Did I say this was a two-shot? Sorry. I meant THREE-shot. Yeah. I tried to reign it in but... I couldn't = P
December 23rd, 2011
The day after was... uncomfortable.
After Santana and I had sex, we just detached from each other's bodies and went to sleep. Neither of us said anything.
And when I woke up in the morning, she was gone. Not just out of bed gone, like really gone. She wasn't even in the house.
I didn't know what to do with myself. So I went for a run on the treadmill, took a long bath, did some overdue laundry and sorted the DVD's in the bookshelf into alphabetical order... then by genre... then by year... then by how much I liked them. Eventually I gave up trying to distract myself, put Beauty and the Beast on quietly in the background, and slumped on the couch to have a nap.
Of course, trying to sleep when my mind was buzzing with thought was pointless.
Santana and I slept together.
My step-sister, Santana, took my virginity last night.
It was mind-boggling and I wondered for a while if it had all been a dream.
But no. It was definitely real. I remembered exactly how it felt to have her body up against mine, her lips on my skin and her fingers inside of me. I remembered every tiny detail, down to the way her hair tickled my face and her ankle dug into my back when she came.
It was like there were so many things to feel confused about that I wasn't even sure where to start. For a while, I felt a little like crying because I'd given away such an intimate part of myself and it all happened so fast I barely even got the chance to think about it.
But really, it could have gone worse. I know that a lot of people have terrible first times. And that was definitely not terrible… not even close.
At the same time, I kind of got the urge to call up one of my friends just to boast about the fact that I was no longer holding the dreaded V-card... and to be honest, flaunt about the whole experience being freakin' amazing and insanely hot.
Of course I couldn't, and more importantly, I wouldn't ever do that. It was just a random thought. I wasn't the sort of girl who was all superficial and tried to show off like that. Actually, I wasn't even sure if having sex was really something to be proud of... or if everyone was just running around saying they did it to seem cool.
Also, it's not like I could ever tell anyone that it was Santana I'd been with. I'm pretty sure people would think I was insane and weird and gross and try to burn me at the stake for even thinking about my step-sister that way.
But that train of thought raised a whole other issue that I definitely didn't want to get into just yet.
The flurry of emotions was already making me queasy.
And when I was teetering on the verge of outright panic, torn between feeling empty, scared and oddly proud of what happened, Santana decided to come home.
"Hey." She called out nonchalantly as she sauntered through the door.
I sat bolt upright on the couch and stared at her. "Where did you go?"
She didn't even bother to stop and look at me as she made her way past the kitchen and up the stairs. "Out."
I scrambled from my seat and followed her. "Wait. I think we should talk about what happened last night."
She swung open our bedroom door and took a seat on her bed. "Don't wanna talk."
Gaping at her, I wasn't sure whether to yell or breathe a small sigh of relief that she wasn't calling me crazy and denying that anything had happened at all. "What?"
For the first time since she'd arrived home, her dark eyes met mine. "I said, not now Britt. Okay?" Her tone was warning and harsh.
I glared, my teeth clenching slightly in anger. "Why not?"
"Will you just fucking drop it? I am not in the mood right now." Santana rolled her eyes, exasperated.
I knew I had two options at that point. One, get into a ridiculous fight about her being a stubborn, cold, heartless bitch and end up with no answers as to why she found her way into my bed last night and what that meant for us. Two, let it go for now and confront her later when things had cooled down a bit... and still get no answers but at least avoid a heated confrontation.
I sighed and bit my tongue. "Fine. Whatever." I stormed out of the room and went back downstairs.
Dad and Maribel got home not long after that and I just acted like nothing was wrong. I'm pretty sure they bought it.
They can never find out what we did.
I'm not exactly sure what the punishment is for getting it on with your step-sister. But I can't handle trying to figure that out right now.
If Santana wants to be difficult, I'm totally going to sleep on the couch tonight. And maybe tomorrow night too. I don't even care that it's Christmas. Santa can deal. He's magic after all... so he can just figure it out.
