Chapter 1: The Greatest Discovery Unknown to Man

In the 1970's scientists built the Los Alamos Radio Array. Its purpose was to send messages out into the universe in the hopes that it would reach some form of intelligent life.

Aliens? Aliens are you there? Hellooo? Anyone? Hey aliens, c'mon we know you're out there…" This radio transmission was repeated 22,421,722 times over a period of nearly three months. It was on the twenty-two million, four-hundred, twenty-one thousand, seven hundred and twenty third time that the aliens replied.

Their message was short.

"Dear Humans, please shut up, you are very annoying"

The two baffled scientists picked up the microphone
"Oh, Sorry, we just wanted to know if you existed."

"Mission accomplished, can you be quiet now!"

"No no no, hold on, I was wondering if you would like to trade, we would be very interested in an intergalactic spaceship."

"Well, what does a pathetic planet like yours have to offer me?"

"We have atom bombs."

"Ha! Atom bombs! Those are firecrackers to us, you'll have to do better than that!"

"We can give you our sexiest super models"

"Disgusting! Your sexiest supermodes are like our ugliest, grossest women"

"Well, what kins of things would you be interested in?"

"Do you have any drugs, you know, like ophmoids bublondos, or maybe chestnuts?"

"Chestnuts? uh yeah, we have plenty of chestnuts"

"Great, give me a pound and you've got yourself a deal!"

"Hold on, that's not quite fair, throw in some of your ugliest grossest women, and we might have an agreement"

"Deal…sucker."

As news of the chestnut dealer spread throughout the universe, traffic from all over the galaxy stopped by this top-secret facility. Newer ships were traded, slightly less gross women and shiner technologies. Within a few hours, Earth had become the largest chestnut cartel in the galaxy. It was estimated that nearly 400 pounds of chestnuts were sold in that time period – it was totally unprecedented. Of course, as word spread, the intergalactic police caught wind of this new cartel and sure enough, a transmission blared through the Los Alamos facility.

"This is the Intergalactic Police! We are halting this illegal operation and are confiscating all contraband. In punishment for this crime, we are hereby excommunicating your planet for 2000 years. Have a nice day."

As the Confiscate-o-ray turned on, the scientists watched in horror as their shiny new technologies were zapped away. Two scientists had made the greatest discovery of all time. Unfortunately, it was soon followed by the greatest disaster of all-time, which erased all evidence of their discovery. And in the empty void of their discovery, two scientists in the abandoned facility stared at each other in disbelief. A long, silent pause ensued as they both came to terms with reality. And in this devastating silence a voice asked; "So uh, what do we do now?"

John replied "you want to play chess?"

Steve answered "Sure"

And they went on living their lives, eating chestnuts with drugged-out sexy supermodels as if nothing ever happened.

THE END.