Chapter One
Home
The weather hated us. As we had been in Kirkwall for the last seven years, I had truly forgotten how miserable Ferelden could really be toward winter.
On the first day of our journey to Denerim, it rained. Incessantly. But it was the sort of rain that soaked into everything and it turned a determined trek into a miserable trudge. Conversation was scarce and neither Varric's anecdotes or Fenris' and Anders' constant bickering could lift our spirits.
The second day was much the same, but with the added hoy of being tailed by two hungry wolves for a league before Anders, Bethany and Merril had the good sense to scare them off.
Finally, just after breakfast on the third day of the depressing journey, the rain stopped, and while still a little chilly, the sun was allowed to shine and with it, our moods brightened. Up until the light dampening drizzle began to fall, but anything was better than the downpour, so our spirits remained high.
"And that was your third escape attempt?" Bethany was asking Anders, a look of poorly disguised amusement on her face.
He shook his head. "I wouldn't say attempt as that implies I failed. I didn't. I just found myself back in the circle two weeks later."
"So it's not the escaping you're bad at, it's the staying escaped?" I often marvelled at my baby sister's way with words. "There is a traditional way, you do realise. Instead of sitting in a brothel using your magic in lewd ways and practically advertising your whereabouts, you could, oh I don't know... hide?"
Anders sent me a withering look. "I'm starting to see a pattern with these Hawke sisters." He said to the onlookers.
"We're both beautiful, loving, sweet and caring? Each possessing a wonderful sense of humour?" I offered with a smirk.
"Rather you're both a pain in the backside."
"Hey!" Bethany and I cried in unison.
At that moment, Varric chose to step in, who I might add, seemed so much happier now his feet were on solid ground. "Now, now children, settle down. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eyebrow."
"Anders would like rather strange without his eyebrows." Merril chipped in. "I never really notice eyebrows until I see someone without them and think, wow... you have no eyebrows. Or if they're really bushy!"
And so the trek continued, with Bethany talking shop with Anders, Fenris teaching me curses in Tevinter, Varric entertaining Isabela and Aveline with unlikely stories while Merril continued to ramble on about eyebrows. To nobody in particular.
My feet felt heavy, even as we walked, and even though we stopped for as many breaks as time allowed, I couldn't get rid of the aching tiredness that sank through my entire body. I was unusually quiet and I could tell my friends had noticed because every time there was a brief lull in the conversation, I was dragged into a new topic and it would be up to Fenris, ever watchful, to rescue me. I would squeeze his hand gratefully. I had too much to think about. I didn't want to talk.
First, we were on the run. We had helped with a mage uprising, practically destroyed any semblance of a circle in Kirkwall, and I knew I would be held accountable – or at least that's what people would say – and I'd be hunted by the authorities, the chantry and by templar-enthusiasts They'd come for me. And for Anders.
Anders. Sebastian said he was coming for him. Two of my friends. At war.
The stress was starting to get to me.
It was late into the fourth day when I finally saw Denerim. I had gone on ahead, finally having enough of the to and fro between the three mages of our group and my own Fenris, and I began to crest a large hill before my fellows had even reached the base.
To begin with, I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going, too busy entertaining myself with sadistic thoughts about how to make my friends pay, but the sudden brightness made me blink and look up to scan my surroundings.
The last time I had visited Denerim, I was thirteen and we had arranged to go for the twins' birthday. Bethany had insisted, as the Orlaisian fair had been camped outside the city walls for a week and couldn't possibly be there for much longer. It had been raining so the fair was dreary, dull and dead and we ended up staying the night at the inn without even spending an hour amongst the brightly coloured tents, fluttering bunting and half-hearted playing of foreign instruments, which was an accomplishment in such miserable weather.
The next morning , however, my little sister got her wish, and spent the whole day dancing with goats, making flower chains with pretty stall vendors and learning to play the harp.
Now, however, as I crested the hill, I was struck by the beauty of the scene before me. The whole city glistened from the drizzle that had fallen, on and off over the last day, in the wake of the downpour we had been subjected to, the rising towers of the royal palace sparkling like diamond in the setting sunlight that was still partially dazzling me.
clos
I could hear the last desperate shouts from vendors, close to closing their stalls, the creak of wagon wheels as they rumbled over uneven cobbles and the laughter and chatter of healthy, cheerful citizens, content under the reign of King Alistair and his lovely Princess-Consort Reniselille.
