Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Say


Chapter 1- Say

September 5, 2009

Blaine-Anderson Residence

When I woke up today, nothing should have been different or special. Everything about it should have been normal, except that I didn't want it to be, because each and every day I lived a lie.

Most people believed that I was happy. What did I ever have to worry about? My parents were well to do. My brother was an actor in LA and he was a local celebrity. He hadn't gotten his big break yet. He had landed a few small roles in some B movies, not credited of course, but movies nonetheless. I was a freshman in High school, not extremely popular, but I got along well with people. I was a member of the soccer team and I excelled at track. Girls were always over at my house, and I had no shortage of phone numbers slipped to me on a regular basis. I should have been happy.

Truth be told, I was miserable because I was living a big, fat lie. Although the girls' interest was flattering, nothing would ever develop with any of them. I was miserably in love with my best friend. His (yes I said his) name is Michael. I'm a freshman, and he is a sophomore. He is 5'9", with blue eyes, a masculine build, dark brown hair, and a nice smile- and he is straight. Obviously I wasn't. I was terrified of anybody finding out; I was terrified of what Michael would say. Mostly though, I was terrified of my father.

I quickly threw on some clothes and ran downstairs to the breakfast table. I grabbed a pop tart and dialed Michael's number on my cell.

"Are you coming over?"

"Yeah, did you read it, man?" He asked.

"Yes! I liked them. He's really good."

"Do you understand it?"

"Um, yes, I think, but did you just want to discuss that one?"

"Yeah, why? How many did you read?"

"All of them!" I laughed. "I told you that he was really good."

"Well, I'm almost at your house. I'll see you in a few."

"Ok man. See you soon."

Michael arrived and sat down in the family room.

"So, what does it mean?" He ran his hands through his hair. I tried not to stare.

"Well, let's start from the beginning."

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

"So is he talking about real paths?"

"No, he's speaking metaphorically. Do you remember that song by Green Day, called Good Riddance? Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road."

"Yeah," replied Michael.

"Well, what is he saying?"

"He's saying that he has more than one choice to make, a big decision."

"Yes, a really hard choice, one that could change the whole course of his life. That's what this is saying. A man has come to a crossroads in his life, and he can go down two roads. He could choose the one first one, which is the one most people would choose, or he could pick the less popular choice." I read the next two stanzas aloud, trying desperately not to make eye contact with him. However, when I reached the final stanza, I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to take a risk. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of chickening out.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

"This is my favorite part. He's saying that even though he took the harder path, it really was the right choice for him. So, do you feel better about it now?"

"Yeah, thanks Blaine. You are a lifesaver."

"Anytime, Michael." I smiled and hugged him, lingering longer than I should. He pulled away and started to head for the door.

"Michael wait. I have something for you." I pulled out the other book. "This one is for you. I hope you like it. I wrote you a message in the front."

Michael opened the book, read the note, and his face dropped. He dropped the book on the table. " Blaine. I have to go. " He turned around and walked out the door without saying another word.

September 5, 2009

Cooper Anderson, Anderson Residence

Blaine looked absolutely crushed as he watched Michael bolt toward the door. Blaine was the most amazing person I knew, but he was also the most guarded. most people thought that Blaine was an open book, but was a very different person around mom and I than he was around others. He didn't talk about his feelings much. Fortunately, he wore his heart on his sleeve. I could see what he was feeling written all over his face. I saw the way he looked at Michael: his smile was a little too big to be platonic, his eyes were a little too focused on the boy's words, he stared too long and too hard, he leaned into the hug that Michael had given him, and he embraced him maybe just a little tighter than he should. Blaine had fallen hard for his good friend. Blaine was gay?

Blaine was a nice looking kid. In fact, he was a chick magnet. I guess it was a mixture of his charm, compassion, and handsome appearance. I couldn't really blame the girls for being attracted to him. I was actually kind of jealous. I had no problem getting a girl interested in me, but it was keeping her that I just couldn't figure out.

