Disclaimer : i doona own it
Warning : OOC for silliness hehe and might be long and boring
Tohru continued to wonder about the Zodiac members and their crazy food obsessions. Then she realized that she forgot one of the most important cases. Example #2 : Shigure Sohma.
Tohru had problems with Yuki and Kyo, but when she could always count on Shigure to be the calm responsible adult in the house, she never stood a chance against him When it came to his favorite food : BACON.
Surprising, she always thought Shigure liked bones and treats best, but then again all he did was bury them bones and hide the treats until he forgotten where they were. But no, Shigure's love of food was based on his love for BACON. He loved it with a passion that burned of a thousand suns, and even the slightest whiff could send him off to dreamland...or in most cases, crazy town, where Tohru has to lie to the men in white so they won't put Shigure away in the box (if you know what I mean). It's quite a shock actually for a man with such charisma could fall prey to animal instincts for a product made of pig. (Then again Shigure wouldn't eat bacon in front of Kagura unless he WANTED to be pummelled into oblivion). Sad but true. Yet poor Tohru had to learn his passion for bacon the hard way when she was making breakfast.
Tohru was in the kitchen humming a little song to herself as she prepared breakfast for her and Shigure. Yuki was away due to Student Council meetings, and Kyo was at the dojo, so it only her and Shigure...poor girl. Tohru decided to try cooking eggs with a side dish of bacon. She didn't know what was coming to her.
Shigure was ACTUALLY working on his manuscrpit for once in his life since he was too bored with torturing his editor, Mit-chan, and was doing pretty well until IT happened. He thought he smelled IT, but he shook it off. Then he smelt IT again, this time taking off his glasses. He slowly stood up from his desk and walked in a daze towards the kitchen. He stumbled on the way there, still too much in shock of what was happening. IT was the one thing that Shigure loved more than Ayaa and Akito combined! IT was the smell of BACONNNNNNNNNNNNN! He ran to Tohru, grabbing her by the shoulders (like in volume 7 when he told her to get a new swimsuit), with suddenly bloodshot eyes saying,
"NOW. YOU NEED TO FINISH COOKING THE BACON RIGHT NOW." Tohru was baffled at Shigure's behavior, but a little more time was all that was needed until realization dawned on Tohru's face.
'No...NOT SHIGURE TOO!' Tohru wailed, already flasbacking to Yuki and the cheese, and Kyo with the meow mix, but it's time she had a new adventure.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME TOHRU? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU! YOU NEED TO FINISH RIGHT NOOOOOOW!" Shigure yelled, shaking Tohru back and forth, his yelling making drool fly from his mouth onto Tohru's face.
"SHIGURE PLEASE LET GO SO I CAN FINISH!" Tohru wailed, trying to get away from Shigure.
At that moment Shigure let go of Tohru, and bent down on his knees watching Tohru cook. He waited, and from time to time, his hand slowly starteed to reach for the bacon, when his hand was immediately smacked away by Tohru's spatula.
But it was only moments away that Tohru would finish. She delicately put the bacon on a plate, ever so slowly that she would have a chance to escape before having to witness Shigure's gorging. Tohru took a step back, and the ran out of the room. Did Shigure notice? No. He was too busy gazing at the bacon, not knowing when to strike.
...It didn't take him long. He grabbed the plate and ferociously chewed, crunched, and choked on the poor little bacon strips. He ate every last morsel...and just when it seemed to be over, Shigure reached for the frying pan and licked all the bacon grease off of the pan. From the other side of the room Tohru wacthed in horror as Shigure continued his bacon episode. But then Tohru realized her terrible mistake of not showering after cooking the food. She still smelled like bacon. She ran off upstairs, locking her door hoping that Shigure hadn't figured that fact out.
Shigure was just about done, when he realized something. There was a small piece of bacon lying on the table! At that moment, Kyo happened to walk in after his rough training at the dojo.
'Man I'm starving. Ah well I'll take this litle bacon on the table. Wonder where Tohru is.' Ignoring Shigure, Kyo reached for the little bacon strip. Poor Kyo didn't stand a chance. In that instant Shigure growled and lunged for Kyo, biting his arm.
