Beautiful Disaster
He drowns in his dreams, an exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more Heaven than a heart should hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
Oh, and I don't know, I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?
-Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson-
She knew from the very start, the minute he flashed her his trademark smirk that he was going to be the end of her. The end of her rationality and sensibility., the end of her perfect, planned to the last detail life.
(…there's just something about not quite knowing what the other person's gonna do at all times that's just really exciting.)
Their friendship, (though if she was being true to herself, they were never really friends. They were something else. Something indefinable.) had been easy to fall into. They shared a love for books, something that she never really expected anyone else to understand. She came to realise that maybe books had been a kind of escapism for him, though he would never come out and tell her so. He was funny and smart and could hold his own in a war of wits with her mother, no easy feat. He could be infuriatingly persistent, obnoxious and downright rude sometimes. His tongue was sharp, and she'd felt the pain when it cut more than once.
He was good to her, and she saw through his apathetic guise. They played the verbal back and forth to perfection. She wanted him like crazy, and he wanted her. He would never come outright and say it, but his actions spoke louder than any words ever could. But she knew that he'd break her heart. Maybe not for years, but it would happen and she wasn't sure she could handle that sort of pain.
But then he moved back. Back to Stars Hollow, a place that he'd never made any secret of despising. And made it clear ("Just wanted to.") that the reason was her.
She'd kissed him then. A rushed, clumsy kiss that she had no control over. It had been an out-of-body experience, something that perfect practical Rory, Dean's girlfriend Rory, would never do. That kiss was the end of the old Rory.
They started dating, and had their second first kiss ("Well, whatever happens between us, at least we know that part works.") He had showered her with affection and kisses that made her breathless.
He's magic and myth, as strong as what I believe
A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him?
It's so hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby, hold me tight
But he never opened up to her properly. He never shared his dreams for the future or talked about his past. He lived purely in the present, he lived purely in her. He held her a little too close with his body, but nowhere near close enough in his soul. She wanted him, all of him. The good, the bad, the ugly. She wanted him to spill his guts out to her, to tell her everything. She pushed him, but never at the right time, never for the right reason.
When he left, she felt numb. No gut-wrenching pain or uncontrollable tears. No anger or hate towards him or the world. Just numbness. She went to Yale numb. On the outside she seemed okay, happy even.
Then he showed up again, and the numbness left her body with an explosion of feelings that left her unable to see straight.
"I love you."
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough and still he's more than I can take