December 24th, 2011
After an uncomfortable night on the lumpy, scratchy couch left me with hardly any sleep but plenty of time to think, I realized I had to calm down. I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with Santana if I was going to act just as stubborn and avoid-y as she was. I needed to keep trying or things were only going to get worse.
And even though I said I didn't yesterday, I really do care that it's Christmas.
Nobody should be fighting at Christmas time.
Luckily, Dad and Maribel wanted to spend the holidays with just the four of us. 'Family bonding' or whatever since it was the first time we'd be sharing the occasion together and in the same house. So tonight, after the food had been eaten and the lame Christmas movies had been watched, I went to join Santana in our bedroom.
She was sitting on her bed, as usual, iPod headphones tucked into her ears.
"Hey." I said quietly, shutting the door behind me.
She raised an eyebrow and removed one bud to hear what I was saying.
"Do you mind if I hang out in here?"
"No. It's your room too." Her voice sounded small. Not at all like the snapping defensiveness from the day before.
I nodded and lay down on my own bed, flicking on the TV we had set up in the corner. Whatever made her have a change of heart, I was thankful. It was at least a small step in the right direction.
After about fifteen minutes of mindless channel surfing, I caught movement out the corner of my eye.
Santana was slithering her way onto my bed and crawling up next to me.
I was so shocked that I couldn't even move.
"What are you doing?" I asked nervously when she swung a leg over my hip and straddled me.
"Sorry if I was... harsh yesterday." She purred, leaning down close to my face. "I think I was PMS-ing pretty bad."
My heart was beating fast again and I could practically taste her sweet breath on my lips. There was something about the way she spoke that was almost too nice... too apologetic.
It gave me the unsettling feeling that this was all just a big game to her. The fighting, the teasing... maybe even the sex.
"Santana, no. You need to get off of me."
"Why baby?" She ran a delicate finger down the side of my neck and smirked. "I know that you liked what we did the other night just as much as I did."
Despite myself, I shuddered. There was something so wrong about her calling me baby and yet I knew I had enjoyed it all the same. "This isn't right."
"Because our parents are right down the hall and could walk in at any moment?" She lowered her head and nipped at my earlobe.
My hands instinctively reached for her hips and squeezed lightly. "Yes... And we're supposed to be sisters... and that's totally not normal."
"Who says?"
"Duh... everyone."
"Fuck 'em." She laughed breathily, dropping a few kisses along my jaw.
If our parents being married weren't enough reason for me to feel like I should stop her, there was also the fact that it was entirely possible that Santana was just messing with me for some cheap thrill. I wouldn't put it passed her to make me her 'newest conquest'. And it's not like she'd given me any reason to think otherwise.
But try telling that to my raging teenage sex drive.
The feel of Santana on top of me and beneath my fingers was just so damn tempting and with each teasing touch and press of her hips, I felt my resolve crumbling.
I mean, come on. Can you blame me? There was an extremely hot girl sitting on top of me, offering to give me orgasms right after I'd gotten a taste of how amazingly awesome sex could be... I'd have to have the self-discipline of one of those super religious, Karate-chopping monks not to give in.
My brain warned me to shove her off, to demand she explain why she was doing this.
But my body wriggled impatiently and asked does it even matter?
When her hand snuck underneath my t-shirt and starting groping at my breast, I knew it was a lost cause.
I groaned and dug my head back into the pillow. I could worry about Santana's motives after we finished getting all up in each other's business.
"That's my girl." She smirked above me.
Was it even possible to feel this annoyed and this attracted to someone at the same time?
I pawed at her hips when her mouth returned to my neck. I knew her insistent sucking would leave some very obvious marks… Marks that I would have to explain away if either of our parents saw.
But I didn't protest. Tugging at the bottom of her shirt, I waited for her to get the hint and allow me to lift it over her head. When she was hovering above me, breasts bared and heaving as she swallowed deep breaths, I took my chance. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around her, lowering my lips to her dark pink nipple.
