The Trouble with Boys and Bimbos

It was only the second day of school, and I had already wanted seventh grade to be over with. I picked out a great outfit for Mr. Catherine. A lacy black blouse, blue jeans, and knee high black boots. I spent some time on my hair and reading our latest book for English, The Taming of the Shrew. But alas, Mr. Catherine did not notice me. Instead, I contracted some kind of friendship with two out of five Jennifers (Jennifer Kindler from Brooklyn and the one who goes by Jennifer Stacey Monger to stand out more). The two Jennifers have been following me all day, offering their thoughts on my life like a Greek chorus.

"Why aren't you and Billy going to the Fall Ball together," Brooklyn Jennifer asked today in homeroom.

I raised my eyebrows. "How do you know we aren't," I replied back.

I was planning on having Billy as an escort before I began working my way into Mr. Catherine's sights. "He asked Jessica Shoal to go with him today," Jennifer Stacey said. "Didn't you know?"

I did not know about Billy and Jessica Shoal, but I wasn't about to let the Jennifers know. "I knew," I said. "I didn't know if you two did."

"Do you like him," Brooklyn Jessica asked.

"Of course," I replied. "He is my friend, as idiotic as he may be."

"No," Jennifer Stacey put in. "She means do you like-like him, Mandy? As more than a friend?"

I felt my face flush as soon as she said that. "Of course not," I blurted. The idea of liking Billy was...odd. Strange. Peculiar. Not that...unthinkable. But...no. No. I was in no way attracted to him. Impossible.

"Why not," Brooklyn Jennifer asked. "He's cute." "Yeah," Jennifer Stacey added. "Everyone thinks so. Even Mindy does. Especially since his hair got darker." I supposed Billy had changed somewhat in appearance. I didn't really see it, though. I mean, his hair shade had settled between his mother's red and his father's dark black to sort-of light brown. And there was the nose thing. But his nose was still huge, so it wasn't that much of a difference. Not like the way Pud'n had changed. For one thing, he was now to be addressed as Pete. He grew a good five inches over the summer, his voice dropped, and he had a "mustache" (that really resembled an over plucked eyebrow). And he had "a girlfriend in Canada." I had predicted that the girls would be on Pete like flies on shit, but apparently, their interest was in...Billy. Odd.

"Tell us stuff about Billy," Jennifer Stacey urged. "What does he look like with his shirt off?"

I wrinkled my nose. "I haven't exactly paid that much attention," I said.

"Jessica saw him when the guys were playing shirts versus skins in gym class, and she says he's cut," Jennifer Stacey said. "Is Billy really cut, Mandy?"

I rolled my eyes. "No," I said. "He's not any different from the rest of the chumps in seventh grade."

"We actually have really hot guys in our class this year," Brookyln Jennifer said. "Like Pete Mann. He got so gorgeous over the summer. He asked me to Fall Ball. Did anyone ask you yet?"

I shook my head. "Not that I would say yes," I explained. "Seventh grade boys are beneath me."

"Really," Jennifer Stacey asked. "Because I think Irwin Dink wanted to invite you, but now he's doubling with Billy, Jessica, and Sarah Vain for Fall Ball."

"Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not interested in Irwin."

"What about Billy," Brooklyn Jennifer asked.

I felt my face flush more, with anger, I imagine. "What about Billy," I growled, hoping that the two chatty bimbos would finally screw off.

Instead, they both giggled incessantly."You like-like Billy," Brooklyn Jennifer squealed, catching the attention of the eyes of the entire homeroom class, which, of course, included Billy and Jessica. Jessica glared at me, and started scribbling something in her notebook. Billy simply smiled and waved like he was Prince Freaking William or some B.S. I hoped he didn't actually notice this whole "OHMIGOD Billy Nimrod is sooooo hot right now" phase everyone was going through. If he did, it would definitely either go to his head or terrify the little numbskull.

