"An' whut's yer story, li'l colour'd bird?", the man with the cap said.

"Well", began the parrot, "there's this guy over in the city of Agrabah, bit creepy, but still better than the current sultan, and he and I were working together to overthrow the sultan by getting hold of this magic lamp that has a guy inside who can grant any wish you want".

"Well, butter mah biscuit, I'd best be out lookin' fer this here lamp as well!"

"Ahhhh, there's no point.", moaned Iago, reaching for another beer. "There's some kinda baloney about some 'diamond in the rough' that can search for that lamp in the cave it takes place in. Scary place, too – the doorway TALKS!"

"Friend, are you sure 'bout this here cave or are you just trippin' on that there peyote this far out here in the desert?"

"Buddy…I…have been HIT…by a TRUCK! I might as well be tripping on peyote, because NOTHING even makes SENSE any more! I somehow wound up at a gas station, for cryin' out loud!", yelled Iago, ignoring one nearby man muttering to another man about how odd that sounded coming from a weirdly fluent parrot. "WHERE THE HECK AM I?!"

"Listen, son", the man said in a calm voice, "We'd best be heading on our way. Sorry we can't be givin' you a ride – animal control here is rather tight, 'specially out in the open".

"Animal control…?" Iago started, as the man got up and walked over to his truck. "Wait! I can ride on the front grille! I've kinda gotten used to it! I can pretend to be a soft toy! I-"

It was no use. The truck drove off into the distance, leaving Iago behind at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Iago frustratedly walked into the store nearby and bought a packet of cigarettes from a clerk too out of his mind to notice that he just sold tobacco to a parrot.

"I wouldn't smoke those nearby if I were you", mumbled the clerk, who, for some strange reason, only noticed Iago pulling a matchbook out of his feathers, lighting one of the cigarettes.

"Ah, kiss my feathery ass!", grumbled Iago as he left the building, only to be greeted by a mild sandstorm blowing in his face.

It wasn't so much the following sneeze that caused Iago to drop the cigarette, but rather the build-up towards it that forced him to open his beak. He concentrated far too hard on the sneeze to notice that the cigarette had rolled close to one of the gas pumps. With almost perfect timing, the pump exploded right after Iago's sneeze, and the resulting flames singed Iago's head feathers…or so he wished. Within mere moments, Iago's entire body was ablaze, and he desperately struggled to fly away from any of the other pumps, lest he be caught in an even larger explosion than before.

It was only after dragging his charred, black self along the sand that he finally collapsed unconscious, but not before three words escaped his beak.

"Jafar…you…asshole…"


"Yes, Gaston…", mumbled Belle in a stilted, robotic monotone voice as she gazed into the eyes of the strange cobra staff that Gaston had somehow gotten hold of, completely ignoring Gaston's bizarrely longer teeth and more prominent beard. "Of course I'd marry you in a heartbeat. That beast is a completely and utterly mean jerkface who can't go a single day without demanding that I make him a sandwich and get him another beer. I totally reject the idea of ever wanting to have babies with a guy who looks like the first design for a rejected Saturday morning cartoon of An American Werewolf In London, because that's just sick and wrong and I would happily choose Gaston over a smouldering great asshole like the Beast. Oh. Oh. Hold me Gaston. You fabulously-bicepped hunk of man, you."

"Yes, Belle, it's ok…the big bad beast can't hurt you now!", said the man who was allegedly Gaston, before uttering a maniacal cackle.