"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost." - Gilbert K. Chesterton
Chapter 2 – In The Dark
CPOV
I don't know how long I sit there staring at the elevator on my knees, she left me. She had every reason to, you hit her you idiot. I can't believe I did it, I just got so angry. I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I never wanted to be like him. I've never wanted to take my violence out on anyone unless it was consented. I don't know what came over me; I just had all this burning rage. I didn't understand how anyone could love me; I'm a shell of a man, even more so now. I've never deserved Ana, I tried to stay away from her; I really did. I just couldn't, something drew me to her. Maybe it was love, maybe she was right.
I've never thought of myself as having a heart, my past wouldn't let me. You've been blaming your entire present on your past, you always have. My inner voice says and I mentally scold myself. I have, haven't I? I've let what the crack whore and pimp did to me, affect me. I let it run my life, control me. I always thought I was in control of my life but I've been avoiding the inevitable. I've never dealt like the past like I should have. I should have fought it better; I could have fought it better.
I could have controlled my anger with Ana, I know I could have. I do love her, I know it. But I hurt her; I knew it the moment it happened. Her face got red and the tears streamed rapidly down her face. She was hurt physically and emotionally and it's my entire fault. I let my past not only affect me but the people around me, the people who cared about, the person who loved me. She said she loved me and I freaked, I didn't know what to do. The most perfect woman in the world told me she loved me and I hit her. I hit her!
I'm no better than him, I'm no better than him. It chants over and over in my head. I can be better than him, I tell myself. I will be better than him, I have to be. I'm going to do it for Ana, I'm going to be better for Ana, she deserves better. How do I make myself better? Don't let your past control you. I can do that, it in the past right? What's done is done, it may have left scars but it can't hurt me anymore. I start to think back to the past and things that I let affect me today.
I let my Dom side take over and lose control. I let it hurt the woman I know realize I love, how could I be so stupid? I've always had control of that side of me and I lost it. Get rid of him. My inner voice says and I contemplate this, how do I get rid of him? How do I make him go away? Get rid of that lifestyle, you don't need it. You know what you need and you know why you lost it. I lost Ana and I need Ana, I can't live without her. She is the light of my life; she drags me out of the darkness unknowingly. I won't need that lifestyle as long as I have Ana. I didn't realize it until I hurt her and I don't want to hurt her again. That lifestyle is abominate to me now, how could I do that to Ana. To anyone for that matter, have I really let my fifty shades of fucked up get to that many people. It may have been consensual but I hit them, I hit them like the pimp. I would be no better than him if I did it again and I promised myself to be better than him.
Okay, so get rid of the playroom. I don't need it and it only hurts people. Control your business, not the people you love. It hurts them, it hurts you. It may take some time for this one, I need Flynn's help. I need more things to control or it will feel as if things are tumbling around me. I'm use to controlling all aspects of my life and I need to let up a little bit. I can't control everything in my life, I just can't. You can't control everything that happens, some things are unstoppable. Okay, so I need to talk to Flynn before I can see Ana again. I need to get her back but I need to get my shit together first. I'm doing this for myself though; I need to learn to be happy. I'm happy with Ana but things need to change if I am going to get her back.
Things need to change so I can feel better about myself. So I can learn how to use this heart I must have. I love Ana and I need to show her that. I need to show the people I care about how much they mean to me. Before it's too late, I don't want to lose anyone else, I can't lose anyone else. I couldn't take it; Ana leaving was enough for me to realize that my life is fucked up. Because I made it that way, it wasn't my past, it was me. I did it all by myself and I can't blame others for my problems. My past may have been the start but it was up to me to deal with it and I never had.
I thought I had, I thought BDSM fixed me. I thought it helped me but it destroyed me. I built everything in my life around it and when I need to learn to live without it, I couldn't do it. I don't lean love in my formative years so I thought I could never have it. I thought a D/s relationship was it for me. But I can have more; I can have more with Ana. She is the only woman I have ever wanted more with. She made me realize how fucked up my lifestyle is. I hurt people to get over being hurt but all's that happens is I hurt more people. I can't hurt anyone else; I won't let myself hurt anymore people. They don't deserve it, nobody deserves to be hit. It isn't right, it can't be moral. Love is moral, I want love.
Elena always told me love is for fools. But I want to love now and she can't stop me. She has been controlling me too long, I won't stand for it any longer. I thought her teaching me this lifestyle helped me. If she had never taught me it, I would have found another way, a better way. She took advantage of me, I was a hormonal teenager and she took advantage of me. She was my mother's friend and she still went after me. She was twice my age looking for a plaything and I was there. I was lost and she brainwashed me. She told me it was what I needed, that I would help me. It may have helped me for a while but it backfired on me.
I didn't know any other way when I met Ana, BDSM was all I knew. I let my troubled adolescent years be taken over by Elena and I never learned how to be normal. I never realized love was what I needed to help me, Ana gave me love and she saved me. Elena just took control of my life, I may have stopped drinking and fighting but maybe I was just scared. Scared to be beat like when I was a child. So I let her take control, I can't believe I could be so stupid. She told me my parents wouldn't believe me but now I know better. They would have believed me because they loved me, unconditionally. They wouldn't have done what they did for me if they hadn't.
