This chapter is rather long, the next is a little bit shorter.
Chapter 4:
If Misaki said that she was completely undisturbed by his appearance, she would be lying. In fact, it took much of her strength to stand her ground. Every time she saw him, bad memories would surge forward, swarmed by a strange complicated feeling that she could not understand. She was the epitome of a stupid girl who was betrayed by love, and he was the reason. Now though, she was no longer a 'girl', she was a 'woman', who could now stand with him on the stage and no one would be able to talk negatively about her. Ayuzawa Misaki was that successful, the so-called 'Empress of The Business World', combined with brains and looks, well-known celebrity and rich bachelorette, what man would not want her? She first started just to say "In your face!" to him when they met again, though now that the time has come, she just simply looked at him.
"Come in." Were the two words that slipped easily out of her mouth while she stood in her lingerie in front of him, realizing this fact, she remembered the horribly short bathrobe that Igarashi bought for her, and so she slipped it on. Even without looking, she could feel his gaze on her, caressing her up and down with his eyes.
Embarrassment?
Nah, lingerie was just like bikinis, and she's posed in bikinis way too many times to care, or maybe Misaki was just too good at lying to herself
(flashback)
As she ran away, like a liar asking for forgiveness, Usui appeared everywhere she went, so she hid in the one place she was sure he would not look. Before she knew it, she ended up in Igarashi Tora's mansion on a sunny Saturday morning. It was not as though she expected him to let her in, but she had a feeling he would, and lucky for her, he did.
(flashback end)
"Have you eaten yet?" she led him through to the kitchen, pulling out ingredients from the fridge, even though moments before, the house seemed so warm with Igarashi in it, it was now below freezing.
She could still feel him staring at her, she never could figure out what Usui Takumi was thinking, and she still cannot.
"It smells like curry." He commented, sniffing the kitchen, Ayuzawa chose to ignore it.
Really, she did not care about the incident anymore, she moved on, it was over, there was nothing left between them. He can go and do whatever he wants, she could not care less, if she were to describe their relationship, it would be old friends. Despite everything, memories had already replaced what once she believed was love. Usui taught her so much irreplaceable things in life, how it feels to truly fall for someone, integrity, to see out the box, and that does not matter who or what, they cannot be trusted, though Ayuzawa would agree that Tora had earned himself her trust.
If that's the case… then why is it so hard to keep a straight face?
Over the years, the one thing that Ayuzawa learned was to lie.
To everybody, even herself.
"Is omelet rice alright?"
When she had fallen, it was Igarashi who picked her up and allowed her to rearrange herself. It was one wrong move, and she slipped, if she waited for him instead of rushing to his house, perhaps it would have been different. She would have liked it better if Usui had straight out told her that he no longer loved her, but that's not what he did. With all her strength, she tried to hate him, and she was successful, but the more she hated him, the more she thought of him, the more she thought of him, the more she realized how much he meant to her, and the more she realized that, the harder it became to let go. It took the strength that Igarashi lent her, the mask she hastily forged, and Gerald Walker to finally convince him to give her up… at least for a while.
"Anything Ayuzawa cooks is fine." Sweet words and gentle actions, that was part of him, but it was his support that eventually that caused her to become so infatuated with him. Usui always seemed to know exactly what she wanted even if she gave no indication of so, he noticed everything about her that nobody else bothered, he was always a step ahead of her and holding her hands while skating backwards.
Igarashi is different; he has not the slightest concept of how she might be feeling. Instead of being gentle, he was rather violent when things did not go as he planned, the more Ayuzawa got to know him, the more she became aware of how easily Igarashi blushed, how absurdly clumsy and soft-hearted he was. They were so different, yet Ayuzawa fell for them both. She enjoyed his clumsiness, the way he tried so hard to impress her, while Usui could simply do that with a click of a finger. She valued his hard work as much as his awkwardness.
"Do you collect these?" She turned the fire to medium and sat down beside Usui, who was looking through one of her drawers on the bottom of her bookshelf.
He arrived in her world so suddenly, sweeping away all her senses and everything else possibly worth sweeping, and then he was gone as unforeseen as he appeared, except even after she tried to banish him from his world, he always seemed to know a secret route back in.
She shook his head, "Igarashi does."
"He puts these in your house?"
