A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to update. Sometimes life gets in the way. Also someone said something about Rick hiding Loksat from Kate (Ep 8x15). Well this is AU after 8/7 so that didn't necessarily happen…now on to the story

/

Christmas had come and gone and New Years Eve was approaching. He had spent a lot of time thinking about what she had said. Could he risk his heart again? The problem wasn't that he didn't love her. He always would. The problem was could he live with someone who would shut him out when things got rough? Could Bracken have been right? He had decided Bracken was right. She couldn't be happy just being his wife. Just being the Captain of the 12th and maybe even move up from there. She couldn't let it go and leave it to the people who were tasked with investigating it. The murder of an entire team of federal agents wasn't going to be swept under the rug. But she had seemed sincere in her wish to give them another chance. She was his rabbit hole. Would he go down it again or walk away? He sat at his desk trying to write but it was pointless. He couldn't concentrate.

"Richard, darling?" He heard his mother calling

"In here, Mother." He replied as he rubbed his tired his and scraped his hand over his face

"Well, hello there." She greeted with a warm smile as she appeared in the doorway of his office, "Are you getting any writing done?"

He sighed heavily, "No, not really."

Martha eyed her son and she knew something was weighing on him, "What wrong, Darling?"

He looked up at her, "I saw Kate the other day."

"Oh, I see." She replied, no one could affect her son like this except Kate Beckett, "and how is she?"

"Uh, good I suppose." He replied, "She, uh, wants to get back together."

"Ah, well Darling, you were the one who wanted the divorce." She said and held up her hand as he started to speak, "I'm not excusing what she did. But Richard, she thought she was protecting you."

"I know. But I how can I be with someone who just takes off and shuts me out. We were a team but she stopped acting like it."

"Richard, you know I've always been fond of her. Certainly more than your other ex-wives. But you are the two most stubborn people on the planet and once you two got your heads out of your…well… you are good for each other. Are you really going to say that your happier without her?"

He looked up at her again the answer written all over his face.

/

She wasn't expecting it but the ping of her phone caused hope to rise in her heart. It was as text from him.

I think we need to talk. Do you have plans NYE?

She smiled slightly.

I don't. Where and when?

His reply came almost immediately

The loft 8 pm I'll have a late dinner for us

Sounds good, see u then

She started to sign with an X but thought better of it and sent the reply as it was, butterflies in her stomach notwithstanding and returned to her work unable to stop her mouth from curling into a soft smile.

/

She sat nervously in the familiar waiting room. How long had it been since she'd been here? Years. Initially to get clearance after her shooting but then to be better. Better for him and she'd almost lost him. She was startled out of her thoughts as the door opened.

"Hello, Kate." Dr. Carter Burke greeted, "Come on in."

"Thank you for seeing me." She replied as she took a seat in one of the chairs

"Not a problem." He replied, "So what brings you here today?"

She sighed heavily, "Where do I begin?" She paused with a laugh, "I guess you know that Rick and I are divorced. It was just finalized a couple of month ago."

"Hmm…I had heard that yes."

"Well, I ran into him Christmas night. I stayed late at work and stopped at a diner on the way home. He was there, alone. His mother and daughter off dong their own thing after their Christmas celebration. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes and I told him…I told him I wanted to give our relationship another chance."

"And what did he say?"

"Nothing really. I just told him to think about it and he called me yesterday and wants to get together to talk New Year's Eve. At his loft."

"I see. So you think this is a good sign?"

"I don't know. I hurt him, a lot." She replied regret tinging her voice

"What happened between you, exactly?" Burke asked

"It started with a case we were helping the Feds with. Long story short my old AG team was killed and the person responsible was connected to Senator Bracken, who had my mother killed. This person was his partner. I didn't tell Rick and went off on my investigating. I left him with some excuse about needing time to sort stuff out. He found out what was really going on and of course he was angry."

"He didn't want to work things out?" Burke asked as he made notes

"He helped us take down Loksat, that's the name the guy went by. A corrupt CIA agent. But after that he said he couldn't trust me. I forgot we were a team. He was right."

