The expression on Michelle's face made Carla's cheeks burn as her friends smile dissolved into wide eyed horror. She had stopped mid joke and regarded Carla curiously like she knew something was wrong even before she properly saw the other woman.
Carla did her best to look away, trying to lessen the sudden overwhelming sense of humiliation and embarrassment as she stood stupidly stuck like a rabbit in the headlights. She had quickly pulled her sleeve down past her hand and gripped it tight with her finger tips in the hope that she could magic the last ten minuets away.
The idea of facing the reality of her actions in someone else's judgment was something she wanted to run from. She could not explain and she had no lie prepared against the truth. The fact that she could willingly hurt herself was something she never thought she could verbalise. But the blood was sticking as it soaked through the delicate fabric of her clothing, her fingers tainted with red and the knife sat suspiciously on the counter in front of her.
She felt like a criminal.
It was all over so soon, one bloody revelation snatched away before she could start to feel better. It should have been a secret but she had been stupid enough to ruin it before she had a chance to use it. Not that she had planned to do it again or had made any plans at all but it was her own private decision to make.
"Carla, what?" Michelle questioned dropping her bag and frowning wearily at the other woman as she walked towards her.
Carla struggled to find her voice, childishly wondering if hiding in her room would make it all go away. She settled for taking a step backwards and meekly shifting her body in the hopes of avoiding Michelle's penetrating stare.
With quick concern that could only come from a parent Michelle quickly noticed the blood and the awkward way Carla held her injured arm.
"Hey did you hurt yourself?" She asked sounding a little fearful and unsure why her friend was so unresponsive.
Carla jumped a little when Michelle reached for her but remained impassive and swallowed against her shame. Michelle was gentle and firm as she grasped Carla's hand and eased up her sleeve.
She hated the way Michelle gasped and started to ask something before trailing off but mostly she hated herself for being so weak. For doing something so stupid that was associated with attention grabbing teenagers and making her friends eyes bright with urgent tears.
"Fuck" Michelle swore as Carla found the courage to watch her face, wincing at the way the fabric of her clothes rubbed against the cuts.
Michelle was still for a long moment. Carla knew the damage to her arm was minor but being allowed to bleed freely made it look like something out of a horror film. She wanted to apologise for the tear than escaped Michelle's dark eyes. Suddenly it was incomprehensible why she would ever hurt herself like that; she could not even look at what she had done.
With a hand under her chin Michelle pulled Carla's face towards her and forced eye contact. The younger woman was as serious as Carla had ever seen her. The hard anger reminding her of the last time Carla's actions had hurt her and that she had dragged the other woman into the street by her hair.
"Tell me this was an accident." Her voice was low and carefully controlled so unlike her normal behaviour.
It was not a question and they both already knew the truth. Carla could not lie to her friend, not after everything, she had already been such a coward.
Then the moment was broken and Michelle took control, wiping away another tear before it could fall she dragged Carla over to the sink and forced her wrist under the stream of cold water with a snapped command to hold still.
She left for a moment clearly to raid the first aid supplies that sat gathering dust in the bathroom. The coldness of the water sent a shiver down Carla's spine, she felt like a child being told what to do but at the same time it was oddly comforting having the responsibility taken away at her most indecisive moment.
When it appeared that the blood had stopped flowing she removed her arm and turned off the tap. Assessing the damage she had caused was grounding and clinically calming. She felt herself return a little as she decided it would not even need a bandage.
Her skin was pink and angry and her old scars were almost invisible against it. It was enough for her not have to think about the damage in her psychic or regard it as an unhealthy habit. It was easier to compartmentalise it all into a one off.
Michelle's eyes were a little bloodshot when she hurriedly emerged. It looked as if she had quickly wiped away her tears; her lips were pulled into a tight line as she tried to remain in control.
Efficiently she tore off a piece of kitchen roll and gently dabbed the other woman's arm dry. She seemed a little more together once she noted that the wounds were not life threatening but Carla was not sure if it was down to wishful thinking.
"It's not as bad as it looks." She stated naively at a loss to what else she could say. Her voice shook slightly after being so quiet for so long.
"Not as bad…" Michelle trailed off her parroting broken by a bitter laughter. She was unreadable as she tore open an antiseptic wipe. "Carla you sliced your own arm open, how could this not be beyond bad."
"I'm sorry." She whispered. And she really was. The last thing she wanted to be was any more of a burden on the people around her when she was only trying to be stronger than she felt.
Michelle sighed and deflated a little. She looked more sad than angry and it only made Carla feel worse. "I don't need you to be sorry I need tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
She pressed the wipe against Carla's skin and the other woman hissed at the way it stung. "That hurts" She moaned half heartedly.
"Good." Michelle shot back as she consecrated on cleaning the damage.