It was her turn to whimper and knot her hands in my hair.
Even if I was pretty new to it all, I could tell from her reactions that I was at least doing something right. I smirked against her skin and tugged carefully at the taut bud with my teeth.
I heard my name in her heavy gasp and I practically melted.
But I tried not to let her see that. Not when I was just getting the upper hand in our little battle for dominance and bragging rights.
With my tongue still swirling around her nipple, I slid one of my hands down her spine, tickling over each ridge gently along the way, until I got to her pajama bottoms. My fingertips played at the elastic for a few moments before dragging them down, along with her underwear, just enough so that I could grope at her ass.
I wasn't exactly intending to take her pants off. My brain hadn't gotten that far yet. But apparently that was how she took it.
Pulling away from our tight embrace, she discarded the rest of her clothes and set about hastily removing my own.
I was frozen in shock as she stripped me down, the light in our bedroom suddenly becoming far too bright and unforgiving.
Santana could see everything this time, all of me, and a hot blush spread across my cheeks, up to the tips of my ears and all the way down my neck.
Once she had thrown the last of my clothing haphazardly to the floor behind her, she sat kneeling between my slightly spread legs and grinned seductively at me.
"So… how do you want me this time?" She teased, dropping forward onto her hands gracefully and crawling over me.
I couldn't reply. My heart was hammering against my ribcage. My eyes weren't sure what to focus on… the wicked glint in her eyes, the subtle shine of her lips, the weighty curve of her breasts… No.
I unconsciously looked down her body, gaze tracing the incredibly sexy v-cut of her stomach and hips, shivering when I watched her thigh glide up between both of my own and her centre make contact with my skin. Wet heat quickly coated my upper leg and my fingertips shot up to grasp at her sides.
This was so much more intimate than the last time. I could feel every inch of her on me. I could see everything that she was doing. The way our bodies molded and fit together… it sent my head into a spin.
Her warm breath was at my ear again. "You're so fucking hot, Britt. I want you so much right now." She punctuated it with a firm grind of her hips and a hand skirting up my stomach to pinch at my nipple.
I groaned, digging my nails into her shoulder blade and biting down on her collarbone.
I could feel my own heat soaking her thigh. It was perfectly angled into me, with the right amount pressure… and every time she surged forward, I unravelled just a tiny bit more.
It might have been winter but the air around us was anything but cold as we exchanged thrusts of our lower bodies and our lips met for rushed kisses with desperate, battling tongue.
When our movements became more wild and jerky, and I felt myself inching closer to the edge, I half-wondered if Santana might snake a hand between our bodies so that she could touch me again.
I knew I shouldn't have wanted that. But I really, really did.
Instead, she broke our blistering kiss and shifted down my body.
Before I even realized what was happening, her mouth was on me, licking at my center, skimming lightly over my clit.
"Fuck!" I cried out before I control myself.
So much for not being prone to swearing.
I just couldn't stop it though. Santana's tongue felt amazing. Better than anything I could have ever imagined. My hands instantly tangled in her dark hair and pulled her face closer. Goosebumps rose all over my body as her arms wrapped around my thighs and she held my hips down to the bed.
Her tongue danced deft circles and patterns across my clit and with every change in pressure and speed, I felt myself on the verge of something so much bigger than I could even begin to describe.
I already thought Santana's fingers were magic... but they were certainly no match for her tongue.
I whimpered and moaned and clawed at the sheets with my toes, the muscles in my body tense and rippling with anticipation. Every now and then she would dip her tongue down and slide it inside of me, just to make me thrash even more.
I risked a glance down at her and if the sight of her head between my legs wasn't enough to send me crashing into ecstasy, her hips grinding into her own hand certainly did the trick.
Then, like she could sense that I was already falling, she swiftly replaced her tongue with her fingers, thrusting quick and hard while she licked roughly at my clit.
The earthquake from the first time felt like a tiny tremor compared to this. I soared and looped, clenching around her fingers and letting out a deep groan from my throat that made me blush even as my brain turned to goo. My hips lifted high off the bed and bucked uncontrollably into her face.
