Chapter 1- "Where The Hell Are We?"
I spit out sand as I opened my eyes to see the beach. We had washed up on some kind of island. I looked around to only see the wrecked plane and WT tanning himself. Wendy was nowhere to be found. I got up quickly and began shouting for Wendy, I knew the damn bitch would be the one to get lost but at the same time we needed to fine her because we're all survivors. I continued calling Wendy as WT got up to go look for shelter and food. For a scarecrow he was hella cool. He knew all about survival because he got stranded a lot in the army but it was never on an island. So, basically we have dumb, dumber, and dumber on the island. WT began bringing back sticks as I still called for Wendy.
"WENDAAAY! WENDAAAAY! Goddamn it, answer me!" I shouted. "WT! Drop the stupid sticks, we have to find Wendy first!"
WT agreed. "You're right, Cartman. Best we find her first before somethin' bad happens to her."
I looked at WT. "Where do you think she went? Man, I'm so worried about her. What if she didn't make it or something?"
WT laughed. "You sure worry a lot about Wendy. You got a crush on her, Cartman? Sounds like you do."
I glared. "Eric Theordore Cartman doesn't fall in love! I hate Wendy! I hate her feminist ass! I can't stand it when she gets her hands on female topic! She'll go on and on and on for--"
I heard rustling nearby as Wendy popped out of the bushes. "Go on about what, Cartman? Were you talking about me?"
I stopped stiff. "No...It wasn't about you, bitch! It was about how I miss my chicken pot pie and cheesy poofs!"
Wendy just sighed. "You're always so mean, Cartman. I know that you aren't like that all the time. Why aren't you nice to me?"
I sighed heavily. "Because...In politics you would be my enemy...Feminists bitch too much!"
Wendy glared at me. "There you go again, you piece of lard! You always do that too me!"
I was going to nail her. "Wendy, you do realize you have gotten you're boobs done before, right? That's slutty behavior, young lady."
WT's eyes went wide open. "The hell?!?!? She went under the knife?!?!? That be illegal!"
I began laughing. "WT, you haven't lived in South Park, Colorado to know that anything goes over there. You can do whateva you want!"
Wendy growled. "I was only jealous of Bebe! Cartman if I ran for political office you would trash me in the tabloids!"
I laughed so hard I was on the ground still laughing. Of course she's right. I would trash Wendy so she wouldn't be a threat to my politician status. I have so much dirt on that girl, I could write a book about it but she would kill me. Oh well, I'd still publish it to humiliate Wendy because I hate her guts and her bitchy self. Wendy glared at me as I pulled her pink barree and began running around the island with it. She chased after me as I threw it on the ground and sat on it. She was mega pissed and decided to take my Megaman action figures away. Ey! That's not fair! Those are my Megaman action figures! I saved up for those with my own money!
"Wendy! Give me back my Megamans!" I yelled until I saw her take out a knife and put it to Megaman's throat. "Wendy, that's plantinum Megaman! Don't! Ok, here's your hat back!"
Wendy smiled. "I won't do it if you promise to stop bitching about me. That's all you seem to do, Cartman."
I shook my head. "No deal, Wendy! I'll trash you if I want to! You don't tell me what to do, bitch!"
Wendy put her hands on her hips. "Cartman, we have to work together to get out of this mess! You're being a stupid pig!"
I threw seagull poop at Wendy's face. "You like my wrath, Wendy? Respect my authoritah! Bow down and worship me, Wendy!"
Wendy glared even harder. "You bastard! I'm GOING to knock your FATASS--"
WT got in front of both of us. "Alright, that's enough of the bitchin'! You two fight like lovers, why don't you two just go out already?"
Wendy and I read each other's minds. "NO!"
WT laughed. "I think you two are meant to be. I can already kinda see it."
Oh my god, I so wanted to slap WT. What the hell does a scarecrow know about dating? He's dead wrong! I want nothing to do with Wendy! We don't get along and we have different views on stuff! How could that ever work? It's both her fault mostly and WT's for getting us screwed on this island! Now we would have to sleep on rocks, eat fruits all the damn time, and be out in the stupid sun all day long! That was not what I wanted to do. What I WANTED to do was be at home curled up to my nice warm Mr. Kitty watching Terence and Phillip fart or watch Jackass! I bet you Kyle wished this horrible accident on me! That damn Jew, he's probably celebrating!
