Special thanks to my editors! (Forgot to give them the recognition they deserve in the first chapter.)
To be entirely honest, Sam forgot about the Fluttr thing until Sunday afternoon. His grocery shopping was done, his apartment was clean, and his laundry was folded and put away (no thanks to Ruby or Lucifer, who'd wanted him to get drunk and torch a gas station where the clerk had once been rude to him, respectively), so he was sprawled out on the couch, a couple beers in and watching Netflix. He grunted when his phone began to buzz against the coffee table.
"Ignore it," Ruby said. She was on the back of the couch with Lucifer, a safe distance away from him. Last Sam'd checked, she'd had her limbs folded underneath her and her tail lazily sweeping back and forth. Like a cat.
"Answer it," Lucifer said. "And if it's your boss again, tell him you're gonna start cutting an inch off his tongue for every time he bothers you outside of work."
Sam paused Altered Carbon and picked up his phone. Charlie. He answered with a yawn, then mumbled, "I'm not going LARPing with you. It's a work night. And I'm pretty sure I'm still banned from your D and D group after what Lucifer did to their figures."
Sam heard Charlie snort. "I'm just gonna stop asking you to do anything - you're always such a stick in the mud," she said. "And this isn't about any of that. Since I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just didn't get my seven texts, I'm calling to ask how you're doing on Fluttr."
"Oh. Right." Sam squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand. "Sorry. Haven't checked my phone lately."
Charlie sighed with exasperation. "Did you even complete your profile?"
"I did!" Indignant, Sam sat up. Ruby and Lucifer immediately hopped onto his shoulders. "At the bus station, after work Friday. Right after you bugged me about it as I was leaving." He could feel Lucifer leaning towards his ear with a suggestion, and irritatedly brushed him off his shoulder. "I muted the notifications from it, but I'll go in and check now if it'd make you happy."
"It really would."
"Okay. I'm doing it right now. See you tomorrow." Sam hung up.
"Don't open the app," Ruby advised. "Just lie to her. Say it was a waste of time."
"I'll do you one better," Lucifer said, hovering directly in front of Sam's face. His wings buzzed like a hummingbird's, the whine they created almost instantly flipping the headache switch in Sam's brain. "Kill her. I mean, oh my Dad, is she ever obnoxious. You need to kill her, Sammy-boy. C'mon, you deserve this. And I even know exactly how you can do it without getting caught. Wanna hear?"
"Just - fuck off, okay?" Sam waved Lucifer away, then opened the Fluttr app. He was shocked by how many guys in his area it'd found for him to look at. Reluctantly, he began to sort through their profiles.
"Y'know, it's really too bad you've only got it set to dudes," Lucifer commented, landing on his shoulder again. "Just generally speaking, women tend to be easier to overpower. If you ever want to."
Sam didn't even react to that. Lucifer huffed and folded his wings.
He and Ruby both offered plenty of extremely-unhelpful advice while Sam was looking at other men's profiles. He ignored all of it. Most of them, he swiped left immediately. Some, he read their bios and interests before rejecting them. On a tentative few, he swiped right, but nothing happened, so they must've swiped left. He wondered if they'd been put off by the fact he didn't have a visible angel in his picture. Most other people had put theirs front and center.
He paused on one guy for an especially long time. Dean Singer, twenty-eight, only a few miles away. He was a mechanic, and he liked cooking and music. And his picture was, to put it simply, gorgeous. Thick dirty-blonde hair styled up, a nice layer of dark stubble on a rock-solid jaw, barely-visible freckles sprinkled across his nose and forehead. His eyes were a dark shade of green that made Sam think of sea glass. And his mouth...
Lucifer whistled appreciatively. "Oh, wow, would you just look at those lips." He leaned towards Sam's ear. "Imagine biting them off."
"Jesus," Sam stated, turning his head to glare at Lucifer. He was in rare form tonight. "What is with you? I'm this close to getting the oil."
Lucifer made a face like he'd just bitten into a lemon, but shut up. Right as Sam was returning his attention to his phone, Ruby said, "Just swipe left. He's way too pretty for you."
Sam sighed, scrolling down Dean Singer's profile. His picture was a closeup of his face, so neither his angel nor his demon were visible, but he'd filled out their sections, complete with photos. Both male. His angel - Castiel - had beautiful wings, iridescent black, and an ice-blue halo. His demon - Crowley - seemed to be of the crossroads variety, horns and tail a rich red with black at the base.
Sam didn't think he had much to lose. He sucked in as deep a breath as he could manage, then swiped right.
Immediately, his phone buzzed, and he flinched and dropped it. A pastel blue background popped up, accompanied by drifting feathers and a message in flowing script: Congratulations, it's a match made in Heaven! Sam rolled his eyes, picking his phone back up and tapping the screen to try and make it go away.
"That was a mistake," Ruby predicted as Sam was transferred directly into Fluttr's messaging feature.
Dean: Hey there. So your names Sam?
"Just ignore it," Ruby said.
"No...reply," Lucifer advised. "With a dick pic." Sam felt him sit down on his shoulder. "Wait, save the dick pic. First tell him you're looking for something with no strings attached. One-night stand, in a secluded location. Then send the dick pic."
