AN: Hello and welcome back, this time to the Mediumly-Sized Shack of Random Fanfiction. Despite the deterioration of the quality of my abode, I remain an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional being from the far corner of the galexy, and the true owner of all of the Harry Potter books, which J.K. Rowling blatantly plagarized. And if you believe that, I have a nice grindylow to sell you that would go great with that hippogriff.
ONWARDS ONCE AGAIN!
(More) Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists
Voldemort's dramatic red snake eyes are revealed to be nothing but mail-order contact lenses.
Hermione gets a makeover so that her hair stays in its Slinky Yule Ball incarnation all of the time. Ron, thoroughly disenchanted, starts going out with Viktor Krum.
A passing giant mistakes the Lovegood house for a saltshaker, and attempts to use it to spice up his dinner of captured Muggles, with somewhat disastrous results.
The Doctor of British Television Fame, also passing by, mistakes the Lovegood house for a cleverly disguised Dalek, with even more disastrous results.
Rodolphus Lestrange has a change of heart and uses his ancient family riches to open a Muggle orphanage.
Where, after twenty years of peaceful business, the newest incarnation of the Standard Evil Wizard is dumped on the doorstep.
No one is surprised.
Draco Malfoy and Fleur Delacour co-launch a hair product line called Blonde Bombshell.
Marilyn Mason appears, claiming to be secret lovechild of the Dark Lord and Bellatrix Lestrange.
Stripped of makeup, fangs, leather, and miscellaneous satanic rituals, he is revealed to actually be the son of Arabella Figg and an anonymous Muggle sperm donor.
Neville Longbottom, quite enjoying his new toughboy image, decides to take up professional boxing.
Heading to the arena for his first match, he is knocked out cold by a locket-wielding Kreacher and immediately disqualified.
Nine rogue Dementors are spotted riding on Threstrals through the countryside, muttering something that sounds like "Shire" and "Baggins".
This leads to the creation of a new, foolproof method of driving away Dementors, free of wand use, by pelting them with Lord of the Rings merchandise and rolled-up posters of Elijah Woods.
Igor Karkaroff returns from the most-likely-dead to front a highly successful series entitled Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy.
Gilderoy Lockhart, never one to miss out on a financial opportunity, fronts a series entitled Pimp My Broomstick.
This proves not quite as successful, as he is immediately sued by Molly Weasley for sexually inappropriate content and banished from the airwaves.
Professor Flitwick is revealed to be Yoda in disguise.
The Horcrux Cave is cracked open and used by tour guides as a particularly dramatic example of underground water structures.
Most of these tour guides are revealed to be free-lance Inferi, desperate for jobs following the demise of their primary employer.
Florean Fortescue's ice-cream parlor is condemned by health and sanitation inspectors.
The beverage selection at Hogwarts is expanded to include options other than "pumpkin juice", "iced pumpkin juice" and "holy shit, it's more pumpkin juice"
On special occasions, this includes real delicacies such as water.
Bill Weasley, whose wife's stunning beauty is beginning to make him feel slightly jilted and inadequate, starts having a gay love affair with Griphook.
The containment devices in the Ministry of Magic Love Room break down, causing both a dramatic spike in the level of random hook-ups and a dramatic drop in the demand for aphrodisiacs among the wizarding populace.
At the next Triwizard Tournament, the stylish, dripping entrance of the Durmstrang ship is completely ruined by what appears to be Orlando Bloom shish-kebabed on the mast.
Dolores Umbridge, always seeking to expand her sadistic torture horizons, begins teaching in the Muggle public school system.
