Chapter 1: When Reality Is the Nightmare

'All this time spent in vain, wasted years wasted gain, all is lost hope remains, and this wars not over' – Trading Yesterday/The Age of Information: Shattered.

Bella got into her dad's police cruiser as he picked her up from Seattle airport. He had loaded her luggage into the back of the car and they had hugged briefly. Nothing more needed to be said. There were no words to say. On the way back to Forks Washington, she looked out of the window and allowed a tear to slip down her cheek as she watched the grey and greenery pass her. She felt like the biggest failure and idiot to ever exist. She couldn't do anything right. She was back exactly where she started. She was back at the beginning. She didn't know why she had came back, she should have just stayed far away from this place. But she knew deep down that there was one reason she hadn't just packed everything up and moved far far away. That reason lay in the form of a beautiful tanned man named Jacob Black who she knew wanted nothing to do with her anymore. She couldn't blame him, she'd left. She'd been so convinced that Edward was what she had wanted, what she needed but he had clouded her visions. When she was with him everything was blurry and she was dazzled and intoxicated by him. The allure of eternal youth and beauty was so romanticized and she had been a foolish teenager who believed she was in love. She realised now that it wasn't a beautiful dream, it was actually a nightmare. Vampires were not an epitome of fairy-tales, they were not even alive. Jacob had been right all along and she had been to blind so see. They were cold and dead and they hurt living creatures in order to survive. Getting away from the supernatural and sleepy town of Forks and finally living in the real world had allowed her to see that. When she had; she'd ran. The tears started to cloud her eyes as the memories started to hit. The white hot sand, burning underneath her feet. The water, the eyes – the pain. Marrying Edward had been the biggest mistake of her life. She'd never wanted to marry him in the first place.

Charlie sensed that Bella was not in the mood for chit chat and didn't attempt to start any idle talk. Bella was glad Charlie didn't pry. She didn't want to have to talk about her failed teenage marriage or the fact that she didn't have the guts to go back to Phoenix with her mother. Renee had warned her countless times; she didn't need to hear it anymore. Bella unpacked her things and sat on the bed in her room. It was like she'd never left. Now that she was back, she didn't have any idea of what she was going to do with the rest of her life. That had all been mapped out with Edward but now she was fumbling for ideas. During her brief marriage they'd gone to college in New York after the disastrous honeymoon. Edward tried to appease her anyway he knew how but all he did was smother her and control every single aspect of her life. They shared the same classes, studied the exact same thing – English literature and shared an apartment together. Bella knew that this was normal of married couples but with Edward it didn't feel normal at all. He was with her at all times and she wasn't allowed to go out at night by herself. Edward said it wasn't safe. When he'd brought up the subject of changing her a year into college she found that she didn't really want to anymore. She didn't want to be a vampire. That dream had died long ago, as soon as they'd boarded the flight after their wedding to be honest. Edward was obviously hurt but he didn't push it. She finally reached breaking point a few months ago when Edward went away hunting. He had Alice watch over her in the house they'd bought together on the upper east side. She had planned to have a night alone to herself, to think properly for the first time in years and she had a babysitter. She was almost 23 years old and had a babysitter. She couldn't take it after that. She knew she had to leave. All of this thinking was making her head and her heart hurt. She lay down on the bed and tried to let sleep overtake her. She did not succeed.

Charlie knocked on her door gently much later. She awoke groggily and looked outside to see that it turned dark. She must have eventually fallen asleep.

'I just wanted to check on you' Charlie said a little awkwardly.

'I'm fine dad, I'll be down in a sec' she said. He nodded once and retreated out of the room. She ran her fingers through her hair and tried not to cry as she gathered her things for a shower. One downside of being home was that she was going to have to share the bathroom again with Charlie. Living life as a Cullen she had access to every luxury imaginable. Some girls might have stayed for that reason alone but in all honesty Bella really didn't care about materialistic things and copious amounts of money. What was the point of all that if you were miserable? She stayed under the hot water for a long time, trying to let it burn out all of the hurt underneath her skin. She was happy to see that her favourite strawberry shampoo was still here exactly where she remembered leaving it. Charlie really didn't change anything. It bought her a small amount of happiness. In the steamy haze she let her thoughts wander to her former best friend. It felt wrong using that word now that she knew it wasn't true. Jacob Black was a lot more than her best friend and he always had been. She just wouldn't admit it to herself. She wandered what he was up to these days. Had he finally taken over the pack as the rightful alpha? Did he finish school and have a job? Most importantly she wandered if he had a girlfriend? Maybe even a wife – his imprint… the thought made her feel sick. She cursed herself for feeling anger and jealousy. She had absolutely no right to feel this way. He had given her everything and she had just left him out in the rain and ran away to New York. He hadn't come to the wedding and she hadn't seen him for years. She started crying at the thought of him. She missed him so much. She'd written him for over a year much to Edward's displeasure but he never replied or returned her calls. He'd made it perfectly clear he didn't want anything to do with her and she couldn't blame him at all. But that didn't mean hurt any less.