"I believe he has another collection that he keeps." Through the photos, Ayuzawa examined her own face, never in her life did she think she would end up modeling and singing with her once horrible voice. People were right, the more torn apart you are, the better you sing, so Ayuzawa sang pretty damn well.
Somehow, she has grown to know Takumi pretty well too, his actions were more predictable than she thought, she felt a foreign smile forming on her face as his teeth clenched.
Out of nowhere, he flung himself on top of her, his hands on either side of her hips, Ayuzawa stared into those familiar green eyes lazily.
"Misaki." He looked at her feverishly, hungrily devouring her gaze, "Have you really forgotten me?" He whispered, his voice barely audible over the whirl of the stove. Though his voice did not betray him, his eyes did. From the flicker of the limes; Misaki could sense an emotion she rarely found in Takumi's eyes – fear.
"I think it's done, the omelet" She murmured, pushing her way out of his arms and away into the stove, he did not stop her.
After she set the table for him, she went to take a shower. It was quite late, Misaki slipped out of her silky robe, an unusual weight over her body. She sighed and leaned on the sink, a hand over her forehead, she turned the bathroom light off. Quickly, she switched on the shower and stepped in frantically, allowing the water to wash over her while she felt her body shake ever so slightly.
When he first left her, she remembered sitting on Igarashi's bed and staring out of his large window. She thought she could not feel anything, but it was painful, it was so painful she was sure she would go crazy and on a rampage, but at the same time she felt so weak, no more strength to carry out her usual duty. She stayed in Igarashi's bedroom for days after a hasty call home to reassure her mother.
Then one day, she could take no more, and with a surge of adrenaline ran out of his house and into a forest, screaming and howling her head off, by the time she was done, she simply crouched down near a try and started wailing like a baby. That was the first time she cried over the matter, screaming until her throat was raw and her eyes felt bruised, until every single muscle in her body could spasm no more. In the dark of the night, she allowed herself to fly out of control. Or perhaps like a balloon, she simply popped.
Soon after, she stepped out of the shower and applied a clean white mask over her face; her eyes were rather red.
She walked out, drying her hair with a towel to find Usui standing by the door, "did someone come?"
He shook his head with a small grin, "I was just interested what else would be in this closet."
Ayuzawa stared at him, and then shook her head with a small sigh, liar, "goodnight, Usui, no, I mean Takumi."
"Wait, Misaki." Hearing his voice, she felt her chest twinge, I don't have any feelings for him… I don't have any feelings for him… she told herself firmly.
"May I help you?"
Gently, she felt him grab her hand from behind; she froze. He caressed her hand with his own, over the years, his hand had gotten rougher, Misaki closed her eyes, tugging back the tears that were threatening to spill.
She felt him hesitating, "Ayuza- no, Misaki…" she breathed as deeply as she dared, trying her hardest to stop him from noticing her slightly ragged breathing, "I think I have told you this millions of times before… I'm sorry, it's my fault."
It was taking Misaki every ounce of her extensive will power just to stop herself from shaking.
"I didn't think… that Gerald would get me drunk… I didn't realize… that the girl was not you…" He clasped her hand tighter, "Do I not get another chance?"
Using her last strength, she pulled her hand away from him and whispered, without turning around in the harshest manner she could manage, "You're pathetic." Without wasting another millisecond, she buried herself in the nearest room, which happened to be Tora's. She leapt into the bed and ripped the mask off her face, with a pillow muffling her voice, she hoped her thumping heart would stop throbbing so horribly.
So completely and utterly alone she was in the dark room, surrounded by Igarashi's smell while sobbing pitifully over Usui. She had a strange urge to laugh at herself, Usui was not the pathetic one, she was. Over the course of the six years, putting down Usui was all she ever thought about, until Igarashi integrated into her life, now she could not return to Usui even if she wanted to, she really brought this over on herself, she really has become a wretched woman with no more destination.
As the way she was, she was not worthy for either of them.
What happened to all her beautiful goals? How could she allow them to be ruined in those five seconds?
Rewind
Usui watched as the man drove away with a happy expression, and he smirked. He was slightly nervous, but in a good way, in a rare, excited sort of manner.
He had been anticipating for this moment for a while, the last time they met, she kicked her in the face, he wondered what she would do this time. Ayuzawa never cease to be interesting, he felt his smirk falter slightly, the situation was direr than he tried to think it was, he was waist deep in a substance called 'I-cheated-on-my-girl-friend-and-now-she-won't-for give-me'.