I wanted to feel embarrassed by my reaction.
But she didn't even give me the chance.
Right when I thought the tidal waves were through, she pulled out and pushed back into me sharply and unexpectedly, flicking her tongue over my clit.
Just like that I was coming apart again.
And this time, she joined me. Through the haze of my own pleasure, I felt more than heard the vibrations of her eager moan against my core.
The thought of her getting off to watching me come just made everything that much better.
By the time I was finally finished shaking, I realized that she had moved out from between my legs, turned off the light and was now climbing under the covers next to me.
The thin layer of sweat on her skin glimmered in the faint moonlight streaming through our window. I had no idea what to say or do and I was terrified of making the wrong move. So I just lay there.
When our breathing had quietened completely and I was about ready to give up trying to sort things out in my head and go to sleep, my heart skipped a beat when she reached over and linked our pinkies together.
A tiny smile crept onto my lips.
It may not have been much, but it was definitely something. And it comforted me enough to fall into a grateful, satiated sleep.
December 25th, 2011
This morning, I woke up naked in Santana's arms.
Our legs were twined together and her lips were pressed into my shoulder. We must have shifted closer during the night.
I don't know why she didn't sneak out and leave like the time before. But I'm also not sure what was worse – the panic of cold sheets and an empty space beside me, or the utter confusion that set in after my heart leapt at the sight of our bodies tangled up so perfectly.
I squirmed under her weight, both afraid of what her staying meant and what I felt after waking up next to her, the memories of last night still so fresh and lapping at my brain.
Then, an even worse thought. The door wasn't locked. Either of our parents could have walked in and seen us sleeping naked with each other.
That was enough to make my stomach clench and force my limbs to begin shifting carelessly away from Santana to get dressed.
Her eyes fluttered open as I climbed out of bed and her stare followed me across the room as I grabbed a t-shirt and a new set of underwear from my drawers. For a split second, I thought I saw something on her face that looked like happiness. She gave a tiny smile, gaze soft and admiring.
But then, she caught herself, coughed uncomfortably, and it was gone, expression back to its practiced stoic guard.
"Why are you up so early?" The question was completely lacking emotion. She yawned and pulled the covers up high on her neck.
I hesitated for a moment. "Umm… it's Christmas. I want to see what Santa brought me." I called over my shoulder as I dressed.
"Is that so?" She arched an eyebrow at me. It was questioning but not really mocking. That surprised me. I expected some kind of smartass remark.
"Yeah." I answered, tugging on a pair of sweatpants to finish covering myself.
When I turned back towards her, she was smiling again. Not hard and cocky like when we were fighting. Not even predatory like when she was trying to convince me to have sex with her again.
Just a smile.
It was confusing as hell.
"So I'll… uh… I'll see you down there." I said quietly, making a bee-line for the door and closing it behind me on my way out.
What was this girl doing to me? I mean, even last night, I could have sworn that she was just taunting me, using me. But now… I don't know. How can one look and one smile say so much? And then there was that little pinky link. What was that all about?
I just… I know I'm not imagining things. I know that there's something going with her that's not just trying to get into my pants and mess with my sanity.
There has to be.
When I got downstairs, Maribel and Dad were already making breakfast in the kitchen. They both gave me a kiss and a hug and said Merry Christmas. I returned it with a smile, grabbed myself a glass of juice and skipped out to the living room.
I figured if I let my excitement over getting presents win out over all that other stuff, I might be okay.
Santa brought me some really cool stuff – a limited edition DVD box set of all the Toy Story movies, a pair of pink and purple Nike high-tops and a HUGE jar of jellybeans, all watermelon flavored. My favorite.
Dad and Maribel also got me an awesome pair of headphones that were made specifically for dancers and athletes. Something about being shock resistant, lightweight and form fitting so that when I do flips and stuff, they won't fall off. Not sure what all that means, but I thought they were pretty damn sweet either way. And they surprised me with that super cute Unicorn plushie I saw once at the store but felt kinda silly buying for myself.
