It will be amazing, truly, if anyone bothers to read this. Good luck to you.

DAWSON'S PATRONUS

Dawson: Hi, my name is Dawson. I am an 18 year old wizard about to enter Hogwarts University, to learn more about magic and to set myself up for a career in the magical world. I am moving into my dorm today; I'm living in Hufflepuff Hall. I hope my roommate is cool.

Joey: Hi Dawson! Look, my room is just down the hall from yours!

(They kiss)

Dawson: This is my girlfriend, Joey. We have been together since wizarding junior high school. She is going to study Herbology as her major at Hogwarts, but I am still Undeclared. She is constantly hounding me about declaring my major, and it's not even the first day of school!

Joey: Have you given any thought to your major yet? Maybe you have decided that you want to do Herbology, like me?

Dawson: See what I mean?

Joey: Oh, I saw your cousin Pacey on his way to work at Merlin's this morning. He said to let him know if you need help moving in.

Dawson: My cousin, Pacey, is a Muggle, and sometimes forgets that because I have magic, I don't really need help doing much. A simple Levitating charm will get all these boxes into my room, so manual labor is just not necessary.

(Clive Owen enters)

Clive Owen: You must be Dawson. I'm Clive Owen, the student body president at Hogwarts. My cousin, Ian Somerhalder, is your roommate. Have you seen him around at all?

Dawson: No, but I just got here, so it's possible he was here and then left.

Clive Owen: I kind of doubt it. He will probably roll in sometime around dinner…

(He exits, looking frustrated)

Joey: Wow! He is one hot wizard. I wonder if his cousin looks anything like him?

(Ian Somerhalder enters)

Ian Somerhalder: Hey hey hey, party people. Is this my room? Hufflepuff Hall?

Dawson: Yeah, it is. I'm Dawson, and this is my girlfriend Joey. I guess we are roommates.

Ian Somerhalder: Cool. Well I think I'm going to go check out the campus, and maybe head over to that Merlin's place. I'll unpack later. See you kids around.

(He exits)

Joey: Wow, he is really hot, too! Just like his cousin. They must have really good genes.

Dawson: Yeah, but Clive Owen has that ruggedly handsome thing going, whereas Ian Somerhalder is more of a pretty boy.

Joey: Um…what?

Dawson: Shit. Obliviate!

END SCENE

Pacey: I'm Pacey, the bartender at Merlin's here in Hogsmeade. Today is Hogwarts' move in day, so I am expecting a lot of business, in addition to the regular crowd of townies and wizard townies. I am a Muggle, but since my cousin Dawson is a wizard, I am very well-informed of the goings on in the magical world.

(Misa enters)

Misa: Hey, Pacey! How was your summer?

Pacey: My summer was pretty boring, actually. We don't get nearly as much business when Hogwarts is out for the break. Can I get you something to drink?

Misa: Oh, well, since you asked so nicely, could I have two strawberry margaritas on the rocks? Laura is meeting me here and we are going to plan our schedules.

Pacey: Laura is Misa's roommate and best friend. Their other best friend, Kate, is a junior and lives in a single in Gryffindor Hall. They hang out here all the time, whether it's to party or study.

(Laura enters)

Laura: Pacey! Misa! What a pleasant surprise. Is that a margarita you are making for me, Pacey? Good man. Okay Misa, I have a plan to make our classes this year totally awesome.

Misa: Laura, I think your definition of totally awesome and mine are quite different, but let's hear it anyways.

Pacey: Laura is always hatching these crazy schemes in order to have fun, and Misa is much more serious and studious. But when they get going on a Saturday night, watch out! Things get pretty rowdy.

Laura: OK, so I have officially declared my major to be Potions, which you did last year, so now that we have the boring intro classes out of the way, we should totally take some crazy potion making classes! I found this one that Professor Grubbly-Plank teaches that is all about how to prepare potions for animals! We start out with dog biscuits and stuff, and then for our final exam, we prepare veterinary liniment! It's totally relevant to our lives, because then we can use this stuff for our dog!

Misa: Laura, for the millionth time, we are not getting a dog. And while that class does sound very…interesting, I think we would be better off taking potions classes that apply to humans. Like this one: Poisons and Antidotes 200. That is a required class, and it is very useful.

