Dear Gary,

Please answer my letters. I'm getting kind of worried (even though I know you're going to pick on me mercilessly forever for saying that). Please? I tried to call someone at the asylum yesterday, but the guy who picked up the phone said incoming calls to inmates were only accepted if they came from close family members. I tried calling back later and pretending to be your dad, but I couldn't remember his first name and the orderly guy said I sounded more like your mom anyway.

I bet you're laughing it up now, right? Unless you're all drugged up and can't read. I hope you're not.

Why won't you write me? Is it because you think I'm going to make you talk about last year? Because I won't! Unless you want to talk about it, but I doubt you will.

I don't really know what else to say. It's hard when I don't get anything back. Let me know if people are allowed to send you Christmas presents, okay?

from Petey


(Written on high-quality paper embossed with the Harrington family crest)

Derby,

Happy birthday. I apologise that your mother and I couldn't make it home in time to celebrate with you in person. Hopefully your present will make up for it.

To more important matters - I have been speaking with your uncle about our family tradition, and we both agree that the time is approaching for you and Pinky to make your engagement official now that you're of the right age. I trust you will respect our wishes on this. Enclosed with this letter is a cheque that should cover the cost of a suitable ring, plus any other expenses you should incur whilst securing your betrothal. As the holiday season is drawing near, might I suggest that marks an excellent opportunity for you to make your proposal?

Your mother and I eagerly await your letter before the new year.

Regards,

Father


(Found screwed-up and partially ripped in the trash can inside Christy Martin's dorm room)

Hello, readers, and welcome to another edition of the best problem page around: ASK AUNTIE CHRISTY! Tell me all your problems and I'll use my feminine know-how to help you solve them! Woo! Here's this month's exciting letter, drama fans!

Dear Auntie Christy,

I have this friend, right, and he asked me to write in for him because he's totally embarrassed. This isn't MY problem. Just needed to make that clear.

Whatever. My friend's been having some THOUGHTS lately, and they're making him all confused. All guys have some weird thoughts about other guys sometimes, yeah? And it doesn't mean they're gay or anything. Even if they have those thoughts while fighting with a guy who's been flirting with them a lot. And then they imagine pinning him down and pulling off his shirt and wiping that stupid grin off his stupid blond face and... stuff?

That's totally not gay, right?

from Some Guy's Friend Because It's Not My Problem, Seriously

Dear Some Guy's Friend,

Your friend is gayer than, like, a gay pride parade being held in Gaysville in the state of Gaytonia! DUH! It sounds like he's in some seeerious denial, too! Tell him to embrace his true nature (and take pictures)!

Lots of love,

"Auntie" Christy x x x

(Scribbled at the bottom of the article in red marker pen)

Christy, try and be more tactful. We can't put this in the paper as it is. Additionally, not every sentence has to end with an exclamation mark.

- Melvin

(Underneath this is doodled a rather unflattering caricature of Melvin being strangled by a laughing girl with a ponytail.)


Dear Gary,

Not answering my letters is bad enough, but I'm getting them back unopened now and it's seriously creeping me out. Is it you sending them back, or has something happened to you?

Not that I'll get an answer either way, I guess.

I've sent off an application for a visit, so maybe that'll make you read this? I just want to know if you're okay. Please? Come on, man!

- Petey


Gord -

Your father's a lawyer, correct? So he has a lot of contact with criminals and lowlifes and the like?

- Derby

---

Daddy is a prosecutor, so most of his contacts are at the opposite end of the legal spectrum. You know, the police and judges and all that. Why do you ask? Oh - if you're in the mood for slumming it a little, I can hook you up with some of my own personal contacts. I assure you, they're very discreet!

- Gord

---

Gord?

You are a sick, depraved little deviant.

Your father's contacts could still be useful to me - perhaps even more useful than I had hoped. Arrange a meeting with him for me, would you? Though ask him to be discreet about it.

Not discreet for the same reason that your 'friends' are discreet, of course.

...God damn it, Gord.

- Derby


(Transcript of the official minutes for the December Bullworth Bugle meeting, typed by Constantinos Brakus)

15:00 - First one here. Alone, as usual.

15:20 - Still alone. This is so depressing.

15:45 - Starting to think this is a prank or something. It's not funny. I HATE this school.

15:55 - Melvin and Beatrice arrive after I'm done packing my things away. Apparently the meeting was delayed by an hour and nobody remembered to tell me. TYPICAL.

16:00 - Roll call. Christy Martin and Angie Ng absent, everyone else accounted for.

16:05 - Melvin and Beatrice have in depth discussion on how flaky and unreliable Christy and Angie are.

