"So," House chuckled as Phelps nearly choked on her sandwich, "The guy tells me that his chest hurts after he exercises, and he's started to breathe poorly, so I ask him, very kindly, mind you, if he remembers to breathe while exercising. And do you know what he says? He says, I didn't know you were supposed to. So I say, it's okay buddy, I used to not think you needed to breathe while running two hundred meters too!" House was having lunch in the hospital cafeteria with his daughter, three days after she met him in his office, and they were already chatting like old friends.
'That's amazing!" she said, rather loudly. Several people looked at them strangely; it really was weird to see House having a lively conversation with anyone other than Wilson.
"Yeah, and that's just the stupidest case I had today! God, you should listen to some of the idiots that come in. I swear, fifty percent of them have the common cold…"
"Yeah, you must get some real dumbasses when you actually show up for clinic."
"Oho! Been having some heart to heart chats with the she-devil about my work habits?"
"As a matter of fact I have. And she really is the she-devil, how could she manage to do that much work and keep up with you if she was a human?"
"Not to mention that she has a kid to take care of when she finally pries herself off of her desk."
"Yeah, I've seen pictures, she's pretty cute."
"Yeah, real cute, except when she's puking all over your new shirt."
"You buy new shirts? I thought you just went down to the Sally-Ann and picked out your favourites."
"Very funny. I forgot, you actually like children."
"And you don't?"
"No, though sometimes they're considerably easier to deal with than adults."
"That's just because they don't use as many big words that you don't understand."
"Yeah, right, I probably know more big words than ninety-five percent of the people that I deal with."
"I'm just teasing you, no need to get all defensive."
"Yeah, well, I need to get defensive with your acid tongue."
"Did you, Gregory House, just give me a complement? I'll be sure to alert the media."
"I guess you're just one of the few people in the world who would be happy to ear that they have a sharp mouth."
"Well, I'm sure you'd join the exclusive club with me."
"That I would, dear offspring." It was at this point in the conversation that a certain boy-faced oncologist spotted his best friend in the cafeteria, having what looked like an actual conversation with a woman. He walked over to the pair, not sure what to expect. She didn't really seem like the type of woman that House would go for, she looked intelligent, she wasn't gorgeous, though she was pleasant looking, and her breasts weren't popping out of her shirt.
"Who's this?" Wilson asked, popping a french fry into his mouth, easing his tray out of the way of House's roving fingers. "And why did you call her 'offspring'?"
"Did I really say it that loud? God, now that whole hospital will be talking about how she's mine and Cuddy's long lost daughter." House smirked as Phelps stole a french fry off the tray that Wilson had placed near here, trying to get it away from House.
"Dr. Phelps! You can't steal french fries from Wilson; he's my friend to mooch off of! There's gonna be none left for me!" She stuck his tongue out at him, and proceeded to stuff five fries in her mouth at once.
"See what I have to put up with? Imagine what she would have been like when she was seventeen, I would have had to buy her a car and pick her up from bars in the middle of the night..."
"She's not actually your daughter, is she? She's a bit old; you would have had to have made her when you were in your teens." House, have a daughter in her thirties? At least she wasn't a teenager, or worse, an eight year old.
"Yeah, well, sixteen year old hormones don't wait for condoms. And don't give me that 'why didn't you tell me' face, Wilson." House added at the look on his friend's face. "I just found out about her three days ago."
"Oh, she just decided to stop in the area and see if her long lost father was available for a chat? Come on House, you don't bond this fast, you have to have known about her for a while."
"Nope!" House said, grabbing for the fries, which Wilson hastily whisked away from both of them, noticing that over half of them were gone. "We just have a lot in common. We share a healthy admiration of Cuddy's ass."
"I'm a lesbian." Phelps said, speaking for the first time.
"Does it please you to be that blunt about your sexuality? Or do you just like to watch the looks of disappointment on guy's faces?"
"It's fun to be blunt. You're pretty blunt, when you're not trying to avoid something."
"Me? Avoid something? Ridiculous. I'm always open about everything."
"Yeah, like your appreciation of things of Cuddy's other than her ass."
"Like what, her breasts?"
"Uh, no, you like her. L-I-K-E." Wilson laughed at the situation. This woman was so much like House it was ridiculous. Childish, forward, and completely inappropriate.
"I do not." House said, putting on a big pout.
"Mommy always said that when boys pull your hair and make fun of you, it means they like you. Too bad I never liked them. I prefer other girls pulling my hair."
"I'll try to pretend that that wasn't an innuendo. I really don't need any mental images."
"Stop avoiding the subject, you like her and she likes you. So go screw in the janitor's closet or something."