I was a scared teenage boy and she molded me into what she wanted me to be, a dominate businessman that she had within her grasp. She made me believe I was in control when she really had it all. She told me a submissive had all the power, I didn't though. I had no power and I still let her get away with it. I thought I did though, I could say no at any time and I got to have sex with a hot older woman. It's every teenage guys dream; hot older woman comes onto you and offers you meaningless sex. I thought that because it was consensual, it made it okay. But it wasn't okay, I was underage and she took advantage of me. It's taking me forever to wrap my mind around this, I let this happen. I could have said no, I could have told someone. I didn't though, I let it go on and I've let it go on ever since.
We had a sexual relationship for six years and it didn't just end there. I gave her control over almost everything my whole adult life. I didn't even realize I was doing it; she made me believe I was control. While I was her submissive, I thought I was in control. When she let me dominate her, I thought I was in control. But, she was only teaching me for her own motives. She knew she could still gain control while I was a Dominate. She was good at it to, a real manipulative bitch.
I went to Harvard and our sexual relationship continued. When I dropped out of Harvard, she gave me the money to start my company. She helped me become a Dominate and set me up with woman, I thought she was being helpful, I now see that it was just about control for her. It was always about control for her, it never stopped. I thought it stopped after my submission but I now see it clearly.
I let her chose my subs and gave her that control without a second thought. I was naïve, to think that her controlling me would simply stop. And it didn't get any better after Linc found out about us. I felt horrible that I had caused her to be beaten that bad. Now that I think about it though, she deserved what she had coming to her, as horrible as that sounds.
She added fuel to the fire that was my already fucked up past, I wish I would have known that then. I wouldn't have felt all torn up about her being beaten if I had known that then. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with what he did and there were better ways to deal with that situation but I don't feel bad about it either. I think I need to talk to Flynn about this too, is it wrong that I no longer feel remorseful over the situation?
What else have I let Elena control in my life? My adolescent years, my two years at Harvard, my sexual relationships, and my business, MY BUSINESS! Fuck, she did, didn't she? She gave me the money to start it and after Linc left I paid her back by investing in her Salons.
Fuck, I've invested so much money in those fucking salons. They may have been profitable but I probably put in more money than I got out of it. She always gave me enough money to make it seem worth it but in the meantime she was probably giving herself more. She wouldn't have been able to afford all the things she had, if she hadn't been. We would always have those fucking lunch meetings and she would ask me for this or that, for the salon; upgrades or some shit. I paid her back as soon I bought the mother fuckers, yet I still invested more.
I thought we were friends, I guess I don't even know what a fucking friend is. I've never really had any besides for Elena. Fuck, she took that away from me to. I don't even know how to befriend my own brother. I've never talked to anyone about anything going on in my life except for Flynn and Elena. I was so closed off, and in a way she added to that. I could tell anyone about our arrangement; she would have beat the shit outta me. I didn't tell anyone my part into her divorce. I didn't tell anyone about us being friends. I've never told anyone anything besides for Flynn, he knew it all.
I talked to Ana but she's gone now and even she didn't know it all. She would have ran, I didn't want to lose her. You've already lost her. Maybe I should have talked to my family; I should talk to my family more. Maybe if I learn to open up to people and do the "feelings" shit, I would be able to communicate with people better. I would be able to tell Ana how I feel about her. She should know what she makes me feel, how much she affects me. That she is the light of my life and pulls me from the darkness that is my soul. Although, I don't think it's so dark anymore, everything is becoming so clear.
Okay, what's left to clear up? I've figured out that I need to get rid of my lifestyle choices. No more beating woman, no more playroom. Kink may be fine but everything else is out of the question. Elena, get rid of her. She is a no good manipulative bitch and she taints your life. She isn't your friend and she never has been. Liquidate the salons and cut off all communication. Talk to Flynn about everything I have discovered. Ask for help; listen to the help this time.
Do whatever it takes to make yourself better. This is for you and your future, you need this. He knows what he is doing and you need to listen to him. Take whatever necessary measure to get better. This will help you get Ana back. She left you because you're fucked up, she left. Fuck! She really did leave.
I'm still sitting where she left me, on the ground pleading for her not to leave. But she left, it all means nothing. She isn't here to find out everything I've discovered, she probably won't ever come back either. Why would she? You hit her, she told you she loved you and you hurt her. I feel like shit, right here in this moment; I'm nothing. I'm crying and I have no one to blame but myself. I let my past define who I am, I always have. I didn't realize I loved her until it was too late.
I become somewhat aware of voices in the distance, but they don't matter to me right now. I lost Ana, my light, my love. I made her leave, because I was too stupid to realize all of this before. I would give up everything I own right now, just to have her back. This woman swept into my life and saved me. What did I do to repay her? I hit her. I wanted more with her, I want more with her. I want to have everything with Ana. I want to share my life with her.
