Man I'm tired but I couldn't help but turn on my computer and write this chapter. Even though I've written one chapter, I feel attached to this story already. I guess it's because it's more personal for me. Anyway, here's chapter two. Hope you like. Please review.
I DO NOT OWN JUNJO ROMANTICA!!!
Chapter Two
It was 2:00 in the morning and I woke up nauseated. I sat up, only to see the room slightly spinning. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh yeah. It's that stupid medication. I felt a lump in my throat. I tried to swallow it but it was difficult. I think I might really throw up. I took deep breaths but that didn't help either.
I got up from the bed, being careful to not disturb Usagi-san, and headed for the bathroom. I decided to use the guest bathroom because I didn't want him to hear me throwing up. I turned on the light and locked the door. I sat near the toilet, waiting to see if I could fight the urge to puke. So far nothing.
As I sat there, my mind started to race again. Suddenly I was thinking about Usagi-ani. Just thinking about how he wanted to steal me away still disturbed me. Did he honestly think that I would be ok with it and let it happen? I told him that I didn't want to be with him because I was with Usagi-san. He still didn't listen. Every time I would run into him, my heart would start beating faster because I was afraid that he would do something to me. I still couldn't forget that time that he kept me locked up in the closet of his house. That memory still kind of haunted me. Part of me thought that Usagi-san was never going to find me.
After time had passed, my stomach started to relax and I didn't feel nauseated. But for some reason I had that lump in my throat. Next thing I knew I started to cry. I didn't know why. I guess it was my body 's way of releasing the pain and stress that I was feeling. I put my hands over my mouth so that it would muffle my sobs. My body shook harder and I began to cry some more. I began to rock myself back and forth, my knees up to my chest.
Please! Someone help me! I want to stop crying. I can't stop these bad thoughts that are invading my mind.
Suddenly I heard some footsteps outside the bathroom. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I must've woken Usagi-san. Damn it. I don't want him to find me like this.
I got up and turned the faucet on as if I were washing my hands.
"Misaki? Is everything alright? I thought I heard cr-"
"Yeah I'm fine," my voice was a little shaky, "I just had to use the bathroom. I'll be out in a minute." I kept the faucet on so he couldn't hear my shallow breathing.
"O-Ok. See you in a minute." I heard him walk away and in to the bedroom.
Tears were still coming down my face. I wish I could talk to Usagi-san about this, but I could never do that. I don't want to bear him with my problems. He needs to focus on his work and on his life.
My head is starting to hurt again. I think I should really take something this time.
I looked in the cabinet for some painkillers but there wasn't any. I guess I need to buy some tomorrow.
For some reason, while I searched for painkillers, I saw that there was a shaver sitting on one of the shelves in the cabinet. I stared at it as if it was the first time ever seeing such a thing. I grabbed it, admiring it.
I wonder…no I can't do that. It would be really stupid of me. But…will it help? I hear it's dangerous to do but I hear people on T.V. that it helps relax you. They say that it makes them feel alive or sometimes makes them feel numb. I want to feel numb. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Should I try it to see?
I took the shaver apart until I was holding one of the blades in hand. I went over and sat on the seat of the toilet. I rolled up my sleeve until it was above my elbow. I laid my arm on top of my leg, keeping it in place. I took the blade and held it against my forearm. My hand that was holding the blade was shaking but I kept going, pushing the blade onto my skin. I closed my eyes and bite my lip and I dragged the blade across my skin. My body jerked at the stinging pain that shot up my arm. I wanted to scream but kept biting my lip. Breathing deeply, I opened my eyes, vision was a little blurry, but I could see blood seeping out of the wound that was created. I stared at it. It hurt like hell but…then it wasn't. The cut wasn't too deep so I wasn't freaking out so much. It's not like I pierced a vein.
I kept watching as more blood came out of the cut, and for some reason it was relaxing. Of course it stung, but seeing the cut across my arm made me feel relief. The pain that I was feeling was pouring out of me the same way the blood was pouring out of my body. It felt…good.
I think I found my solution.
I quickly washed away the blood from my arm and wrapped tissue around it. I wrapped it around enough so that the blood wouldn't seep through. I washed the blade and tucked it away in my pajama pants. Why pajama pants had pockets, I had no idea. But it held the blade safely away so I didn't complain. I made sure that no blood was on the floor or sink. I made my way out the bathroom and into the bedroom. I saw that the lamp was on and Usagi-san was sitting up.
"You said a minute."
"Sorry. My headache was coming back so I went and took some painkillers."
"Didn't you take some a few hours ago?"
"I did…but it didn't do anything."
"You shouldn't be taking so many pills within a short amount of time. It's dangerous."
"I know I'm sorry."
"Misaki, listen-"
"I'm really tired Usagi-san. Let's talk in the morning ok?" I heard him sigh, angrily, but ignored him as I laid on my side of the bed. He was still looking at me but I made no eye contact. I tucked myself under the covers. He turned off the light and lay down. I felt his arms go around my body, pulling me close to him.
"Misaki I love you. You'd tell me if there was anything wrong right?"