"Can't. Chase and Cameron contaminated it already, along with all the other possible screwing surfaces in the hospital. Hell, they've probably even done it in my office, although I would rather not think about that."
"So, does Dr. Phelps work here?" Wilson asked, trying to get the conversation away from Chase and Cameron going at it on House's desk. He did not need that image.
"She's the new psychologist in my favourite department, pediatrics. Oh, and by the way, this is James Wilson, Head of Oncology, and the best source of free food and annoying sympathy here." Wilson shook her hand.
"Ah, Cuddy was talking about you. You've got some really radical methods for working with children I hear."
"Like father, like daughter." House, ridiculously pompously.
"Yeah, except my treatment methods don't generally cost the hospital millions of dollars a year."
"Well, we'll see about that. We can have a contest, who can cost Cuddy the most money by the end of the year."
"Uh, no, I'd rather stay on the Dean of Medicine's good side, thank you."
"Why, hoping to get in her pants?"
"I'll leave the pants getting to you, Daddy Dearest. She's not really my type."
"So what is your type? I'll screen all the nurses to see which one matches your description."
"Like you'd ever put that much effort into anything."
"You already have me figured out pretty good. Seems like the puzzle solving gene transferred."
"Well, I have known you for an entire three days, and all you've done is show me around the hospital, which is really pointless because I had an orientation two weeks ago, so you're just trying to avoid clinic duty, because that's what you do when your case is solved in a few hours. Clinic, fortunately for me, is not one of my responsibilities, because I'm not actually a medical doctor."
"Well, that's one perk of not being a real doctor. Wilson, you can sit down, you don't need to stand awkwardly at the edge of the table, we're not having a sappy father-daughter moment." Wilson sat down reluctantly. It wasn't as if he had much food to eat, most of his french fries had been eaten by House and his offspring.
"So, Dr. Phelps, do you want to come to the bar with me and Wilson tonight?" House asked, surprising his friend. He never invited anyone to come to the bar with them, not even Cuddy.
"You know, you can call me Holly, you don't have to call me Dr. Phelps. That's kind of weird, what kind of father calls you by your title?"
"I told you, I'm not your father, I'm your friend who just happened to be the man who helped create you."
"Right," she replied, rolling her eyes. "But you still don't need to call me Dr. Phelps."
"I thought it would be the professional thing to do, since we're in the workplace."
"Oh yes, let's be professional. But you better not call me Dr. Phelps when we hit the bar with baby-face over here." She looked at Wilson, who was still in a bit of a shock.
"Don't insult Wilson, Holly; he's a little bit sensitive. He's only had three wives."
"Really?" she asked Wilson, amused. "Surely you've figured out that you're gay by now?"
"I'm not gay!" Wilson shouted, causing a group of interns to look over and giggle stupidly. He blushed, looking at the cafeteria patrons that were giving him strange stares. "I'm not gay." he said, more quietly.
"Trust me, Jimmy's not gay, he's the biggest panty-peeler here."
"I though that that title would have gone to you."
"No, I, unlike Wilson, don't bang anything with breasts."
"Well, I have to go." Wilson said, before House could reveal any more embarrassing details about him. "I, unlike you, House, actually have patients I need to see."
"Okay, have fun prescribing chemo to old ladies."
"Don't worry, House, I will, as long as you don't interrupt me to talk about some stupid detail you noticed about Cuddy's shirt that says she's going to go sky-diving next Saturday."
"Damn, you pay that much attention to her?" Phelps asked, smirked at House. "You must be really far gone." House mumbled something incoherent, which just caused Wilson and Phelps to smile at each other.
"I guess I'll be seeing you at the bar later tonight." she said to Wilson.
"Be prepared to peel House off the bar stool." Wilson shouted, and left the cafeteria.
"Well, he seems fun." Phelps said to House.
"Yeah, he's pretty fun, 'cept when he's giving you stupid annoying advice or caring about you."
"Oh yeah, I can see how caring about you can get annoying. I have to go, my breaks over."
"Well doesn't that just suck for you? I can stay here all day if I want to, as long as Cuddy doesn't see me and drag me off to the pit of hell."
"You better hope you don't get a case, otherwise you could be here longer than me."
"Well, when it gets that late I usually just get my team to do all of the grunt work for me."
"While you what, go home and fantasize about the Dean of Medicine in your shower?'
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Well, good luck with that. Call me about the bar later tonight, you should still have my number, unless you managed to lose it since yesterday afternoon."
"Yeah, I put it in my special box, just in case."
"Ugh, I don't want my number touching anything in your 'special box'."
"Do you have to turn everything sexual, Dr. Phelps.?"
"Like father, like daughter. See you later." she said as she got up and walked out of the cafeteria.
"See you later." House mumbled after she left. His daughter was the most fun he had had in ages.
