A Wild Fire
The Avatar visited the Fire Nation palace once a year, every summer. This time, he was bringing his new wife. Fire Lord Zuko watched the flying bison circle ahead to come in for a landing. He waved a hand, telling his subordinates to back off, give him and his friends a bit of privacy as they greeted one another.
Aang glided down from the bison, landing on his feet in front of Zuko. At eighteen, Aang was at Zuko's eye level now. He extended a hand, which Zuko clasped and then they pulled each other into a tight hug. "It's good to see you, Aang."
"Good to see you, too, Zuko." Aang said. "Boy have I got a whopping good Bah Sing Se story to tell you this time."
Zuko laughed, "Why is it that every time you visit that palace, you manage to turn that town upside down?"
"It's that mail-shoot," A gentle voice cut in, "I told them to have it removed whenever Aang is coming, but they won't listen and Aang always has to talk a few people into going down it with him. Hello, Zuko, how have you been?" She tacked the greeting onto the end of her words without taking a breath, as if she needed momentum to begin the pleasantries or else she could never start them.
Katara was more beautiful than the last time Zuko had seen her. Her eyes, calm like a shaded lake, seemed deeper, full of more secrets. "It's good to see you, Katara." He said before answering her question with a lie, "I've been well."
"That's good." She said.
Zuko wanted to dive into her eyes and find those secrets. He wanted to drown in them, but saved himself by averting his eyes as he spoke next to Aang, "So how about you tell me that Ba Sing Se story over some tea?"
This room had once been a solemn place, a place full of fear and fire and the awesome presence of the most evil man alive. But Zuko's father was in prison now, harmless and dying slowly. This room was transformed into a colorful, lively place, and at the moment, it was full of mirth. The Fire Lord and his visitors were roaring with laughter as Aang recounted the tale of his last visit to the Earth kingdom palace.
Aang finally found his breath and wiped away a tear, "I wish you could have been there."
Zuko made a sound of agreement, not trusting his words to sound sincere. He had been invited to Ba Sing Se, for the wedding, but hadn't been able to bring himself to go. He hadn't wanted to see Katara marry another man, let alone Aang, whom he couldn't even bring himself to hate.
He didn't want to see Aang place a delicate kiss on her lips before leaving the table, either. The avatar darted off to retrieve something Sokka had sent for the young Fire Lord. Zuko and Katara were left alone at the tea table. She looked into her tea as if she could read the leaves that were not yet uncovered in the bottom.
Zuko cleared his throat, "He's a lucky man." He said.
"He's a good man." She said, nodding.
"He really loves you." Zuko said.
"Can we stop talking about this?" Katara asked, putting her tea cup down with enough force for it to slosh out everywhere. Zuko allowed a laugh. "Why not? What's wrong with talking about how much you and your husband love each other?"
"Nothing, expect this isn't that. This is that thing you do."
"What thing?"
"That thing where you torture yourself like you deserve it."
Zuko made no reply, but stood from the table. He turned to go, then paused and said to her over his shoulder in a soft voice, "I'm no stranger to torture, Katara. I don't want to become a stranger to you, so I will endure what I must."
The stone was cool beneath his bare feet. The water of the pond was calm, quiet, waiting for him, silently inviting him in for the swim. Birds sang in the early morning and the sun's young light chased away the fog that hung in the branches of the cherry trees. The wind was chilly, raising chill bumps across his bare chest. The water would be even colder. He drew a deep breath, preparing to dive.
Noise interrupted the silence and several men bustled into the garden.
"Not now," The Fire Lord said as his consultants crowded around him.
"But, Majesty, we only wish to remind you that your wife begins her cycle today."
Zuko sighed and returned to trying to meditate. His consultants didn't catch on to his passive hint to leave him in peace. Instead, they continued,
"We're here to press on you again the importance of conceiving an heir as fast as possible."
"Yes. I haven't forgotten the thousand other times you've told me." He grumbled and then wasted no more time. He dove into the water.
The frigid temperature seemed to amputate him from the world, slice it all away, detach him from the pressures of ruling a nation, from not being loved by his wife, from needing an heir, from loving a woman he could never have. It all broke away as the water wrapped around him, sank its chilling fangs down to his bones.
Sinking to the bottom, he let himself hang suspended in the water. Here he didn't need to look at anyone, he didn't need to talk to or lead anyone. He didn't even need to stand on his own two feet, or carry his own weight; the water did all of that for him. Here he didn't worry about what the next right thing to do was. This was his favorite place in the whole entire world.
Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time splashing around in that pond you'd be a stronger fire bender.
Azula's demented voice spoke the words to him out of his memory, bypassing all of his armor, all of his secret defenses to stab into the throbbing heart of all of his insecurities. Though she was locked up far away, his sister's twisted cruelty still got to him from time to time. She still managed to make him feel inferior even from her prison cell. He used to think that if only she'd die, he would be free. But she was still there in his mind, she was still making him doubt.
He pushed the thought of his sister, and that of his father as well, away. He knew better than to listen to words of the past. He knew he'd already proven both his father and his sister wrong long ago. He knew that he made his mother and his uncle proud every day. That was all he needed. He dwelled on this, made it his mantra as he sat there on the bottom on the pond.
It wasn't long before he needed air, at which point he pushed off from the ground and resurfaced, dragging in a satisfying breath of morning air, flinging his hair out of his eyes. He climbed out of the pond. Usually he swam for much longer, but today, he couldn't find solace in its depths. He had a feeling that he wouldn't find solace there for the rest of the summer.
Aang repositioned a tile on the board and Zuko groaned, "Is it among your Avatar powers to be unbeatable at this game?"
"Apparently," Aang laughed, collecting his winnings. To make it interesting, they had decided to play for money.
Zuko huffed, "Well, I hope some day I find something I can beat you at."
"Good Luck."
"You know, I remember traveling around the world trying to kill a humble Avatar."
Aang shrugged, "The fate of the world doesn't rest in my hands any more. I feel a lot more conceited without that kind of weight weighing me down."
Zuko chuckled, rearranging the tiles back to start. "It's my own fault that I'm no good at this game, I should have practiced with Uncle more."
Aang stood and stretched, "No more tonight. I'm turning in."
"So early?" Zuko asked noting that the sun wasn't even down yet.
"I want to get an early start in the morning." Aang replied, crossing the room to kiss Katara goodnight.
"Where?"
"The Boiling Rock." He said. "I want to visit your father."
Zuko laughed out right. "Why?"
Aang shrugged, "I want to ask him if he's learned anything in his time alone."
"You mean you seek his forgiveness." Zuko said wisely.
"Yes." Aang admitted. Zuko felt sympathy for his friend. "I'm afraid you won't find it."
"Have you seen him lately?"
"Not since I made him tell me where he was keeping my mother."
"That's been five years."
"He's going to need longer than that to realize his crimes." Zuko said, knowing his father all too well. "I assure you, he still hates you, me, all of us."
"You can't know that, not if you've not been to see him." Aang said, "I need to go. Maybe something I say will help him."
Zuko knew he wouldn't be able to change his friend's mind. Aang slipped away to the rooms he shared with Katara. His wife remained in her window seat, looking out at the sun as it sank toward the horizon.
"I usually go for a walk as the sun sets. Care to join me?" Zuko asked.
He could see it in her face, the internal battle. Finally she smiled up at him and stood, "Okay."
The night air was cool, chilling. They walked in step, down a garden path that seemed to be headed right for the place the sun touched the mountains in the distance. They talked about Sokka, Suki and their new baby girl.
"Do you plan to have children some day?" Zuko asked.
"Of course," Katara said. "It's a natural part of life to have children, to pass on your blood and your knowledge."
"I suppose, but aren't you afraid that your kid might end up having nothing but the worst parts of you?"
Katara stopped walking and Zuko added, "Not that you have any worst parts at all, but—"
"Is that why you don't have children yet?" Katara asked. "Are you afraid they'll be bad like your father and sister, like you used to be?"
"Maybe," He admitted, "I mean it's all in my blood, right?"
"You are good. You're uncle was good. Your mother was good. Your great grandfather was good. Azula and Ozia were just a few bad apples in a bunch of good ones."
"Sometimes I think Uncle was the only good one, and that I only went good out of…"
"Out of what?" Her voice was sharp. Zuko began walking again and finished his sentence in a single word, "Fear."
Katara hurried to fall back into step with him, "You think you went good out of cowardice? You think joining us and overthrowing your father was an act of weakness?"
"No, of course not. I mean, I just—only sometimes, it all starts getting to me and I start hearing their voices again, telling me how weak, how pathetic I am."
"You aren't weak or pathetic."
"It's just a fleeting thought I have sometimes, a worry, really, a doubt."
"The remaining seeds of the cruelty your family pounded into you." Katara said. "Get rid of it."
He lifted one side of his mouth, "I will, it'll just take time. This is it." He stuck the last words on the end of his others, pausing at the same pond he'd swam in the day before. The fire of the setting sun danced on the water's surface.
