I love Matsuda to death and he is easily my favourite character in Death Note. You might be seeing a lot of him in this. I know this one is kind of long but once I got started I couldn't stop.
Summary: After Light is dead, Matsuda befriends the grieving Yagami women. Specifically, Sayu. Warning for dark themes and one slightly graphic part at the end.
+complicated+
Something feels wrong about being back at the Yagami house now that both the Chief and Light are no longer around. The flowers Matsuda carry look colourless in the overcast evening sky and in his arms feel awkward and heavy like his conscience.
Sachiko, a welcoming host even in the worst of times, greets him with a hug and warm smiles, but Matsuda can see that her mask is the same as the one he wears every day. He wonders if she pines for normalcy as he does and with that in mind he grips the flowers more tightly.
The interior of the house looks the same as ever but it is lacking its former atmosphere; what once was soft and loving is now shrouded in tragedy, unimaginable horrors dwelling between the cracks in the walls. Light's younger sister lurks in the corner of the room like a dormant shadow, silent and watchful with wide eyes that remind Matsuda of a certain ghost from the past who tried to save the world and nearly succeeded. He wonders if her eyes can see his guilt.
'Come say hello, Sayu,' Sachiko urges her, gently. 'Matsuda-san was kind enough to bring you flowers.'
Matsuda doesn't mention that the flowers are actually for the both of them. As soon as Sachiko says they are for Sayu, Matsuda can't imagine them ever having been for anyone else. This is what makes sense to him now.
Wordlessly, Sayu steps forward and makes her way to him, her walk slow and unsteady as though she is still trying to figure out quite how to do it. He can tell by her eyes that she is haunted by ghosts so often she has nearly become one. She appears almost painted, as though she was once a work of art that jumped right off the artist's canvas before he had been able to finish giving her colour. Something about her seems morbidly incomplete.
Matsuda pulls a flower out of the bunch and hands her a rose the colour of blood. It is more vibrant than anything else in the entire room but she just stares at it and whispers, 'It's not good enough.'
Somehow, Matsuda understands.
The next time Matsuda goes to visit Sayu, she isn't there. Sachiko tells him that she has her own apartment now and makes a living helping to arrange funerals. She writes down the address for him and Sachiko's eyes beg him to see her.
It takes Sayu a long time to answer the door and Matsuda knows that it has something to do with having installed too many extra locks on it. Matsuda knows that she won't let anything surprise her anymore. She somehow appears simultaneously to be both more alive and more dead to him and he isn't sure how to feel about that.
The impression one would get immediately upon seeing Sayu's apartment is that whoever lives there must be insane. The walls, the ceiling, the windows-they are all covered in paintings. Multiple easels cradling unfinished artwork are scattered throughout the rooms. Even though it is daytime the rooms are dark and a quick glance at the ceiling shows that Sayu has removed all of the light bulbs from the fixtures.
'Everything looks better in candlelight anyway', Sayu tells him, quietly. Candles are everywhere, flickering as though sound alone is enough to put them out. Everything about Sayu is quiet and with everything he's seen in the past six years Matsuda wouldn't be surprised if her candles are sound sensitive as well.
'All of your paintings are grey,' he observes, for lack of anything better to say.
'Colours don't make sense anymore. None of them are good enough.'
'What would make a colour a good colour?' Matsuda asks, trying to understand.
'One that can express that which I cannot express through words.'
Matsuda returns the next week and brings her as many different colours of paint as he can find. It doesn't do anything to relieve the guilt of having killed her brother but it's a start. She takes them from him and the only thing she says in the entire two hours he's there is 'It's not good enough.'
'Were you there when my brother died?'
The question comes out of nowhere, surprising Matsuda and making him look up. 'What?'
'My brother. Light. Did you see him die?'
Matsuda feels his blood turn to ice. Sayu sits calmly in her seat, paintbrush in hand, her wide, hollow brown eyes watching his every move. There is a sort of emptiness in them that Matsuda cannot quite read and maybe doesn't want to.
