A/N: Thank you to my kind reviewers DapperCrapper, Benkins, shamjam11, and twztdwildcat and to the rest of you for reading, following, and favoriting. It really means a lot to me! I'm always open for conversations through PM or if you have a story you want me to read, let me know! Xo
~o0o~
"You're a hard man to love and I'm
A hard woman to keep track of" –Lana Del Rey/Is This Happiness?
~o0o~
Waking up alone was something Hermione had not done in over a year and the coldness of the rest of the bed was as jarring as the memories hounding her from the night before. The house seemed too quiet and her mind immediately jumped to the fact that Remus might have left in the middle of the night. Her next thought was the time and she reached for her wand on the bedside table and cast a quick Tempus, which told her it was well past the time Teddy normally woke up to prepare for school.
Her feet hit the cold wooden floor as she slipped out of bed and grabbed a robe to slip around her. Too afraid to check the couch for her husband first, she headed to Teddy's room and gently pushed open the door. He was still fast asleep.
"Darling, it's time to wake up. I'm afraid we might be running a little late this morning," Hermione gently rubbed Teddy's arm to wake him as she sat on the edge of his bed. His eyes started to open, but they were sleepy, and she ruffled his hair, which was in its normal state of bright blue.
"Sorry, mum," he smiled up at her.
"Not your fault at all," she assured him, trying to keep her anger in check at Remus. He hadn't bothered to fix their son dinner or wake him up…but he was his son, not hers, she bitterly reminded herself.
As Teddy started on his morning routine, Hermione headed to the kitchen to get breakfast going. She decided to use some magic to speed it along and as they eggs cracked themselves into a frying pan, she ventured into the living room. She let out a sigh of relief she didn't know she was holding in when she saw the tall, lanky form of her husband twisted awkwardly in blankets on the couch, clearly uncomfortable on the space hardly big enough for him. His back was towards her, but she turned on the lamp and put a hand to his shoulder.
"What time is it?" Remus' voice was thick with sleep but he didn't roll over and face her.
"Almost seven-thirty. I'm making breakfast but Teddy needs to be on his way soon…"
"Can you take him to school?" The edge in his voice was already beginning to come out and Hermione fought back the urge to remind him that she had a real job to get to.
"Alright, but will you still be able to pick him up?" She tightened the robe around her in the drafty living room, annoyed that he wouldn't get up or even move to look her in the eye.
"Fine. I was actually thinking of taking him to Andromeda's after school. I was also thinking about spending the night there."
Hermione's heart fell. Some part of her had hoped she would wake up this morning to find him cuddling in bed next to her, kissing her forehead, and apologizing, and she would do the same.
"I wish you wouldn't. I can come home early if you want. Teddy can stay with his grandmother, but we should talk," Hermione put it out there and the offer was left hanging in the cold air between them.
"I'm not sure Hermione," he finally said, pulling the blankets up over his shoulders and she resigned to the fact that he would probably stay there most of the day. It was shades of the days after the war and she knew better than to push him more.
"If you change your mind, owl me," she finished before attending to breakfast, quickly feeding Teddy, changing into her work clothes, and setting out to walk him to his primary school.
"Are you and Dad fighting?" Teddy asked Hermione. She liked how he wasn't embarrassed to hold her hand as they walked the few blocks together even though he was old enough not to have to, "Is it because of me? I don't want to stop calling you Mum, but if its making you both upset…"
"Teddy, your Dad and I just had a little disagreement. He misses your first Mum a lot sometimes and he gets sad about it," Hermione didn't want to sugarcoat any of it for Teddy; he was too smart of a boy, "Now have a good day. Daddy will pick you up and take you to Grandma's, alright?"
He gave her a quick hug before running to meet some of his friends at the front of school. Hermione was given some strange looks by the other mothers there who recognized who she was and probably were judging her that they never saw her. She tried to push those thoughts and the thought that this fighting couldn't go on long if they didn't want Teddy to suffer from it and found a quiet spot to apparate closer to the Ministry entrance.
~o0o~
Sirius decided not to wait for Hermione that morning by the floos. The past week had been hell for him, although it wasn't manifesting itself physically on his face in the same way he noticed it was to Hermione. Every moment after he had slept with Hermione he fell deeper in love with her and simultaneously hated himself more for it. He had betrayed his best friend. Even though he had wanted Hermione for years and those feelings grew into love, he had kept away for the sole fact that he knew in his heart that Remus was better for her. But after Remus and he had talked, the last thread keeping Sirius from Hermione was cut, but it still didn't make him feel any better about the adultery.
He respected that she was keeping well away from him at work and he knew he should do the same. He hoped that he could just leave it as a one-time thing that he would certainly feel remorse over but never really regret. But he also knew that he could only do that if he kept sufficient distance from Hermione, which wasn't likely to happen if he had his way.
Sitting at his desk and tapping his pen against the wood (Pens are magic if I've ever seen it! Why quills? Only pens in this office! Arthur had said), he watched Hermione walk in, a few minutes late, and looking disheveled but still beautiful. And to his utter surprise, she stopped at his desk.
"Is everything alright?" He was concerned. The circles under her eyes were dark and she looked pale. Her hands shook as she set her bag on the edge of his cluttered desk.
"Everything is so far from alright that it's actually quite funny." She tried to force a small laugh but it couldn't convince him.
"Do you have lunch plans? We should talk," he offered and she avoided his eyes as she considered it. She finally nodded.
"I'll see you then," she said quietly before heading over to her desk and burying herself into her work. Sirius tried to do the same to distract himself from worrying over her.