Thw walls seemed so close, but at the same time, like a barrier, more than what was apparent. It was a whole different realm, a sparkling beautiful place that held no shelter for a fugitive and her band of aiders and abetters.
Bethany followed and came abreast with me, breaking my trance. "It's changed a bit." She said simply.
"It has been fifteen years."
"Oh don't. You'll make me feel old."
£Denerim."
To be honest, I had forgottena bout the exstence of the others. Bethany belonged in my daydream, so her presence did not cause alarm. Aveline's voice, if even for a moment, sounded alien.
"Now that was a voice." Isabela commented. "Even I don't have that much pent up frustration when it comes to Ferelden."
"That would be because everything you visit Denerim, you release that frustration Isabela." Varric intoned.
"Oh yeah."
Fenris snorted and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my head. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, which was harder than I thought it should be with Fenris' head resting on mine. "Haven't been to Denerim in fifteen years." It's strange being back in Ferelden, but it's not really hitting me..."
"None of it is, not for any of us." He squeezed me tighter. "This is all new to me."
I turned to Fenris, guiltly remebering that he had never stepped foot on Ferelden soil, let alone saw its glorious capital. As the others began to crest the hill and stood staring at Denerim, for a moment at least, Fenris and I were allowed our time.
"How are you feeling?" I asked him, gently.
"I'm doing fine." He said with a smile. "It's one of the advantages of carrying your home with you for so long. It's very easy to adjust to new surroundings."
I entiwinted my fingers in his." We'll have to make you a proper home then. One you won't have to carry around."
He smiled and shook his head. "My home is wherever you are, Tamlyn. No roof, walls or furniture could provide an anchor as holding, as steadying as you are. You, you are my home."
I felt my cheeks grow hot. "But home provides a sanctuary. A safe place, warmth and happy memories."
His smile faded a little. "I find myself lacking... in happy memories."
"Then we'll make some. In our home."
"I'd like that."
Our descent into the city was uneventful, with excited babbling between Bethany and Merril and more serious, practical conversations between the others. Anders, after failing to pull Bethany from her giggles with the small elf, was now asking Carric how they were to settle in Denerim.
"We have money." Varric was telling him. "Hawke and I took enough for a modest dwelling or two – and that will see us well enough until we get jobs, pull in enough money to break off 0 live properly again."
"Is that even possible?"
"Good question, Blondie, but it's always worth a try."
We rented several rooms in the Gnawed Noble and took supper in the large common room. We were all tired from our four -day trek and conversation was scarce, the only sound left was the murmuring from the other partons and the chink of cutlery on rough bowls. The soup was warm and the bread had been baked that very morning so I went to bed with a full, happy stomach.
With eight of us, it wasn't possible to rent two rooms, so we had to dip into our savings to rent another, which I was supposed to be sharing with my sister, but when I finally opened the door, I was rewarded with the sight of Fenris, gently peeling off his armour. I stopped for a moment, watching him before he turned to me, green eyes warm.
"Oh! I – I'm sorry Fenris! I thought this was the room I'm sharing with Bethany. I'll go, sorry." I didn't know why I was so embarrassed, it's not like I hadn't seen him naked before.
He laughed, a pleasing sound and reached forward to catch my hand before I could flee.
"Calm down." He told me. "I cleared it with Varric. Bethany's with Anders and Merril next door."
"Oh." I suddenly felt rather silly. "Oh."
He laughed again and pulled me closer, sitting me on the bed. "You're tired." It wasn't a question but I nodded anyway. "It's been a very long day – for all of us."
"Four very long days ." I corrected. I flopped backwards onto the bed, savouring the feel of soft down, rather than the root of a tree digging into my back. "You know, I'm not keen on the idea of Anders sleeping in the same room as my baby sister."
Fenris busied himself with removing the rest of hi armour and only smirked in reply. In the comfortable silence, broken only by the cheerful crackling of the fire in the hearth, my eyes began to droop as sleep crept up on me. I don't know how long I was asleep for, I had a fleeting image of a warm meadow, a glittering lake, before my eeyes flickered open. I had moved, now curled up on my side facing the fire while Fenris perched on a chair near the vanity, reading a book. Only he wasn't reading, he was watching me. Caught, his eyes flicked back to his page but his mouth tilted up at the corner in a smirk.
