Shepard cracked open one eye and groaned as the light of the med-bay assaulted her senses. Her head pounded and she had strange noises and images going round in her head, almost as if they had been burned into the inside of her skull.
Dr Chakwas leaned over her, a small cup of water in her hand. "Here, drink this," she said.
"Doc… what happened?" Shepard felt nauseous as she pulled herself into a sitting position and took the cup, sipping slowly.
"How much do you remember about Eden Prime?" Chakwas asked softly.
Shepard thought back. Too much, she wanted to say, but remained silent. She remembered losing Jenkins almost immediately after they touched down in the shuttle. So quick… nothing she could do… but she felt again the impotent rage at losing a team member under her command. He was only a boy... she remembered the geth – a synthetic life-form thought to be extinct in these parts of the galaxy, existing only behind the Veil. They had shot on sight, no apparent motive. She remembered finding almost an entire squad of people dead, just their Gunnery Chief left in the wreckage. Nihlus, lying prone and cold, murdered by a fellow Spectre, Saren. The beacon… the beacon… she groaned and held her head in her hands. Alenko had gone towards it, been almost dragged towards it… she had pushed him out of the way but… that was it. That was all she remembered, apart from the strange sounds and fractured images running through her brain like old memories trapped in amber.
"Commander?" The doctor was concerned, running cool fingers across Shepard's forehead.
"The beacon, it… It's put stuff in my head. I think," Shepard said.
"What sort of stuff?" Chakwas said, her British accent thickening the word almost comically.
Shepard rubbed her eyes. "I don't know. It's hard to explain. Pictures – sort of, but only fragments of pictures, like a flashback but one that's only half there. I don't know what they mean or why they are in my mind."
"How are you feeling? Aside from that," Chakwas said, trying not to reveal that she was stumped by Shepard's story. The medical symptoms she could deal with. Strange and ancient beacons messing with the psyche… well, she admitted to herself she was out of her depth with that one.
"I'm fine, doc. I need to get to the Council, tell them what has happened with Nihlus and Saren, and about the beacon."
"You need to rest first," the doctor remonstrated. "I'm sure it will take Joker some time to get us to the Citadel, so make sure you get something to eat. Oh, and Kaidan wanted to speak with you."
"Lieutenant Alenko? What did he want?" Shepard frowned.
"Guilty conscience, I think, Commander," Chakwas said.
Shepard remembered the weight of his body against hers as she had cannoned into him, breaking the connection between him and the beam. She knew she should be angry with him for putting her in such a position, but somehow she only felt concern about how he must be feeling right now. First of all, though, she headed to her quarters. She'd speak with the lieutenant soon, but – she wrinkled her nose – a shower and a change of clothes was top priority at the moment.
Kaidan groaned into his pillow. A hand was shaking his shoulder lightly.
"Go 'way," he muttered crossly. "Asleep."
"Kaidan," Chakwas said as she shoved at his arm again. Instantly he came fully awake, sitting up straight in his bunk.
"Shepard?" Kaidan searched the doctor's face for news.
"Awake. Doing quite well, considering. She's in her quarters, hopefully with a meal and a hot shower. I've told her you wanted to see her."
Kaidan closed his eyes, mortified. He really did not want his commander to know that he was worrying about her, or for her to think that he was chasing after her like a lost puppy.
He gritted his teeth. "Thanks, doc."
"Don't mention it," she smiled, and was gone.
Kaidan swung his legs over the side of the bunk and picked up his fatigues. He supposed he would get dressed and wait in the mess hall for Shepard to come back downstairs. He had been so desperate to see that she was alive that he really hadn't thought through what he wanted to say, and he began to frantically rehearse lines in his head.
I can't believe I was such an idiot, Commander, you must hate me.
I understand if you want me to leave the ship, Commander.
I've let myself down and I've let you all down.
I'm sorry.
He had just buttoned his trousers when the door to the crew quarters slid back, and Shepard leaned against the doorframe. Kaidan flushed, half-dressed and unprepared. He opened his mouth to start his monologue, but nothing came out. There was an awkward pause before Shepard grinned – grinned! – and spoke.
"Kaidan, I know you're feeling guilty about Eden Prime. I want you to stop, right now. I don't blame you for the beacon – how could you have known what would happen? Look, I'm fine, you're fine, and that's all that matters. Now, we have a job to do, so let's concentrate on doing just that. Okay?"
Kaidan gaped at her.
"Alenko? Are we okay?" Shepard raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. I hear you. Commander," Kaidan eventually stuttered out.
Shepard shook her head, the smile still on her face. "At ease, soldier. I'll need you on the Citadel to help explain what happened with Nihlus to the Council. ETA three hours."
