-02-
As the masking facade of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. It's normal for anger to be directed at our friends, family, inanimate objects or even our dying loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us.
In the days to follow Nicky had become increasingly difficult to be around. She snapped at everyone who crossed paths with her; making enemies at a time when she didn't need to. Everyone but Red had shied away from her.
"This isn't like her." The Russian commented rather dryly. "Something is up."
Mendoza scoffed, continuing about her task of sweeping the floor. "You should stay out of it."
"I can't do that."
"Resist the urge to poke."
Red eyes flicked from the chocolate orbs of Mendoza's to Alex's and Morello's who stood awkwardly at the entrance.
She shook her head. "I can't just turn my back on her, and neither will you."
"She's really angry," Morello informed. "Really, really angry,"
"I don't know what's going on with her, but the moment we walk away she could be heading for a deadly down spiral." Red's eyes hardened and her back straightened, almost in an attempt to overpower them. "I will not let that happen." She dismissed them with a wave of her hand, "Check on her, would you? See if we can't get to the bottom of this."
…
Standing in the entryway of the dorm Alex inhaled deeply, her eyes casting from Nicky's slumped form to Morello's sad eyes.
"Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice my head?" She whispered angrily.
"I'm not good with sad people," Morello whispered back. "Red said she wanted to know what was wrong, but she can't get out of work just yet."
"Man, you both owe me big time."
Squaring her shoulders, Alex began the short walk over to Nicky's cube. She stood awkwardly at the entrance. Whether she was waiting to be acknowledged, or deciding what to do next, was a mystery. She invited herself in, taking a seat next to Nicky on the bunk, her back pressed against the cement of the divide. She didn't say a word, just sat next to her until she was ready to share.
Nicky cast her eyes upward slightly, just enough to meet the concern floating about in Alex's. Her head dropped to her knees. She didn't like to feel weak. It was pathetic and it was stupid.
So much bottled up; so many memories of her childhood: good and bad. All of the horrible moments she had shared with her mother far outweighed the good ones. She hated feeling this way.
She hated feeling.
A sob erupted from her and in an instant Alex pulled her close. Her body was shaking forcefully and her breathing was becoming erratic. She couldn't get a grip on herself.
"Oh, Nicky," Alex kissed her head. She couldn't take seeing Nicky like this. "What's wrong, huh?" Her hand rubbed up and down her shoulder. "I'm sure it can't be that bad, just talk to me."
"M-My," Nicky could hardly breath, a sob stuck in her throat. A painful hoarse cry erupted from her. "My mother is dying."
Of all the things Alex was expecting her to say, that was not one of them. She felt her own heart crumble into pieces at the news. Maybe this was exactly the job for her. She could empathize.
"Nicky, I'm so sorry." She whispered softly against her curly hair. "Shh, I know, I know. Shh" She squeezed her tightly.
Nicky calmed down just slightly. "I fucking hate her, Vause!"
Alex wiped away the tears from Nicky's face, much like Nicky had done for her in the library a few years ago. "You're grieving her," Alex stated simply. "Anger is a part of grief, Nicky. It's okay. It's completely normal."
"No!" Nicky couldn't contain herself; she jumped up from her bunk in a fit of anguish. "I really fucking hate her. In her eyes, I've spent my whole life doing one disappointing thing after another."
"We all screw-up, Nicky."
She couldn't hold back her sobs. "I was never good enough for her; she never wanted me. I-" She gripped her stomach in pain, doubling over as she cried. Alex caught her just before she hit the ground. "All I've ever done is disappoint her… an- and now, they want me to sign papers to end her life support." She cried harder. "I have to kill my mom."
Morello could see the interaction but couldn't quite make out what was going on. She wondered briefly if she should intervene, but Alex seemed to have everything under control. Her thoughts were interrupted by a concerned, Russian accent.
"What's going on?" Red wasn't oblivious to the way Nicky was practically curled into Alex. She could hear her cries of anguish from across the dorm. She didn't wait for a response from Lorna, just took off, her mind racing with a million possibilities.
Alex looked at her with big sad eyes, tears of her own stained onto her cheeks. Red's eyes locked onto Nicky's form as she swiftly sat next to them on the bunk coaxing Nicky into her embrace and out of Alex's.
"Malyshka," Red soothed, "What's wrong, talk to me." Her hands began to stroke her head, pushing her big hair out of the way so she could kiss her temple. "Talk to me."
"I do- I can't- I don't" Nicky began to hyperventilate, struggling to breathe at the same time she was struggling to speak. "I c- I don't want my mother to die alone." The words left her mouth in a hiccup with each syllable.
Red's eyes flicked to Alex's in confirmation of what she just heard. The subtle incline of her head and the way she sucked in a breath trying to keep her own tears at bay confirmed Nicky's confession before Alex even had a chance to speak.
"Marka is dying," Alex was finally able to get words out. She left suddenly, the emotion opening too many raw wounds of her own.
Red's eyes closed as Nicky's body shook with a force she hadn't been expecting. She kissed the crown of her head, her hands steadily rubbing up and down the length of her back.
"I've got you," She whispered. "It's okay. You'll be okay. I've got you."