Matsuda wants to say 'Yes I saw your brother die I'm the one who shot him his blood was everywhere I pulled the trigger he screamed at me he was trying to kill someone I had to stop him I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry,' but instead he says, 'No, I didn't see it happen. Why are you asking me this?'
Sayu gives a long shrug. 'I was hoping you could describe it. I want to see what it looks like to be painted.'
Matsuda has never been so horrified.
Sayu continues pressing Matsuda for more about Light. It's not constant, just occasional, but it's enough to make Matsuda nervous. He thinks that maybe he should stop seeing Sayu but he also feels that it's his duty to her brother. He wouldn't have wanted her to be alone like this.
'What did you think of Light?' she asks casually, painting a portrait of her apartment in which one of her candles has fallen over and burned all of her artwork to ashes. 'He was pretty smart, wasn't he?'
Matsuda takes a deep breath. 'Yes, I would say he was one of the smartest people I've ever met. He was brilliant.'
Sayu hums thoughtfully and continues with her artwork. 'He could have gone far in life, being as smart as he was.'
Matsuda says nothing. Light was a god.
Sometimes Matsuda thinks Sayu is crazy. It always makes him feel terrible to think that because that would mean that maybe he's crazy too, but she makes it difficult with her talk of ghosts whispering to her, giving inspiration for her paintings. It's like she worships the paper she draws on.
Matsuda tells Sachiko that Sayu is doing just fine.
'My brother was Kira, wasn't he, Matsuda? Don't lie to me. I think I always kind of knew. After all, who else could have been Kira if not for Light? He's the only one that makes sense.'
Matsuda is almost relieved she worked it out on her own. Now he has less to hide.
'I'm sorry.'
Sayu seems quiet and unaffected. He can tell she's deep in thought. Hours pass before she finally speaks.
'If my brother was a king, I guess that kind of makes me royalty. Don't you think?'
Sayu discovers the only colour good enough for her paintings and splatters them haphazardly with it. Matsuda finds her with slit wrists and blood all over everything.
'Isn't it great?' she breathes, in response to the look of horrified disbelief on Matsuda's face. 'I found it. The right colour. The one that's good enough.'
There is something like excitement on her face and in her voice as she speaks. Everything that had been calm and quiet about her is now gone and has been replaced with passion and barely-contained enthusiasm.
Loudly, hysterically, Sayu declares, 'I still love Light, Matsuda. Even though he was Kira, I still love him. Maybe he was right. Maybe the world would be better his way. I don't know. He was my brother, I have to support him. He would have supported me if our roles were reversed.'
Matsuda does not know how to deal with this. He doesn't even know how to deal with his own problems. 'Sayu, you have to calm down.'
Sayu ignores him. 'Why would anyone kill my brother, Matsuda? He was only trying to do the right thing. He was trying to protect people. Everyone liked Kira. Why would someone try to kill him? Didn't they know he was my brother? He was Light and he was my brother.'
She weeps and smears her wrists all over the wall. Everything is red and good enough. The blood shows her passion.
Matsuda cannot handle this. Fighting to remain calm, he goes to her and holds her tightly, restraining her arms and forcing her to look him in the eye.
'Sayu, I'm sorry. It was me. I had to. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.'
Everything stops.
….
….
….
'...What?'
Matsuda takes a deep breath. He hates every part of this. He wishes things weren't so fucking complicated.
'I shot your brother. I'm sorry. I had to.'
Sayu stares at him. Everything in her expression is blank.
'I'm so sorry,' he repeats.
Nothing.
Finally, slowly, she says two words.
'Get out.'
Matsuda releases her. 'I'm sorry. I had to. He was going to kill us.'
'Please, Matsuda, just leave.'
When she shuts the door behind him he hears all the locks clicking into place.
Matsuda goes home and sobs his fucking heart out.
This ended up being a LOT darker than I intended. It sort of just happened. It's also really long and I don't know if it really belongs in this drabble collection so I might make it as its own separate fic later. I kind of just got the idea and went with it. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this one. Thank you for reading!
~Ratt Kazamata, 2/23/2014
