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Scaring Myself

They say it takes years to grow-up, but it happened to Jude in less than a minute. All it took was one sentence.

Two years ago...

Jude heard a familiar voice call her name as someone shook her shoulder. She sleepily opened her eyes, saw Sadie standing over her in a towel, her hair still wet from the shower. Jude rubbed her eyes and glanced at the clock. "Dammit, Sadie! I coulda slept for another hour."

Sadie sat down on the bed. "Jude..." Her voice wavered.

Jude pushed herself into a sitting position, took a good look at her sister. Sadie was scared. The hairs stood up on the back of Jude's neck; she was awake now. "What's wrong?"

They sat quietly for several minutes, Jude's panic growing with every second that passed. Her mind conjuring the worst possible scenarios. Something happened to Dad. Something happened to Mom. Kwest was hurt. Or Jamie. Oh god, someone was dead. Finally Sadie looked over at Jude, her voice barely above a whisper as she spoke. "I think... I think I found a lump." Her voice cracked on the last word.

And in that moment, Jude Harrison grew-up. A thousand things swam through her head, the word cancer repeating at least a hundred times. Their maternal grandmother had died from breast cancer. Both her and Sadie were religious about doing monthly self-exams ever since they'd gotten their first periods. Sadie must have found something in the shower. "Where?"

With no sense of modesty and too scared to be self-conscious, Sadie dropped the top of her towel. She grabbed Jude's hand, pressed two of her sister's fingers into a spot on the under side of her right breast. "Do you feel that?"

If anyone had told her she'd ever be feeling her sister's breast, Jude would have called them a perv, probably would have punched them. But like Sadie, she was too worried to be shocked by what she was doing. At first, she felt nothing, then she moved her fingers a little to the left and stopped. She pushed a little harder. There was something there. She dropped her hand back into her lap. "Call Dr. Vargas. See if he can get you in today." Jude's statement confirmed Sadie's worst fear. Her sister's eyes started to tear-up. Jude grabbed her shoulders. "Sadie, stop! It could be anything. A water cyst, a fat deposit. Don't assume the worst. Just call Dr. Vargas. Don't start worrying until we have something to worry about."

The doctor's office was closed on Tuesdays, but the nurse told Sadie to come in first thing Wednesday morning. Jude went with Sadie to her appointment, and then went with her to the clinic to get the mammogram the doctor ordered. He was concerned about the mass too. The tech promised the doctor would have the results by Friday. Sadie was increasingly worried, but didn't want to tell their father until they knew more. When Stuart questioned their odd behavior that night at dinner, the girls told him they thought they'd caught a bug at work. He reluctantly accepted their explanation.

Everyone at EastPhy knew something wasn't right too. Jude and Sadie were tense, but when asked what was wrong, both girls shook it off. Kwest pushed farther, more concerned then the others. Sadie had broken two dates that week, which wasn't like her at all. When she refused to acknowledge there was a problem, he turned to Jude. She told him it was nothing, a family thing. Told him to give Sadie a few days. He didn't like it, but he backed off.

Friday afternoon, an obviously upset Sadie pulled Jude out of the recording booth. They had a short, whispered conversation, then they left the studio without explanation. When they returned home that evening, both Kwest and Stuart were waiting for them. Kwest was the first to speak. "I've been trying to call you all afternoon. What the hell is going on?"

Sadie looked at Kwest, looked at her father, who was also watching his daughters anxiously. Jude wrapped her arm around her sister's shoulder for support. "Sit down, both of you." The group moved to the living room, Kwest and Stuart sat on the couch while Jude and Sadie stood in front of them. Sadie took a deep breath. Her voice was shaky, but she managed to get it out. "Tuesday morning, I found a lump in my breast." Both men's faces paled. "I went to the doctor, had a mammogram. Dr. Vargas called me earlier today with the results. He got me an appointment with an oncologist. That's where Jude and I went today. The oncologist thinks... well, he scheduled me for surgery next week."

The rest of the night was spent asking and answering questions. Sadie was scheduled for a biopsy and possible lumpectomy on Wednesday. The doctor wouldn't know if the tumor was cancerous until he performed the biopsy, but with her family history of breast cancer, he wanted to be aggressive.

The next day, Sadie called Victoria and went through the story again. Within the hour, Victoria had arranged a flight back to Canada. She'd arrive Tuesday night. Stuart insisted she stay at the house while she was in Toronto. She wasn't sure it was a good idea, but he told her their daughter was more important than any animosity they still held toward each other. Sadie would need and want her mother with her. In the end, Victoria was grateful for his understanding.

The more Sadie talked about what was going on, the less anxious she felt. She had family and friends supporting her, letting her know they'd be there for her, no matter what happened. By Monday, she was making jokes. Stupid jokes about the style of wig she'd get if she lost all her hair due to chemotherapy, or how she wasn't going to see anyone in recover until she had time to re-apply her make-up. She said she wanted tons of flowers in her room and she expected everyone to bring her presents when they visited her in the hospital.

Both Stuart and Kwest were a mess. They were anger and confused that they couldn't immediatley fix what was wrong with the woman they loved. Sadie commented on how the supposedly stronger sex was worthless when faced with real problems. Sure, they were great when you had a flat tire, but they crumbled at the thought of all little surgery. They hovered over her constantly, waiting on her hand-and-foot, not knowing what else to do.