Laura: I guess…ooh look, a class about love potions!

Pacey: This cannot be good.

Misa: Okay, we can take the love potion class. It would be useful to learn how to counteract those kinds of potions. I hear they can be very dangerous.

(Kate enters)

Kate: Oh hell no, you two should not be allowed anywhere near a class about love potions. Hogwarts will never be safe again.

Pacey: Kate sometimes makes fun of Laura and Misa for their boy-craziness, but it's widely known that she has been in love with Clive Owen since her first day at Hogwarts.

Laura: Hey, Kate! How's the single in Gryffindor? Have you seen Clive Owen walking around? How's that going, by the way?

Kate: Jeez Laura, it's not like I'm in love with him or anything. I mean, I guess I've seen him. I ran into him this morning when he was looking for his cousin or something.

Misa: He has a cousin at Hogwarts?

Kate: Yeah, some freshman, Ian Somerhalder I think is his name. He is Pacey's cousin's roommate, actually. In Hufflepuff Hall.

(Ian Somerhalder enters with Delonte West)

Delonte West: Aw shit, this ain't no bar, dog! Ain't nobody up in this joint, shiiiit man I wish I ain't never left the ATL that shit is fuckin dope, yadadameaaan.

Ian Somerhalder: Who are you? Why did you follow me in here?

Pacey: This is interesting.

Delonte West: Shit son, I been tryin to tell ya. I'm Delonte, I'm a new student here. Some thug with a wand bounced me outa my hood, and now he tells me I've gotta learn magic or some shit like that. I tell ya homie, I just wanna ball, that's what I do.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, my cousin who is a senior told me that the basketball team at Hogwarts sucks pretty bad, so I guess you are shit out of luck man.

Laura: Hey, we didn't win last year because all our best players graduated. But there is some fresh new talent this year and I think we could go to state or at least districts. Delonte, you should join the team. I play for women's.

Delonte West: That's what I'm talkin bout! Damn shorty, you play ball?

Pacey: Laura is junior captain of the women's basketball team here at Hogwarts. To be honest, they suck worse than the men's team.

Ian Somerhalder: So, you must be Pacey, my roommate's cousin. What's the story with this place? Do people party here or anything?

Pacey: Yeah, Merlin's is usually pretty packed at night.

Misa: Oh my god Laura, THAT is Clive Owen's cousin! He is sooooo hot! I can't believe it.

Laura: If you say so. That Delonte guy is a fox. I wonder what his ethnicity is.

Misa: OMG, they are coming over here!

Delonte: Sup shorties, how you ladies doin tonight?

Misa: Um, it's the middle of the day.

Ian Somerhalder: Hey there, I'm Ian Somerhalder. You probably know my cousin, Clive Owen. He's the big man on campus, but between you and me, he's kind of a prick.

Kate: Clive Owen is not a prick! He is a great person, and he has superb leadership skills.

Misa: No, he is kind of full of himself. He thinks he's the hottest guy on campus, but he's totally not…anymore.

Ian Somerhalder: Well I can see there are plenty of cute girls around here for him to pick from. Hey, I think we are gonna take off and explore, but maybe I'll see you around?

Misa: Definitely.

Delonte West: Aight ya'll, keep it real. Girl, I better see you and your fine ass in this bar later tonight.

Laura: (swoons)

Pacey: It's like watching animal planet.

(Ian and Delonte exit)

Misa: Holy. Shit. I want him inside me.

Laura: ME TOO. We should totally play strip basketball.

Kate: I'll get some dirt on them first. I got a kind of bad feeling about Ian Somerhalder from Clive Owen.

Misa: Clive Owen is a snob. I'm sure Ian's not a sadistic vampire or anything. And even if he was, I'd still be down.

Laura: Agreed. Let's finish moving our stuff in, I want to get a jump on my corgi posters.

Kate: Did you get those Pit Bull puppy posters for me?

Misa: You two are retarded.

(Kate, Misa, & Laura exit)

Pacey: Looks like Delonte West and Ian Somerhalder are going to be in for an interesting year!