She eventually made it downstairs and Charlie was in the living room watching television. He turned toward her as she came in and he cleared his throat before speaking and leaning forward slightly on his chair. He looked nervous?

'I told your mother you were here. She's so upset that you decided to come back here and not to Jacksonville.' Bella just shrugged her shoulders.

'Bella, there's also something else I wanted to tell you' he said seriously.

'I'm listening dad' she assured him.

'Well, I didn't anticipate you until tomorrow and I'd kind of already made plans. Billy is going to come up with me to watch the game. Jacob's coming too with his son, it's sort of a regular thing we do each time…'

He trailed off when he noticed that Bella had frozen. Jacob's son? She'd mentally prepared herself for everything, even the possibility of an imprint but a family? He had a family? She knew he had every right to but – she couldn't breathe properly and before Charlie could say another word she was out of the house. That hole in her chest was starting to make its presence once again and she could almost feel the walls closing in.

'Bella wait a second, where are you going?' he called as he followed her outside but she shook her head.

'No dad, really I'm fine. I'm gonna go…grocery shopping. You don't have any food.' She quickly got into her truck before he could say another word and drove off. She made it 10 minutes before she had to pull up at the side of the road. She put her head in her hands and let the sobs rack her body. There was absolutely no feeling that compared to this. Leaving Edward had been a walk in the park compared to this. This pain felt like grief and she knew she shouldn't be feeling this hurt so strongly but she couldn't help it. It snaked its way around her body leaving her empty and breathless. She finally had the guts to admit to herself that she had came back to Forks with some small intention of finding love with Jacob again. She knew it was a shot in the dark but there had to be some hope right? No. Now, that was all over. There was no hope, nothing was left. She wanted to die.

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Bella did make it back to the house. After crying her heart out and indeed going grocery shopping she found the will to drag herself back home. Even if it took everything in her. She couldn't keep running away from her problems like a silly teenage girl. She wasn't 18 anymore, she had to face things head on. She would go home and she would say hi to Billy and Jacob's…family. She'd make dinner for them and try not to pretend like she had a knife stuck in her chest. This was life and sometimes it really did fucking hurt. When she pulled up and got out of the car she was relieved to find that they hadn't arrived yet. That was good, she wanted to fix her face. When she walked in Charlie tried to stop her but she turned to face him on the bottom of the stairs.

'Dad, please. Just…don't say anything. I'm fine okay? I just want you to let it go.' Her face was hard and she was resolute in her decision. Charlie sighed but nodded giving up. Bella said thank you to him and went upstairs to wipe her face and try and cover up some of the redness. Tears were spilling from the pools of her eyes as she tried to conceal the spots with makeup. She wiped them away angrily as she tried to force her cries away. She was wrong, she couldn't see him, she couldn't do this. She'd go back to Phoenix with her mother and Phil and…the sound of the door opening and noise filling the small house was enough of a shock to temporarily stop the tears and she listened intently.

'HI CHARLIE!' The excited voice of a child screamed. That was Jacob's child. The hurt doubled in strength inside her chest and she felt like it was going to explode out of her. She then heard a familiar chuckle. Heat flooded through her veins, she hadn't heard that laugh in so many years. It had hurt her so much when he hadn't come to the wedding but now it was almost laughable. How dare she even have the nerve to invite him? After everything she put him through and how he felt about her, she had actually expected him to come. She had been so stupid. She despised herself. She heard hushed voices then and she knew that Charlie was dropping the bombshell that she was here. She didn't want to go downstairs but she knew she had to. She couldn't hide forever. She brushed her hair a few times, although it wasn't making any improvement and descended the stairs slowly. The house grew silent as she came into view except from a tiny little boy who greeted her on the bottom of the stairs with a quizzical look. He was without a doubt the cutest child she had ever seen. He looked exactly like Jacob from the wide brown eyes all the way to his dark chin length hair.

'Hi sweetie I'm Bella, what's your name?' she asked, trying to retain the pain that threatened to explode. She couldn't ignore a child.

'My name Isaac!' he grinned and then launched himself into her arms. Bella stood frozen for a minute, not knowing what to do before hugging him tightly. He was warm and it felt comforting to have him in her arms.