16:15 - Continued discussion on further character flaws of Christy, Angie and cheerleaders in general.

16:25 - Christy and Angie now present. Subject of conversation hurriedly changed to articles for special holiday edition of the paper.

16:27 - Christy reads minutes over my shoulder, gets offended.

16:28 - In-depth discussion of Melvin and Beatrice's flaws, both physical and mental.

16:45 - Get spectacular migraine, made worse by constant screaming argument. Wonder which would be better: jumping out of the window, or pushing everyone else out of it.

16:59 - Angie suggests we all calm down and talk about the newspaper. Motion carried.

17:03 - Christy suggests we scrap the holiday theme and instead make this month's edition the "Melvin and Beatrice, like, totally suck hardcore" issue. Motion denied.

17:10 - Christy expresses hatred of the school because it "sucks so bad that it's gone beyond suck". Have to agree.

17:11 - Spirited debate on whether Gary Smith had the right idea after all, and if school ties make effective weapons for strangling people with. Very much intrigued by Christy's way of thinking.

17:25 - Discussion of everything that's wrong with this school continues. Christy suggests cleansing with fire to be only viable option for reform.

17:30 - Totally in love right now.

17:50 - Meeting adjourned. All writers come to consensus that we should just write whatever we want because nobody actually reads the school paper anyway. Everyone seems depressed. Hey, it's like I actually belong!


Dear Peter Kowalski,

We regret to inform you that your application for a visitation pass has been denied.

Wishing you good health this holiday season,

Mr. T Kazan

Happy Volts Asylum


(Written on an extremely tacky, gaudy Christmas card)

Dear James,

Have a happy Christmas! I hope you like your present. I remember you saying how much you loved that sweater I bought you last year, so your stepfather suggested that I should get you something to match. I hope they fit!

See you in the summer!

Love, Mom x


(On an incredibly elegant and stylish card from Aquaberry's stationery range)

Pinky,

There's something that we urgently need to discuss.

Happy holidays.

- Derby


(On a card that plays "Jingle Bells" obnoxiously loudly when opened)

Happy X-mas, Kirb!

- T

(Meet me behind the bleachers at midnight. Got a present for ya.)


To everyone on the newspaper team,

Have a happy Christmas or Hanukkah or, like, whatever. If you can muster any kind of glee in this dark and mirthless world, that is. Personally, I kind of think that the holiday season is a joyless and overcommercialised time that only encourages greed amongst those who celebrate it.

But, you know, happy holidays if you're into that kind of thing.

From Constantinos


(On a handmade card - a sheet of lined paper ripped from a notebook and folded in half)

HAPPY HOLLYDAYS JIMMY

FROM YOR PAL RUSSELL


Dear Student,

The holiday season is now upon us. Hopefully Santa will bring plenty of seasonal cheer for those of you who have been good this year! Ho ho ho!

Unfortunately, as ever, we have some students who seem hell-bent on ruining the festive spirit. Recent behaviour has made it necessary for me to once again make some additions to our school's code of conduct.

- Building "anatomically correct" snowmen is banned.

- Burying younger students in the snow and/or making them into 'living snowmen' is banned. (On that note, students may be happy to know that Sheldon is doing well in hospital after his ordeal, and is expected to regain the power of speech any day now. Happy holidays, Sheldon!)

- The snow plough is for the janitor's usage only. It is most assuredly NOT a toy.

- While we encourage students to decorate their dormitories as a valuable part of expressing their holiday spirit, pornographic images are NOT legitimate Christmas decorations. That does not change even if the images happen to incorporate Santa hats and the imaginative use of candy canes.

- Our school flag is a symbol of our spirit and dedication to learning! It is NOT acceptable for students to replace it with a pair of musical reindeer-printed underpants! (If anyone knows who committed this atrocity, please contact me or Miss Danvers with your information.)

It is also my sad duty to announce that Mr. Dickson will be leaving us this week due to an anxiety-related illness. Farewell to him, and welcome to his new replacement - Miss Bottomsley will be teaching you in his place when we return after the holidays!

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and an exceptional new year,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster


(On the back of a postcard depicting the Bullworth beach)

Gary. Seeing as you rejected my visit and you're still not opening my letters, I guess using a postcard is the best way to make sure you at least glance at this one. It means other people can read it too, but you've not really given me a choice.

Please let me know you're alright! If you don't contact me soon, then I'll have to ask Jimmy to try and get hold of you somehow. You know, like how he managed to get in contact with Johnny Vincent and Mr. Galloway last year? I hear he didn't have any trouble getting a visitors pass.

- Petey

P.S. Happy Christmas.