"What?" Katara asked.
"The sun reflects on the water here. I never watch the sun set, I always watch its reflection here instead."
Katara studied the sunlight on the water. It was pretty, peaceful. Somehow, it reminded her of the harmony in the world. If fire and water could hold one another in such beauty, then anything was possible.
She remembered the day Zuko had said he loved her, had kissed her, had asked her to stay here with him, to marry him. Her blood raced through her veins and she was aware her proximity to Zuko. He was standing a few feet from her, close but too far away; she could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. And she wanted to.
He was staring at the water, looking calm, serene even. One question burned in her mind. If he loved her so much, why did he marry Mae so quickly after she refused him?
Katara woke early the next morning to see Aang off. She loved him for trying to bring peace to the man who caused so much pain, but like Zuko, she felt it was a lost cause. Aang kissed her sweetly, wafted up onto Appa and flew away. Katara watched him go for a moment before turning and ambling along a walkway. The overhang of this path was held up by arches. The arches faced the east, the ocean and the rising sun.
She pondered the life that lay ahead of her as she wandered around the palace yards. Aang was good, sweet, gentle. He made her laugh.
So why didn't he consume her the way Zuko did?
Zuko excited her just by looking at her. She thought of him first when she had a story to share with someone. She felt she could tell him things she couldn't tell anyone else. She loved his laugh, the way he spoke quietly when he was being serious, the way he listened, the way he trusted her.
She couldn't bring herself to regret marrying Aang. He was a dear friend, a best friend. He loved her and she loved him.
Was it possible to love two men at once?
The sound of a loud splash broke the silence of the morning. Curious, Katara circled around a hedge and found herself at the pond Zuko said he liked to watch the sun set in. She could tell by the surface of the water that someone had just dived in. The shoes and a robe on the rocks told her who it was. Katara went to the edge of the water and looked in.
The way the pond was built, the water was several feet deep right up to the edge of the rocks. She could see a pale blur sitting on the bottom. She sat on the rocks and waited for him to resurface. When he did, he was facing the waterfall and didn't see her. He lay back and floated on his back with his eyes closed. Katara remained silent, watching him float.
Maybe it was just about the sex. The thought came to Katara as she watched him. It didn't seem like a completely ridiculous idea. After all, Zuko represented a kind of power and fierce passion that Aang would never have in his gentle nature. It was Zuko's energy that attracted her to him in the first place, during their fighting practices. It was her first taste of true attraction, her first thirst for that kind of connection.
And it was never quenched.
Perhaps that was all it was. She thought, wildly, somewhat desperately. This idea was beginning to take on the shades of an excuse, but she was too far gone to see it that way. Perhaps it could be solved, this madness, in a single night!
The fact that she was married only increased her certainty; after all, she wasn't a virgin anymore and therefore no longer had anything to guard. As far as cheating went she just didn't see it that way. It would be just once, and she would be doing it for Aang, in the long run. She would be able to make him twice as happy if she could get rid of these feelings once and for all.
In the pool, Zuko pulled in a big breath and dove again, never looking over his shoulder, never seeing her. The surface of the water rippled and grew calm. That could be my life. She thought. Her current plans might cause some ripples, but they would fade and blissful serenity would follow.
Her mind was made up. She stood, undid her belt and slipped out of her robes silently. It was cold in the morning air, standing there in just her underclothes. She steeled herself and then eased into the water. She found it surprisingly warmer than she suspected, but then, there was a heater sitting in the middle of it.
The sounds of the waterfall hid the little sound she did make as she entered the pool. Underwater, she opened her eyes and found the pale blur at the bottom that was Zuko. She let out a stream of bubbles as she went to him. When she reached him, she put her hands over his eyes.
Zuko flinched violently when cool hands closed over his eyes. A plume of bubbles erupted from him as he whirled around. It was dark in the water, the only light came from above and the morning was young enough for that not to be a lot, but he could see the silhouette of his visitor: lovely curves, a mane of long dark hair.
They surfaced. Zuko tossed his hair from his eyes, Katara let hers hang plastered to either side of her face. She was smiling at him.
"What are you doing here?" He asked.
"I felt like a swim." She said. "Am I intruding?"
"No." He said, "But—"Should we? He didn't ask it out loud. He didn't even really know what it meant. That wasn't true, he knew what it meant, holy hell did he know what it meant, but he didn't know if it was the relevant question. He didn't know if she was asking the same thing.
"Relax, Zuko." She said, "I know what I'm doing."