WT and Wendy got logs and palm tree leaves and began building huts. I just sat there and watched them, it was too damn hot to work. I watched Wendy closely and got up after seeing that she was building her hut completely wrong! I got up next to her and tripped her and began building it myself. She sat there and just watched me complete her hut. It looked way better than when she tried to do it and I bet she was hella jealous it came out that way. She just sat there and looked at the ocean. WT got his hut done as he built another one for storing food and other shit. I didn't think it was needed but whateva, he can do as he pleases.
Wendy looked at me. "Cartman, we're sharing a hut! You better keep it clean or else!"
"Oh that's weak! WT! Was this your idea? What did you say to Wendy?"
WT smiled. "I told her that you was concerned about her a lot. She liked that a whole lot!"
I sighed. "I guess that's ok. Don't think I like you, Wendy. I can't stand you!"
WT picked up a weird looked crate which was loaded with dynamite! He lit a match. "Hey guys, I found my smokes! I didn't know I ordered the extra large kind! I'm goin' to smoke it now!"
Wendy and I leaped for the box. "NO!"
A huge explosion filled the island. WT went liked two hundred feet in the air! Wendy looked at me and pointed to the destroyed huts. I just wanted to stick WT in the fire and just watch him burn. I'm surprised the dynamite didn't kill him. It should've! He was stupider than I thought, he must be on too many medications or something to make that stupid mistake. Everyone knows dynamite is red, even Megaman himself knows! WT though it was cigarettes, that is lame, lame, lame, and more lame added on an enchilada. Man, I can't wait to see what other stupid things, WT gets himself into.
Wendy just smiled. "I guess we have to start over. That's the only thing we can really do."
"WHAT?!?! I'm starving here, Wendy! We need to find food and bring it hyah!"
Wendy shook her head. "No, Cartman. The shelter comes first, it's almost sunset and we have to build before night!"
I sighed. We serioulslah lacked leadership in this group. WT got the logs and leaves and started over from square one. I just wanted to go home and leave the two of them. Wendy went to go gather flowers as I ran after her. I don't know why I did! I didn't tell my feet to move and they moved on their own! Well, it beats the crap out of helping WT build the huts over. He can do that himself.
OOO
We were getting ready for bed when Wendy sat up and looked at me. She crossed her legs. Goddamn it, she needed to piss! I threw the blankets that I found on the plane over my head. I wasn't taking her to the bathroom. I ignored her. She shook me so hard I began cursing at her every time she did it but it didn't matter. She kept going. I sat up.
"Go ask WT to escourt you to the forest! I'm too tired to walk thyah now!"
Wendy looked at me. "He passed out hours ago! Didn't you see the huge amount of vodka he drank? I never seen a scarecrow drink so hard. He threw up too."
I sighed and turned my back. "Wendy, you can go out by yourself. Just do it, no one will see you."
She whimpered. "Cartman, I'm scared. Can you watch--"
"EWWW! Ey! I'm not watching you do that! I'm not a perv, Wendy! You're a sick little girl, aren't you?"
Wendy growled. "I didn't say it like that! I just wanted you to watch my back so nothing bad happens to me."
I sighed in frustration as I got up. "Alright...Come on, let's get this over with..."
Wendy smiled. "Cartman, my feet are killing me? Can you carry me there, please?"
I went livid. "Fine! Don't expect me to do this again. I'm only doing this because wild animals live out there!"
Wendy jumped into my arms willingly as I walked out of the hut. She looked at me as I tried my best to get myself to the forest. Wendy kept telling me to hurry up. I ran as fast as I could and I was getting too tired. She should just piss herself, I'd like to see her do that. I'd laugh for days knowing she did that. We got to the forest as I put her down, she didn't move. I grabbed her arm and lead to a spot where she could do it and she came running back out. She was complaining that it was too dark and too this. She didn't have a choice and I sure didn't want to see her do it. She needed to go before I left her there.
"Wendy, just squat and do it. That's how girls do it." I replied. "I'm sure you've done it before."
"Yeah but it's awkward...."
"Wendy! It's dark, it's not like the whole world will see your cha-cha! Just go already!"
She sighed. "Ok, ok, ok. I'll go, turn your back Cartman. I have too poop too."
I snickered. "Wendy has to shit! On my god, I told you that airline food is crap!"