"AAAAH! SHIGURE GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU SICK FREAK!"
Shigure replied with a growl and a bark, before snatching the bacon away from Kyo, and running off to the far side of the kitchen to eat his delicious bacon strip. Kyo continued to curse at Shigure and left the room steaming. Kyo then started to worry about Tohru since she didn't show yet. But to his surprise, he found her looking out her door in the hall way, looking both ways with a scared look on her face.
"Tohru what's wro-AHHH" Tohru immediately pulled Kyo inside her room, before locking her room once again.
"Tohru what the hell is going on?"
"Kyo is Shigure still downstairs?" She asked rubbing her arms in a nervous state.
"Yeah, and that bastard went pyscho on me for no reason and he bit me! What the hell happened Tohru?"
"Did you try to take his bacon?"
"Uh yeah I did, but what does bacon have to-" It was then that Kyo started to catch on.
"So I understand that Shigure started to go crazy for bacon, but why are you hiding? I'm sure it won't be that bad since he's nice to you."
"Kyo I made the bacon. The scent is still on me! W-w-what if Shigure is still hungry? HE'LL EAT ME! AND YOUR HAND SMELLS LIKE BACON TOO NOW! WE HAVE TO STAY INSIDE! OR RUSH TO THE SHOWER! THE FACT IS I NOR YOU CAN'T GO OUTSIDE THIS DOOR KYO!"
Kyo was mad at Shigure, confused at Tohru, and most of all : He was hungry. So he decided to take this into his own hands. He walked to the door and faced Tohru.
"Tohru I think Shigure is out of it by now, but if you need me, I'll escort you to the bathroom okay?"
"B-b-but what if Shigure is out there? What if he can smell me?"
"Tohru", he started as he unlocked the door, " I'm pretty sure Shigure isn't going to be outside," He said as he opened the door. But to his surprise, when he opened the door, there was Shigure in a wolf-stance reading to attack when Kyo slammed the door in his face screaming his head off. The two heard growls in the back of the door. They died down, but Kyo and Tohru were still wary.
"Uhm, okay, I see your point Tohru, here's the plan. We just stay in here and don't move. Either that or we can sneak out the window and run screaming like turkeys to the next house hold and ask to use their bathroom. If not we just have to break in with this." Kyo grabbed Tohru's hairbrush and held it for her to see.
"Kyo? That's a hairbrush."
"EXACTLY!" Kyo yelled with triumph. "ONE, WE CAN BREAK THROUGH A WINDOW WITH THIS! AND TWO, SHIGURE HATES STYLING HIS HAIR!"
"How do you know that?"
"Don't ask, a long story that includes biting, scratching, and the landing of a hair sylist in a hospital."
"Oh...mmkay, so let's try the door first!"
"WAAAAAIT!" Kyo yelled.
"What?" Tohru thought that Kyo had something important to say...
"GIVE ME MEOW MIX AFTERWORDS!" well, important to HIM.
"Will you sing?"
"Maybe... ...maybe not."
"FINE DEAL!"
"Okay!" With that Kyo slowly walked to the door, hairbrush in hand, unlocking the door with one hand, opening the door. At first e saw nothing, but when he stepped out, Shigure charged at him, landing on Kyo.
"AAAHHHHH TOHRU HELP! HELP!" Tohru ran to the otherside of her room, grabbing her trusty umbrella, then ran to Shigure repeatedly whacking Shigure with it. Shigure then ran out of the room then Kyo quickly locked the door, his back to the door breathing quite heavily.
"Okay...(pant pant) ...we try plan B (pant pant)."
"Agreed!" The duo raced to the window as banging and thrashing were heard on the other side of the door. Kyo opened the window and jumped first, not being the gentleman he usualyy was to Tohru. So Tohru jumped down next as they raced to the other house. But sadly, nobody was home and Kyo forgot the hairbrush. And at that moment, Shigure ran back out, gunning for the poor teens.