Zuko really didn't know what that meant, but he liked it all the same. In fact, he liked everything there was about Soaking Wet And Barely Clothed Katara: He obeyed her order, but made sure to keep his distance, treading out of arm's reach from her nonetheless. He must be in control.
"Zuko," She said, and she sounded breathless. In a graceful breast stroke, she was near him again. "Do you remember when we used to fight side by side?"
He never had much in the way of control anyway; he kissed her.
Behind the waterfall, between the curtain of water and the rocks it cascaded from, was space enough for two people. Here, water and fire collided in harmony that held in it the beauty of sunlight on water, of shady lakes, of dancing fire, and of the sun and the moon when they shared the sky.
Katara's back was to the rocks, Zuko's hands were on her bare thighs, his mouth was covering hers. In his touch, she could sense his need for her embrace. She briefly wondered, at the beginning, how long it'd been since he'd been with his wife, but then nothing else mattered. Zuko was with Katara now. He should have always been with her. She should have said she'd marry him. Why in all the worlds would she refuse this magnificent man who loved her so intensely?
Any moment they could be caught, but that didn't matter. Years of hidden feelings were being shared in soft words said beneath the sound of the pounding water. Zuko's love was a force barely in his control, like his fire bending, like his sense of honor, like his hate, like his pain. Zuko was always on the edge of them if not lost in them. But right now he was lost in her, and she in him, and none of it mattered because they were together.
He was supposed to feel guilty. A good man would feel guilt. An honorable man would despise himself for his weak actions. But how could surrender as sweet as this be a bad thing? Surely this kind of surrender meant strength, because this kind of surrender had too many dangerous and torturous risks for a weak man to undertake.
They dressed before climbing out of the water. Zuko went first and then helped her out. She twisted her hair to get the water out; then she put back on her outer clothes. No matter how badly he wanted to, he couldn't regret it. Although Aang was his best friend—he would just have to never know. That way no one got hurt.
Zuko told himself that it was being above the water in the breeze of the morning that was making him start to shiver. He didn't do his Dragon Breath, so as to have an excuse for the trembling. He was going to tell her the truth and look her in the eye as he said it, she deserved a courageous man.
"I'm not sorry."
"Why did you marry her?" Katara said in response. Zuko took a step back, surprised by the suddenly and brutally honest question.
"Well," He finally said, "I didn't see what the point was in waiting, when the only girl that mattered didn't want me. All the other girls were the same, and always would be. I just got it over with, picked one I felt I could trust."
Silence. Zuko shook out his hair and returned it to its tie; put his feet in his sandals. Katara broke the quiet.
"I-I ruined our lives, didn't I?" she asked.
"No!" Zuko pulled her to him, held her tightly. She pulled away after a moment, gently. He let her go; their time of embraces was over. She stood, looking down sadly.
"I don't mean to confuse you." Zuko said softly when she closed her eyes.
"I'm not confused." She said. She didn't even convince herself. She looked down at her feet, avoiding eye contact.
"Katara," Zuko said, "Aang loves you, has always loved you, will always love you. You made the right choice. I would have let you down, eventually."
"Stop it." Katara said. He obeyed. She continued, "I knew what I was doing."
Zuko recalled (it had all went hazy about the time they found the space behind the falls) that it was Katara who entered the pool half-dressed and uninvited, Katara who assured him, who kissed him back with fierce determination.
"What were you doing?" He asked.
She was silent for a moment, then she lifted her chin, met his eye with resolve. "I was trying to rid myself of you." That hurt. To hell with battling a power-crazed father and a psycho sister. This was the stuff that truly killed a man.
Zuko had no idea what to say.
Katara's hand went to her forehead and she suddenly sank to the rocks with a sob, "I think I just made it worse!"
Zuko went to his knees in front of her. "Say the word and I will come up with some kind of excuse—any kind of excuse for you and Aang to leave."
"What?" There she was, the wild, angry girl ready to kick fire-nation ass. "You want me gone so quickly?"
"Only because I thought that's what you were saying!" Zuko said quickly. "I thought you were saying that it's too hard for you to be around me. I don't want to distress you Katara! I want you to be happy!"
She put her forehead on her knees. "I'll never be happy if I cut you out of my life." She said it so softly that it was almost lost beneath the sounds of the water.
Zuko stood. "I never should have touched you!" His voice was thin, wavered. "I've made things worse. I'm sorry. I—"
"You're doing it again!" Katara cut in sharply. "It's my fault! It was all my idea!"
