Author's Note: It didn't work. So, here I am, writing another Jacob-centric fic in an attempt to get this nonsense out of my system. This one is actually inspired by the fact that despite the zillions of "Bella-kissed-Jacob's-shoulder-in-the-truck-and-changed-the-course-of her-life" stories that there are out there, none of the ones I've read include this scene, which the books state Bella needed to have so she could be with Jake. So I wrote one.
Disclaimer: If I HAD written the Twlight Saga, I would never admit it...Ms. Meyer can take all the credit.
"Hey Jake…" Her voice is soft and high, hesitant and afraid.
"Yeah?" He asks, feigning nonchalance, but watching her out of the corner of his eye. What he sees doesn't surprise him. Her face is drawn with worry and fear, but not the fear that he is used to. This is a fear he's only seen once before, right after he became a werewolf. He relaxes, she is not in danger. He knew this was coming. He breathed a little easier.
"Come walk with me?" She has turned away from him, knowing that he is watching her carefully, already headed to the door, knowing he will follow her.
"Sure."
He takes her hand and they leave his little house, heading for the beach. She doesn't talk for a long time, and he doesn't say anything either, sensing that this is a situation where she needs to take the lead. He's dying to ask, afraid and excited because he thinks he already knows. It's for her sake that he doesn't say anything to her. She needs to do this on her own. And he would wait until the end of time for her.
She stays quiet until they reach their driftwood tree. He lets go of her hand and sits down without a word and waits for her. She can't stay still, but paces in front of him. He watches the emotions play out on her face: determination, fear, resolve, dismay, fear, horror. That is the last one he see before she turns around, hiding her face from him. He doesn't move until he hears her sniff, and then can't help himself. He hates it when she's in pain. He stands up and, moving so softly she doesn't hear him, stands behind her and wraps his arms around her, putting his chin on her head. She doesn't relax into his arms like she normally does, but stiffens.
"Jacob, I'm broken." The words fly out of her mouth in a rush, choked with tears. He closes his eyes. He knew this talk was coming, but that didn't mean he wanted to hear it just yet.
"I know," he whispers, his voice tight with pain. She is horribly broken, so hurt that she can't breathe sometimes. It is a pain he can't quite understand. Part of him doesn't want to. The other part wishes he could take all of it and make her well again, even if it was at his own cost.
"No you don't. Not all of it." She interrupts him, turning in his arms to face him, peering up at him with begging eyes. "You need to know though. You deserve to know. It's not fair and you need to know just how unfair it is. You need to be able to-" she blinks rapidly, her face pained, "to be able to-to back out. I'd understand."
"I don't want that Bells."
"Not yet," she whispers. "Jake, I'm not a whole person."
"I know, it's okay. Bella, I-"
She hurries on, interrupting him again, "Jacob, I hear voices."
He didn't expect this. "What?"
She closes her eyes and wraps her arm around her middle, not even conscious that she was doing so. "When I do something dangerous, I hear Edward's voice like he's standing next to me." She waits, letting her words sink in. He looks at her, can feel the confusion written on his face. She sighs. "The first time was back in January. I was in Port Angeles with Jessica and there were some men and I…" she stops speaking, pain written all over her face. "I-I heard his voice. He told me to stop and go back to Jessica…"
A strange feeling comes over him, like the world has tilted on its axis. He feels sick. If it were possible, his blood would have run cold. "The-the bikes…the cliff…diving…?" he couldn't make sense of the words he was saying, couldn't remember how to form sentences properly.
She nods. "So I could hear his voice."
She watches him, sees how his hands shake, how his eyes clench together with pain and anger. She takes a step back, away from him. He barely notices, too busy trying to focus. The thoughts that run through his mind are now coherent, outraged, and mortified.
"You. Almost. Died." He says through gritted teeth. His whole body is shaking now.
"Yes. And I'm done with that now." Her voice is laced with so much pain that he opens his eyes, shocked out of his anger. Both her arms are wrapped around her body and she is hunched over, trying to hold herself together. It kills him to see her hurting, but he can't move to help her. He just waits.
Eventually she composes herself enough to speak again. "I'm going to act like a grown-up now," she says in a whisper-soft voice. "I figured out how irresponsible I was being, how it would hurt the people I love the most. I couldn't do that to Charlie . . . or to you. I never want you to feel pain because of me."
She stops then and it takes her a minute before she lowers her arms and raises her face to look him in the eye.
"Jacob, I understand if you don't want me. If you feel that I'm not worth the effort. It would be completely within your rights. But, Jake, I need you. I can't live without you. You hold me together, keeping me from being split in half. You made me happy when I thought I'd never even smile again. You mean so much to me and I don't know what I'd do without you. Jake, I know it's not fair to you, that you deserve so much more than what I can give you, but, I-I-I can't do this without you. If I have your help, I think I can heal…I want to heal. I want to be with you. I'm going to try as hard as I can to make you happy. You already have everything that's left of my heart, my whole life, actually. I know it's not fair, but it's the best I can do."
She finishes her speech and looks away, not wanting to see the play of emotions in his eyes, spinning around to face the sea again. He stands there, momentarily dumbfounded by the torrent of words that poured from her mouth, trying to catch up with what she had said. She was still in love with the bloodsucker, he got that. She wanted to be with him, he got that too. She needed him, perhaps even more than he needed her. She was willing to move on, to try to live and be happy without Edward. She was going to rely on him to help her with it. He would cut off his right arm if it meant she would benefit from it.
"Okay," his voice was a whisper beneath the crashing of the waves. She barely heard it. He takes a step forward and catches her in his arms. She is crying when he turns her to face him, her face awash in tears. He smiles, ever so softly and wipes the tears away with the pad of his thumb. He pulls her close and kisses her gently. She doesn't fight him, doesn't pull away, and doesn't kiss back. She just stands there. When he opens his eyes and pulls away from the kiss, she is still crying soundlessly. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tightly, wishing he could pull her into his skin, cover and protect her, never let her go. She wraps her arms around him, tentatively at first, then clutching him like he was her only lifeline. Exactly like he was her only lifeline.
"Thank you, Jake. Thank you so, so much," she murmurs into his skin.
His heart aches and rejoices at the same time. Aches because he knows there was still a lot of work to be done, that she might never completely recover. Rejoices because she wants to recover now and was willing to let him help her. She wanted him. The idea makes his heart skip a beat. He wonders if she can feel how hard his heart is pounding. It takes him a second to realize she is crying again.
"Bella…" he takes her face in his hand, making her look up at him. There are tears in her eyes and on her face. He wants to kiss them away, but wipes them away instead. He speaks the words she needs to hear, even though some of them hurt him. He doesn't let this show on his face though. "Don't cry, sweetheart. It's gonna be okay, Bells. I'll take care of you. I don't need your whole heart, mine's big enough for the two of us to share. I'm just happy you want any part of me, happy you're willing to try. That's enough for me."
He kisses her forehead and pulls her close again. She stops crying her tears of gratitude eventually. They stand there for a long time. By the time the sun sets and they head back to his house, she is smiling, laughing at him. She looks happier than she has in months. His heart warms at this. Knowledge so sure that is shakes him to his core infiltrates his head and heart: She will be okay. She will love him. It may take a while, years even, but she will. He can mend her heart.