It got semi-awkward when Santana eventually came downstairs to join us and I gave her the present I bought her.
I don't think she was expecting me to get her anything. Her eyebrows scrunched up and she just blinked at me a few times before accepting it.
Even if things were weird between us when I bought it (even more so now), I knew it was the right thing to do if we were going to be family. Since I didn't have much money because cheerleading and dance took up most of my spare time and didn't allow for a part-time job, I just got her this dumb set of passionfruit bath bombs and scented soaps.
I had no idea if she'd like it or not. But with a limited budget and not a whole heap of insight on what sorta stuff she was into, it was the best gift I could think of.
She gave a brief smile when she unwrapped it and muttered a quiet thank you, before reaching beneath the tree and handing me a small package too.
Through my own shock, I could feel both Dad and Maribel's eyes on me. They were clearly over the moon to see us behaving like normal, civilized people for once. But thankfully, after a moment of tense silence, the oven-timer in the kitchen beeped and they both went off to investigate, giving us some time alone.
I was insanely grateful for their tact.
"Merry Christmas Britt." Santana said, shuffling her feet on the carpet. I wasn't quite sure if that was her being nervous or trying to act like the whole exchange was boring her and she didn't care.
But then she leant up and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before spinning on her heel and leaving the room.
I was super confused. I was blushing. And I couldn't believe that she had known to get me a pair of the warmest, snuggliest socks ever, covered in little yellow ducks.
I had no idea she was paying that much attention to the kind of things I wore and liked.
And with that flicker of hope, I found myself wanting to see Santana in a whole new way.
December 29th, 2011
This winter break has been the weirdest, most baffling, most exciting, most terrifying time of my life.
Santana and I have been hanging out more the last few days. We mostly watch TV together and share distracted conversation while we're both on our laptops. And sometimes, she links my pinky with hers and grins like we both know the most wonderful secret in the world.
Times like that, I am crazy happy. And everything just feels so… right.
I don't think I can pinpoint exactly how we went from bitching and hating on each other to this calm truce we have now... It was pretty gradual. I mean, don't get me wrong, we're not BFFS or anything… and it can still get hell awkward sometimes. Actually, pretty much just after we get carried away and have sex.
Like yesterday, when Santana snuck into the shower with me and I nearly blew our cover when I screamed in surprise like a seven-year old girl.
Maribel even knocked on the door to ask me if I was okay and I had to pretend like everything was fine, even though Santana's warm, slippery body was grinding against me and she was nibbling on my earlobe.
Or the day before when Dad and Maribel went to the store and we were sitting next to each other on the couch downstairs with a huge blanket draped over us. We were kinda far apart at first, but then Santana scooted over and started teasing me through my sweatpants until I eventually gave in and we ended up finishing just before the front door swung open.
Thankfully we didn't get undressed before we got it on that time…
Anyway, when stuff like that happens, things can get pretty uncomfortable.
Because I always fight her in the beginning. And I always fight myself. I say that we shouldn't, that it's wrong, that someone could catch us. I tell myself that Santana's not really into me like that and it's all just fun and games to her.
But then I can't hold back.
We're like two magnets. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting pulled to her by this strange, electric force. It's practically in my bones. I feel helpless to stop it.
Then afterwards, when we're both panting and weak, the silence is deafening. I'm too scared to ask her all the questions that are bubbling in my brain. And at the same time, I'm even more worried that if I let things keep going the way they are, it'll only end up being worse and I'm going to get really hurt…
Because honestly… I think I'm sorta, maybe, kinda, just a tiny bit falling for her. I know it's ridiculous. I know I said that I hated her before. But… the way she's been making me feel lately, tingly and ache-y in the best way imaginable, it must be something more than just sex. She doesn't seem like such an annoying, spoiled brat anymore. She's softer.
She gave me a Christmas present. She makes really funny jokes when we're hanging out. And the way she looks at me sometimes and says my name makes me feel like… Ugh. I don't know.