"BACK TO THE HOUSE!" Kyo yelled as they took off for their home. But in their rush they forgot to lock the door, meaning Shigure got back inside. They ran back upstairs, this time grabbing spatulas and forks, with pots on their heads for protection. They didn't actually comprehend the fact that they could have used a knife against him and made him run away. Nor did they comprehend that one of the spatulas had bacon grease on it, meaning Shigure had more to go after. But up they ran, battling Shigure away with their forks, and locked the door they did...well...until they realized the door lock was broken after being used too much but their backs to the door seemed to help. Bangs were heard on the door as well as howls and barks. Kyo and Tohru had their back to the door, fearing for their life. At times, Kyo would yell "CHARGE!", and battles would resume. "BACK! BACK YOU HORRIBLE BEAST!" Kyo would yell while taking blows at Shigure. But then Kyo lost his spatula, and he screamed like a little girl and ran back to Tohru's room, followed by Tohru. And then they just sat there, backs to the door blocking Shigure from coming in as he banged, and thrashed at the door (making noises too). This continued for many hours into the night.
Yuki had just come home after a loooooooooooooooooooooong meeting after a looooooooong day.
'I knew I shouldn't have been swayed to stay longer at the meeting. But they fooled me into staying with cheese...BUT IT WAS CHEESE!'
Yuki walked in to find the house dark and somewhat empty and creepy.
"Hello? Anyone home?" Yuki walked upstairs where he saw a weird yet familiar creature by Tohru's door.
"Shigure? Why are you at Honda San's door? Don't tell me she's wearing a thong again!"
But in reality Tohru was wearing Hanes briefs.
"Kyo why do I have this feeling that Yuki thinks I have a thong on?"
"I don't know...or care for that matter...but do you?"
"NO!" Tohru smacked Kyo with her greasy spatula.
Shigure growled at Yuki. Yuki only stood there emotionless and went downstairs. When he came back up, he waved something around so Shigure could see. In an instant, Shigure returned to his old perverted self. Only this time he was like a happy dog.
"You see this boy? Go get it!" Yuki said as he flung the thing back into Shigure's office.
Kyo and Tohru heard Shigure leaving and backed up hiding underneath the bed with their heads poking out when they heard the door knock.
"Honda San? Is everything alright?"
"Yuki? Your not dead nor eaten? Uhm, come in I guess?"
Yuki opened the door and was surprised to see the little 5 year old postition they were in.
"What are you doing?"
"HIDING FROM SHIGURE BUT DAMMIT RAT BOY HOW THE HELL DID YOU SCARE HIM OFF AND LIVE?"
"Honda San there was bacon involved in this wasn't there?" Tohru nodded and Yuki slapped his forehead. "Not again."
"THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?" Tohru schreeched.
"Too many times to count. But this house is plenty armed against him."
"Really? With what? What did you use to make him go away?"
They waited for his answer as if it could save their lives...meaning for next time if a terrible case such as this happens again. It got real quiet and the other two were anticipating. And they held their breath as Yuki opened his lips to say...!
"Porn." Yuki said as it was the most obvious thing in the world. He walked away, obviously going to bed.
It was then that Tohru and Kyo had a newfound respect for porn. So far as to stealing one from a perverted ninja sensei in order to learn its mystical ways to defend themselves from Shigure, lest this happens again.
(somewhere far away) ----------------------------------------
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"What is it Kakashi Sensei?"
"NARUTO SOMEBODY STOLE MY ICHA ICHA PARADISE BOOK!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
But that's a different story.
But it was only then that Kyo realized something important when he went to bed that night. Something he should have realized a few hours ago...
"TOHRU I NEVER GOT MY MEOW MIX!"
Hi! hoped ya'll liked it even though it was real long and probably boring. Actually when I was frst typing this I wasn't really expecting to make it this long, nor did I think of Kyo and Tohru hiding from him either. Hmmm...maybe I should make a story of HOW kyo and tohru got the book...hmmm Nah lol, anyway I'm sorry it took so long! Next up, Kagura. What secret food does she lust after? You'll see...But, oh, well hope you all enjoyed it! Ok Ja Ne!
