The streets were flooded with the first gold of the day, blinding light but no warmth. It was beautiful, and cruel – that no matter how many people died, no matter how screwed the world was, the sun couldn't care less. Jamie had realized that after his mother had died, but it still hurt. The show must go on.
But he couldn't. Not like that.

A police car passed him, the driving officer – Jackson – waving as he recognized his colleague. Jamie waved back, fighting down the sudden rage that made him want to scream at Jackson. Vinny was two weeks dead, and he was just going on as usual… which, of course, was exactly what he was supposed to do.
As his hands started to shake Jamie pulled to the side and stopped. He wasn't mad at Jackson, not really. After all, Vinny wasn't exactly everyone's best friend. He hadn't been Jamie's best friend… they hadn't even been normal friends for a long time. Silently, Jamie had for many weeks hoped that Vinny would be transferred or… break a leg.
But surely he never wanted him to die.

A knock at the window startled him.
"You're sleeping in here, Harvard?" Renzulli smiled, but there was an edge of worry in his face that hindered the rage to break up again. The sergeant had lost too many cops to ever forget about it, and Jamie was sorry for him – but right now it felt good to see the seriousness in his eyes.
Not everything was happy and bright again, at last.

As the wrinkles around Renzulli's eyes deepened Jamie hurried to get out of the car. "Morning, sarge. How you're doing?"
"Better than you" the sergeant answered, sighing. "Your shift's not starting for more than an hour, what you're doing out here?"

The lie was on his lips, together with a fake smile. Who cared for truth, after all? Vinny's killer was still not brought to trial. Or maybe he was, but for drug dealing and bad behavior. Not for killing an NYPD officer.

"Hey." Renzulli moved towards his former rookie.
Jamie swallowed. He had just remembered whom his rage was really directed to – his father. The Police Commissioner who used the death of one of his own to clear a district with hundreds of officers but then didn't bother to seek justice for the dead one.
"Yeah, I'm… I just…"
"I just missed my sessions with the shrink and now I hate the whole world" Renzulli completed, sarcastically.

Involuntarily, Jamie grinned. "Not quite. But... it's not fair. I mean Vinny's killer's probably still out there and we do nothing to find him."
"You really weren't seeing the shrink, did you?" The sergeant shook his head, more upset than concerned now. "Come on, Jamie, do I really have to babysit you to go there?"
"What would they tell me? To move on, to forget that my partner died in my arms right on the streets? To tell me that everything's fine and I'm just getting a new partner to be killed next to me?" His voice was loud in the clear cold air, and Jamie immediately regretted his words. "I'm sorry, sarge."
"Well, can't say I didn't expect you to burst sooner or later. I actually thought it'd be worse." Renzulli shrugged. "It wasn't your fault. You know that."
Jamie took a deep breath. There were too many things to say about that, too many unasked questions to utter – especially at six in the morning leaning at a car. "Thank you, sarge."

His old TO frowned. "How did you survive your undercover job with that little of a pokerface?"
Jamie held his glance as long as he could, but it wasn't long those days. His eyes were itching with tiredness, and the sergeant's old wise eyes only reminded him of a pair of other, older, wiser and usually kinder eyes.
When he was a kid, a student, an aspiring officer,… he had always known he could come to his father for advice, and he would help him. That was one of the elementary truths Jamie had based his life on.
And now he felt more alone than ever.