"Yes ma'am." Kaidan saluted sharply and sank back down on to the bed in relief as Shepard turned on her heel and left. He seriously considered asking to be redeployed on another ship. There was something about Commander Shepard that seemed to turn him into a useless fool. Not a great career move, Alenko.
Shepard knew she shouldn't be smiling, given the events of the last 24 hours. It seemed wildly inappropriate. But given the memories that had crowded her mind since Eden Prime, the image of her lieutenant standing bare-chested and flustered in front of her was a welcome improvement. She prided herself on being the consummate Alliance professional, but that didn't mean she hadn't enjoyed the view.
She was used to seeing marines half dressed, hell even stark naked. In the Alliance, there was no room for modesty – even on the highest spec ships like the Normandy, the crew were expected to bunk in the same quarters due to a lack of space. It became completely normal and unremarkable. She hadn't thought twice about walking straight into the crew quarters to speak to Alenko. But faced with his exposed olive skin, smooth muscles and the shy blush that crept across his cheeks, she had been momentarily taken aback, had lost a bit of composure and had even grinned at him. She shook her head. What must he have thought, she sighed, his senior officer smiling like an axe murderer at a funeral.
Damn it, there was just something about that man. It was probably best that she avoided the crew quarters for now. This strangeness was not something she wanted to explore.
She headed back up to the bridge to talk with Anderson and plan what they were going to put in front of the Council. She was not looking forward to this meeting. Politics was not her strong point.
God, Kaidan thought, why would anyone want to be a politician? This is so tedious.
They had been hanging around the Citadel for a while waiting for the Council to call them into the meeting to give evidence of Saren's betrayal. This was the second such meeting – the first time they had come before the Council, Shepard had had to be forcibly removed after losing her temper quite spectacularly. The Council had not believed their story about Saren and Nihlus, and clearly Shepard was not a woman to take that sort of affront lightly.
Now, though, with the help of a motley bunch of aliens, they had sought out new evidence showing that Saren was indeed guilty of treason. Kaidan felt sure that the Council couldn't dismiss this out of hand, or at least he hoped so. Shepard had been in a foul mood for the entire day after the previous congress, and he really didn't want to have to go through that again.
His legs were aching and he leaned against the wall, watching the small group of companions who had helped with their quest for evidence. A ramrod-straight turian, Garrus, formerly of C-Sec and now a part of their crew. Urdnot Wrex, a loud-mouthed krogan with a superiority complex, and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, a young quarian on her pilgrimage from the Migrant Fleet. He smiled to himself. Shepard was certainly creating an eclectic squad. He couldn't imagine what the Alliance would think of it.
Just then, Shepard appeared at the foot of the stairs, face wreathed in smiles.
"We're on, team. Good work. Saren is no longer a Spectre – but I am. Let's go get him," she said, striding past them and heading straight for the docking bay.
Kaidan realised he was staring after her, mouth half open. He shook himself down and made his way to the elevator. Shepard, a Spectre? There had never been a human Spectre before. This was a hell of an achievement, Kaidan thought, yet she was shrugging it off as if it was all in a day's work. Yeah, she was some woman alright.
He had no idea why he had blurted out all he had about his past, about Brain Camp. He rarely spoke to anybody in personal terms these days. Kaidan had always strived to be the consummate professional – controlled, buttoned-up, focused. Not the sort of person to make friends easily, he preferred to keep his distance from his fellow crew members. He certainly didn't go around telling people all about the man he had killed when he was just a teenager, about the girl who had broken his heart with her terror.
Of all the people he might have confided in, he was pretty sure that his commanding officer shouldn't have been on the list, let alone top of it. She was an intimidating woman – tough and fierce – and he didn't think she would take any weakness among her crew lightly. Yet, when she had asked him what his story was, he had simply told her without any embellishment or embarrassment.
"I hope that doesn't mean I have to fix you, LT," she had said, raising an eyebrow.
Kaidan had chuckled nervously. "Not at all, Ma'am," he said. "I'm thirty two years old now and that's all history. I'm not damaged goods. I can do my job as well as anyone else."
"Glad to hear it." She had wrapped her fingers around his forearm and squeezed gently, feeling his muscles bunch under her touch for one brief moment. He had flushed and looked away at a console, fiddling with it distractedly in the hope that she would go away. There was an awkward silence as he sensed her watching him, but then she was gone and he let out the breath he had not realised he had been holding.
Her skin had been so warm, he could almost feel the shape of her fingers burning into his arm. He lay his own palm over the spot where she had touched him, his heart racing in his throat.
This is not good, Alenko, he told himself firmly. Spilling all your secrets, blushing like a teenager. It needs to stop.
He didn't think it would.
