Purgatory

1. Roman Catholic Church A state in which the souls of those who have died in grace must expiate their sins.

2. A place or condition of suffering, expiation, or remorse:

You speak to Naveen sometimes, even though you know that he's dead. You're sort of dead too after all, you feel there should be some benefits to it, and so you speak to him as often as you wish.

'Hey Naveen,' you address him, 'Back when we were in the academy together, did you ever think it would turn out this way?'

He doesn't reply of course. He's dead after all, and you… you're still not dead enough to get an answer from him. Perhaps the truth is that Naveen has already reached heaven, and you're sitting here in purgatory, waiting to atone for your sins.

Because what else is this state that you're in; dead yet alive, alive yet dead. You can't go forward and you can't go back, and sideways is out of the question too.

And there are times… when you wish you really had died three years ago, in the blaze that destroyed your jeep. At least then it would've been well and truly over, you could've moved on, seen your best friend again.

You try to forget about what you would've left behind… what you did leave behind.

Because let's face it, you're no better off in that respect than if you really were properly dead.

You have lost her forever, lost all of them, with no hope of ever seeing them again, ever letting them know that you're alive.

You keep track of them of course, where they're posted, how they're doing. Almost all of them have already been promoted to Captain.

The only one that hasn't… is Naina.

Four bases in less than three years, and transfers with no official record of why they occurred. You know that she's been in trouble, that it's possible that she's floundering, that she has blamed herself for whatever happened.

You can't even let her know that nothing was her fault, that there's nothing for her to feel guilt over, and the thought tortures you, does not allow you to sleep.

You don't know how she is, how she's coping…

And in the end, what can you do about it anyway? You who are living this half life can never offer her anything; no stability, no comfort, no happiness.

So what if you loved her, if you would've died for her? The cold truth is that she's better off without you.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Your colleague Irfan asks you, a pitying look on his face as he watches you browse the army databases for any news, "Forget them… it will be easier for you in the long term once you've stopped dreaming of going back."

He knows what he's talking about… he's been dead even longer than you have, he stopped dreaming long ago.

But you… you still dream. It hasn't been long enough for you to completely give up yet, and in your weakest moments you dream that you could go back, once again become what you used to be.

You dream that she could be yours and you could be happy together, despite all of the things that stand between you…

That one day your sins would be paid for in total and you could receive your exit ticket from purgatory.

Your fist tightens, you clench your nails into your palm and abruptly you shut off the computer screen, turning around from it.

You are dead, you remind yourself, you are dead and you are not coming back to life.

You'll remain in this purgatory until you've served your penance.

A/N: I solemnly swear that I will post this story as quickly as possible until it is all uploaded!