When she opened the door, he thought his mouth was going to drop open, though he somehow was able to maintain the same smug expression.
"Ah, Ayuzawa, I never knew you were such an eager woman." He glanced her up and down, sweat was starting to break out, it was a pleasant sight, though it annoyed him that Igarashi saw more of this side of her than he did.
Maybe she noticed his discomfort, but she grabbed a silky gray short bathrobe out of nowhere and threw it over herself. The light gleamed off her hair and her glossy skin, her honey coloured eyes seemed to be drawing him in, every part of her was teasing him. He felt like an idiot, standing outside undressing her with his eyes while she barely paid him any attention.
"Come in."
Surprised at the two words that bounced off her lips, he gracefully stepped in and closed the door behind him. The room was well-decorated in his opinion, not like Ayuzawa's style at all, everything was so graceful and clean, without a single spot of imperfection, it somewhat disappointed him.
"Have you eaten yet?" Drawing his attention back to her, he fixed his eyes on her legs while following her swaying hips into the kitchen.
This isn't the time to be thinking of this! His plan to destabilize his relationship with Misaki seemed to be falling apart; her get-up was not a part of his plan.
Well, going free-style was more of his thing anyway.
He settled on a seat by the marble counter, the seat was slightly warm; he wondered if it was Igarashi or Misaki who sat on it previously.
"Is omelet rice alright?"
She can cook?
He raised an eyebrow, "Anything Ayuzawa cooks is fine." He was at a loss at what to do, Misaki obviously was not trying to help him with his plan, and he himself was suddenly messing everything up, the last time his heart felt like this was when he forcefully kissed her, that sweet but forbidden feeling, even though he wants more… even though he cannot have more…
Getting up before he attacks her, Takumi stumbled to her bookshelf, which consisted volumes and volumes of complicated looking books that even Takumi would not bother reading, his eyes fell instead on a locked drawer on the bottom.
Curious, he bent down and opened it, it was unlocked, there were several photo collections in nice books, but also many clippings from magazines, even several small and large life-sized posters of Misaki. He smirked; he had practically every single one of these stashed in his own apartment. Taking out his favorite photo shoot of Misaki, he flicked through it, making note of the model that was in these photos is actually his (ex-) girlfriend, who now stood not even four meters away from him.
At the last page, a small photo fell out; it consisted of Misaki in casual attire, simply staring out the window. This shot was obviously unprofessional, though the way her eyes seemed so unfocused caught his attention, there was some sort of emotion that was causing his heart to wretch. Mesmerized, his attention averted from the photo back to reality when there was a gentle thunk in which Misaki closed the lid over the pot. Before he realized what he was doing, the photo already rested in his pocket.
"Do you collect these?" He waved the photos at her, who had the same thoughtless, zombie-like look.
She settled down close to him, he wanted to move closer to her, she was not actually far, but there was something wrong about the distance between them, and it bothered him.
Her hand slid across several pictures on the pile that Takumi laid out, "Igarashi does." She said quietly, her voice gentle as she traced the syllables into his name, the way she said his name really annoyed Takumi.
"He puts these in your house?" He asked, he did not really care, it was more like… something to hide his annoyance.
Ayuzawa chewed her lips, Takumi found it very cute, if he was allowed, he would hug her, "I believe he has another copy he keeps." He watched her flip through her own photos, there was a detached feeling about it, no, it was not exactly detached… she simply looked… tired.
Tired of all the drama, of all the hopes and dreams she had, tired of the feeling that had gone all wrong, tired of being all alone, blaming herself on the things that she cannot control. Tired was the one word that Takumi never thought he would use to describe Ayuzawa, who was always so sunny, full of energy and life, the sun that brightened his world… is it really wrong to want to chase after the sun who was threatening to never return?
From somewhere beneath her weary face emerged a small smile that was not small enough to escape from Takumi. It happened fast, he placed his hands on either side of her and leaned into her face. The honey coloured eyes bored into his, teasing him with their come-and-get-me-if-you-can look, Takumi always did love a challenge.