"So why did you chose to do this?"

"I was told that anyone I loved would be killed if I investigated and so I pushed him away thinking I was protecting him. He said we could have worked together and broken up only as a cover. He said I like being broken."

"Do you?" Burked asked

"Like being broken?" She replied, "I guess I never looked at it like that but I can't just let things go. I'm not built like that."

"But weren't other people investigating? I mean, a whole team of agents were killed."

"I felt like I had to. I had to do it because of my mom. This guy was partners with the man who killed her."

"Yes, but that man, Bracken was sent to prison. You got justice for your mother."

"That's what everyone said. Why don't I just leave it alone and live my life with my wonderful husband?" She signed again, "I don't know why. I guess I just can't let things go but if I don't learn how to I know I can't make things right with him."

"So that's why you've decided to come back into therapy."

"Yes, maybe it will show him I'm serious, which I am." She said, "I made him think the case was more important than us even though it was to protect him. He was right. We've always worked better as a team. I lied to a lot of people. My detectives, my best friend."

"Okay, but this is going to be hard. Maybe harder than the last time. You'll have to change your way of thinking, Kate. You're not the only one who can get justice for people."

"Before Bracken died Rick saw him and Bracken told him I'd never be happy just being his wife. I'd always have to go off chasing something."

"Is there any truth to that?"

"I love Rick and I was happy being his wife. I was so scared of losing him that I made bad choices. I don't want to do that anymore."

"As long as you are willing to put in the work we can get you there, in time."

Kate nodded, "I am. I'll do anything."

/

She stood in front of his door for the first time in a long time. She had never been so nervous. Not knowing what he would say. Had he decided he was right in divorcing her? Did she even stand a chance? She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. In moments it swung open and he stood before her.

"Hey." He breathes out

"Hey." She stood almost frozen, "Oh I uh brought wine."

He smiled slightly, "Great. Uh, come on in."

She stepped inside and he helped her off with her coat. Taking in the surroundings not much had changed at least in main living area. But she imagined any photos with her have long been put away.

"Oh, let me take that. Dinner will be ready in just minute. Chicken carbonara." He explained as he headed back to the kitchen

"Smells great, Rick." She replied following him over, "Can I help with anything?"

"No, I've got it covered." He replied, 'Shall I?" he gestured to the wine bottle

"Yes." She replied and he poured two glasses for them

She took a sip and smiled, "Thank you…for calling me."

"Kate, let's eat first, okay?" He asked

"Sure, of course." She replied with a nod

They eat dinner in relative silence and she helps him clean up. He suggests they sit on the sofa with their wine.

"Look, Kate I have thought about what you said but I really don't know what to tell you. I love you. That never changed but I need someone who treats me like a partner. You used to understand that."

She looked down pondering her words, "I know that and I know that I screwed up royally. I love you too and I was just so scared of losing you I thought I was doing the right thing. But I know I didn't. I want to. That why…"

"Why what?" He asked

"Why I'm going back into therapy."

He was shocked, "Therapy?"

"I saw Dr. Burke a couple of days ago. I need to understand why I did what I did so I don't do it again. Nothing was more important to me than us. I just did a terrible job of showing it. I realize now it doesn't always have to be me against the world. I need to change my way of thinking."

"I'm proud of you for doing that." He acknowledged

"But…it's not enough is it?" She whispered

"I didn't say that. But I'm not ready to marry you again." He explained

"I know. But are you willing to work on it with me? Let me prove to you that I can do this. Maybe you could…could come with me to one of my sessions?"

"You mean like couples therapy?" He asked

"Well, I'm the one who needs to do the work but it might help if you can see firsthand. If Dr. Burke approves. I want to work on being more open and honest and also not have such a hero complex. You were right…about me being broken."

"Kate, I can't say that this will solve everything but, of course, I'm willing to try. I know how hard it is for you open up."

She nodded and took a deep breath, then lifted her glass, "To trying?"

He smiled softly, "To trying."

A/N: Thanks for reading. One more chapter maybe more. This story is kind of telling me what to do lol