"How long was I asleep?" I asked groggily.
He placed his book down carefully and stood, only to sit on the bed and reach out to stroke my blonde hair. "Only an hour. Suffice to say, you were half asleep when you came in." He had dressed himself in a loose white shirt and soft brown leggings. He looked normal. I remembered the first time I saw him in comfortable clothing. I barely recognised him. But here, he was undoubtedly my Fenris, changing with our situation.
I pulled myself up, crawled forward and flopped down again, my head on his lap. He was warm, a stark contrast to the last four days and our miserable trek across Ferelden, exactly what I needed.
"You're funny when you're sleepy."
"Shuddup."
He pulled himself fully onto the bed, and pulled me along with him so we were both lying down, my head pillowed on his chsst. I sighed and stretched out as his arms tightened around me.
"Does all this feel strange to you?" I asked him.
"What, Tamlyn?"
"I flicked my arm up. "This! Fleeing Kirkwall, coming to Ferelden. I know you've done things like this before, but does it feel odd, knowing that you're finally free?"
I cpould almost hear him scowl. "I've always been under Danarius' thumb, even when I thought I was free, and it's difficult. I keep catching myself looking over my shoulder, jumping at shadows. I can't get used to it. I've never been my own man.
"You are now." I held him tighter, the slow barrier of sleep gently caressing my mind again.
He hesitated for a moment. "No... I don't think I am."
I jerked awake, sitting up to look at my Fenris. "What?" I feared a look of distress or one of pain across his features but he looked calm, peaceful... happy. He saw the panic in my eyes and laughed, pulling me to him again.
"Oh Tamlyn." He kissed my head. "You misunderstand. Through my life, I've never been free, I've been a slave, a tool, a weapon. Danarius used me as a loyal hound until you released me from his clutches. But then I was enslaved in a different way." He held me tightly. "Your eyes, they always softened when you looked at me. You'd smile and I'd feel at peace. You'd kiss me or touch me and I'd shiver. Tamlyn, I can't stop thinking about you. I sat up again and looked down at him. He smiled and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I'm your slave Tamlyn. I love you."
"Fenris." I murmured, my voice catching in my throat. I leapt back down and crushed my lips to his. His arms were waiting for me and easily slipped around my body, holding me tightly as if he were afraid of me disappearing, losing me to the air. Our lips parted for a moment, just long enough for me to whisper, "and I love you."
He smiled and crushed his lips against mine again.
I didn't want to sleep, but after our travelling, Fenris didn't leave me with much of a choice, demanding that I rest but promising we'd have time for us in the future, near and far.
I woke early with the sun, my head pillowed on Fenris' bare chest (I had at least talking him out of his shirt) while his even, deep breathing told me he was still asleep. I dared not move and disturb him as, even though he hid it well, he was just as tired as the rest of us, even more so as he had been watching over the group while we travelled. So I lay there, peaceful, listening to the discordant symphony of a Denerim morning, songbirds, merchants setting up stalls and even a woman singing as she hung out the washing nearby. But something felt off. Like the calm before the storm. This peace, I felt, wasn't going to last.
"I know you're awake." Fenris' calm voice almost made me jump. "Your breathing changes."
I smiled and stretched. "I thought you were still asleep."
I felt him shake his head. "I slept enough. I'm used to late nights and early rises. Anything different feels like laziness to me."
We lay there for about ten more minutes, listening to Denerim, until my itchy feet told me it was time to start the day, not that I even know what the day was going to hold for us – no one had the energy to plan last night so I assumed we'd figure it out as we went.
When we entered the large smoky common room, we noticed two members of our group were already there. Aveline and Merril.
"Good morning!" Merril said cheerfully.
Fenris just glowered while I sat down next to the sleepy ex-guard captain, who was wiping her eyes with a knuckle. "Morning Aveline." I said, calmer than our bubbly elven companion.
"Good morning, Hawke. I though you two would've slept in."
I shook my head. "Bad case of itchy feet. I don't like doing nothing... especially when I can still hear Kirkwall baying for my blood. I get edgy when I am less than a continent away from people who want to kill me." The ladies had ordered a pot of porridge and a couple of large slabs of lean ham. I pulled the bowl toward me and spooned a healthy portion for myself, cutting off some ham too. "How did you sleep?"