'Isaac, go into the living room please' Jacob's strong deep voice broke through the house. Bella immediately let go of the child and he frowned, quickly running off. They both stared at each other for what seemed like decades but in reality it was merely minutes. He was so beautiful, there were no words to describe him. She'd missed him so much. She wanted to just cry and run into his arms begging for forgiveness. She cleared her throat and was just about to speak before Jacob turned on his heels, following his son into the living room. Whatever Bella had been expecting, it certainly hadn't been that. Shaking her head, she went to start dinner. Throughout the course of her cooking she kept replaying the moment between her and Jacob. If she could even call it a moment. He obviously still hated her and that crushed her. She didn't know what she had expected when her and Jacob's eyes met for the first time in years but it definitely hadn't been him walking away. He hadn't even muttered a single word. Stupidly, she realised that maybe she had been hoping for him to fall in love with her again and sparks to fly but she remembered that Jacob wasn't Edward. He was human and things were not permanent for humans like they were for vampires. Humans moved on and things changed. She tried not to let the tear slip into the lasagne she was now plating. Why did she keep crying? She hated it! She'd been into the living room to know how many there was to cook for and she'd seen that Jacob and Isaac did not have a woman with them. The thought made her somewhat happy but she didn't dare to hope. She was probably at home or something. Bella called them when dinner was done and Charlie told her they were eating in the living room. She sighed and picked up three plates. Billy rolled in to get the others and muttered a small thanks. He didn't even really look at her properly. She gave Isaac his little plate first and he grinned and said 'thank you Bella.' Despite everything she had to smile, he was so cute. She set her own down at the coffee table and then turned to Jacob to hand him his.

'I gave you extra and there's some more garlic bread I can get you if you want?' She said to him nervously. Their first words in years and she was talking to him about food. Great. She shook her head, dumbfounded.

'Thank you' he murmured quietly. He glanced up at her for a moment before taking the plate and digging in. She went to get him more bread and sat next to him as they ate. Charlie and Billy were far too absorbed in the game to notice them and Bella was so curious, about so many things. She revealed being this near to him again, it almost felt like his warmth was soaking her up. She'd never missed somebody so much. They finished quickly. Jacob ate his food like he hadn't ate in years and Isaac declared it was the 'best sanya ever!' When he finished he climbed over Jacob to Bella and settled himself in her lap, showing her his new toy car. Jacob watched them both out of the corner of his eye but he made no attempt to remove his son from her. Isaac had obviously taken a strong liking to Bella. He chatted happily to her, telling him everything about his life and she couldn't help but notice he never once mentioned his mother. He was three years old, he loved his daddy very much, he liked playing outside, the beach, stories, cars and his best friend was his cousin Jeremy (Rachel and Paul's child.) Bella listened intently and chatted back to him loving the sound of his sweet voice and his lovely little smile. He was making her feel happy and welcomed back. She'd never given much thought to children before, a life she knew was impossible with Edward but looking at Isaac made her think a little. It made her consider and wander about the possibilities. Upon this realisation she started to conclude that a lot had been impossible with Edward. The simplest of things she'd never be able to have. She literally had to die just to be with him, change absolutely everything about herself. She felt slightly sick thinking about him. She could picture his face in her mind, the way he'd looked when she told him she was leaving…she'd broken his heart and it still crushed her somewhat but she was so happy she was free now. But free to do what? A voice echoed in her head. At one point she had everything and now she had nothing. How did her life end up this way?

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When the game finished Jacob stood up and announced it was time to leave. He'd looked on edge all evening and Bella knew he didn't want to be around her. She couldn't bear the thought of him leaving but she had absolutely no say in Jacob's life anymore. He was not the same 17 year old kid she left behind. He was a man now with a family to care for. And he'd made it pretty clear that he no longer cared for Bella. Isaac was getting sleepy and gave everybody a hug goodbye before letting Jacob lift him into his arms where he nestled into his chest and closed his eyes. Billy bid them goodbye before telling Charlie he'd see him tomorrow morning for their fishing trip. Bella saw them out to the door. She couldn't just let Jacob leave without saying anything, she knew she was in the wrong - if he'd just hear her out and let her speak to him. She reached out and hesitantly touched his shoulder. He turned around and glared at her and the look on his face scared her.

'Jacob, I'm sorry -' she started but he just cut her off abruptly.

'Save it Bella, I don't want to talk to you and I sure as hell don't want to listen to what you have to say to me. You think you can just show up here after five years, make me dinner and everything will go back to the way it was?' He was so pissed she was actually frightened. 'You left for years, married to that fucking leech without even calling me!'

'But Jacob, I did call you' she willed herself not to cry at his angry tone but they came anyway. 'I called you every single day for years and I wrote you too. As soon as I finished with Edward you were the first one I called but Billy told me to leave you alone. He said you didn't want anything to do with me anymore. You never replied to me so I believed him.'

A look of confusion crossed his features and he turned his head sideways to glare at his father in the wheelchair by his car, obliviously talking to Charlie.

'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you' she cried. He took a deep breath and looked at her again.

'I have to go' was all he said. Bella watched as he strapped Isaac into his car seat, helped Billy in and drove off. She watched until his car was a tiny speck of dust in the midst and then raced upstairs; leaving her heart shattered on the floor.