I narrowed my eyes at Brooklyn Jennifer and said, "I do not have that kind of interest in Billy." And then I went back to my work, hoping for a reprieve from my new companions. But this was only the beginning of what I can only deem pure mania. Let's look at all prior evidence: the day prior into this morning, I had experienced overwhelming feelings of lust for an authority figure. This morning, two mediocre Jennifers had deemed me a new subject of interest, possibly because of a third anomaly. The entire female population of the seventh grade was horny for...Billy. And he had a date to the Fall Ball with one of the Mindyites, Jessica Shoal. Jessica wasn't very bright, but she was very discriminating. She had an actual organized notebook of stores she would and would not shop at, restaurants she would and would not eat at, and other places she would and would not appear at. She broke up with her last boyfriend when she found out he bought her a pack of Carefree gum from 7-Eleven instead of the more decidedly classy Kroger. That someone like that would stoop as low as to date Billy, who's practically different species than Jessica, was an oddity of epic proportions. But that was not the straw that broke the camel's back. What followed the first Jennifer interrogation was it. We went to English class, and I was briefly relieved of my pesky hormones. I looked up and saw Mr. Catherine and thought nothing of any Harlequin novels. I was cured! I sat down in my seat and sighed in relief just before the next anomaly appeared. A folded up pink stationary note landed on my desk. I looked up and saw Jessica Shoal glaring at me, but still nodding at the note. I unfolded it and read on.

To: Mandy

From: Jessica

I heard you like Billy. True or false? If it'''s true, dream on. Billy is my boyfreind now. You shouldn't even ever look at him again. If you do, I'll make sure you'll pay. If you don't like him, I don't care. I don't want hanging around other girls, especially skanks like you, Jennifer K, and Jennifer M. He's not your freind anymore, got it? Good.

Not your freind,

The future Jessica Nimrod

Sweet Jesus, Jessica was nuts. I responded in the only way I could: by releasing my wrath upon the little twit full force with the power of my very own poison pen.

Jessica,

It's none of your goddamn business how I feel about Billy. But I'll tell you this: Billy does what I tell him to. Not you. And if anyone's a skank here, it's you. You probably have fleas, you little shitfaced bitch. You can take your demand, and shove it so far up your ass, it goes into your large intestine. If you ever dare to intimidate me again, I will do everything I can to destroy your life. I'll make sure you end up homeless. I'll make you end up as ugly as your insides. And I'll guarantee that you'll end up dead after I fuck you up, just so you cannot ever possibly breed and pass down your genetic insolence to future generations. And I'll tell you this: I don't care if you're my friend. Why? Because you're nothing to me, Jessica.

Eat shit and die,

Mandy

I fold the paper and tapped Nergal Jr., who was sitting next to me. He turned to face me and hissed, obviously still pissed about the Valentine's Day dance in fifth grade. I rolled my eyes. "Pass this to Jessica," I whispered.

Junior narrowed his eyes and snatched the note from my hands. He then tossed it behind himself on Jessica's desk. We both turned around as she read the note. At first, she just looked even more pissed, but then I saw her grow slightly pale. She shook it off and started writing another note, jotting on her precious pink stationary as furiously as possible.

Junior turned back to me. "What'd you write," he asked.

"Among other things,'' I said. "I told her to eat shit and die. And that I would kill her so she could never breed."

Junior's eyes widened before he started coughing heavily, catching Mr. Catherine's attention. He stormed towards us and snatched up all the notes. He rolled his eyes at Jessica's, but as he read mine, I saw all the color fade from his face.

"Is-is this some kind of joke," he asked me.

I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. "She messed with me." Mr. Catherine backed away slowly to the front of the classroom. "I'll, uh, be dealing with this situation soon," he said nervously, before getting back to his precious lesson. I turned in my seat and made eye contact with Jessica. I could tell she was trying to put on a tough face, but she was terrified. Good. She had it coming.