Ding dong.

It's just another morning at North High.

"Good morning, Kyon-kun…"

Oh. Hi–

She smiles at me.

–Asakura.


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Not Quite What I'd Expected

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic


Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!


Disclaimer

Haruhi not mine. Though I have to admit, a Haruhi is fine, too…


Dedication

To HikariNiwa, YourStoryIsAwesome, and squallwis04. Here it is! Not as neat as the first chapter, but it has all my love, too!

Also, honorable mention to Lance Captain Jaramin Aldhern: You just got your wish.

Finally (and this is an edit), to Wind Falcon: Damn! I missed that! Augh! Retake! Retake!


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Version 2.1

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I watched in total awe as Nagato and Asakura traded dizzying storms of crystal projectiles throughout a madly-shifting selection of panoramas that included a grassy field, a bunch of old cars (I could have sworn I saw a certain yellow-and-black Classic Camaro! And a silver Pontiac Solstice! You know what– who I mean!) stacked like Pringles potato crisps to the tune of weird but cool techno music.

Wow. They're really aliens…

This amazing battle started like this:

"Kyon is mine," Nagato stated.

Oh, shit, I went.

"You refer to him as if he is yours?" Asakura asked.

You know, she has a point. Please don't talk about me like I'm an object…

Asakura adds: "What does he think of that?"

Me? I think it's really creepy.

Nagato: "…"

"Why the scary face?"

Scary? The best way to describe Nagato's face right now is that it kind of looks like this: (--)

Really. She does look like that.

"You have overstepped your operational boundaries," Nagato said in a mantra-like tone.

"You want to get in my way?" Asakura was still smiling, but I could feel the... menace? More like annoyance. "Once I make out with this person, Suzumiya Haruhi is bound to have some sort of reaction."

Haruhi again? Why don't you kiss Haruhi herself? I'm sure you'll get whatever reaction you want to get out of her… not to mention you two kissing would look really hot…

"What a naughty idea, Kyon-kun– but strangely appealing, I must admit."

Denied.

"You are supposed to be my backup," Nagato interrupted. "This sort of insubordination is forbidden; you must obey my commands."

"All this over a kiss?" Asakura posed. "It wasn't like I tried to kill him…"

I choked. Then I realized she had a point. Which was cause for another double-take.

Nagato: "…"

Oi! Nagato… don't tell me…

"Processing application for data interface disconnection."

Nagato...


So now I've got a ringside seat to a fight-to-the-death between two alien computers for my… uh… affections…

Hey! Don't I get a say in this?

"No," Asakura sang as she fired off a swarm of spears.

"Negative," Nagato muttered as she deflected every single one of the attacks.

...somehow, that really ticks me off…


SELECT serialcode

FROM database

WHERE code'data'

ORDER BY aggressivecombatdata

HAVING terminatemode


"Target name Asakura Ryoko, hostility confirmed. Disconnecting target's organic information interface," Nagato recited.

Asakura froze. "No…"

"You are truly outstanding," Nagato allowed. "It took me some time to penetrate the program. But everything will end now."

"You've already planted destructive factors around long before I penetrated this place, haven't you?" Asakura looked despondent. "No wonder you looked rather weak. It was because you've used attacking data beforehand."

Weak? Nagato was practically bouncing you across the room or space or whatever. I was sort of expecting more action.

"It's such a pity," Asakura mumbled. "After all, I'm just back-up… I thought this would be a good chance to break free of the deadlock…"

"Your only intention was to elicit a reaction from Suzumiya Haruhi?" Nagato inquired.

Asakura paused. She smiled.

"Well, to tell the truth, I had begun to understand a little more about why humans like sex–"

Nagato's hand blurred.

Asakura looked really surprised. And hurt. And impaled by about half a dozen spears. She was bleeding all over the front of her blouse.

"That," she gasped, "That was…"

Asakura!

"…that was mean, Nagato…"

Somehow, I can really appreciate the irony of that statement.

Asakura toppled like an axed tree. "Is… this… all?" she whimpered.

Did you get that line off a video game or something?

Nagato's glasses gleamed. (Just like Gendo Ikari's would. Creepy…) She raises her hand to finish off Asakura.