Zuko double-looked her, his eyebrows raised, "It was premeditated?"
Katara looked ashamed. "I thought it would help me get over you. I thought I could move on."
There was silence. Zuko paced back and forth for a moment and then stopped before her and spoke up, "And so we will."
Katara looked up at him with her eyebrows together. "We will?"
"Neither of us want to hurt Aang, neither of us want the hurt of losing each other's company. Neither of us want to pine after someone we can't have." He pressed his palms together in front of him, complete resolve in his posture and expression. "We will move on."
"Can we?" Katara asked. She wanted to, but she didn't. She longed for it, but she loved him so.
"We must." He said.
"Yes." She said, catching on. If they said it enough they could do it. With sheer will power, they could fall out of love, put out the wild fire. She stood, and matched his stance.
"We can." She said. Then together, they reiterated,
"We will."
Aang returned, defeated. Ozai had been far less guilt-ridden and ready to forgive and be forgiven than Aang would have liked. In fact, he wasn't at all. He was still angry, still full of hatred, still vowing revenge. The only change was that now the anger had turned to madness.
It was early. Aang was expecting to find Katara still in bed. When she wasn't there, he went roaming the palace and its grounds for her. She wasn't in the hedge maze, she wasn't at the sea shore, and she wasn't in the rock garden. He recalled a magnificent garden pond in the central garden, Zuko's private garden. Perhaps she was there, water bending.
Sure enough, she was. And she wasn't alone.
She and Zuko stood right beside the pond, drenched and facing one another with their palms pressed as if in prayer and their stance and posture strong. Aang laughed, "Not dueling are we?" He asked.
Zuko whirled to face him. "Aang! You're back so soon?"
"A lost cause," He replied, deflated.
"Oh, darling." Katara cried, going to him and taking his hands, "I'm so sorry."
Zuko looked away, but then squared his shoulders and looked back. Aang sighed, a great puff of air that stirred everyone's clothing. "Perhaps next year."
Katara kissed him, a quick peck on the lips, and gave him a smile, "That's what I love about you; your heart is so big you hurt for even the evilest of men."
"If only I were half the man you are." Zuko said. The flattery was true, all if it, but its presence was due to the intensely obvious-now-that-he-was-actually-there fact that they had both deeply betrayed Aang.
"Thanks." Aang said. "I love you, Katara. And Zuko, I'm honored by your friendship."
"How about next time we go with you to see Ozai?" Katara asked. "Maybe with all of us trying, we can help him see the light."
"Yeah, maybe," Aang said, draping an arm around his wife's shoulders as they turned to head back inside.
"We can." Zuko said, catching Katara's eyes.
"We will." She said.
Zuko talked to himself in inner monologue a lot after what happened. Usually it was some kind of a mental bitch slap to pull him out of it. For the rest of the summer after it happened, his inner monologue on any given day sounded like this:
Morning
Dammit.
There she is. She looks good.
... Suck it up! It doesn't matter how you feel. All that matters is that this is want she wants! This is how she will be happy!...
…Look at that jackass—No. stop being petty. He is your friend. He is a good man…
…You could never make her as happy and carefree as he can. He's such a better man than you will ever be…
…You will be trapping her in a life of duty to a kingdom she spent most of her life despising…
…God, she smells good…
…You have too much to do anyway, you would never be able to give her as much time as she deserves…
…She's happy. Look at her. She's so happy. You're doing the right thing for her…
…You can't do that. Stop thinking about it…
…You told her you wouldn't touch her like that again, you idiot…
…don't touch her. She doesn't want you to touch her!...
…This is for the best…
Afternoon
…Maybe I'll go for another swim—no! stop thinking about that!
…She's so cute when she eats…
…I bet that speck of sauce on her lips tastes good—What in the hell? Stop it!...
…There. See? You would never have said that kind of thing to her, and look how happy it made her!...
…Wow. It truly is impossible to hate him...
…If he finds out what you did, it'll kill him…
…She never looks at me like that. She's not lying. She does love him…
…She wants to touch you, step out of reach…
…you're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot…
…I'm not sorry that I feel this way…
Evening
…You see? This is completely possible. You can both get over this. You both will get over this…
…You can. You will…
…You shouldn't have touched her like that! Leave, now. Don't come back for hours…
…Listen up. You have already given her all that you have, but it's not enough. She needs more. Only Aang can give that to her. You have to stop thinking like this. You have to fall out of love with her. You have to. You have to. You won't make her this happy…
…What the fuck did I just say to you? Stop it.
