Title: Don't Look Back
Chapter 2 – Michael Slattery – Loyalty runs Deeper than Duty


"Don't look back."

He wished Tom would look back but knew inside he wasn't going to. Was it pride or just stubbornness. Or both? Come on Tom…look back…make me think…feel…believe this isn't as final as it appears. But all Mike Slattery is rewarded with is Tom Chandler's back – taught shoulders and determined but defeated posture as he slowly but steadily becomes a tiny figure and then disappears from view.

Slattery shakes his head and then turns to look at his crew, all of them silently staring at the spot where Chandler had been standing, most of the core crew of the Nathan James staring in disbelief and quiet sadness. He looks up at Sasha who remains standing frozen in time with a somewhat forlorn expression on her face but her gaze fixed firmly onto the horizon.

He shouldn't have left….not like this…not for good…Slattery's mind inwardly churns as he turns and silently heads back into the belly of the Nathan James with an expression as somber as the rest of his crew. 'This is your ship now Mike…' the words…of course it was but the tone in Tom's voice made him shudder down to his very core. The mood on the ship had changed – at least for now as everyone was trying to mentally digest what just happened.

Chandler resigned….for good…gone…for good…

Slattery slips into his quiet quarters and slowly walks up to his desk, his eyes dropping down to a picture of him and Tom – a picture they both had a copy of, one of them smiling, holding beers and cigars – the mood that of two best buddies, brothers bonded by loyalty and duty.

His first impulse is to go and see Chandler and tell him that he's ripped up his resignation and that was final. Of course he knows Tom doesn't answer to him but if it could change Chandler's mind about at least staying with the Navy…then something inside would feel a little less agitated.

He would have convinced me…why didn't I try harder? What else could I have said? All those damn pep talks from him and I only agreed with his decision? Reluctantly but…still couldn't convince him to stay, in any form.

"Damn it Tom," Slattery softly curses as he picks up the picture and then stares at it with a stony expression as his heart droops. It wasn't like they were in port for a few weeks of repairs and then back onto the open waters for their next adventure. But…there would be no "their" next adventure and that suddenly forces his morbid anxiety to spike.

For a split second he considers picking up the phone, calling Chandler and telling him that his decision was too rash and he just needed some time but he would go stir crazy doing nothing and would be back. Maybe he has a plan? Maybe he wants to just settle down and be a regular father now? do…nothing? His brain inwardly laughs at that as he knows Chandler's a man of action and for him to just sit around waiting for the action to come to him would be out of character.

Chandler needs to go home…see his kids, bury his father and grieve – properly grieve because he hasn't had time yet. He needs to do this. "Right," Slattery huffs as he slowly places the picture back in it's place. But…his inner monologue continues … he can't do that forever, its not even healthy. Wait a month…and then go see how he's doing.

And he would. As much as he'd hate to watch the days tick slowly past, counting down, he'd do it. He'd give Chandler his time, his time to bond with his family and then he'd go and see him. And then what? …that he didn't know in that moment but was sure as soon as he reconnected with his friend, a future plan would present itself.

At least…that's what he hoped for.

XXXXXXXX

For the first time in weeks…Mike Slattery feels nervous anxiety gripping his frame as he, now dressed in civilian clothing, steps, from the plank of the Nathan James and slowly walks toward the waiting Jeep. His mind races with wonder about how Chandler was doing. What had he done in a month? Were they even still at the same location? Had he found a new job? How had the kids fared? How…where…why…when…maybe…what if…so many questions swirling around and just adding to his inner agitation. Of course he didn't call Chandler ahead of time, not wanting Tom to tell him he was fine and didn't want to be disturbed.

He drives through the somewhat disheveled streets of Saint Louis, an area that had at one time been unfamiliar but now was home to most of them. With the seat of Government and Naval Operations moving to St. Louis, all of them had to try to rebuild in a new area, if they so wanted.

Slattery stops the jeep a few houses down and then stops and looks at the Chandler home with a heavy gaze; his heart rate starting to pick up the pace. Go…knock on the door and then…he's not going to turn you away…he's…in reality he didn't know what to expect.