I saw tears fall from his eyes. I made my way toward him and he collapsed in my arms. I held him as he sobbed. "Blaine, it's okay," I said soothingly. " Come upstairs and talk to me, okay?"

He followed me slowly up the stairs. He couldn't look at me. Tears were still pooling in his eyes.

"Cooper, I don't know what to do. I'm tired of fighting what I'm feeling. I'm tired of fighting my emotions. I'm tired of lying to myself and everyone else. I'm afraid to say it; I'm afraid of the words escaping my lips and what everyone will think and say. I'm scared to death. Cooper, I'm…I'm, um, uh."

"You are gay, and I love you anyway because you are wonderful just the way you are," I told him calmly. He collapsed into my arms. "It doesn't make you awful, gross, or weird. If others won't see how amazing you are then they aren't really your friends. Those people don't deserve a friend as incredible as you are."

"Dad will flip." Blaine was completely a mess now.

I knew what to do. Blaine and I often communicated through song when words just weren't enough. I got Blaine's Ipod out and scrolled through his songs, pressing play when I found it. His head was in his hands and he was bawling. I wrapped my arms around him. I looked him straight in the eye as the words fell from my lips.

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Blaine's head slowly lifted, tears still raining from his eyelids. He just shook his head at me. He wasn't usually so fragile. I hated to see him torn apart like this. I put my arm around his shoulder.

Walkin' like a one man army
Fightin' with the shadows in your head
Livin' out the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Blaine sat down on the couch, holding his head in his hands with apparent shame. I walked over and sat down beside him, embracing him calmly as he collapsed into my arms again.

Have no fear for givin' in
Have no fear for givin' over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin'
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with a heart wide open
A wide heart

Blaine's hands were still shaking. I looked him in the eyes as I tried to give him my most reassuring look.

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

"I can't! I can't! You know what he will say! He'll hate me, and I can't disappoint him," Blaine sobbed. "He's my father. I can't have him turn his back on me."

His cheeks were tear-stained and his breath was heavy. I'd never seen him so upset. My heart broke for him.

"He's not really seeing the real you because you keep it hidden from him, Blaine. You're a people pleaser. Don't get me wrong, I love how much you care about others, but you often put yourself on the lowest rung of the ladder in order for others to rise to the top. You often even become that missing rung for others when they need to take that extra step and they can't do it on their own. But you are too afraid to climb that ladder yourself. Now, it's your turn to take that step," I assured him.

"But what about that missing rung? What if it is too far a leap, and I miss a step and come crashing down?"

"I'll be right beside you if you need me to be. I'll be that missing rung for you. I just want to see you happy. Right now, you're miserable. You care so much about everyone else, but you forget yourself, buddy."

"I'm terrified that I will let him down," Blaine finally told me. "He'll see me as less of a man, and I'm scared to death of what he will think," Blaine confided. "What if he doesn't love me anymore?"

"Parents are supposed to want happiness for their kids. If he doesn't accept it, you have people that will. I've got your back, little bro." He didn't seem so sure. "Do you know what courage means? I thought I did. But it isn't doing something that doesn't take any risk. Courage is being afraid of something and doing it anyway, taking that leap, and stepping out with the belief that you will be okay.

"Wow, Coop! That's profound. How did you arrive at that conclusion?"

"It was in a script for a part I went out for. I didn't get the part, but I remembered the line. I want to see you have courage. I want to see you do that for yourself. You deserve that Blaine."

"Please stay here, Coop. I think you could help me channel the courage I need to do this. I f I don't say this now, I probably won't," said Blaine with a small wave of confidence. He stood up and walked over to the steps. "I really am tired of the charade, of not being me. Maybe I'm afraid for nothing. Are they in the living room?"

"Yeah," I said as I placed my hand on the back of his shoulder. I watched him turn toward the stairs with his shoulders a little higher. Just like that, he had slipped back into his confident persona, ready to face his fears.

"Hey, Blaine. Courage!" I gave him two thumbs up and watched him make that walk downstairs.

Authur's note: Thanks so much to DJ Eclipse for editing this. That's not my strong point. Hallelujah!