I do not own these characters or the story. All credit to the author and fsog.
A loud noise goes off and my eyes quickly open. I thought that noise was a part of my dream. I blindly search for my phone on the nightstand. The sun is attempting to break through into my bedroom, but I'm one step ahead of it with double sided curtains. The room is still dark for the most part and I find I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open still.
I find my phone just as it stops ringing. I sit up when I see how many missed calls and messages I have. Most are from Christian. I must have fell asleep before talking to him last night. When I look at the time I see it's 10:45 am... how in the world did I sleep so late. I haven't slept past 6 am since I was in college.
My phone starts ringing again and it's like a moment of clarity for me. I only see one way to solve this problem between Christian, Luke, and I. Resolve hits me and I know what must be done now. I answer the phone before I cuts off.
"Hello?"
"ANA! What the fuck? Why aren't you answering my phone calls or messages?" He is frantic as he speaks and my heart aches a little more.
"Christian. Calm down, I'm fine-" I start to explain but he cuts me off.
"Don't ever tell me to calm down, Anastasia." He growls over the phone and my spine straightens itself out. I'm silent, waiting for him to speak again. I'm not putting up with his crap today. I need to start making my decision believable anyways.
"Ana?" His small voice echoes through the phone after he releases a sigh.
"Yeah?" I answer back annoyed.
"I didn't mean to yell at you." Of course you didn't, Grey. "I was just worried about you."
"Like I said before you cut me off, I'm fine. I fell asleep as soon as I got home and just now woke up when I received your 800th call." My voice is void of emotion as I have to explain what I've been doing or lack thereof. I hate having to explain myself and Christian, well, he wants to know what has happened every minute of my day. I frown as that thought hits me. How did I put up with this for months?
"I'm sorry, okay?" He attempts an apology, but I remain silent letting him lead this conversation. "Luke and I are about to leave for brunch. Everyone is meeting at the new restaurant in Pike Market. I'll pick you in twenty minutes."
Fuck.
"Actually, I think I'm going to pass this morning. You go ahead and eat something yummy for me." I try to sound less impassive and aim for sincere, but I'm not sure if it came off that way. I wait for a response from him, but I'm met with silence from his end. I keep with my earlier philosophy and remain silent. He finally responds after a long, quiet minute.
"Ana…" The pain in his voice wounds me and I have no doubt that he knows something is up. "This is the second time you've done this in less than 24 hours. Is something wrong? Have I done something?" Him worrying over this just makes all of this worse. He shouldn't care about me or this relationship.
"No... I just want to go back to sleep. I'm tired. Go have fun with Luke. Enjoy some guy time." I aim to give Luke the time he wanted with Christian, but as of my decision earlier it won't be needed.
"Can I see you later? Luke is going to his parents' house tonight." He sounds like a small, lost child and it chills me to my core. It's reminds me of my childhood - a time I would rather forget. This moves my plans up earlier than I hoped, but there is no perfect time to break up with someone.
"Sure. Just call me when you are on your way." I agree nonchalantly. I hang up the phone without a goodbye. I'm prepared to do this. I'm prepared to breakup with Christian so it doesn't end his relationship with his best friend. I decide to shower then plan the best way to end things without making Christian too upset. Why do you care? Another frown forms on my face at the thought. I don't know why I care...I've never cared before when I had to break up with someone. So why is Christian any different?
I place the dishes I used earlier for lunch in the dishwasher and start the machine. A low hum fills the kitchen as I walk away. I grab the remote off the coffee table as I curl up in the corner of the couch. I haven't heard from Christian yet, but I don't expect him for a few more hours. It's only 12:30 pm and I expect they aren't finished with lunch yet.