…You've had her. It was wonderful. It was the best you ever had. That's enough. That's it. That's all you need. What purpose would be served in doing it again—besides the obvious- other than destroying her marriage and Aang's trust in you, and your friendship? You would much rather have their friendship, right? So just be thankful you had that time with her and move on. If you don't, so help me, you will die of this. You know it's true. Move the fuck on.
Night
…Don't think about what they're doing. It's none of your business…
…kill me…
…Of course he would do that. SHE'S HIS BRIDE, you jackass!
…If you died, you wouldn't have to feel like this—BUT IF YOU DIED YOU COULDN'T FEEL HER IN YOUR HEART ANYMORE!
…She's happy…
…They probably aren't…
…They probably are…
…She's happy, so what does it matter?
…Wait? How do you know if she's happy or not?
…She is. She is. She's happy. Stop it. She's happy. She would never live with herself if she broke Aang's heart, which is what convincing her to come to bed with you will do, because he will eventually find out…
…You don't need her. You have a wife of your own. Go find your wife.
…Katara…
…Dammit…
After it happened, Katara threw herself into being married to Aang. He was sweet, tender, loved her with all of his heart, and would never hurt her. He would never betray her as she did him. Guilt-ridden, she often slipped away into shadows to shed a few tears of heartbreak.
Something had to be wrong with her; how could she love two men at once?
One she loved violently, one she loved deeply.
She was married to the second and so it was that one, and that one alone, that she ever let herself be alone with.
Aang was the one she belonged with; he represented the life she wanted. He needed her. She made him happy, which made her happy. That was all she needed.
When she was with him in their bed, she didn't need waterfalls or secrecy, or, or whatever else she might find with Zuko. She could live without that. Aang satisfied her in his own way.
One truth hid itself away in Katara's heart, a truth which she felt, but never acknowledged:
Aang was the safe choice, he was the easier road.
Years passed. In them, Zuko busied himself with running a nation, negotiating with other world leaders in order to keep harmony in the lands. Often he was too busy to even remember his own middle name, Lee, let alone think about women, or his wife, or the woman who wasn't his wife.
Every summer, without fail, the Avatar came to stay at the Fire Nation Palace, having spent spring in the Earth Kingdom, winter in the Poles, and fall rebuilding the nomadic Wind Tribes and the Air-Bender population with the help of his air-bending flying bison and an ancient lion turtle that he'd befriended. He did this by finding non-benders who wanted to be benders and training them after the lion turtle granted them the ability.
Zuko knew extremely well what Aang was up to because he was usually always helping him do the things he was doing. In fact, he saw much more of his bald and blue-tattooed friend than he did of his—other friend. She was just his other friend.
So, like he always did, the Avatar arrived at Zuko's palace on the first day of summer. And, like he always did, he brought his wife with him.
For three summers, three visits, Zuko and Katara did as they promised; they pretended to be out of love with each other. The first new summer after it happened, Katara was round in the middle—five months pregnant with Aang's child.
The next summer, a baby girl named Kiki who had Aang's eyes was toddling along after her mother wherever she went. Zuko had never spent any time around extremely small children before that summer, and learned a lot; like that no one smiles at a man who speaks harshly to a small child who won't stop crying.
Especially the mother.
The third summer Sokka came with them, bringing Suki and their daughter Tanaka. That summer was filled with the shrieks of Tanaka and Kiki playing spinning, jumping, and chasing games with Sokka and Aang. It reminded Zuko of his childhood before his father became Fire Lord, when his mother was always there and smiling at him.
He had, through smooth talking and endless assurances, managed to convince his advisors that he needn't father a child so soon—he had too much on his plate with helping the avatar rebuild the world to be a good father. Therefore, they had long since stopped reminding him of Mae's cycles, of stressing to him the importance of an heir.
But that summer with Tanaka and Kiki instilled in him a want for a child. Not for the purposes of having an heir for the kingdom, but just because he wouldn't mind having a daughter who adored him in the way that both Tanaka and Kiki adored Sokka and Aang. He could name her Ursa, after his mother, and maybe she would have his eyes and Mae's bold beauty, and he could be the kind of father Uncle Iroh was.
However, his efforts went unrewarded. A year passed and Mae still didn't have a child. What was more, she was growing even more distant from him, seemed displeased by him, and often spent all of her time in whatever part of the palace that Zuko wasn't in.
Appa was crowded for the flight into the Fire Nation this year. The passengers included Katara, Aang, and Kiki, and Sokka, Suki and Tanaka, plus Toph who decided she wouldn't mind spending a summer relaxing in Zuko's ridiculously luxurious palace after months of helping rebuild an entire city from the ground up—literally.