I've known her for such a short time and she's had such an impact on my life. She really did change me. Right now, in this moment; I'm a changed man. No, I'm not completely healed but, this is the farthest I've come all my life. I've never been this…free, before. I feel like so much has been lifted off my shoulders, just by coming to the realization that my lifestyle truly is fucked up.
I'm taken out of my reverie, by a soft hand on my shoulder. I look up from the ground to see an angel, Grace. She looks at me, as if she sees the broken little boy she saved once before. I'm him again, nothing's changed. I'm starting all over again, just as scared as the first time. Probably even more so now, what if I fuck it all up again? I can't… I can't ruin my life again. I can redeem myself from this hell I've been living; from the hell I lived.
"Mom" I say in a faint whisper. You can hear the brokenness in my voice; well the silent tears continue to fall down my face. In an instant, she is down by my side; wrapping me in her arms. I sit there, no longer afraid of Grace's touch. She loves me, she saved me, and she would never hurt me. She continues to hold me while I silently cry on her shoulder. She's stroking my hair, giving me a comfort I've always longed for.
We sit there for what seems like ages, and she just holds me as I cry. I let all the tears shed that should have fallen over the year. I finally let it all go, everything I've felt about my past. I can't change it so; I have to get over it. I have to live with it so, now it's time to deal with it.
When mom finally realizes I am no longer crying, she lets go of me and look at me with the same expression as before. She helps me get to my feet and leads me into the great room. It's a little hard for me to get up off the floor. I've probably been sitting there for hours coming to this realization in my head. When we get into the great room, I sit on the couch and mom sits on the other side. I also realize Flynn is sitting in one of the chairs.
TPOV
Gail and I woke up at 6, to find the boss sitting in the foyer. He's on his knees looking at the elevator, only he doesn't seem there. I glace at Gail and notice her look of concern; I know she really does care about him. I care about him just as much as Gail, like the son I never had. He's a good man, he just has some issues. He's seemed to have changed since Ana came into his life though, almost normal. I wonder what has him like this.
"Sir" I say and he doesn't move. It's as if he doesn't even hear me. I start to get a little more concerned about his mental state. "Sir" I say again, still nothing. This isn't right, something happened. I need to do something; I can't just sit here and watch him like this. I tell Gail to just wait there and don't do anything. I don't want him freaking out on her or something.
I walk off to my office and review the video footage from the past few hours. As I rewind all the video footage, I notice the foyer hasn't changed for hours. I stop when it backs up to him and Ana in the great room. I shouldn't be watching this but maybe it will tell me what the hell happened so I can assess the situation.
Christian had most of his back to the camera but you can see part of his face. Ana says something and I notice as the boss responds, she gets tears in her eyes. When he seems to be finished she look to be yelling while she cries and what I see next causes fury to arise in me.
I rewind it back, just to make sure my eyes didn't play tricks on me. I watch again and the same scene plays in front of me. He hits her, and I'm amazed she doesn't fall to the ground. She stumbles back a bit and clutches her face. More tears run down her face and she looks completely freighted. I can faintly see the bosses face turn from the pure rage he had a second ago, to complete remorse. He tries to take a step towards her but she steps back.
I continue to watch as she gets her things and leaves. Leaving behind the gifts he gave her on the breakfast bar. I watch as he falls to his knees once she gets in the elevator and she does the same once the doors close. She cries in the elevator and once the doors open, she makes a hasty retreat. Boss is still sitting in the foyer looking at the elevator with the same expression the whole time.
I am livid; I can't believe that sick fuck hit her. That wasn't like any of that bullshit BDSM; that was abuse. I quickly make my way back to Gail and tell her to call Flynn and maybe Grace to. I continue to watch boss making sure he doesn't do anything else stupid. I am pissed at the moment.
I'm happy it doesn't take long for Grace to arrive. As much as I would love to tell her what happened, I don't. It's not my place, he needs to do it. I'll say something to Flynn if need be, it needs to be reported to someone. I simply tell Grace that we found him like this and that we also called Flynn.
She decides that it would be best to wait for Flynn before we do anything. And not long after Flynn is arriving. I don't even think boss noticed them arriving, his gaze shifted from the elevator to the floor; a while ago.
We all watch as Grace kneels next to boss and put her hand on his shoulder. I'm standing on guard, making sure he doesn't hurt anyone. They embrace and the rest of us make ourselves invisible. Flynn sits on a chair, waiting for them to finish so they can figure out what happened. Gail makes herself busy in the kitchen and I stand by the wall to oversee everything. I know what he did; I will only leave when I make sure Flynn knows what happened.
I know it's a little fast for him to discover all this right after she left but keep in mind that he still isn't completely healed. There is going to be a long talk with Flynn coming up and you can see why he did what he did. Any guesses? I feel like I sorta rambled in this chapter, but I hope you guys enjoyed it; Let me know what you think.