I flip through the channels without actually paying attention to what's on tv. I'm too anxious for later that I can't focus on anything at the moment. I've already cleaned the house, made lunch, and finished some work. There's nothing left to do until he calls. I finally find a tv show that catches my eye. Surprisingly, it's a real life murder mystery show. I shut my brain off and try to solve the bigger issue on tv. I'm about halfway through the show when I hear a loud noise outside that sounded like a car door slamming. I jump at the noise and sit up straight. I mite the tv waiting to hear anything else and I jump again when a rapid pounding comes from the front door. I get up slowly, a little frightened at who might be at the door. I walk towards it anxiously. When I look through the peephole, I see a disheveled Christian on the other side. I swing the door open, alarmed at whatever has happened to put him in this state. His face is pale and his hair a mess on top of his head. He has one hand propped against the brick next to the door. When his eyes meet mine, I am shocked at all of the emotions in them. Pain, shock, anger, hurt, and that dark fire is burning brightly.
"When were you going to tell me?" He grits out while his jaw visibly clinches together. I know my face must register confusion because he explains further as he gets close to my face. "When were you going to tell me that you've fucked my best friend?" Holy shit. How did he figure it out? I'm confused even more now until something clicks. Luke. That asshole told him.
"Christian come inside, please." I open the door for him and he moves past me swiftly. I was expecting for this to happen so soon. I thought I had hours more to figure my words out. I follow him to the living room and watch him as he paces back and forth. He runs his hands through his hair. I'm searching my heads for the right way to approach this. I didn't expect him to ever find out, hence why I was going to end things with him.
"Tell me, Ana. Tell me when you were going to tell me." He begs me much quieter than when he was outside. Come on, Ana. Get your words out.
"I- I wasn't." I answer honestly. Time to be honest and finish this. This has become a mess of a relationship. It was supposed to be simple. Sex is simple, but not this time. He looks wounded at my words.
"You weren't going to tell me? You have got to be kidding me, Ana!" His shock resonates through his eyes as we stand across the room from each other. He laughs darkly and runs a hand through his hair again. "You weren't fucking going to tell me. Unfucking believable." His dark laugh echoes through the room. His eye find mine and I watch as anger fuels the fire I saw earlier.
"So, let me get this straight. You were going to let me keep falling in love with you-"
"Christian, no…" I cut him off while shaking my head. He doesn't love me. He's confused and emotional. He doesn't love me.
"Don't fucking insult me or my heart, Anastasia." He half screams half grits out. I'm stunned as I've never seen him this angry or hurt before. It's a side I never want to see again to be honest. "Also, don't fucking lie to yourself. You love me. Just as much as I love you. We can keep playing this game you've created for yourself, but I know you more than you know yourself. You love me just as much as I love you!" He continues to ramble on, but I can't concentrate anymore. What the fuck is he going on about? Love? No, I don't do love. His voice gets louder and it only causes my anxiety level to raise. I'm suddenly nauseous and then the flashbacks start to occur. From my childhood to my adult life. Every moment when I should have been loved, but people decided I wasn't worth that affection. I run my hands through my hair and pull tightly. Christian is still talking and I need to end this. I can't revert back to my old ways and it's going to happen if this continues.
"I was going to break up with you!" I yell in order to get Christian to end his monologue on love. I look over at him and watch as he grabs his chest - right over his heart. Pain radiates off his face and I watch as he sinks to the couch.
"What?" He asks in a scared whisper with wide eyes.
"I was-" not was, Ana "I'm breaking up with you." I tell him truthfully as I move closer to him. I watch as tears begin to form in his beautiful gray eyes.
"No…" He says as if it will change my mind. He hasn't taken his eyes off me and I test the waters with moving to sit in front of him on the coffee table. My stomach gurgles again and I have to remind myself it's what's best from everyone involved. He gets to keep his best friend slash family member. I'll be fine. I'll move on...I always move on. I've never had a choice.
"Yes." I counter him. I watch him like hawk watches a wounded animal. My eyes remember every single detail about his face in this moment. I need to remember this feeling. This awful heart wrenching feeling that I've been subjected to before. I need to remember this so I never play with fire again.
"No, please don't do this. I love you. I know you don't want to hear it, but I do. I love you." His strangled plea hits my heart like a knife. I can't return those words to him, but I can give him his best friend back.