"Awfully." Aveline replied. "Bed was too big and Varric and Isabela don't snore. I miss Donnic."
"I'm sure he's fine."
"Oh, I don't doubt that he's okay. But I'm not. I want my husband back. I know he had to stay, to cover our tracks but... I wish he'd come too." She was toying with her food, hardly eating anything.
"He'll catch us up." I tried to assure her.
"But when, Hawke? Until it's safe? When is it ever safe? When will it be safe? You are public enemy number one in Kirkwall. Any chance of getting at you, they'd take it."
"Aveline."
"I know. I'm sorry. Just a rough night," she gave me a rueful smile. "You did ask."
"He'll come. I promise." I told her. "If not I'll send Varric to go fetch him. Give him more experience on bloody ships."
Aveline smiled but then sat up straight. "That reminds me! Varric's gone househunting."
I blinked. "Already?"
"He said 'bargains won't find themselves,' and left."
"He really wants somewhere to hang his hat." Merril chipped in. "A dwarf buying a house in Denerim isn't unheard of, outcasts from Orzammar... but you Hawke, you're too well known, even here... he probably left early to avoid the row."
"Well, he'd need my share of the money." I countered, a tad smugly. It smarted a little, Varric making such big decisions without me.
"He took it this morning." Fenris said softly. "He came in when you were sleeping." At my appalled expression, he shrugged. "I didn't want to disturb you."
"So you all let him waltz out of here with my money... without waking me?"
Fenris and Aveline didn't even have the decency to look guilty and Merril squeaked a little "I didn't," in a worried tone. I sighed and shoved my spoon in the porridge.
"You know why." Aveline told me in an even voice. "Merril is right–" ("I'm right?" Gasped Merril) "you can't be seen, you're famous and that tattoo is very distinctive," I self-consciously touched the green tattoo around my eye and frowned, knowing that she had a point. "It's best that you stay here... for now."
"We're just trying to keep you safe." Fenris took my hand.
Aveline picked up though. "Varric did say something about telling your story a llittle differently though, change your appearance – what happened in Kirkwall... make it more fanciful... so you can move freely around Denerim. It won't be for a while but it's a start."
A start. That's all my friends had to offer me. I sat there drifting into depression as they tried to make me feel better with empty words and hollow promises. About an hour after Fenris and I had risen, Anders and Bethany made an appearance and sat down to eat with us, Anders becoming more and more uncomfortable the more I insisted on glaring at him. I wasn't being fair, taking my temper out on him, but he seemed to be getting a little too close to Bethany and I had to make my sentiments known. I did not like it.
Not Anders. Not Bethany. No.
An hour after that Isabela got up, stared at our not so jolly group and decided she was going out – no one asked where, we all bloody knew – and opened the floodgates. One by one, members of our group stood and left the tavern, itching to explore the city of Denerim until there was only Fenris and I left. I knew he wanted to explore, to get his barings in the city that was about to become his home, but he also knew I couldn't follow for the time being, so he stayed. Until I, angry and hurt, all but pushed him out of the door, wanting more than anything to be alone.
It's not how I expected things to go.
I didn't think I'd be under house arrest in a bloody tavern with my friends conspiring against me. I didn't think after all we'd been through that I'd be useless and left behind like a forgotten... thing that no one gave two hoots about. I didn't think. That was the problem.
I felt more than stupid. I should have known that it was not going to be as simple as coming to Denerim, find a home and live. There was going to be a lot of hiding and laying low – people would be hunting for the Champion of Kirkwall, especially if they had the forethought to post a reward for my being apprehended. Dead or alive? I wasn't sure.
No. I was sure they wanted me alive. To make an example.
But with the collapse of the Chantry, I wasn't exactly sure who they were and whose pockets would be funding my capture.
It was a total mess. No wonder Aveline was crumbling. I barely held myself up and any example of strength that could be found from me was more often than not Fenris doing it for me. He did the same when I had last my mother, when everything resembling Hawke disappeared. He was my best friend, the only thing that existed outside my dreamworld. His presence helped me realise that despite him leaving me, he really did love me and wanted, beyond anything, to help me.