"Misaki," He started, but as soon as her name rolled off his tongue, he felt both of his arms slacken, an unknown pain stabbing at his heart, and before he knew it, the question he has always so wanted to know burst out like a bubble, "Have you really forgotten me?" His voice sounded weak to him, almost pleading, he tried to capture her in his gaze, but his power on her seemed to have dimmed, all the confidence he held faded away second after second as she failed to respond.
Instead, she pushed him inside, her soft hands felt like a thousand pounds landing on his heart, crushing it.
"I think it's done, the omelet." He allowed himself to be pushed aside and shook his head quickly, brining back the smug smile on his face, heavier than usual. When he dug into the omelet, the food that she made for him, not for anyone else, but him. As he turned around to give her a compliment, he noticed her already walking away, a familiar panic took over and he chased after her… until he realized she was only going to the bathroom for a shower.
Outside the door, he could hear the shower being turned out and her stepping behind the glass door, the thin door made him feel as though they were miles apart.
It was one result that he did not think would ever happen, the day that they fell apart. They were celebrating his graduation from the high school and the establishment of the company and the wonderful deals that would sure to keep the new company going for years. Little did he know that all the deals, everyone that had been present at the party were there not because they adored him, well, they were partially charmed by Takumi's façade, though they were even more charmed by Gerald's large pile of cash.
Before he knew it, he was drowsy after only a single champagne, the guests left rather fast, and soon after a dark haired girl who looked much like Misaki ran towards her, grabbing his arm with concern, he kissed her blurred features and in a slurred voice asked her to go to the roof with him. The girl accepted and the two stumbled into the night, and under the moon, he remembered kneeling down (almost falling over in the process) and asking her to marry him in a barely coherent voice. The entire event was exhilarating for him, he had slipped the ring onto the girl's blurred finger and carried her blurred figure out the blurred door and into the blurred street, shouted out to blurred people that he was getting married, and opened the blurred door to his apartment and threw her onto his blurred bed, until he could no longer take control of his blurred consciousness.
By the time he regained consciousness, it was already morning, his head hurt badly and he heard his bedroom door slam open with a loud scream of 'Happy eighteenth birthday, Usui!" Smiling happily, he rose and ignored his pounding headache and opened his arms at the raven haired, lemon-eyed girl who stared him with a horrified expression before turning on her heel and a loud door slam rang in his ears.
Disturbed, he realized that he was completely naked and a Misaki look-alike lay on the bed beside him, hastily pulling on her clothes too and ran out the door too.
Bewildered, he tried to remember what happened, but recognized the situation he was in. For once, he swore loudly and ran out the door after pulling on a pair of pants and grabbing a jacket at breakneck speed.
The sound of Misaki's doorbell at present time broke Takumi from his daydream, he walked to the door and peered at the person who stood outside. Unsurprised, Takumi smirked.
"Ah, Tiger-kun, how can I help you?"
Shocked at the voice that greeted him, Igarashi pounded at the door and yelled at him, "What are you doing here? Where's Misaki? What did you do to her?"
His angry and concerned voice irritated Takumi, Igarashi had no right to take Misaki from him, nobody had. Misaki was his sun, how dare he just steal that? Deep down, Takumi knew that he was the one that threw his sun out the door, nevertheless, it didn't stop him from wanting to strangle Igarashi.
"Shower." He replied simply, he smiled deviously as Igarashi's mouth dropped open.
"Give up, Tiger-kun, we're simply having a dinner together, doesn't the boyfriend have a key?"
Igarashi's fury grew, flames seemed to be bursting out from his eyes, "I didn't want to reveal this yet… but she's my fiancée, get your terminology right, Usui!" It was not like Igarashi to lose control in front of others, but when his fiancée was stuck together with a beast, there was not much he could do.
At the sound fiancée, Takumi's heart skipped a beat. He's kidding… right? That was his spot in the first place, not Igarashi's. The guy simply stepped in and took everything away from him. As though a volcano erupted, Takumi allowed his face to be lit by a bright smile.
"Tiger-kun, remember how Misaki kicked me and ran away last time? She's perfectly capable of herself, yet she allowed me to stay here, don't you know what that means?" He no longer cared how many people he had to hurt, as long as that one person stuck with him.
Silence greeted him, he looked through the peephole, and saw Igarashi running away from the door rapidly. Takumi watched him with a raised an eyebrow, how half hearted he thought, leaving just because of that.
"Did someone come?"