Katara had very nearly opted to go back home for the summer—Kiki was happiest there, with her grandfather and the other children of the village. Not to mention, it would mean she wouldn't have to spend three months trying not to look at one particular fire lord.
It had been three years since that morning in the pond, but she could remember it like it was yesterday if she let herself. It frightened her that carrying, birthing, and raising Aang's daughter didn't lessen her feelings for the scarred-but-smiling Fire Lord who was standing atop the polished marble steps of his palace with advisors flanking him left and right.
Aang, who was nine days into growing out his hair and beard in an attempt to look older ever since someone mistook him, in all of his twenty-one years, to be fifteen, helped Katara down. Then he allowed Kiki to jump down onto his shoulders and just hang out there while everyone else dismounted from the yawning beast.
From his place above them, Zuko greeted the Avatar loudly and with a big smile—as the Fire Lord greeting the savior of the land in the name of his nation. Then he ordered his men to disperse, descended the steps, and greeted him with a tight hug and a laugh, like a friend.
Hugs went all around. Katara was last. He held his arms open to her, a big smile crinkling his scar, "Katara, you haven't changed a bit." He said and then scooped her up in a brief but tight hug. It was so common-place, so similar to the way he'd greeted Suki and Toph and the children, that Katara's heart broke a little.
Perhaps he has succeeded where you have failed. She pushed that thought away, looked pointedly at her beautiful daughter, whom she loved so much sometimes she thought she would die, and kissed her, reminded herself whose eyes she had.
"Mom!" Kiki cried, squirming out of her hold and then bolting after her cousin, who was doing cartwheels in the grass. Zuko smirked at her, "Kids." He said with a shrug.
He is so totally out of love with you.
Zuko helped his friends settle in and then excused himself. Once alone, he released a breath and collapsed on the wall. His job required he put on a face every now and then, act however the situation demanded.
He'd never acted so hard as he had just then.
He wasn't the happy, smiling, laughing, care-free man who welcomed his friends so warmly. He was miserable, heart broken, worn down from an entire year of being rejected time-and-time-again by his wife.
Sokka noticed his sister's sudden down-in-the-dumps attitude. He jabbed an elbow into her side, "Hey, are you okay?"
Her first instinct was to lie, to fake happiness, and assure him she was fine. But then she realized that Sokka wouldn't buy that. She gave him an excuse, "I just miss home."
"This living all over the world thing has finally lost its novelty, huh?" He asked.
"It's tiring."
"Tell me about it—Suki has already fallen asleep—" He jabbed a thumb toward the open door of the rooms he shared with his family. Through it, they could see Suki lying with her eyes closed on the bed. "She's so beautiful when she sleeps." Sokka sighed and drifted that way.
Zuko existed in that delicate, suspended moment between awake and asleep, when he breathed in the slow, regular way of someone asleep, when he didn't move, when he was beginning to slip away and perhaps have that falling sensation when—
Creak
The fire lord's eyes snapped open and he sat up, fire blazing to life in his hands. He slept alone in this room; Mae lived in a completely different part of the palace these days.
The late night visitor stopped in her tracks catching her breath, barely restraining a scream. The light of his fire made shadows dance across Katara's face, and it was a moment before she finally spoke,
"Sorry I—"
"What is it? Is everyone okay?"
"I—"She cut off and didn't speak more. Zuko blinked at her, lit a candle so that he could extinguish the fire in his hands.
"Katara, what are you doing here?"
Katara's heart was racing. He was waiting for her answer. She was silent, then she answered, her voice choked and small, but she'd made up her mind before coming in here to say what she needed to say, no matter what.
"I just don't want to pretend anymore." She choked out, and then she was crying. "I want you to know that I still love you!" She sobbed.
She was in the middle of his big, dark room crying alone, and then she was crying in his arms, and then she was crying but kissing him. She broke the kiss, "I thought you'd moved on?"
"No. I just got good at pretending." He said, and kissed her fervently.
One last time, She thought. Just let us have this one last time.
What Katara rationalized as one last time became three times and her first morning waking up in his arms. Zuko's room was surprisingly bright—he had many windows and not a single curtain closed on any of them. His room was large—big enough for them to do their old Dui Bi routine at a mild setting without singing a single drapery or cushion.
Zuko woke first and escaped reality by pretending that he always woke up like this and would forever wake up like this, and could spend all day like this if he wished, having no other job but to enjoy her. He longed to see her eyes, to hear her say his name, to feel her lips on his skin. Unable to stand it a moment longer, he pressed his lips to hers, kissed her awake.