I made my way into mine and Fenris' room and sat down heavily on the bed, throwing my head into my hands. If it were just me, on my own, I would not have lasted two days. Without Isabela's sense, I wouldn't have found a decent ship to take us to Ferelden. Without Aveline, I wouldn't have been able to avoid, or distract, guards. Without the mages I would have been hounded by hungry wolves every step of the way. Without Varric, I would have gone insane a long time ago.
What did I give? Aside from trouble and the reason to flee Kirkwall with our tails between our legs.
My aiders and abetters were suffering because of me.
The rest of the day passed slowly, minutes ticking away like hours and hours not arriving when they should, but after what felt like weeks. So after four weeks, I pulled myself from my room and drifted to the bar, where I ordered an ale and sat, staring at the brown liquid and waited for my friends to come back.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I was still on that same tankard, staring at it, but not drinking, when Fenris, worried and guilty, came back, a mere four hours after I had pushed him out, but I wasn't. Or perhaps I was, I don't remember clearly. All the details I have of the incident were supplied by the others at a later date.
Apparently, what had happened was this:
Fenris was the first to come back, like I had said, worried and guilty, to the Gnawed Noble being entertained by a group of bards but had been unable to find me, looking in our room, the back rooms and even double checking the bar, guessing what the sudden imprisonment would drive me to, to no avail.
He was growing frantic, and by the time Anders arrived, he was fixing to rip the place apart. Now I don't remember any of this so all this was from Anders' mouth.
Fenris was standing by the bar, threatening to rip out the barman's throat if he didn't tell him where I'd gone when Anders had tapped my elf on the shoulder.
He rounded on him. "WHAT?"
"Put that dear gentleman down, would you, Fenris?" Anders said, quite calmly. "I don't think we need to start killing people."
"And why not?" Fenris demanded, frothing at the mouth. "My reason for existence has gone!" This bit I didn't believe and realised it was just Anders being Anders. A blockhead.
Anders pulled a smug expression and pointed to the small stage where the bards were playing. On first inspection you'd count four bards, but after looking closer, the woman singing had blonde hair and a very familiar green tattoo around her right eye... and was also swaying dangerously.
Me... apparently.
According to Anders and Fenris, I had gotten myself totally sloshed on ale and bribed the bards with yet more ale to allow me to join their merry band. The boys guessed they were already on their way to being drunk anyway so any convincing would not have been difficult. Now the boys said I was doing a good job of staying in tune and upright so the patrons hadn't minded but Anders decided it was probably prudent to get me down before I started singing about boobies. He spoke to the young lady on the lute and arranged for my release of whatever verbal agreement I'd engaged myself in.
Once I was down and finished bowing to scattered applause, I gave a little 'oh' of surprise at the sight of my rescuers and tried to kiss Fenris and hug Anders at the same time, exclaiming that I'd missed them and they should also join the bards. Anders could share Miriam's Lute.
While Fenris went to find me some water, I was left with Anders, who sheepishly admitted that he wasn't paying enough attention to me, I tried to wander off or rather, escape. It would have worked if Bethany hadn't chosen that moment walk in, take one look at me and demand to know who had let me get drunk.
After that, no one let me out of their sight.
So imagine my surprise, waking up in an unfamiliar place, having no idea how I ended up there, with nothing to greet me but a throbbing head, a dry mouth and an urgent need to vomit. I pulled myself up, quicker than I probably should have, with my head giving a nasty throb and stumbled to the only door in the room.
Four faces turned to star at me as the door crashed open, but I didn't have time to process who was who before someone said "she's going to blow," and pressed a pail into my hands, not a moment too soon.
I'd always hated being sick, especially after drinking too much, and the hangover I was now experiencing told me that was exactly what happened.
"Come on, Tamlyn. Sit down." Fenris, with amusement in his tone, was gently leading me to a squat chair.
"I'll get her some water." Bethany, who had passed me the bucket, which I was gripping like a life-raft, was less amused. I knew I wasn't quite done being sick yet. "Don't let her move around too much – she hates being sick."
I sat down and looked at my surroundings – just looked, I didn't have the strength of mind to make any deductions, and finally put names to faces. Fenris and Bethany of course, but the room was also occupied by Varric and Isabela, one of whom looked extremely sheepish.
"Welcome home, Hawke."
Thanks to:
Jackattack456: Soon enough for you? :P I had the first chapter written up – but you'll have to wait a little longer for the next one :) Thanks for your review and please continue to read! :)