I looked out into the ocean as I waited for Wendy to finish. I walked around for a little bit until she came to find me wide eyed. What the hell happened this time? It's like she saw a murder or something. She ran to me and hugged me. Talk about invasion of space! I hated being that close to....Wait...No, I find it comforting...Yeah...Wendy is so soft....She feels like Mr. Kitty. Oh man, I love that soft feeling. Her hair was beautiful too....A midnight black....so pretty and sexy...WAIT! I didn't say that! I-I swear! It doesn't count if your thinking it! I pushed Wendy off of me and backed away from her.
She seemed annoyed. "Cartman! You aren't supposed to do that to a lady! You're supposed to comfort me!"
I turned my back. "Wendy, you need no comforting from me. That's Stan job!"
Wendy stopped stiff. She looked away from me. "He's not good at that sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea to be with Stan...He seems like he doesn't know what love is...Cartman I..."
I stopped. "You're meaning to tell me he's not a good boyfriend? Is that it?"
Wendy sighed. "Well....Sometimes I feel like I should try something new...Someone more up on the scale..."
I began to get excited. I'd love to take Wendy off Stan's hands and see him get jealous. It's time it happened anyway. I suddnely felt old feelings coming back. I had liked Wendy for awhile but then Stan got his hands all over her and I missed my chance. I only kissed Wendy because I wanted to make Stan jealous but after she went back to him, I was lonely and sad over it. I would look at Wendy sometimes and think "Goddamn, she's hot." other times it would be "I hate you so much, Wendy." I was just so confused...Goddamn it! Why does love have to be complicated?!?! No wonder people get divorced and cheat all the time!
"Wendy. How high on the scale are we talking?"
She smiled. "I don't know, maybe someone like you..." She giggled. "You're so funny, Cartman. You should've seen your face when I was about to murder Megaman!" She laughed more. "You said cha-cha!"
I grinned a little. "Well, my mahm taught me that girls have cha-cha's and boys have whodillys." I paused. "Cha-Cha!"
Wendy began laughing. "Say it again!"
I cleared my throat. "Cha-Cha! Cha-Cha! Cha-Cha! Megaman's hidden Cha-Cha!"
Wendy fell on the floor dying. What was so funny about a cha-cha? Seriouslah, my mahm taught me to say that. I don't get why it's so funny to her. Maybe it's how I say it or something. Man, Wendy is freaking me out a little bit. Maybe WT slipped her some of that vodka. Oh man, that's bad. Wendy was still dying as I started laughing a little bit. I didn't know she found me so amusing. It kind of made me feel good....WAIT! That's not it....It's not......Oh I don't know, I give up with you people! Wendy recovered from laughing as she found a mango on the ground. I grabbed it from her.
"No, Wendy. I saw it first. Get your own mango!"
She gave it to me, no questions asked. "Here, you have it. I'll starve, you said it yourself...You come first."
I dropped the mango. "No, that's ok. See, there's another one over there. Take that one."
She walked over to it. "Thanks Cartman. Umm....Can I ask you something?"
I sighed. "Wendy, I'm too tired. We have to get back."
Wendy looked away. ".....Ok."
We walked back to the hut. I looked at Wendy who looked like she was about to cry. What did I do this time? It's always my fault when something went wrong. I stopped and Wendy continued pass me. She sat away from the bed until I figured out why she was so upset. I took all the blankets for myself. She looked at the blanket and then at me then at the blanket. It was starting to making feel sorray, damn it! I hated feeling like I owed someone something. Wendy then flashed me a cute look so cute, it hurt my eyes and gave me an eye infection! I was so pissed that she did that to me. Now I had to bother WT for his medicine when he woke up. I began itching my eyes like crazy. God it hurt.
"OK! OK! Here, Wendy. Take some of the blankets! I was only kidding!" I yelled. "You gave me an eye infection, you bitch!"
Wendy smiled. "Thanks, Cartman."
Wendy put her head on the ground and began sleeping. I went to go close my eyes and I heard deep growling nearby.
"W-Wendy....W-Wendy." I said as I shook her. "There's a monster out there!"
I went outside to only see WT with a sheet over his head moaning and carrying on! Damn it! What's wrong with that scarecrow? He must've had too much vodka. Seriouslah, he drank like ten bottles in one time. He was seriously messed up. He thought Wendy was his daughter and he thought I was the FBI. Man, he was helllla-mega-ultra-super drunk! He had a machete in his hands and began hacking away at the fire until he caught on fire.
I just went back to bed. Getting involved would've made me too tired.