Her eyes fluttered open lazily, she smiled, and then her heavy eyelids closed again. He laughed, shook her gently, "Ka-tar-aaah" He sang and made a trail of butterfly kisses across her eyes. She giggled, but didn't open her eyes. She ran her fingers through his hair as his kisses went down her neck and then her breasts.
"I keep thinking of—" She began in a lazy slur but then she gasped loudly and sat straight up, throwing Zuko to the side. "It's morning!" She cried.
Just then, a knock on the Fire Lord's bedroom door echoed across the room and an all-too familiar voice, kind and bright, said as if in reply to someone's comment, "It's okay we go way back. I'm sure he won't be upset if I wake him."
Katara flung herself back and pulled the blankets up over her head just seconds before her husband stepped fully into the room.
"Zuko!" he said, "You're awake! Good."
"What is it?" Zuko was entirely too out-of breath, and Aang noticed, stopped, frowned. Then he noticed Zuko's bare torso, and the woman-shaped lump in the bed beside him. The Avatar turned red, and began backing away,
"Sorry. I'll be back when—um—Good morning, Mae—sorry, I thought—well, I don't know what I thought. Sorry. Bye—Sorry, kay, bye."
The door clicked shut.
No one moved for several long moments. Katara lowered the blanket from over her head. Zuko stood up, pulled on some pants, and began pacing. His steps were quick, his breathing frantic. He pressed on his lips with his finger tips. His eyebrows were together, his eyes darted back-and-forth. Katara dressed quickly, didn't know what to do when she finished so sat on the edge of the bed and watched him pace.
"That was too close." He said breathlessly, whispering despite the fact that they could practice Dui Bi on the highest level and Aang wouldn't hear it.
Katara felt cheap, not for having woken up in another man's bed, but for lying to her husband like that. If she had just left her face uncovered, had it all out right here in this room, before breakfast, then it would have been better than making Aang such a fool.
"What if he hadn't knocked?" Katara asked. Her tone didn't strike the right tone; it seemed more wishful than fearful. "What if our secret was revealed and Aang let me go?"
Even the furniture seemed to mock her for voicing it aloud. Zuko turned to her, eyes wide. "No one can afford to lose you Katara." He said seriously.
The certainty in his voice surprised her. He made her sound like a queen. She looked down. "Who am I to anyone?"
"Everything,"' He said hoarsely. Their eyes met and for a moment his answer was poetic, was the answer she wanted, but then he cleared his throat and met her eyes squarely.
"I'm serious, Katara." He said; "The Avatar's wife represents all that he stands for. If he loses you, then the people begin to imagine that Aang isn't all he used to be; then he loses support, and without support he loses trust, and without trust someone ignores his wishes, and when one king defies the avatar, others will follow until there is a rift; then the rift causes war, and the war destroys everything!" His voice escalated in volume and speed as he fell victim to a mild panic attack.
He moved away from her. The world hinged on Aang and Katara's marriage. What the hell were they doing risking the world? He composed himself to say as much to Katara. "If we aren't careful we could start the next war!"
Katara wiped a tear away before it dripped from her eyelash. Zuko's logic was unbendable. She had gotten too good at being Aang's wife. She couldn't leave him now. His image depended on it, and the world depended on his image. "Okay. You're right. It's our duty." She stood, put Zuko's loose hair behind his burned ear. "Just promise me this: we won't try to deny our feelings like last time."
"But—"
"It'll be easier, I think, to stay away from you if I knew that you were feeling the same way."
"So we spend the rest of our lives pining for each other," Zuko said, miserably, "knowing that the other pines in return, yet we never touch each other ever again."
"Yes." She whispered. "I thought you'd fallen out of love with me and I," She shook her head, dashing away another tear, "I can't live without your love."
And then she turned and ran through the door that led out to the gardens. Zuko watched her go and then strode across his room and opened the door. Aang stood out in the middle of the hall, feeding MoMo balls of bread.
Aang apologized, but Zuko wouldn't let him finish. Aang then went on to explain why he'd come looking for him. There were problems with the final plans for a city in the earth kingdom, and Aang had to return to sort it out.
"You're leaving?"
"Sorry old friend." Aang said, "but duties call."
Zuko swallowed something thick in his throat. It suddenly made sense why Katara had showed up so randomly in his room last night. She knew they were leaving.
She hadn't said goodbye.
Or maybe she had.