Takumi turned around with a small smile and shook his head, "I was just interested in what else would be in this closet." She blinked at him and sighed.
"Good night Usui, no, I mean Takumi."
Watching her leave with such a dejected look was pulling at him again, every time she walked away, he had the strangest feeling of as though she would never return, reflexively, he called out to her, "Wait, Misaki."
He failed her, broke their unspoken promises, cut the bonds between them and allowed her to be stained with that memory because of his own failure to act.
Because while he was drowned him pleasure that night, he knew somewhere that the blurred woman was not Misaki, and it was that thought that haunted him, and he knew that Misaki knew him too well to know that he would not be able to mistake her for anyone else, even if he were on the verge of death.
In the end, it was just guilt.
"May I help you?" She asked in a small voice, it was barely audible over his thoughts, he grabbed her hand, it shot a surge of electricity up his own arm, it has been six years since he made skin contact with him, not including the kick from a few days prior.
"Ayuza- no, Misaki…" he began, trying for another excuse, whatever method me might need to take to have her back over his failure. If this happened before the incident, he would have thought that he would never force her to do anything, he would never try to possess her if she did not want to, really, he did not know himself too well.
"I think I have told you this millions of times before… I'm sorry, it's my fault." Not able to notice a single change in her, except a small change in stance, he continued "I didn't think… that Gerald would get me drunk… I didn't realize… that the girl was not you…" He clasped her hand tighter, "Do I not get another chance?" he was afraid that she would slap away his hand easily, it was not something that he ever thought he would worry about, except he did.
His anxiety came true when she pulled her hand away from him, "You're pathetic." He heard her say and her settling into a bedroom.
Not knowing what to feel, he sat back in front of the counter and chewed the omelet rice.
It tastes good, he thought.
When he was done, he walked down the hall and looked at the first bedroom, it had 'Igarashi' written on a piece of paper and stuck on it. Deciding that this was probably the place where he was asked to spend the night, he walked in and climbed into the bed, he fell asleep almost immediately, the room smelled like Misaki.
Rewind again…
Igarashi had not meant to leave the present for Maki in Misaki's apartment, but he did, so he turned the car around to retrieve it.
He rang the doorbell, he hoped Misaki was not asleep yet, Misaki was rarely asleep this early.
"Ah, Tiger-kun, how may I help you." A drawling voice called through the speaker, Tora jolted.
"What are you doing here? Where's Misaki? What did you do to her?" He blurted out, rather than being concerned, he was uneasy. The man on the other side of the door did, after all, have the power to snatch her away from him at any moment. Tora was only slightly ashamed of himself, though that was not nearly the problem.
"Shower." The annoying voice said, Tora swallowed hard, things were not going the way he wanted them to. Though when it came to Misaki, he hardly had any power over her. He took a look at his watch, it was already too late, Misaki's phone was already unplugged.
"Give up, Tiger-kun, we're simply having a dinner together, doesn't the boyfriend have a key?" Tora twitched, how he wanted to hit the man.
Powerless and annoyed, Tora decided to play his game, "I didn't want to reveal this yet… but she's my fiancée, get your terminology right, Usui!" Satisfied at the silence on the other side, Tora smirked inwardly, though the relief was only temporary, he knew his problem was far from solved.
It was Misaki's decision after all, he would bomb her apartment open, though that would simply make her angry. The thing that Misaki would want him to do was to simply wait for her. It was not trust that she wanted from him, strangely enough, Misaki never once said 'trust me' to him. Maybe it was because the situation never came up, that did not stop him from saying to her though…
The first time she ended up in his bedroom was interesting, there was a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach when he saw her empty eyes. In his eyes, Ayuzawa was powerful, and interesting, the Ayuzawa that stood in front of him back then gave him that foreign urge to shake her and find out what happened, but also to hold her and tell her everything was alright. That has always been his relationship with her, too scared to approach, but cared too much to withdraw.
It seemed as though Usui said something, but Tora was no longer listening. He ran out to the car and grabbed a blanket, and then returned outside the blanket and settled down beside the apartment door, closed his eyes, and attempted to fall asleep.
Despite everything and whatever feelings Misaki had for Usui, Tora knew Misaki cared about him too, somewhere, and somehow, she was dependent on her. So he would simply trust her, even if the words were not spoken.