It was around noon when she sidled up to his desk with her sad brown bag lunch in her hand, her curls wiry from stress.
"No, no, no, love, put that away. You wanted lunch so we shall have a proper lunch," Sirius told her, trying to coax a smile out of her and managed to get the left side of her lips to upturn, which was enough for him as he slipped out of his chair and led her out of the office.
Together they took the lift to the dining hall on the third floor, which was bustling with activity and Sirius bought them both shepherd's pie; it was her favorite comfort food, especially if Molly Weasley made it, but this version would have to suffice for the time being.
"Thank you," she told him and truly meant it as she dug into her warm meal. Despite her anxiety at being seen anywhere with Sirius, which she knew was ridiculous, she was thankful to get out of the office and into a different setting away from everything that plagued her.
"Are you going to tell me what is troubling you?"
"I'm sure you could guess," she looked up at him and he tried his best not to spend too much time unnecessarily staring into her honey colored eyes.
"Does he know?"
"No. But we got into a fight last night. It started with Teddy who came home from Harry's intent on calling me 'Mum' when he never had before, and of course I want him to. But Remus said it was disrespectful to Tonk's memory. And when I tried to talk to him about it, he said he doesn't trust me because apparently I called out your name in my sleep…" Hermione blushed.
"I have a tendency to make women do that…" Sirius joked but his smile didn't reach the small crinkles near his eyes.
"What do I do?" Hermione asked and Sirius looked shocked. He didn't picture himself as very worthy of giving advice at the moment.
"Well, do you want to tell him about us? ….What we did?" Sirius added the second part to his thought when she glared at him.
"I can't. He's already so depressed about Tonks again. I can't hurt him like that," she sighed as she pushed around her leftover peas in the dish, her little quirk about eating that meal.
"And he'll stay depressed about Tonks. Maybe not consistently, but it will happen again and again. I'm not saying that I think confessing is the right option, but if you really want to save it, then you should apologize about the fight and try and move on," Sirius suggested half-heartedly and Hermione noted his distinct lack of enthusiasm about it.
"Of course I want to save it…" Hermione told him. She just didn't know if she could. "I think I might leave early today. Remus slept on the couch last night and didn't look like he planned on moving all day, so maybe I can catch him before he picks up Teddy and talk to him."
"I'll tell Arthur you went home not feeling well," Sirius nodded as they finished up their meal in relative silence. Sirius wanted to beg Hermione not to try that hard and Hermione wanted Sirius to tell her that wasn't a good idea, but neither would ever know that.
"I'll see you tomorrow…" Hermione told him, but stepped away awkwardly when he tried to hug her and hastily headed for a different lift to take her down to the floos, figuring the work left on her desk could stand to be left there overnight. Sirius wished her luck, jammed his hands in his pockets, and took his lift back up to the office.
~o0o~
"Remus?" Hermione called out, hopeful, when she stepped out of the floo and into their cozy home which suddenly felt less so. He wasn't on the couch still, which was rather unexpected, but he didn't seem to be anywhere else. She checked their bedroom and Teddy's, but the house was empty and it was too early for Teddy to be picked up. Eventually she found the note on the kitchen table.
Harry and Ginny are picking Teddy up from school and letting him stay the night. I told them you would come get him in the morning. I'm staying at Andromeda's for the time being.
-R
Hermione ripped up the note in a rare display of anger, finding it unbelievable that he would push Teddy on their friends like that and run off when she had asked him to talk to her. They needed to talk. And the fact that he didn't even sign his full name wasn't encouraging either. The only thing that she found hope in was Andromeda. The woman had more Black in her than she cared to admit, and Hermione knew she wouldn't suffer through Remus' whining or ignoring his son for very long. Andromeda liked Hermione, but above all doted on Teddy and son-in-law or not, Remus wouldn't find her house an escape for very long.
But she knew he would for tonight and she would have the house to herself. Taking off her work robes, Hermione decided that a hot bath was in order and went looking for some bath salts. She knew she had whipped up a jar a few months ago and started perusing the bathroom cabinet. But when she found the little jar of lavender salts and saw Remus' bottle of wolfsbane for next week on the shelf next to it, her mind started moving to a dark place. Now that she was alone, she wondered if she could find evidence that Remus was brewing contraceptive potion.
She had always trusted Remus and had never found a reason to go through his things. They shared mostly everything anyway and helped each other brew home remedies for colds and other ailments when Teddy needed them, both being rather adept at potion making. But now Hermione couldn't stop herself from checking if he had the ingredients. Most of the ones needed for a basic contraceptive were very common and as she rifled through where they kept their bottles for potion making, she found them: beetle eyes, lavender, and peacock feathers. But those weren't definitive. Her heart racing, she looked through the different tiny little bottles and finally found an unlabeled one, tucked in the back. She would have never found it if she wasn't actively looking for it. It was a small vial of bright orange Flitterby wings-the active ingredient in a contraceptive potion. Hermione replaced the bottle and waved her wand to sort the other bottles back into place before sitting on the floor by the closet. She tried to tell herself that maybe Remus needed that ingredient for something else, but her heart told her that Sirius had been right.
With a heavy heart, Hermione decided to go ahead with her bath, but relaxing didn't come easily. The longer she soaked in the tub, the angrier she felt. But on top of that, she felt completely and utterly alone.
Before her skin could get too wrinkly, Hermione stepped out of the bath and changed into some of her muggle denims and a grey t-shirt and patiently waited until just after five before stepping into the floo and clearly saying "Number 12, Grimmauld Place".
A/N: Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!
