, halting me from further speech, "Okay, that's kind of all I needed to hear." She says with a smile, "I don't want to force you into thinking too much about it right now, I just…I want you to know that if you can or can't figure out things with Brittany, I'm here for you in whatever way."
My eyes meet green again and I take in a breath, she's so selfless right now. I have to admit that if I didn't know Brittany, if she wasn't absolutely everything I knew that I'd ever want or need, and if she hadn't been my rock for so long, and my candle and my escape, I could see myself with Bevin.
I guess the only thing left to do, is talk to Brittany about everything and actually see where we stand. The only thing about it all is no matter what, someone gets hurt, and that's always the worst thing to think about.
"I appreciate that Bevin, and I think I know what I have to do to make this fair on everyone."
Through a rush hour shift and beyond, my mind is turning with things that I know I have to, that I want to, discuss and figure out with Brittany.
She's always been the best thing that's ever been mine, and I have to know where I stand with the possibility of having her now, or letting her go until I can.
So the third chapter should be up within the next day or so. And so you are all aware, this story is probably going to be about 6 chapters long total with the Epilogue. But the chapters will be close to 5K each so there's still a good chunk of story! Thanks again, leave your thoughts if you'd like. If not, we appreciate you reading!
Review responses:
Guest (10/7): sorry to disappoint you but we are both avid Brittana shippers and the closest this will get to Dantana is the mention of Dani's name.
Blueskkies: Thank you! We hope you enjoy the rest of it!
brittsgirl (guest): You are correct! But thankfully, Santana is a little distracted to be too mad at Rachel. We appreciate your support (and observations!)
LeighKelly: Hope you were able to patch up your mind after that explosion. We're going to try our hardest to live up to your expectations! The support is definitely a blessing from you!
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