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The bell rings. Break time. Yay.

"Kyon-kun."

Oh. Asakura. Hi.

"Thank you very much for yesterday…"

You're welcome. I think.

"I owe you my– well, I owe you a lot."

You do.

"Of course." She beams while keeping her eyes closed, which I have to admit really suited her face.

Hard to believe she was all but dead yesterday.


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"Wait!"

To my surprise (and sudden horror), I found myself placed between the lion and her prey– I mean, between Nagato and Asakura.

"Stop!" I was even holding my arms out to my sides with my hands open. A classic plea to get killed.

"Kyon-kun?" Asakura sounded really startled.

I know. I've seen this scene before in Shakugan No Shana. I'm really hoping you wouldn't attack me from behind like that creepy doll did with Yuuji…

"Kyon," Nagato ordered. "Move aside."

I'd tell you how glad I would be to do just that. But:

"Nagato!"

I feel so heroic yelling out her name like that. Even better, I actually stopped her.

"?"

Me: "There's no need–"

"Kyon…"

"–to fight over me," I finished.

Did I just say what I just said?

Yes, I did.

Shit.


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The door slides open. I glance over my shoulder. Asakura follows my gaze.

Great. Here comes the Charbydis to Asakura's Scylla.

Nagato Yuki calmly walks into the 1-5 classroom.


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To Be Continued

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A/N: I really should reply to you, my reviewers. I keep forgetting, though. Now, though, it is incumbent upon me to do so. Thus, the first (that I remember) Sheo Darren Answers His Reviewers section begins! In chronological order…


JWM
: I don't mind KyonXHaruhi. But KyonXKoizumi is... ugh… brrrr… yaoi…

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KyonXHaruhi: What? Where? Where? I wish for a copy of this doujin! Stat!

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Person with many aliases: Oh, yes, Asakura is hot as Hell. Yuki is my Goddess, but Asakura is a welcome Lilith.

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Eys Vyrz: I lifted the opening almost completely word-by-word from a translation of the light novel. I just changed the legendary line "I have to kill you" with "I'll make out with you." Asakura was not meant to die so soon!

On the "Why? Naze?" part: Good point. I took most of the first chapter from the light novel, though I did watch the anime episode again.

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Tanuuki: Thank you!

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Box Queen: Asakura has always struck me as simultaneously logical and unstable. That's part of her appeal. Psycho characters are always interesting. And psycho girls are always hot. Just look at Kaede from Shuffle.

-

Don Piano: I went for blueberries because they're more or less the same color as Asakura's hair, as well as being sweet.

Nagato is actually a rather frightening girl, if you think about it. There is so much that can go wrong with her when it comes to relating with other people.

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AC23: Oh? You've one of my ManKin readers? browses reviews Well, while I can't find your reviews right now, I'm glad to meet you again!

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HikariNiwa: And here you are! I hope you like it!

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Lone Wolf NEO: Hey, buddy! Thanks for the GOLD. I need money. lol

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Aphotic Bandit: Glad you liked it.

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Kirako: Yes! Yes! I knew it! I just knew it was a genius line! Even better than Asakura's "make-out" statement! Sankyuu!!!

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Nitro: Yes, it's a great show. All the doujins and pictures and fan fics it spawned are inspiring me to write. I'm hoping that my story will go on for a long time.

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YourStoryIsAwesome: It's easy. This story will now become a harem-love-comedy that continuously teeters on the brink of an Apocalypse at the hand of a jealous tsundere God. Yep. Just another day in SHnY…

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Qem: Yes. Kyon is the real God of SHnY. That's why he gets all the girls.

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MP5: Arigatou.

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Lance Captain Jaramin Aldhern: Woah. I'd never thought I'd meet you here, so far from the Gunslinger Girl section!

As for your suggestion: though I find the idea of AsakuraXHaruhi extremely hot, I will have to pass on it. Maybe later, when I'm particularly feeling lonely because I have no girlfriend so far. --

If it makes you feel any better, Kyon shares your sentiments. lol

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Mars: Agreed!

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squallwis04: Indeed. Kyon's face at that moment is an absolute classic. As for your wish? You and the others just got it!

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To Everyone
: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!