Chapter 2: The Importance of Taking a Backseat Role to Enhance Your Already Great Badassery

As some of you know, I was not the lead character in the fourth installment of Devil May Cry 4. Is it because the developers got tired of me kicking ass and taking names? No. Is it because the 2nd installment sucked balls? Maybe, maybe not, since Capcom won't return my phone calls and emails. They'll see what'll happen when the zombie apocalypse comes soon, the bastards. But the main reason I took a backseat role is to increase the badassery that is Dante Sparda!

Yeah, you got Nero and his Devil Bringer. Whoo! A demonic arm that gives a guy that looks like me, but isn't related to me some fancy telekinetic powers and superhuman strength. Sign me up for some of that. Please. I don't give a damn if Capcom didn't pull that same crap that Konami did with Raiden (stupid wuss). This guy's a complete and utter n00b.

So what if he manages to kick ass easier then I can? Hell, look at the stuff I accomplished in the game:

1) Shot an old guy that looked like the Pope in the head.

2) Got to hit on 2 girls with big boobs (AT THE SAME TIME and ONE of them shot me in the head! Rock me Amadeus)!

3) I got STUBBLE. I am a suave silver-haired rugged man. I should be in a goddamn Old Spice commercial. My badassery is now at maximum potential because we all know the bitches love some stubble. Why didn't I stop shaving sooner? I could've gone all the way to FIFTH base with Lady and Trish!

Everyone knows me. I was hitting on girls and getting impaled long before this guy stepped in. Does he have stubble? No. Does he have an awesome red leather trenchcoat? No. Does he hit on girls in every installment except the 2nd one that sucked balls? No, he does not. I hit on a succubus. Then I killed her, and THEN turned her into a guitar that shoots bats and lightning. Do you know awesome that is? Yeah, he gets a girlfriend at the end, but look at her; can't fight at all, gets kidnapped, doesn't try to beat up the lead guy, or shoot him in the head and has NO BOOBS at all. She's like the Princess Peach of the damn story. Wow, Nero, you're a real stud there. Why don't you take your that demonic arm of yours and-

...Well, I can't exactly say that, now can I? The point is, aspiring Devil Hunters, sometimes you gotta take a backseat and grow some stubble, break into a church, and kill some religious fanatics who worship your father to high heaven. Then, you sit back and let a n00b do most of the dirty work for you. Then, you come back and play through the same levels, and fight the same bosses, because Capcom's creativity is getting stretched out thin these days. Hell, just look at Resident Evil 5.

Next Time, Chapter 3: Why the Death of Your Mother is a Good Thing, and Why You Need a Look-Alike of Her.

And remember, no matter how awesome you become, I'm always gonna be more awesome then you can ever hope to be. Get stubble, some bitches, guns, a sword, and a trenchcoat, THEN we'll talk.