A month had passed but it might as well have been a lifetime as he feels some odd disconnect starting to form as his steps near the front door. But Slattery tells himself come what may, he'll see how his friend is and then…go back to the ship and sulk for a few hours? Touché….

"Sam, hey," Slattery greets the youngest male Chandler with a friendly smile as Sam gives him a small smile in return and hesitates for a few minutes before letting Slattery enter. "Is your dad here?"

"Yeah…out back. You can go see him."

"Thanks. How are you?"

"Fine," Sam shrugs as Slattery offers him a casual pat on the back and then looks up as Ashley enters the room.

"Hey Ashley."

"Hey," she extends as Slattery nears and he replies with a friendly greeting of his own.

Both children look at him with uncertainty, wondering if he was there to take their father away on some dangerous mission with the very real possibility that he could be killed in action and they'd be orphans.

"Just want to talk to him for a few minutes," Slattery qualifies, almost feeling the need to justify the reason for his visit, feeling a twinge of guilt tugging at him as their silent gazes start to penetrate into his core. He gives them a nod and then pushes on toward the back and then outside into the cool fresh air.

He pauses for a few seconds on the deck as he spies the neatly manicured lawn and then lets his gaze rest on – not his missing friend but something else that wasn't there before. Two modest tombstones.

'Darien Chandler and Jedidiah Chandler.'

Slattery nears the somber little backyard memorial and drops his eyes to let them rest on the two solid slabs of grey; his mind so immersed in contemplating what that tormented ceremony must have been like that he fails to hear or sense his friend coming up beside him.

"The local cemetery just didn't seem…personal enough."

Slattery slightly nods and then turns to look at his friend with a tense expression.

"Mike."

"Hope I'm not intruding," Slattery greets as the two of them offer the other a brotherly hug and then pull back, looking at the other with friendly smiles.

"Never."

The persona looks the same but it's obvious to anyone that's looking, the Tom Chandler standing before him now isn't the same man that left the deck of the Nathan James a month ago. Not looking back. Life had changed him. Aged him. Broken him.

Had he picked up and successfully glued back all the pieces? Time would tell that.

"Had I known you were coming I woulda shaved," Chandler lightly retorts as he rubs the few days facial hair growth.

"I woulda called first but…" Slattery starts as Chandler directs them toward two chairs on the back deck. "Wasn't sure you would have opened the door."

"Always. The door is always open," Chandler tells him directly.

A few seconds silence starts to develop as both settle into their chairs; Chandler looking up to see his kids watching and then looks at his friend with a tense expression.

"So…how are you? I would have come sooner but…but figured you needed the time to…" Slattery pauses as he looks back into the yard toward the small makeshift memorial site. "To get things done here. How are the kids?"

"They are better. Won't lie…first few weeks…were hell, on all of us. A few days after I uh…left, I called Kat Nolan. Wanted to say sorry and tell her how her father died. She was angry at first and resentful and I couldn't blame her. But she…forgave me. Needed to hear that."

OF COURSE SHE DID! IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! I TRIED TO TELL YOU THAT! Slattery's mind wanted to yell. But he didn't. Chandler needed to hear that as part of his own personal recovery and grieving process. Allison Shaw murdered Tex – not Thomas Chandler but because it was Chandler's plan and his family involved, his life, it was as if he had personally pulled the trigger. Plus…Tex's death wasn't just another sailor on the ship. He was a friend. A friend who although knowing the risks, offered up his life after trying to be that last vestige of a moral compass that Chandler so desperately needed.

"Course she did," Slattery comments softly as Chandler's brow furrows. "I really want to ask if you're getting cabin fever yet but I think the kids have already set a trap for me," he lightly chuckles as Chandler's expression softens.

"Mike…"

"You know you don't answer to me right? I got it…I might not have agreed with it fully but…but I had to respect it."

"I'm all they have left."