I could be dreaming. I could be freakin' delirious. I have no clue. But I need to find out how she feels.
I need to.
And it's these thoughts that made me push her away when she locked our bedroom door this afternoon and slithered on top of me with a deliberate smirk.
"Santana, stop. We need to talk."
"Talk about what?" She replied distractedly, kissing at the spot beneath my ear and making me shudder despite my resolve.
I grabbed her shoulders and made her look me in the eye. "About this... About us."
Her eyes instantly hardened and she shrugged out of my touch, moving to sit back on the bed. "There is no us."
My eyebrows furrowed together. "What are you talking about? We've been… you know…" I stared at her meaningfully and gestured back and forth between us, hoping she'd get the picture.
"It's just sex. Sex doesn't mean anything." She looked away and I could tell straight away that she was lying.
"Yes it does. You know it does... And this isn't just sex either. Something else is going on here. I'm not stupid." I insisted.
"Seriously B?" She raised a challenging eyebrow at me and I cringed slightly at the return of the nickname she used once upon a time to get on my nerves. "What did you think was gonna happen? We were gonna get married and have lady babies? We're step-sisters for fuck's sake." She folded her arms across her chest defiantly.
I rolled my eyes at her. "I know that. In case you forgot, I'm the one that keeps reminding you of that."
"Yeah well, it doesn't change anything." She shrugged. "I needed to get my mack on and… you were there. Win-win."
Something lurched inside of me and I felt sick. It was all of my worst fears confirmed. "So that's all I am to you? Just a body to keep you warm at night? Just some joke?"
She didn't respond. She just kept her eyes away from mine and tightened her jaw.
I felt myself choking up quickly, already on the brink of tears.
"Fuck you, Santana. How dare you… you… use me like that?" I furiously swiped at a stray tear that had managed to fall down my cheek. "Did you know I was a virgin the first time we had sex? Huh?"
Her eyes darted back up to mine and her mouth dropped open. "Brittany I… I had no idea… I-"
"No. You know what? Save it. That's not the point... And to be honest, I don't even really care." It was true. I'm not actually that phased that Santana was my first. It's not that big of a deal. I just wanted her to know… and maybe I wanted to throw it in her face to make her feel a little bit guilty too.
Hey, I'm not perfect.
"I care though! Brittany, I never would have done that if I knew." She shuffled over and took my face in her hands. "I'm so sorry. It was totally wrong of me."
"Whatever." I sniffled, refusing to make eye-contact with her and hating myself for being so pathetic.
"Britt... look at me." She begged softly. "Please?"
I sighed in frustration but complied anyway.
Her eyes were much softer than they had been a few moments ago. She took a deep breath and gave me a hesitant smile. "You're right. It's not just sex."
I could only blink and swallow thickly as I waited for her to continue.
"I guess you noticed that I haven't been sneaking out with random girls anymore?"
I nodded feebly. I had noticed. But I just thought maybe all her lady friends were busy because it was Christmas time…
"I…" She let out a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes together for a second. "I can't explain it… All that stuff - partying, hanging out with those girls, doing shit that could get me into serious trouble just to impress them… it used to be the perfect distraction… it used to make me feel like a top bitch. Like I was awesome and everybody else sucked." She laughed bitterly. "But I'm not… And the only one brave enough to stand up to me and say that was you."
I scrunched my nose up. "What do you mean?"
She released my face and looked down nervously. "I don't know exactly what's going on here… It's scary and big and… I've known that something was up for a lot longer than I wanna admit." She paused and fiddled with her hands a bit before she went on. "And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I fight against it and convince myself that I'm not supposed to have these feelings because our parents are married… there's just something about you. You challenge me… And sometimes you drive me pretty crazy." She glanced up at me with a hint of laughter in her eyes.
I chewed on my bottom lip while her words settled over us.
I wasn't exactly sure what she was trying to tell me.
"But if you like me so much, and you have for a long time, then why were you acting like such a bitch?"