And for a second they could smile a little and roll their eyes and just be normal. The reality of going through the motions of first aid broke the atmosphere and the stigma of it all. Suddenly Carla was almost glad she had literally been caught red handed, it was the calmest she had felt in days.
"That should be fine uncovered just make sure you keep it clean." Michelle commanded softly as she finally let go of Carla's hand. She visibly swallowed looking a little timid and scared. "Come sit with me?" She asked.
Carla hesitated before nodding feeling free to escape but she owed Michelle more than that. The rolled up sleeve of her shirt was uncomfortable and thick as it stuck to her skin. She thought about changing it for something soft and baggy and comforting but decided she should wait a little.
Without a word she headed for the sofa while Michelle lingered in the kitchen clearing up a little.
"Did you drink the rest of the wine?" She asked and Carla cringed. She sat slumped with her elbows resting on her thighs and her fingers woven together.
"Yeah" She breathed remembering how the liquid had looked so much like blood as it spiralled down the drain. She had never really had a conversation with Michelle about her drinking. She assumed her friend thought that sharing a few glasses at the end of a long day would do no harm. Most of the time Carla agreed with her.
"Damn I really could do with a glass." Michelle mumbled to herself. Carla almost told her about the bottle of whiskey she had hidden away before she decided she had probably worried her friend too much already without dealing with the secrets of her drink dependency.
She sat down quietly next to Carla and regarded her silently for a moment before gently taking her hand in hers.
"What was this about?" She asked carefully as if she was unsure of the reaction her directness would receive.
Carla narrowed her eyes a little and pressed her lips together as she considered her answer. It was such a vague and yet all encompassing thing to ask. Feeling remarkably sober she did her best to understand what had taken place herself.
"I don't know." She answered still at a loss. She pulled her hand away to push her hair away from her face as she twisted her body to face the other woman, a sad smile pulling at her lips.
"If I hadn't of walked in…" Michelle hesitated, picking up a pillow and absently traced invisible patterns with her finger tips. "If I hadn't interrupted…" She scrunched up her face like she was about to cry again. "Would I be coming home to find a body?" She finally asked. Her eyes watched the other woman closely breathing a little heavier with nervousness.
"No," Carla answered firmly with no hesitation. Of all the things that had been going through her mind that had never even been an option. Michelle had not been present for her suicide attempt and she wondered if that made it worse, made it harder to understand why she would never try anything like that again.
She turned so that she was fully facing the other woman and folded her legs under her body. She placed her hands firmly on Michelle's knees hoping the confidence in her touch would be enough when she was still being regarded so sceptically.
"No," Carla said again. "I would never do that to you. I don't want to die Michelle."
Another tear fell from her friends eyes and it dawned on Carla that for every emotion raging inside her she had not cried once the whole day. She wondered if Michelle thought she was unstable or unfeeling. She wondered when she had become so settled she almost felt numb.
"But you have been doing so well. I don't understand why now." Michelle chocked on a sob. She seemed so sad.
"I'm not sure if I can explain why. There is this constant pressure, a constant fear and until this bloody court case is out the way I can't think of anything else. I guess I just snapped and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't really know what I was doing." She answered softly wiping the other woman's tears away.
"You could have talked to me." The accusation hurt especially when it was delivered so heartbreakingly softly.
Carla was growing used to sharing small pieces of her emotions at AA meetings or with the rape counsellor but never with someone so loved so much. Sometimes it felt like she was protecting them from the extent of her pain. Other times she just did not want to be a burden. Mostly she was so used to being closed off that she had not learnt how to ask for help.
"I won't do it again." She promised. And she really meant it. Besides a moment of relief it had only made everything more complicated. Even the high from drinking lasted longer. But she was determined not to be so silly again just to stop the woman she considered a sister looking so distraught.
"You have to think rationally Carla. Even if you are not trying to kill yourself there is still the risk of infection or nerve and tendon damage. What happens the night you accidently cut too deep?" She ranted trying to press the seriousness of the situation.
Carla quietened her by squeezing her friend's hand. She understood all the risks and she understood why it was not so easy to believe she meant what she was saying.
"I won't do it again." She repeated.
Michelle seemed to relent a little as she moved on to her next question. "Have you done this before?"
Carla shook her head and it wasn't really a lie. It had never been her addiction, her problem. If anything it had been an experiment from another lifetime and not worth sharing. It was bad enough she was already an alcoholic, adulterous rape victim she did not need this to polluting who she was.
Ironically it was the almost lie that Michelle accepted the easiest.
"You promised me you wouldn't do anything stupid." She said finally face filled with turmoil.
Carla could not resist any longer and puller her friend into a tight hug.
"I know love, I know. I'm so sorry Chelle." She whispered into her ear as they clung to each other.