"I get that. And that's why I didn't come banging on the door a few days after you left telling you to reconsider your actions," Slattery explains somberly. "Wanted to. But I knew you didn't have time to grieve. And with Jed…I get it. You had no time to grieve Darien and…yeah."

"I didn't want them to hate me or think I cared more about this country than them," Chandler confesses as his gaze wanders out toward the back yard and rests on his wife's tombstone. "This country is built or should be rebuilt on the strength of families, so how could I tell them that and leave when…when I hold myself responsible for destroying ours."

Slattery looks at Chandler and opens his mouth when Chandler holds up his hand and his speech instantly stops.

"They helped me work past that," Chandler quickly qualifies. "Helped me see how much all families have lost."

"Admire that," Slattery whispers with a small note of sour in his tone.

"Mike…"

"I don't resent you having them. I…I envy that," Slattery replies with a stiff lipped smile as Chandler's brows arch.

"Envy. That's green."

"And Green is for those army guys," Slattery concludes and both lightly laugh. "I haven't given up hope but…but I have come to terms with…with myself I guess."

"How's everyone?"

"Doing fine," Slattery simply replies. "Everyone's asked about you. Tom, you were such a big part of their lives. Course they're still wondering. Was bombarded with hello's when they heard I was coming here," he ends with a small snicker before his expression clouds once more.

"How's uh…Sasha?"

"Haven't seen her since she left the ship," Slattery admits. "Thought she'd have been here by now."

"No. Maybe I can't blame her," Chandler lightly groans.

"If you had asked me that day…to walk off the ship with you…I might have."

"No you wouldn't," Chandler replies in haste. "At least not to join my…personal crusade."

"I hope you were able to get some closure."

"I was…in part. This helps," Chandler gestures with his head toward the small memorial in the near distance. "Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or just need to talk or…or just sit and stare at it and remember good times I can. I don't have to go far. Was Ashley's idea."

"Smart girl."

"Damn stubborn too," Chandler smiles.

"Runs in the family."

Chandler's lips slightly twist upward as he recalls the moment the three of them were standing in the quiet funeral home just after Jed had been cremated. They took the modest urn home and put it beside Darien's and broke down – again. Then an idea came to mind and was implemented; all of them slowly finding comfort in some real closure.

"It's helped."

"Do they get to uh…see Deb and Frankie very much?"

Chandler hears the question and then looks at his friend with a small frown, knowing exactly what he's asking.

"Just…asking."

"Are you?"

"You know I didn't come here to mollycoddle you right?" Slattery retorts flatly.

"You're not really molly whatever kinda guy," Chandler tosses back with a slight smirk. "Was waiting for the ass kicking."

"But…then it's not my place to impose them on Deb," Slattery adds as he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees and looks down for a few seconds and then back up. "Seems odd though…"

"What?"

"Going back out there without you watching my back…from wherever or however far you are…doesn't seem right," Slattery confesses as he slowly sits back up. "Don't want to guilt but had to say it."

"No I uh…the first few weeks were necessary. Even now…I wonder if enough time has passed before."

"It's your call not mine. I don't want to add to any guilt or leave here with you feeling guilty because of something I said. Or the kids to resent me when my intentions are…I don't know what they are," Slattery groans as he casts a thoughtful glance at his friend.

"I've been very open with the kids about everything," Chandler admits. "They know I won't be staying home forever but right now…I don't know how long or…or what capacity I'll…I don't know."

Slattery got it. Love for his family…loyalty to them had to run deeper than duty if Tom Chandler was to have any hope at all of returning to any kind of…duty? Work? Service? That was the biggest question on Mike Slattery's mind at the moment – what role was Tom Chandler going to take next?

"So…wanna stay for dinner?"

"Yeah…love to."


A/N: So again I have no idea what or who will make Chandler actually come back so am leaving these a bit open ended, wanting to show that maybe it's a few factors that make him come back – to whatever action they put him into. But are the visits done? Sasha's is up next. Hope you all liked Slattery's and would love your thoughts on this so please do review before you go and thanks so much!