"Apart from not wanting my Mom to get re-married and having to move in with people I barely knew?" Santana ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "I guess I resented the situation… I didn't want to feel attracted to you. I didn't want to think about you that way. I knew it was wrong."
"Did you… always feel like that?"
She shook her head. "No. Not at first… In the beginning, I really just didn't like you. I thought you were kinda weird." She smirked playfully at me and I couldn't help but grin back. "And I was really angry at my Mom for forcing me into this."
I frowned, understanding the feeling.
"But then, after a few months… I don't know." Her face twisted in thought. "I just couldn't stop staring at you… and thinking about you… and then I started picking fights with you just so you would talk to me."
"I thought you hated me." I pouted.
"No. I just… I didn't want you to figure out how I felt about you." Santana shuffled forward and took my hand. "Everything about you… it captivates me, Britt. I'm not going to pretend I understand it… And I probably sound crazy trying to explain it now. It just… is."
We sat there for a long time, not saying anything, and I did my best to take in her heartfelt admission, trying to get all the new information to fit in with the old memories of our time together. It was hard to believe that Santana was suddenly being so open and honest with me. I guess finding out that she took my virginity without even realizing it really got her attention.
"By the way… I'm sorry I ran off the morning after the first time we…" She trailed off. "I was just scared."
I nodded in acknowledgement. "I know."
"And I never would have gotten into your bed that night if I knew you were a virgin, Britt. I swear." She said earnestly. "But I still don't regret what happened between us… I did what I did because… You're sorta irresistible to me." She winked and I giggled quietly. "I just can't seem to control myself around you no matter how hard I try… I like you… a lot. And I never should have made you feel so horrible just because I was afraid of how I felt and didn't want you to think I was a freak for feeling it." She shook her head at herself and laughed dryly. "Fuck, when did I become such a fucking sap?"
I smiled gently. "You're not a freak. And I like super sweet, sappy Santana. Even if I am kinda getting a toothache now."
She laughed and brushed away some hair that had fallen in front of my face. "So… now that you know… what do you, uh… what do you think?"
It was strange seeing Santana look so small and hopeful. And I couldn't deny that I found the vulnerability incredibly endearing.
But all of that warm and fuzzy was still a giant shock to my system after I'd spent so long being suspicious of her.
Even if I had been getting small glimpses of Santana's softer side lately, she'd done a great job of cementing herself in my mind as callous, conniving and selfish during our first few months together. And it was going to be hard to completely break the mould that was cast by that initial impression.
And there was no question that her motives in all this were still pretty manipulative, even if they weren't for the reasons that I had originally guessed.
So her confession didn't exactly make up for everything… But at least she'd been remorseful and sincere.
I knew I had to allow myself some time to let everything sink in. To get used to the idea of Santana actually liking me and not just toying with me for fun. To work out how I really felt about her and what that would mean for us in the long run.
"Can I think about it?" I asked her unsurely.
She looked hurt, so I went on.
"It's like I can only see half the puzzle… and I need a chance to figure out where the rest of the pieces go."
Santana swallowed and nodded her head slowly. "Yeah. Okay. I get that."
"Cool." I gave her a gentle peck on the cheek and went outside to gather my thoughts.
December 31st, 2011
It's been two days since Santana spilled the beans about what was really going on inside her head and I'm not sure if it's better or worse now.
Things are still pretty awkward... but for an entirely different reason.
She's waiting for my answer. She wants to know if I feel the same way that she does. If I like her as more than a semi-friend, impartial roommate and sometimes orgasm-buddy.
And even though I've been thinking about it really hard, I'm just not sure what I'm going to say.
I've always thought that she's absolutely, stunning-ly beautiful. And now, after we've spent some time together that all wasn't yelling and complaining, I can also see how funny and smart and interesting she is.
What's more, when I look back on our arguments and remember how angry she could get me, I don't feel the frustration that was once there.