"Yeah," Sam said. "No."
Sam: Yeah. And you're Dean?
Dean: Yeah probably shouldnt have opened with that question. Sorry
Sam: Hey, gotta start somewhere. You're a mechanic? That's pretty cool.
Dean: Yeah. I like the work alot but Im thinkin Im gonna take that off my profile. I keep getting people who think me fixing their car for free is a good first date
Sam: Well, you're in luck. I don't even have a car.
"You could," Lucifer said. "A nice one, too. You know how to hotwire, and I even keep pointing them out for you."
Dean: If you did what kind would you want?
Sam: I don't know. I don't really know a lot about cars. A Tesla maybe?
Dean: Seriously?
Sam: Well what kind do YOU have?
Dean: [image attached]
"Open it." Ruby.
"Ooh, yeah, of course." Lucifer. "Open it. I'm curious to see what this guy's packing."
Hesitantly, Sam did, then relaxed when it was actually a car. An older model, maybe from the sixties or seventies, but one that'd been lovingly maintained. It was a glossy black, boxy but sleek.
"That's disappointing," Lucifer said.
Sam: Okay that's a pretty car.
Dean: Thanks! 67 chevy impala. Shes still got most of her original parts and she runs smooth as the day she came off the assembly line
Sam chuckled softly to himself, smiling. This guy's passion was cute, even if it was for something Sam wasn't really interested in. Cars were better than a lot of other things.
Dean: Guess you dont need to know too much about my baby. I saw youre a lawyer on your profile
Sam: You can talk about your car if you want. I mean you're a mechanic, so you must be doing something you love. That's cool. I'm not a lawyer yet, just in school right now, but hopefully in a few years.
Dean: You must be super smart. I cant imagine going to school that long
Sam: It's been kind of tough. I'm working too, so I don't have to take out too many loans.
Dean: What do you want to do? Gonna be one of those guys with all the commercials?
Sam: If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma...
Sam: I'm kidding. You don't always get to choose but I'd really like to do something with civil rights.
Dean: Like what?
Sam almost started typing again, then paused, having second thoughts about sharing something so personal. Ruby and Lucifer, of course, picked up on his doubt immediately.
"It's stupid," Ruby said. "You know it's stupid, and he'll figure out it's stupid, too. There's just no demand." She began petting his hair sympathetically. "Put the phone down and go get yourself something else to drink. The liquor store's still open and you haven't had whiskey in a long time."
"Now," Lucifer declared, "would be an excellent time for a dick pic. Or threats about what we'll do to him if he doesn't put out. Or both...mix and match, Sammy, that's always fun."
We're just texting, Sam told himself. I'm probably never gonna meet him face-to-face, and I haven't told anybody about what I wanna do besides...them. Not even Charlie.
What's the worst that could happen? I'll live.
Before he could change his mind, Sam began typing, then hit "send" as soon as he was finished.
Sam: I want to do angel and demon discrimination cases. If somebody gets fired or turned down for housing or a job or a school cause of their angel or demon. There are laws against it but I don't think anyone knows or cares.
Dean: Dude thats awesome!
Sam blinked. Then typed out a quick response before Ruby could convince him Dean was lying.
Sam: Really?
Dean: Yeah I think it actually happens all the time but nobody ever does anything about it
Dean: I mean look at me. Ive got a seraph and a crossroads demon
Dean: My whole life people assumed I was either going to wind up in the army or grifting
Dean: Doesnt help my demons some big hotshot down in hell. Other crossroads demons recognize him at least
Dean: Only reason Ive got the job I do now is cause my dad knows the owner of the shop. He called and vouched for me
Dean: Whoops. That sounds bad doesnt it?
Sam: Not if that's the only thing that would work. It's not like it's your fault people make assumptions. I think I'm only where I am because I got lucky.
Sam hadn't even been able to tell that Castiel was a seraph; he wasn't great with angel castes and Lucifer was never any help.
Dean: What do people think about you? Based on your shoulder pets
Sam: Nothing good.
Dean: Yeah I figured youd have firsthand experience with this
"He's going to press for details," Ruby predicted. "When he does, lie to him. Say you've got a seraph, too. Or a Grigori. Anything but an archangel."
"Oh, c'mon," Lucifer complained loudly. "That's a terrible idea. You need to be honest." Sam was mildly shocked that he seemed to be giving real, typically-angelic device, but the other shoe dropped almost immediately. "Send him a dick pic with me in it."
"Why the obsession with dick pics?" Sam demanded, throwing an exasperated hand up into the air. "I'm honestly curious."
"I invented the whole thing."
"Not even surprised," Sam muttered, turning his attention back to his phone. Dean had sent another message, and much to his relief, he hadn't pushed for the names or breeds of Sam's "shoulder pets."
Dean: Do you want to tell me more about this plan of yours? All the laws and everything I mean
Sam smiled, the expression small but genuine.
"It won't last," Ruby warned him. He laid down on the couch again, forcing her and Lucifer to abandon ship, and gave his phone his full attention as they both started spouting dire predictions.
Sam: Only if you tell me more about your car.