But there wasn't anything else to do. Jude was taking care of it all. She contacted the rest of the family in Canada and the States, explaning the situation and promising to keep them updated on Sadie's condition. She fixed the spare room for her mother, cleaning out tons of junk that had been deposited there over the years. She packed the house with food, mostly her sister's favorites, making sure everyone who stopped by to see Sadie was offered a little something. At the studio, she delegated Sadie's work load to a few interns. She let them know if things didn't run smoothly in her sister's absence, they'd answer to her directly and it wouldn't be pretty. She re-arranged her and Kwest's own studio time, informing their bands they all had a one-week vacation. In addition, she spent hours on the internet, gathering as much information as possible about her sister's surgery and the outcomes. She became an overnight expert and could answer any and all questions.

Tuesday night, Jude sat on Sadie's bed, watching her sister pack a bag to take with her to the hospital. For the first time in days, they were alone in the house. Kwest had gone to the airport to pick-up Victoria, and Stuart had gone to pick-up Italian food for the group. Sadie pulled another night gown and matching robe out of her bureau, adding it to the two she already had. Jude rolled her eyes. "You're only going to be there for a couple of days, and you'll be wearing a hospital gown anyway."

Sadie arched one perfectly plucked eyebrow. She'd been at the salon earlier that day for a pre-surgery maintenance package: mani, pedi, haircut, facial and massage. "I refuse to wear a hospital gown. I mean it, Jude. I don't care how out of it I am. You make sure I'm in my own clothes. People are going to be visiting. I can't be seen in one of those awful things."

"You're such a princess." The phone rang and Jude hopped up to get it. "That's probably another of your admires, your highness." Sadie laughed as Jude answered. "Hello?"

There was silence, and Jude almost hung-up until she heard... "Hey, girl."

"Quincy?" she asked in shock. Jude hadn't talked to him in almost a year. She glanced at Sadie who quickly rushed to Jude's side. She leaned in close to the phone so she could hear the conversation too.

"Yeah. Um..." Tommy was obviously nervous. It wasn't like him to stumble over his words. "I got a call from Kwest yesterday. He told me about Sadie. How is she?"

"Sadie's great," Jude answered truthfully. "Her surgery's tomorrow. She's right here if you -"

"How are you doing?" he asked, his concern evident.

Boy, that was a loaded question. A week before, Jude might have balled, yelled, screamed; she wasn't sure. But her and Quincy's problems just didn't seem to matter any more. He was gone from her life, and she had more important things to deal with. "I'm doing good. Really good. All of us are. We're going to get through it together, and Sadie's going to be fine." She didn't realize her sister was holding her hand until she felt a little squeeze. That was perfect. Sadie might have cancer and she was trying to comfort Jude. "It was good of you to call, Tom. Here's Sadie." She passed her sister the phone before he could say anything else.

Jude walked downstairs, not wanting to or needing to listen in on the rest of the conversation. She thought she'd be more effected by talking to him, but other than a small sense of loss for something that never quite happened, she was okay. She took the plates out of the kitchen cabinet and began to set the table for dinner.

A few minutes later, Sadie joined her. "Well, that was weird," she said as she strolled into the dining room. Jude nodded, but didn't say anything. Sadie sat at the table, watched her sister for any sign of emotion. She knew Jude wasn't quite over Tommy. "I think he wanted to talk to you some more."

"What's there to talk about?" Jude asked without the least bit of venom in her voice. "We've both moved on. Besides, I'm not up to dealing with Quincy drama right now. He makes his own problems, and in the skeem of things, they're just not that important."

"He asked if he should fly up tomorrow." Sadie waited for some reaction from her sister, but it didn't come. "Of course, I told him no, but I did promise we'd add him to the list of people to call after surgery."

"That sounds good. I'll make sure Kwest calls." As Jude was finishing the sentence, the front door opened. Kwest and Victoria were back from the airport. And it was the last time Jude and Sadie talked about Tom Quincy for months.

The surgery went well. The tumor was malignant, but the doctor was confident he'd gotten it all. Because of it's size and location, and the fact that it hadn't spread, Sadie would have to undergo localized radiation, but she would be spared chemotherapy. Victoria stayed for two weeks, making sure Sadie had fully recovered from surgery before she left. She was reluctant to leave, but Jude assured her mother with Kwest's and her dad's help, she could take care of Sadie. Victoria would visit again in a few months or sooner if Sadie needed her.

A month after surgery, Sadie started her treatment: five sessions a week for seven weeks. Jude went with Sadie to every radiation appointment. She encourged her sister to eat when Sadie wanted to refuse, nauseous due to the treatment. She helped her bathe when Sadie was too weak to stand in the shower by herself. She made Sadie smile and laugh when all her sister wanted to do was cry. The tables had turned, and for the first time in their lives, Jude was Sadie's rock of support.

After three months, the doctor gave Sadie a clean bill of health. The worst was over, and Jude thought, because they'd managed to live through it, the universe decided to reward them. Kwest proposed and Sadie immediately accepted. Jude found a house she wanted to buy and Paegan asked her to become a partner in EastPhy. Stuart was offered a promotion at work and the chance to move to Vancouver. As far as Jude was concerned, it was nothing but good times ahead.

--- TBC

Scaring Myself - Bowling for Soup