"Yeah, now go to sleep." I said. His grip tightened around me. He was worried but I couldn't tell him the truth.
After a few minutes, I heard him snoring lightly. Then quietly I whispered.
"I love you too Usagi-san. I'm sorry."
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The next morning, I woke up to the brightness that filled the room. I moaned as I didn't want to get up. I was still very tired. When I opened my eyes, I was in shock. My arm had blood stained on it. Shit! The cut was deeper than it was. I noticed that Usagi-san's arm was still wrapped around my waist. He was still snoring. Good. That meant that he didn't see anything.
I got up, sliding his arm away from me, and headed for the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeve and removed the tourniquet that I made. I flushed the bloody tissue in the toilet so there was no evidence of it around. I looked at my arm and saw that the cut had blood crust across it. At least the bleeding stopped.
Forgetting that I had class today, I went and took a shower. Right after, I cleaned the wound with peroxide so it wouldn't get infected and wrapped it again with tissue. In about 20 minutes, I had clothes on and my bag ready for school. Just as I was about to head out the door, I glanced at my watch. It was 6:50.
I'm forgetting something. What is it? Oh breakfast! How could I forget breakfast!
Realizing that I only had ten minutes until Usagi-san would come out of the bedroom, I dropped my bag on the floor and rushed to the kitchen. I knew that I wouldn't have breakfast done in ten minutes so I decided that we should eat cereal. I mean there's nothing wrong with cereal. It is food right?
As I got two bowls out, pouring cereal and milk in a rush, Usagi-san came out of the room.
"Good morning Misaki."
"Good morning Usagi-san."
He came down the stairs and took his place at the table. I placed the bowl of cereal in front of him and he just stared at it. It was like he didn't know what it was.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked.
"No. Nothing's wrong. I just…I don't think we've ever eaten cereal for breakfast before."
"Oh sorry. I kind of woke up late and I was rushing so I didn't have time to make anything. Is that ok?"
"Yeah. Cereal is just fine."
We both said our prayers and began eating our cereal. Glancing at Usagi-san, he was taking small bites, chewing it very slowly. As for me, I took one bite and I was done. I didn't have an appetite.
"I think I should go. I don't want to be late."
"But it's still early. And you didn't even finish your cereal."
"Not really that hungry. I guess I'm nervous about my exam." I got up, placing my bowl in the sink.
"Aren't you going to wash that?"
"I'll wash it when I get home. See you later."
As I got to the door, I felt a hand pull at my arm. I cringed as it was the arm that I had cut myself.
"I think we need to talk Misaki. There's something that's been bothering me."
"Can't this wait? I need to get school." I pulled my hand away from him but he only caught it again.
"No, this cannot wait. You've been acting weird lately and it's been bugging me. I told you that if there was anything that was bothering you, you should come and tell me. Please. I love you."
"It's nothing really. I've just…it's just been stressful at school. The exams are getting to me. I'm sorry if I'm worrying you."
"You're lying. I can tell when you're lying Misaki. I wanted to confront you earlier about this, but I waited to see if you would come and talk to me. Which you didn't. Now tell me what's really bothering you."
I could feel a lump rising in my throat. Why was it that he was able read me so easily? I wish he would just leave it alone. Please stop asking me what's wrong. I don't think I'll be able to control myself if I just let everything that I've had bottled up for so long out in the open. I can't let that happen!
"I'm going to be late for school. We'll talk later."
"No you will tell me now or-"
"Will you just drop it already! When I say it's nothing then it's nothing! Stop pestering me!" His eyes grew wide at the sudden rise of my voice. My body began to shake slightly. I couldn't believe what I just said. I pulled my arm away and ran out the door. I heard him yell for me but I didn't look back. I was too ashamed for what I've done.
When I got to school, breathing hard as I ran the whole way, Sumi-senpai waved at me but I just ignored it and went to class.
"Hey Misaki!" I heard him yell but I ignored him. I made my way to the bathroom, occupying the last stall. I sat on the toilet and put my hands on each side of my head. I began to rock back and forth, thinking about what I've done. I felt tears roll down my face.
No! I don't want to cry! Not now. Not at school.
I took my blade out, which was tucked away inside the small pocket of my bag, and pulled up my sleeve. I unwrapped the tissue, revealing my cut from last night. I placed my blade underneath the previous cut, putting pressure on my skin. I closed my eyes once again and pulled my hand with the blade across my arm. Again my body jerked with the sudden pain but I didn't care. It felt good. I opened my eyes and saw fresh blood seep out of my new wound. I actually found myself smiling. Even though I knew that this was wrong, I didn't care. As long as no one knew about what I was doing, I was free to keep doing it. I was in control and there was no one who was going to stop me. Doing this, I realized that this was going to help me get through my depression.
I wrapped more tissue around my arm, concealing both cuts, and pulled down my sleeve. I wiped the blood off the blade and placed it back in my bag. I left the bathroom and went to class. And just like that, I forgot why I was so upset this morning.
Well how was it? Please review. The more review, the more I feel encouraged to keep writing this story. Thanks!