I only remember the fire in her eyes. The passion. It gives me this strange, exciting tingle in my chest. Nobody's ever made me snap like that before. Nobody's ever made me feel that much heat.
Is it wrong if I find her bad temper kinda sexy?
But then, when I think that yeah, maybe I do want Santana and I have really fallen for her and we could actually build something special, I have to remind myself that our situation is totally screwed up.
How could we ever be together? Our parents would freak. My friends would freak. The entire town would freak.
It would be a nightmare.
And when she stared at me with that same questioning gaze while I got ready for the New Year's Eve party I was supposed to be heading to tonight, I sighed and spun around to inform her of just that.
"Santana... I know you want me to say that I like you too... But I really just don't know what to tell you."
Her brow creased and she looked down at her hands. "Is that a no?"
I bit my lip and shook my head. "No... It's a 'we can't even if I wanted to.'"
"So you don't want to?"
"I don't know!" I huffed. "Maybe? I'm confused."
"B, if you like me, who cares what people think?"
I gaped at her. "You're joking right? You really want to go and tell our parents and family and friends that we're sleeping together and want to be a couple? You could handle that?"
Santana gave a defeated shrug and breathed out heavily. "What else are we supposed to do?"
I knew she had a point. If we both had more-than-sisterly feelings for each other, we couldn't just go back to the way things were before.
And, even if I was seriously mixed up and conflicted, I knew it would be a lie if I said I planned to discontinue our secret little rendezvous. The way Santana made me feel was just far too amazing... and I definitely didn't have that much restraint.
"I'm not sure." I offered quietly.
I moved from my spot in front of the mirror to sit down beside her on the bed.
"I can't just pretend that I don't wanna be with you. I've never felt this way about anyone before." She whispered.
I glanced over at her, half-hiding behind my hair. "Really?"
She grinned in amusement. "Yes really."
"What do you feel?"
She scooted over and slipped her hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. "You're like no-one I've ever met, Brittany. You're sexy and cute and sweet and everything that's good in this crazy, messed up world."
"But we still get on each other's nerves sometimes."
"So? Who doesn't?" She smiled knowingly. "Besides... I like that you don't take my crap."
"Me too." I squeezed her hand in mine. "You can be giant pain in the butt."
Santana laughed lightly. "That's why I need you around to put me in my place."
I nodded excitedly. But then another question popped into my mind and I needed to be sure. "You really don't think I'm just a stupid cheerleader?"
She shook her head adamantly. "Definitely not."
"Good." I smiled. "Because I don't think you're a slutty bitchface anymore either."
"I'm glad." She chuckled and pulled me in for a tight hug. We stayed like that for a long moment. Eventually though, I felt her whisper against my neck. "Do you need a lift to your party? I can drive you if you like."
My smile got even bigger as I pressed my face into her hair. She smelled so good. And being in her arms was making me feel all kinds of safe and happy. I might not have had any idea where this situation was headed in the future but I knew in that moment I couldn't think of anything worse than being apart from her right now. "Nah... I don't feel like going out so much anymore."
If I could have seen her face, I was sure her eyebrow would have jumped up in question. "Oh yeah? What do you wanna do instead?"
I finally withdrew from the warmth of her hug and leant over to place a light kiss on her lips. "Well if you think I'm sooo awesome, I'm sure you won't have any problems whatsoever if I asked you to snuggle and watch Alice in Wonderland with me..."
Santana groaned a bit. "The Disney one or the remake with Johnny Depp?"
I made a face. "Duh. The Disney one silly."
She rolled her eyes but smiled. "Don't you wanna do something more exciting? It is New Years Eve after all."
I just grinned and pushed at her shoulders so that she was lying flat on her back before climbing on top of her.
"Nope. I'm pretty sure this is exactly where I want to be."
Can I just say, I am absolutely astounded at how many people reviewed/alerted/favorited the last chapter. Seriously, mind BLOWN. I had no idea this subject would be so popular!
Thank you guys so much! I'm really glad you're all liking this little trip to taboo town. Look out for Part 3 soon!