"Christian, this" I motion between us "is over. I can't return your love. I told you from the beginning what I could offer to you in terms of a relationship. I was honest and upfront about it-" I try to explain but he cuts me off.
"Don't lie to me, please." His angry demeanor is gone and replaced with a broken man sitting in front of me. I reach for his hand that is situated on top of his knee. Just touch him one last time…
"I'm not lying to you Christian." I respond gruffly. This is worst than I ever could imagine. I thought he would take this well, not practically in tears over me. Sirens are going off in my head that his reaction is important, but I can't focus on them right now. I need to end this so he can get back to his life and family.
"Why do we have to break up over this? This-" his lips quiver "what I found out doesn't change anything." A small hiccup escapes from him and I immediately get up to grab him a water bottle from the fridge. I hand it to him and he takes it graciously. I'm ready to explain why this is over, but he asks me something that is reminiscent of Luke the night before.
"Do you still love him? Do you want to be with him? Is that why you are breaking up with me?" He regards me carefully, knowing full well he may not like the answer.
"No and no. I never loved Luke. I don't want to be with Luke. I'm not breaking up with you so I can run into his arms." His body sags in what I assume is relief. He places the water bottle next to him on the end table.
"So why? Why does this have to end? I don't understand." He pleads for some sort of explanation.
"It has to end because I slept with your best friend…" I shake my head to rid thoughts of my childhood that same to return "we can't be together Christian. I would never forgive myself if I came in between you and your best friend."
"Ana, I would give up every single person in my life for you!" His voice is louder than normal. He's getting angry again.
"That's the point!" I shout back and jump up from my seat on the coffee table. Why doesn't he get how terrible it would be if he put me above the closest people to him? "Do you know how lucky you are to have every single person you do in your life?"
I wait for a response but it doesn't come. He just watches me as I pace the living room.
"Every single person in your life loves you, Christian. From your family to your best friends. Why would you give them up for someone you've only known a few months? You said Luke was more than your best friend. He was like family to you. Do you not see how lucky you are to have that?" I try my hardest at explaining. Shut this down, Ana.
"I would give them up because I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life-" he starts but I yell for him to stop with my hands raised towards him. If I don't get him out of here soon, he is going to see how ugly it gets when I start to lose control.
"Stop saying that. I can't give you what you want, Christian. I am not your more." Tears are starting to form and I can't cry in front of him. Then he would see the pain underneath all of this.
"I'll get over the fact you slept with Sawyer." He says this as if it is the answer to everything.
"You are the most jealous man I've ever met, Christian Grey. You have pouted for a week when you found out how many guys I've slept with and that was before we knew your best friend was one of them. How long before you punish me for being with him? Your silence, the never ending questions, and your need to compare yourself to my past. You won't get over it. Don't lie to me." His eyes shift to his lap. He knows I'm right. He constantly feels the need to one up my past. It would be awful if he tried to one up his best friend.
"I could still get over it." His mumbled response is nothing more than that. Mumbled words. Okay, Ana. Let's end it now.
"Look, there is no reason to continue this. It's clear you want more than what I can offer. I don't want to get married or have children. I'm perfectly fine with my life. I think we were headed for a break up anyways" lie. "It's just better to end this now before it gets even more complicated." I walk towards the door, hoping he gets the hint to follow. I hear his footsteps behind me. I open it for him and step to the side so he can leave. He stares at me for what feels like a lifetime before he leans down and places his lips against mine. I want to fight this. Fight the need to take him to my room and get lost in the ecstasy I crave in moments like this. I end the kiss much to his dislike and look out the door.
He doesn't say anything as he leaves, but I see the hurt all over his face. His eyes are full of unshed tears. He climbs in his suv and leaves without a fight. Done. It's over. He can go back to his best friend and all will be right in their world.
But why does it feel like I was just stabbed in the heart? What is this god awful emotion I'm feeling? I close the door and lock it before sinking to the floor in a heap of tears. I crawl to the bathroom and empty my already empty stomach. This is why I don't let relationships get too far. It causes more pain than anyone should ever need.
